If it hurt so bad to do it...then why did you do it?
If you didn't want to give me up...then why did you?
I guess it doesn't really matter though does it? You have somebody that "numbs" it for you now. What else could you need?

It's not about not hurting me anymore. It's about who it is you REAllY want to be with. And I see and understand that. It may add to the pain of this whole thing but it's the truth. I just hate that you can't admit that it's not about hurting anyone anymore...it's who you prefer.

Being pushed away and hurt by the person you love, and thought loved you too is like being hit by a high speed train...but whats sad is when you go stand in front of that same damn high speed train 4 more times...you made me believe you loved me.
Now let me go stand in front of it a 5th time.

<3me

Have you ever sincerely Felt true Love...Have you ever Been so in love that it actually hurt...And then...that someone turned and denied their love to you, making your hurt go even deeper...Then...were you still so in love with Him/Her that every time you saw Him/Her your heart pounded with yearning and your mind raced with thoughts of how you could NEVER have him/her again...Then...did you ever see Him/Her with His/her new "Significant other" and become sooo numb inside that you felt like the walking dead...and now...everytime you even think of Him/Her and how He's/She's feeling, do you think to your self, ["I wish I would just die, I wish we could be back together, I'd take Him/Her back in a heart Beat...Without a single second fucking thought...But @ least he's/she's happy,right?...that's all that matters right...Right?"]..Have you ever thought this...Have you ever felt NE of this...If so, my friend, you have sincerely experienced true love @ both it's most finest and worst levels...For Love is not only a most Beautiful Gift, but the greatest torment you may ever recieve...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I didn't write this but I love\hate it...

-- This world is overflowing with sorrow. Its people are drowning in emptiness and lonliness fills their hearts.
   ~ Ayanami Rei - End of Evangelion
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
They have my same middle name wootie hootie

Sometimes I'm selfish fake
You're always a true friend
And I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Please forgive me again

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry, cry

I wanna be there for you


Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you

Hey I probally shouldn't send you these lyrics but I thought you may like em and could write em down or something...so here you go...

"Made A Mistake"

I, I can't get enough
This means way too much
I will never
I can never
I won't ever
Stop
Pushing me around
Open up the ground
Will you ever
Can you ever
See you've...

Made a mistake
Made a mistake
Didn't choose to have left me dead
Made a mistake
Made a mistake
You should've left me dead

Crushed
Painful as it sounds
Motors tightly wound
Pull the covers
Pull my covers
To uncover
Lust
Deadly when she frowns
Silent in the crowd
Will she ever
Can she ever
See you've...

Made a mistake
Made a mistake
Didn't choose to have left me dead
Made a mistake
Made a mistake
You should've left me dead

I can hardly stand that you aren't mine
I can hardly stand that you aren't mine
I can hardly stand this
Try to understand it
Gave you all I had when you were mine

Made a mistake
Made a mistake
Didn't you left me dead
Made a mistake
Made a mistake
You should've left me, should've left me dead

Made a mistake
Made a mistake
Didn't choose to have left me dead
Made a mistake
Made a mistake
You should've left me dead

Made a mistake
Made a mistake
Didn't choose to have left me dead
Made a mistake
Made a mistake
You should've left me, should've left me dead
(I could never, trust another)
You should've left me dead
(I could never, trust another)
You should've left me dead
(I could never, trust another)
You should've left me dead
(I could never...)
You should've left me, should've left me dead

I trusted you when you told me everything would be better now, I trusted you when you said you made a mistake, I trusted you when you said I could have hope...that's what I get for trusting you.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.



If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
**************
 I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
**************
 Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
**************
 Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I wish that I could stop thinking, if only for a second...to have relief from the emotion that threatens to choke me up with tears. I just wish I didn't care..I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I just want so badly to let go but I can't.....

I think back to the day you first messaged me, to the night at the gravel piles, to the night we watched movies and I fell asleep next to you feeling that nothing could come between us, I think back to the night we went to your old elementry school playground and the things you told me happened there, being there with you just looking at the moon was more than I could ever ask for,,,I think back to the dramatic night I caused after your brother's concert, the day after when I ended it all out of being too scared to put you through that again, the feeling I got as soon as I sent that message was what I thought would be the most horrible...but I wasn't even close, I remember what it felt like to wake up on your couch thinking everything was okay again, then coming to the harsh reality that things were far from okay, I remember being overwhelmed with emotion when you were talking to her and saying all the same things you used to say to me and running down the street crying uncontrolably and I think back to how pathetic I felt when your mom was driving beside me...I remember every word that was said since the day I met you...I would give anything to have that back...I wish you felt the same way.

Love like death changes everyone.

I really wish you wouldn't over analyze things...things would be better off that way...

You start shaking at the thought you are everything I want
'Cause you are everything I'm not


Is it real enough for you now?...

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

I'm sure she's better in alot of ways and I'm sure she's great and much better than me...but in my mind, you'll never find anyone that loves you the way I do...
Your the one that kept me going...what do I do now that your gone?

always

Lying beside you,
Listening to you breathe.
The life that flows inside of you,
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me,
Of love without a sound.
Tell me you will live through this,
And I will die for you.
Cast me not away.
Say you'll be with me.
For I know I cannot bear it all alone.

Can't fight it all away, Can't hope it all away.
Can't scream it all away, It just won't fade away.
^^^^^
Um don't really know what to say about this besides it's just a part of a song by Evenescence that holds alot of meaning to me now...

You once told me that you got into your car and didn't put on your seat belt just hoping with everything in you that you would have a wreck and everything would be over....those words have never held so much meaning until now.

I don't know what else I can give...I love you but, that's not enough anymore.

I fucked up...I don't know how, but I did, I must have. I don't understand. What did I do wrong and why can't a fix it? Things were fine a total of probably 18-19 hours ago. I don't know what I did.

July 4, 2006 1:50 AM
I think....NO....I AM the luckiest person on the face of the earth...just thought I'd make sure you know how great you are.....<3

^^^^^^^^
lucky my ass...if that were true, you'd still be here...

i wont call you anymore because it hurts too much to hear that answering machine over and again. i won't think about you anymore because it hurts too much not to know that your okay. i won't make you my everything ever again because it hurts too much to know that I'm nothing to you.

alone

I feel like I'm not even human. I'm dead in your eyes, as well as in mine. I look in the mirror and see a different person. I don't have thoughts. All I have is guilt. All of this is way too dramatic. I feel like I'm in some kind of movie. Not a real person. Just a "thing" trying to be real. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep. All I can do is sit and guilt myself into another place until I drive myself insane. It wasn't supposed to be like this. This is all wrong. What I have is my guilt and my shame. I feel like it's all I use to get through the day. Things are spiraling out of control. If I'm not in control, I'm not alive. I'm numb to emotions. I can't cry anymore. I don't get mad. I just sit and stay in one mood. Nothing alters to the sligtest degree. From the bottom of all my shame and guilt...the only emotion I have is how sorry I am. I truely am sorry.