Leaving for Frisco in about an hour for auditions for the University of Delaware's Professional Theatre Training Program, it's a little scary cuz' I've never been on a comercial jet before, or navigated a big city. I'm not so worried about the auditions (which are tomorrow) but about getting to them. I'm sure it will all work out though, I've got good Karma!

Sent of Ugly Like Me manuscript today. Had a confrontation with my mom recently about my 'effect' on my little brothers, cuz she saw a book with a nude guy on the cover. It was an anatamy for artists book, but she was pretty upset, said I was bringing evil spirits into the house. Blah.

I finished writing the Ugly duckling story, and am putting it on my home page. It made my mom cry!

I feel terribly alone just now. I'm not sure what spawned it. I've been writing a version of the Ugly Duckling lately, it's been kind of cathartic. I just finished Boy meets Boy, I can't believe it's ended. I often feel as though I will never find a guy that I will fell comfortable loving. Maybe thats just because all the out gays here are kind of creepy, and the one guy I did think I loved kind of betrayed me and turned on me. I'm tired of the life I'm living, and very scared that my plans to change it are going to fall through. I just mailed my application to the University of Delaware today, but there are so many potential problems with the audition. I need to do it on the 15th of February because that is the only day I won't be rehersing for Cyrano that they are holding auditions, which means I'll need to fly to San Francisco after rehersal on Saturday, audition on Sunday, and fly back late Sunday or early Monday for school/rehersal. So stressful to think about. I don't know what audition format they expect, as I've only ever auditioned with cold readings. I need to get away from here. Blah. (Also my computer is being stupid.) Well, I'm done ranting for now. Ta ta.

Ugh, the parentals are getting buggy. I thought moving back in wouldn't be this bad, but my dad doesn't want me to come onto elftown because it requires a password and he can't see what I'm doing here. I didn't realize he was being such a control freak. I need to get away, hopefully only five more months of this, then Delaware if all works out. 

I almost wish I could go away from my home for Christmas. Three little children, well maybe not all so little, can make quite a disturbance in a household. My little brothers are between thirteen and four years old, and prolonged exposure to them is hazardous to one's health. My mom is also a little upset right now because she does not feel like my dad listens to her. So we've got some pretty bad carma circulating here. I finished wrapping all my Christmas gifts today, glad to get that done. Hopefully everyone will go to bed soon, and then I'll have some nice quiet 'me' time. I could go for a walk, which sounds very tempting right now, but my dad hates it when I come into the house after he's gone to bed. He's the lightest sleeper I've ever known, not that I've known very many. I'd also like to have some time to work on my art stuff on the computer. I'm working on combining an exploding star with one of my nightcrawler pic's for the 'Bamf'. During the day my mom either uses it for her writing or my dad uses it for his webpage/writing. I have a computer in my room, but it does not have an internet connection, and it refuses to save anything to a disk to transfer to any other computer. Frustrating for me. Nightcrawer has been demanding my attention very much, in less than a week I've drawn about a dozen pic's of him. Not all are completely completed, but mostly. They will all be appearing on my fan page in elfwood when they are done, some have been posted there already. Okay, things are quieter, I'm off to do other things. 

Results for Cyrano posted today, after a very stressfull weekend of waiting. I got the part of De Guiche, essentially the villian of the play. It will be a lot of fun, and one of my characters cronies part if being played by my ex-fling. Oh the charms of theatre, it should be alright though, he's a little miffed about the reception of his last part, the director essentially told him that he made a mistake in casting him. We got along pretty well in The Christmas Carol, and that had potential for some odd moments, what with him coreographing the dancing. I literally held him in my arms again for some of it. I think there will always be that little but of strage feelings between us, but you go on with life. 

Today was quite the hectic day, adding to the mood of the week. At 1:05 I recieved a call asking why I wasn't at the theatre for A Christmas Carol, and that we were supposto start at 1:00. I had thought the performance was at 3:00 (and I wasn't the only one, the ghost of Christmas Present also thought it was at 3:00) So I ran there and went directly on stage upon arriving. It's great the stress of live theatre. Tomorrow I get to watch the first part of HBO's Angels in America though, and I'm totally stoked for that. I've been a huge fan of the play for about three years, and seeing Meryll Streep and Al Pachino bring it to life is just amazing. That's really all I've got for now, auditions for Cyrano are next week so I'll have more to blurb about after that.

I am working on my role for the Christmas Carol. The Duet dance I have with Scrooge is being a little problamatic. We've tried to get together a number of times to run it and he kind of spaces it, so we have not gotten much accomplished. He's still a good guy, and I like him enough. But I have to wonder if he is uncomfortable working alone with me on the dance, due to my sexual preference. It's not like I'd ever hit on him, even though he seems pretty familier with my 'ex'. He's even spending thanksgiving weekend at his house. I may just be paranoid. On the subject of discrimanation, Dr. K, the director of Cyrano, now has given me cause for worry. Ryon, who is coreographing some of the sword fighting, well ALL of it, was in Dr. K's office when he heard about him potentially casting himself in the lead role because "I'm tired of it always being faggots in the lead roles." I'm SORRY if I'm the only good actor on campus. It makes me sad that something that trivial would make him think less of me as an actor, I think he may have shunted me out of a role before knowing he feels this strongly about it. And he's already asked Ryon to be his Cyrano before we've even held auditions. Ryon has said he does not want to because he does not feel right for the part, even though he would like to play him. I guess I'll just have to kick ass at auditions and prove I'm the only one who can do it right. I know without a doubt there will be others, amendment, there have been others kissing ass instead, and it makes me so sad that he would let such ficticousness hold sway over him. Dirty sad old man. I used to think okay of him, even after he had come to a rehersal wasted, but now...I have no respect for him. I'm so dreading this play, and I want it to be so fun. But with stupid lokirim teaching sword and stupid Dr. K's attitude, it could end up being hell.

There is magic in words.
the power to make people cry
the power to teach one to love
or to kill, for they go hand in hand,
being so opposite, as they are.
just as peace and war do,
or man and woman HAH!
I got you there, no?
for also can man and man go together
or war with killing, or love with peace,
yet it is frowned upon, because people want
diversity!!!!!
I'm just trying to do my part.
I'm not always doing that well.

This ended up about me being gay, and not fitting into the world anywhere.

I generally don't post poetry, but this will be a poetry entry, as will the next because I was digging through some old stuff of mine and found a notebook I had written in. I don't even remember writing this stuff, but It's in my handwriting, so I must have. Anyway, I liked it, so I'm gonna put it up.

It can be hard when the only person you have to love
is yourself,
You know all your dissapointments,
All your failed dreams
All your crushing moments.
And they outweigh the glories.

Then when someone thinks to praise you
you know you are undeserving, so it is empty.
and you spend all your time trying to be someone else.

yet another dissapointment.

no one knows you, not even you
because you've built so many walls,
facades,
masks,
barriors.

And you thought you were free
but you can never be.

Don't you see?
you
are like me.

I am writing just becase I have nothing better to do while I wait for a guestbook message, which I hope I will get. I got the part of Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol, I get a dance duet with Scrooge, and am in the very first scene being drug down to Hell by death and little goblin things, very fun. Lokirim is still terrible, surprise, surprise. I'm so very hoping she won't be the choreographer for the sword fights in Cyrano. We shall see. Ug, life seems a bother just now. I'm going to go to a hypnotist show in about 45 minutes. I've tried self-hypnosis to get over some of my own shit (I said a bad word!) but it never worked, though I did hypnotise my cousin once. I've become more receptive since then I think, so maybe I will be tonight. I don't know if I want to be, but at the same time I would not pass up the oportunity. I hope Briar is okay, I don't want him to take everything to casually, but I want him to know that I understand why he's feeling like he does. There are other people out here who understand. I might put up some of my poetry, but maybe just some. It's all from the past though, so it does not really belong in my 'today' diary. But then, some of the feeling resurface. Life never ends until you don't want it to. All the way to the grave I'll be thinking, 'today would be a good day to die' and on the day that I do I'll think, 'why coudn't it be tomorrow.' this is just hypothosis of course. Oh well, who cares. 

Things are going pretty good right now. I got to perform on Saturday with the Musical Dance Theatre club, and we have audition for A Christmas Carol on Monday. it will be fun to be doing acting again. That's about it, oh, on Friday at the Haloween dance I was jointly responsible for I met a guy who was pretty fun to talk to. He was dressed as a marine, Tyson his name. I have no idea if I'll ever see him or about his sexual orientation, but it's still nice to have shared moments with people, without any of the tension of wondering what you are suposed to do, which is why I like finding out people are gay after I get to know them, then I can form an opinon of them independently of that, which is kind of bad, becasue it really should not matter, and try not to let it, but I guess I just haven't been around enough gay people to feel comfortable with them. I've only known, like on a conversational level, four people whom I have known were gay. Oh well, that's life.

Kurt just called Kajsa, who is my platonic life partner, and told her he wanted to kill himself. She was quite distraught, I wish I could talk to him. I don't know what he is going through excatly, but think I could offer comradarie that she could not, being gay myself. Kurt had a boyfriend, and I wonder if it is something with that, or with his family, who as far as I knew did not know about him. My hopes and wishes to his happiness.

I'm in a despondent state of being. Yesterday they announced the cast for the play I can't be in because of my brothers wedding, and it's affecting me worse than I thought. I was hanging out with people today and they were talking about stuff from auditions, and it was like I couldn't even stand being with them. I could have deffenetly been cast, and my ex-boyfriend got the role I wanted most. I'm not saying that the people who did make it don't deserve it, it just that I wish I had a shot. It's regresseed me to my depressive state of mind, which I haven't really had to deal with since I came out, I have alwayse used theatre to keep me sane, and I kind of feel like I've betrayed it. it sounds stupid I know. This weekend the brother who is getting married is graduating from post to be a cop, and I'm supposto go with the whole family, but I really don't feel like being sociable. I want to stay home and get wasted. I've never been drunk before, not to say that I haven't tried, I've just never been of the right frame of mind with the right juice I guess, but I wouldn't mind it now. The whole family would be gone and I just came of age to buy the stuff, so we'll see. I really want to ditch out on the whole graduation thing, not just cuz' of my brother, but becasue I'd have to ride in the car for a couple of hours with my three little brothers and parents, and stay at my grandparent's house, where I've never felt comfortable, and then go see my brother, and then ride back for a couple of hours with my parents and three younger brothers. No thank you.
That's all for now. (I added some stuff to elfwood, the happy part of my day.)

It's been a while, eh? Just finished the run of Peter Pan, in which I was Captian Hook and Mr. Darling. Four of our seven shows were sold out, pretty exciting. I'm glad it's over now though, I had a stupid fake mustach I had to fight every night, and my sword was not that easy to handle, especially with my left hand, beign right handed myself. I'm writing a story, about a faerie who had to get the help of a dragon to get the sun back, it's coming along well, I bet that discription sounds pretty lame, maybe I'll post it on elfwood when it's done. I'm also drawing pic's for it, so that's fun too. I'm hoping Briar is okay, I don't know if he realizes how much I cared about him, and still could. We'll see. Vin probably thinks I hate him or something. Maybe he just thinks I'm beign inconsistant, a cmoputer person who has faded into digital land, it's probably better that way, even though it was not my intent. Life goes on. I turn 21 tomorrow. All legal for all the illegal stuff I don't do anyway. according to my diary entry date, I turn 21 today. Happy Birthday to me. ^-^ -_- *blah* good-bye.

Is it wrong to be happy when bad things happen to bad people, especially if it's something they brought upon themself? Lokirim had a friend call the future bride of the guy she likes to tell her that he had been screwing around behind her back, she cussed at the guy and hung up, not really believing it. Later, after she told him he confronted lokirim and caught her in a lie, so he is no longer having anything to do with her. So now she's trying to be chummy with EVERYone. No one likes her though because she is so decietful and manipulative, or tries to be, it does not work anymore. My ex boy-toy does not seem to disinchanted with her though, I think I may throw him a warning. Oh well, the seeds we sow. =]

Blah, pokey pokey. I cooked today, I got a new cell phone yesterday. blah again.

I was nice to see Vin yesterday, but I don't know what to do with him after we spend, like, five minutes together. All of our poking and cuddling and glomping gets a little redundant, and I really don't know much about him. Quinn asked for info on me, I guess there is a possiblity we might strike up a corospondence, which could be nice. It seems that everyone has fallen out of favor with lokirim, unless she has recruted some new freshman followers, wich I suspect and I feel sorry for them. She has bad Carma. poor sad lonely deceteful manipulative lokirim. Ohh, I submitted some new images to elfwood, including a drawing of Briar, hope they will be up soon. I also have a couple more I want to put up and a few I want to replace with a better quality scan. We'll see what happens. Ta ta.

It seems like it's been so long since I've been here. I've stuck my nose in occasionally, but not really done anything. Too much gunk is happining. Last night I was the meanest to a person I've ever been, I'm usually very nice to everyone. Lokirim was being very pressing on why I was so cold to her, I usually am quite civil, even to her, but I had spent a large portion of the day riding in the car with my three younger brothers, so I had a short temper as it was, anyhow I eventually told her that it was becase I didn't want to encourage her, that I was tired of playing her games, and that she was a manipulative decietful person. She told me that if I could not be professional I should drop out of the alpha delta's presidency, which is not going to happen, everyone I've spoken with says if anyone is to go it will be her. I've always respected her opinins and being, but chose to to subject myself to her mind games, and I guess it just pisses her off. To bad for her. On top of that my mom has been dealing with a lot of emotional stress, her mother took my cousin out of school and to her house, where my mentally handicapped aunt lives who has a history of being a sexual abuser (as I leaned first hand) and becasue my mom knows what happened to me and my brother and my cousins she is desperatly trying to get him away from there, and it just adds more stress on her than she needs. She is even talking about going to social services to report her mother and sister if they don't leave my cousin alone. An unhappy situation. even more, I've not talked with vincerious in a while, he probably thinks I've dropped him. Not the case, I'm just a lot busyer than I was, working more hours, doing things with the drama club presidency and rehersing for Peter Pan (in which I play Captian Hook and Mr. Darling, yeah me.) I feel so bad so often about disapointing my mother by being gay, I wish she would realize what I've gone through before I accepted it myself. I wish I could say to her, 'I met this really nice guy', and she would say, 'when is he coming over for dinner'. That my brother just older than my just got engaged does not help. Now it's like everyone wants me to be next, while at the same time praying I won't be becasue they are horrified at who I might end up with. Life sucks. I wonder if I've just set a record for longest diary entry, I'm sure I havn't, other people have sucky lives too. I'm gonna go talk to someone, and send vin a message. Why not eh?

I'm tired but I'm trying to stay awake till midnight so I can go get LOTR TT. don't know if it's worth it, but I've only got an hour and a half to go. Maybe I'll nap till them. Maybe not, I'm too weary to tell.