I am working on my role for the Christmas Carol. The Duet dance I have with Scrooge is being a little problamatic. We've tried to get together a number of times to run it and he kind of spaces it, so we have not gotten much accomplished. He's still a good guy, and I like him enough. But I have to wonder if he is uncomfortable working alone with me on the dance, due to my sexual preference. It's not like I'd ever hit on him, even though he seems pretty familier with my 'ex'. He's even spending thanksgiving weekend at his house. I may just be paranoid. On the subject of discrimanation, Dr. K, the director of Cyrano, now has given me cause for worry. Ryon, who is coreographing some of the sword fighting, well ALL of it, was in Dr. K's office when he heard about him potentially casting himself in the lead role because "I'm tired of it always being faggots in the lead roles." I'm SORRY if I'm the only good actor on campus. It makes me sad that something that trivial would make him think less of me as an actor, I think he may have shunted me out of a role before knowing he feels this strongly about it. And he's already asked Ryon to be his Cyrano before we've even held auditions. Ryon has said he does not want to because he does not feel right for the part, even though he would like to play him. I guess I'll just have to kick ass at auditions and prove I'm the only one who can do it right. I know without a doubt there will be others, amendment, there have been others kissing ass instead, and it makes me so sad that he would let such ficticousness hold sway over him. Dirty sad old man. I used to think okay of him, even after he had come to a rehersal wasted, but now...I have no respect for him. I'm so dreading this play, and I want it to be so fun. But with stupid lokirim teaching sword and stupid Dr. K's attitude, it could end up being hell.

There is magic in words.
the power to make people cry
the power to teach one to love
or to kill, for they go hand in hand,
being so opposite, as they are.
just as peace and war do,
or man and woman HAH!
I got you there, no?
for also can man and man go together
or war with killing, or love with peace,
yet it is frowned upon, because people want
diversity!!!!!
I'm just trying to do my part.
I'm not always doing that well.

This ended up about me being gay, and not fitting into the world anywhere.

I generally don't post poetry, but this will be a poetry entry, as will the next because I was digging through some old stuff of mine and found a notebook I had written in. I don't even remember writing this stuff, but It's in my handwriting, so I must have. Anyway, I liked it, so I'm gonna put it up.

It can be hard when the only person you have to love
is yourself,
You know all your dissapointments,
All your failed dreams
All your crushing moments.
And they outweigh the glories.

Then when someone thinks to praise you
you know you are undeserving, so it is empty.
and you spend all your time trying to be someone else.

yet another dissapointment.

no one knows you, not even you
because you've built so many walls,
facades,
masks,
barriors.

And you thought you were free
but you can never be.

Don't you see?
you
are like me.

I am writing just becase I have nothing better to do while I wait for a guestbook message, which I hope I will get. I got the part of Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol, I get a dance duet with Scrooge, and am in the very first scene being drug down to Hell by death and little goblin things, very fun. Lokirim is still terrible, surprise, surprise. I'm so very hoping she won't be the choreographer for the sword fights in Cyrano. We shall see. Ug, life seems a bother just now. I'm going to go to a hypnotist show in about 45 minutes. I've tried self-hypnosis to get over some of my own shit (I said a bad word!) but it never worked, though I did hypnotise my cousin once. I've become more receptive since then I think, so maybe I will be tonight. I don't know if I want to be, but at the same time I would not pass up the oportunity. I hope Briar is okay, I don't want him to take everything to casually, but I want him to know that I understand why he's feeling like he does. There are other people out here who understand. I might put up some of my poetry, but maybe just some. It's all from the past though, so it does not really belong in my 'today' diary. But then, some of the feeling resurface. Life never ends until you don't want it to. All the way to the grave I'll be thinking, 'today would be a good day to die' and on the day that I do I'll think, 'why coudn't it be tomorrow.' this is just hypothosis of course. Oh well, who cares. 

Things are going pretty good right now. I got to perform on Saturday with the Musical Dance Theatre club, and we have audition for A Christmas Carol on Monday. it will be fun to be doing acting again. That's about it, oh, on Friday at the Haloween dance I was jointly responsible for I met a guy who was pretty fun to talk to. He was dressed as a marine, Tyson his name. I have no idea if I'll ever see him or about his sexual orientation, but it's still nice to have shared moments with people, without any of the tension of wondering what you are suposed to do, which is why I like finding out people are gay after I get to know them, then I can form an opinon of them independently of that, which is kind of bad, becasue it really should not matter, and try not to let it, but I guess I just haven't been around enough gay people to feel comfortable with them. I've only known, like on a conversational level, four people whom I have known were gay. Oh well, that's life.

Kurt just called Kajsa, who is my platonic life partner, and told her he wanted to kill himself. She was quite distraught, I wish I could talk to him. I don't know what he is going through excatly, but think I could offer comradarie that she could not, being gay myself. Kurt had a boyfriend, and I wonder if it is something with that, or with his family, who as far as I knew did not know about him. My hopes and wishes to his happiness.

I'm in a despondent state of being. Yesterday they announced the cast for the play I can't be in because of my brothers wedding, and it's affecting me worse than I thought. I was hanging out with people today and they were talking about stuff from auditions, and it was like I couldn't even stand being with them. I could have deffenetly been cast, and my ex-boyfriend got the role I wanted most. I'm not saying that the people who did make it don't deserve it, it just that I wish I had a shot. It's regresseed me to my depressive state of mind, which I haven't really had to deal with since I came out, I have alwayse used theatre to keep me sane, and I kind of feel like I've betrayed it. it sounds stupid I know. This weekend the brother who is getting married is graduating from post to be a cop, and I'm supposto go with the whole family, but I really don't feel like being sociable. I want to stay home and get wasted. I've never been drunk before, not to say that I haven't tried, I've just never been of the right frame of mind with the right juice I guess, but I wouldn't mind it now. The whole family would be gone and I just came of age to buy the stuff, so we'll see. I really want to ditch out on the whole graduation thing, not just cuz' of my brother, but becasue I'd have to ride in the car for a couple of hours with my three little brothers and parents, and stay at my grandparent's house, where I've never felt comfortable, and then go see my brother, and then ride back for a couple of hours with my parents and three younger brothers. No thank you.
That's all for now. (I added some stuff to elfwood, the happy part of my day.)

It's been a while, eh? Just finished the run of Peter Pan, in which I was Captian Hook and Mr. Darling. Four of our seven shows were sold out, pretty exciting. I'm glad it's over now though, I had a stupid fake mustach I had to fight every night, and my sword was not that easy to handle, especially with my left hand, beign right handed myself. I'm writing a story, about a faerie who had to get the help of a dragon to get the sun back, it's coming along well, I bet that discription sounds pretty lame, maybe I'll post it on elfwood when it's done. I'm also drawing pic's for it, so that's fun too. I'm hoping Briar is okay, I don't know if he realizes how much I cared about him, and still could. We'll see. Vin probably thinks I hate him or something. Maybe he just thinks I'm beign inconsistant, a cmoputer person who has faded into digital land, it's probably better that way, even though it was not my intent. Life goes on. I turn 21 tomorrow. All legal for all the illegal stuff I don't do anyway. according to my diary entry date, I turn 21 today. Happy Birthday to me. ^-^ -_- *blah* good-bye.

Is it wrong to be happy when bad things happen to bad people, especially if it's something they brought upon themself? Lokirim had a friend call the future bride of the guy she likes to tell her that he had been screwing around behind her back, she cussed at the guy and hung up, not really believing it. Later, after she told him he confronted lokirim and caught her in a lie, so he is no longer having anything to do with her. So now she's trying to be chummy with EVERYone. No one likes her though because she is so decietful and manipulative, or tries to be, it does not work anymore. My ex boy-toy does not seem to disinchanted with her though, I think I may throw him a warning. Oh well, the seeds we sow. =]

Blah, pokey pokey. I cooked today, I got a new cell phone yesterday. blah again.

I was nice to see Vin yesterday, but I don't know what to do with him after we spend, like, five minutes together. All of our poking and cuddling and glomping gets a little redundant, and I really don't know much about him. Quinn asked for info on me, I guess there is a possiblity we might strike up a corospondence, which could be nice. It seems that everyone has fallen out of favor with lokirim, unless she has recruted some new freshman followers, wich I suspect and I feel sorry for them. She has bad Carma. poor sad lonely deceteful manipulative lokirim. Ohh, I submitted some new images to elfwood, including a drawing of Briar, hope they will be up soon. I also have a couple more I want to put up and a few I want to replace with a better quality scan. We'll see what happens. Ta ta.

It seems like it's been so long since I've been here. I've stuck my nose in occasionally, but not really done anything. Too much gunk is happining. Last night I was the meanest to a person I've ever been, I'm usually very nice to everyone. Lokirim was being very pressing on why I was so cold to her, I usually am quite civil, even to her, but I had spent a large portion of the day riding in the car with my three younger brothers, so I had a short temper as it was, anyhow I eventually told her that it was becase I didn't want to encourage her, that I was tired of playing her games, and that she was a manipulative decietful person. She told me that if I could not be professional I should drop out of the alpha delta's presidency, which is not going to happen, everyone I've spoken with says if anyone is to go it will be her. I've always respected her opinins and being, but chose to to subject myself to her mind games, and I guess it just pisses her off. To bad for her. On top of that my mom has been dealing with a lot of emotional stress, her mother took my cousin out of school and to her house, where my mentally handicapped aunt lives who has a history of being a sexual abuser (as I leaned first hand) and becasue my mom knows what happened to me and my brother and my cousins she is desperatly trying to get him away from there, and it just adds more stress on her than she needs. She is even talking about going to social services to report her mother and sister if they don't leave my cousin alone. An unhappy situation. even more, I've not talked with vincerious in a while, he probably thinks I've dropped him. Not the case, I'm just a lot busyer than I was, working more hours, doing things with the drama club presidency and rehersing for Peter Pan (in which I play Captian Hook and Mr. Darling, yeah me.) I feel so bad so often about disapointing my mother by being gay, I wish she would realize what I've gone through before I accepted it myself. I wish I could say to her, 'I met this really nice guy', and she would say, 'when is he coming over for dinner'. That my brother just older than my just got engaged does not help. Now it's like everyone wants me to be next, while at the same time praying I won't be becasue they are horrified at who I might end up with. Life sucks. I wonder if I've just set a record for longest diary entry, I'm sure I havn't, other people have sucky lives too. I'm gonna go talk to someone, and send vin a message. Why not eh?

I'm tired but I'm trying to stay awake till midnight so I can go get LOTR TT. don't know if it's worth it, but I've only got an hour and a half to go. Maybe I'll nap till them. Maybe not, I'm too weary to tell.

I don't mind being wanted, but there are some people I just do not want to be pursued by. Blah

I am afraid, afraid that I've gotten myself a leech. A guy I was with for a little while last year has returned for school, at Christmas we had seperated due to his uncertianty of being gay (and I don't date closet cases). After that he began talking badly about me, so I was fine being done with him. Today he walks into the library and tells me he was hoping he would be able to see me and wanted to talk this evening. He seemed to be nervous, and had an almost fake looking smile plastered on. I so hope he does not want to get back together, and just want him to leave me alone. ARRGG! Some people should just dissapear forever. 

School starts tomorrow, and even though I will not be attending it means that more stuff is going to be going on. Excited for auditions on Tuesday, and meeting all the drama people tomorrow. I'm really rather tired right now, so that is all. ^_^

Vin was actually aware of me today, true all of my dealings with him before have been more through Briar, but still, there is some satisfaction it breaking through. I also visitied Werethylacine's site, some good stuff there, I really like they way she does eyes, very soul-full. I want to get my recent pictures on elfwood, but it won't happen until sometime in September, due to scanner avalibility. I have not put anything on for a long time and feel that I have improved with my more recent art, well...I guess it's just that I had an art spurt, which is really the only time that I feel really good about what I draw, and it's only happened I think three times in my life, so I draw like mad during those times, and hope to get some pictures completed. The drawing of Briar turned out pretty well, and I'm thinking I may want to draw Vin, we'll see. (Durty, nasty Vincerius O,~) Well, I think I may be done here for the day, or perhaps I'll come back later this evening. we shall see what we shall see.

I'm feeling ill today, stomach flu or something. It started last night just before the county talent show, so I did not perform very well. I'm hoping I'll be recovered for auditions on the 26th. who knows.

I don't know why I starting chatting in this town, I guess I didn't think I would meet anyone significant. I knew that the chat rooms take up so much time, even if it's just waiting for the people you know to come in. And now I feel like I cannot stop the chatting, because I feel a have a small place there, even if it's just the guy with the mice =p but I feel bad using up all my time on people who will eventually just fade away from my life. I guess it's for the immediate gratification, feel accepted and having someone to get along with. The Drama geeks are starting to return to the campus, so I may fill that need with them, but I feel it would be bad of me to neglect Elftown, because I feel I owe these people something. Maybe I'll just gradually slow down my visits until people stop expecting me, or stop coming all together. But I don't want people to think I no longer like them, It would be nice to continue a chatroom relationship with someone for once. But once people get older, and no longer need the peer support they cannot find in their area's they stop coming. I guess I still need that support. *sigh* some of the people are never forgotten, some are, but some touch me too deeply to fade away. Atuarre, BizRodin, I_don't_drive_the_ambulance, and an assortment of others (none from elftown were mentioned, simply becasue they are all meaningful at this time, in their ways) being gay sucks, at least in Utah. Well, enough rambling from me, for now.

People can be so stupid. Kathryn just gushed to me about she and Ryon, who is ingaged to Laurel, whom I was on the phone with until three o'clock two nights ago trying to give comfort. It seems there is more going on between Ryon and Kathryn than Laurel or I knew, I like Ryon, but have lost any expectations for him about two months ago, since the strip phase-10 game he had with two other girls, Laurel didn't know of course. Kathryn keeps baiting Ryon, who loves Laurel more, but since she lives about two hours away wants the comfort of a femal, something he has been known to get into before, having a girl on the side. It would all be nice and solved if one of them would convieniently drop off the face of the earth. A spacific one. No such luck eh?

I have now moved to a new location, since I'm sure all of you wanted to know that. Still in the same town, but closer to the college campus. School starts in one week, which means auditions for the firts play will be in one week and one day! We will be putting on Peter Pan. I'm hopeful to get (and everyone who has already come down seems to believe it) Captian Hook. I got a nice wound on the middle finger of my right hand last night practicing the sword routine that we are going to perform at the Halloween dance. I think I just pulled loose the wound that Kathryne had inflicted a week or two ago because no one ever made contact with it. Ryon got a nice welt across the forehead though, I'm not sure if it was becasue he was not used to the contact, if the light was too dim, or if I just overreached. It was probably a combination of all of the above. (It was the first time I've gotten someone with my rapier though, and I didn't draw blood!) That's all the fun exciting stuff going on in my life right now. Buh bye.