I made a very good decision yesterday.

I miss my old self. And I'm in need of some of my old strengths, even some of my old weaknesses. So, the decision is to go back to the way I was. Not completely, mind you. I'm not that stupid, I understand I was kind of destroying myself. This time I know how to make it a way of preservation rather than contained decay.

Don't know if anyone really understands this. I'm purposefully making this a little vague.

This is just mostly a way for me to officially tell myself rather than anyone else. A reminder of what is to come for me. Hopefully -- and I'm being a bit optimistic, which this time I hope it doesn't jinx me -- everything will be better soon.

Oh, and I'm never ever going to the bookstore by myself again. EVER. Not by myself. Nooo. If you're curious as to why, message me.

You hold the answer deep within your own mind
Obviously you've forgotten it
That's the way the human mind works
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain
We reject it, erase it from our memory
But the imprint is always there

You're not alone, honey. Never.

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away

But the imprint is always there
Nothing is ever really forgotten

Because I'll die if you do

(Speech from "Wash it All Away" by Evanescence)

Gone for three weeks

For those of you that know it, call me mom's cell number to reach me after today.

I'm going to miss ya'll <3 but I'll be going to WHS still, staying after school like normal. So it's not terrible. Just weekends are going to suck.

And she told you, laughing down to her core
So she would not cry
And she lay in your lap as she said
"Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp of [d]u[s]k and [s]u[m]m[e]r."

Whole song vvvvvvv

She smiled in a big way
The way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers. And she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway, down by the shore
In the lazy summer

And she pulled you in
And she bit your lip
And she made you hers
She looked deep into you as you lay together
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

But you’ve already lost
But you’ve already lost
But you’ve already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

And she combed your hair
And she kissed your teeth
And she made you better than you’d been before
And she told you bad things that you wished you could change
In the lazy summer

And she told you, laughing down to her core
So she would not cry
And she lay in your lap as she said
“Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.”

But you’ve already lost
But you’ve already lost
But you’ve already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

She said “No one is alone the way you are alone.”
And you held her looser than you would’ve if you ever could’ve known
Some things tie your life together
With slender threads of things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last

But you’ve already lost
But you’ve already lost
But you’ve already lost
When you only have barely enough of her to hang on
Hang on
Hang on
Hang on

I went on a date. I didn't think dates before going steady existed anymore. But they seem to... of course, it was technically me who asked him. Anbd technically me who invaded a friends' date so I wouldn't be scared by myself xD But Tokyo Drift = sexy movie. I want the musiiiiiic!

Quite possibly my closest friend for 4 years lives in Jacksonville, Florida.
So it sucks that whenever one of us needs comfort, or just a good friend, we can't get it.
She basically doesn't have any friends anymore. They all backstab her, lie to her, and they hate her boyfriend so much for no reason. Probably just because he's a 'bible-thumper' because he goes to church. I hate that. Her 'best friend' has been a selfish ass for ages. He doesn't care about their relationship, he just doesn't want her yelling at him. So now she basically has no friends except for me and her boyfriend. I feel bad for her... hrmm.
I would ask to visit her. But this fxsking HOUSE is gonna eat all our money. And I don't have a means of gaining any, really... She should come here, anyway. We're nicer.

Okay NOW it is officially my birthday. Loads of people online have wished me a good one, even people I dont know. Cool.
I feel kind of foolish. I believe that I really do like a guy online I've been jokingly liking for a while. Hrmm... how will this play out?
Happy Father's Day everybody.

Kay so... I'm not camping. yey/boo. I get to stay in town, but now there's tension. Everywhere. This house... everytime I come over no one ever speaks. And if they do speak, it's not to me, or its something I dont wanna talk about. *shrug*
Happy birthday to me. xD
New pic. Yeyy.
EDIT: A nice stranger was nice and gave me a present. It's the 2nd picture.

Camping.
Middle of No where.
Step Sister.
Father's Day gift unbought.
Birthday is Sunday.
My Zen is so gonna run out of battery.
Summer's boring as fxsk.

Ta-ta, my loves.
<~3

I'll believe all your lies~
Just pretend you love me~
Make believe close your eyes~
I'll be anything for you~

"Anything for You" -Evanescence
Currently listening to that, it's a fun song. Lyrics are a tad bit obsessive, but the music is danceable. So, I dance, and practice for my play thing. I have to move a lot in my character. I'm always in a wide stance, knees bent, head cocked all over the place, arms extended toward whatever I'm looking at, crosslegged whenever I'm sitting in some odd position... so dancing kind of helps.

And I have a cool picture up for the claim "Advertisement" on my home page. It's one of two. The other picture's going to be of another girl with a different ad, something along the lines of "Why but the expensive broken one when you can get her for so cheap? All she needs is lies and sex and she won't care what else you do!"

Skipped out on Nee's party. Dunno why, I just didn't feel like spending a bunch of time around a lot of people outside. And getting wet... I'm stupid and bought a strapless swimsuit on a whim, I'm just glad it came with attachable straps.

Long diary entry, huh? Well, there's nothing else to do, just rehearsals and computer. So... I think I'll go shower now... ta~
http://s7.invisionfree.com/secret_red_ink/

1:47 AM, Wednesday.
Reading a book.
Talking to a college student somewhere in the Northeast who know my name age and city.
My mom's out getting Wendy's after doing I-dont-wanna-know at Gerard's house.
I'm writing about a fictional character's twisted psychology with adults.
I want to call somebody. Anybody really. But it's so late.
... Yeah, this is a typical night.

What the fuck is wrong with humanity? More specifically, why do all the fucked up humans keep going to Danny Phantom forums!
http://z4.invisionfree.com/DannyPhantom/index.php?showtopic=6762&st=0last
That is only one instant where some puss-filled bastard has gone to DPO manipulating people. If you watch the video linked there, you see a crapload of people supporting these pedophiles just because they were banned too. "Oh, I don't like them, so I'm going to support little kids being taken advantage of over my morals" JESUS CHRIST! Seriously, Jesus Christ.
That's the crap my friend Destiny (Wolfz) has to go through. Porn addicts, bots, spam attacks, at leats 2-3 times a month. She's 17. WTF?!

Finallllly. New GrimJr/Minimandy. This comic actually makes me like the show :) I should show this to Luz... but no. She has this sick thought that Billy is among the hottest people alive. As well as Cartman, Dexter... I'll leave that as it is.
I want a Jawbreaker, but I discovered at the mall that they took them away. I was sad.
But I have pudding. And cranberry juice and a wine glass. Huzzah.

I'm bored. I can't sleep because soooooomebody weasled their way into my head. So what do I do?
I watch Phantom music videos on You Tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITyZIp7TldE&search=danny%20phantom%20valerie
I love Valerie, she fuxking rocks.
Also, I made a message board. Its black and red and sexy. Major kudos to LogicalInsanity for helping me out with graphics :D
http://z7.invisionfree.com/secret_red_ink
If you have poetry or anything, or pictures, you should join up. I want it to start well.

Fun day. X3 and Lansharx.
I hate my mom.
But, a really fun day.
Bruise on my hand and handprints on my ass.
But, a really fun day.
Walked down a street and got honked at like 8 times.
But, a really fun day.
Seriously. I haven't been this happy in a while.

I'm writing a lemon. For those of you who don't know the terminology, lemon = smut = sex story. It's by request. I wrote one for this girl a while back for her Quizilla story, but that was a long time ago. I've gotten decidedly better at writing since then. I think decidedly is my new word of the week or something.
But, yeah. That's my day.

Some things = decidedly better
Other things = decidedly same or... more troubling.
*shrug*
Stephen showed me a pretty fan-comic that I will love forever. Because it rocks.

Well, its summer. Yay. Can you say two months of sitting around doing absolutely nothing because everyone's going somewhere or doing something except you so all you can do is watch TV and hope someone wants to go see a new bad sequal with you?

Yeah, I don't like summer that much. At least during school I could talk to people in the courtyard. Meh.

-School
-Bio/Span Exams
-Boredom
-Afterschool, Bush's
-Mealy's house
--Elftown, Joecartoon, phone, boredom.
-Home
-Gerard's, boredom
-Boredom
-More internet
-Boredom

There is NOTHING to do anymore. I cannot wait to audition for the play...

OR



Only if you're my relative ^.^