I’ve made a total ass of myself. I’m kinda proud of it. I kissed him, and it seemed like a rape kiss, which I guess it was, but now there has been resolution for me. I don’t know what he’ll think of ‘us’ but I’m at a good place. I feel like I’ve completed a journey, from initial interest to expression of that interest to the individual, to rejection of interest. I knew he really didn’t want to get into anything with me, but I was just hanging on this thread of expectation, and to have projected that expectation and experienced the repercussion of it is very satisfying. It was a motivated gesture, tonight Matt was playing the Bass guitar for a performance of Songs for a New World. I was sitting just so that I could see him framed between the two center singers, Mara and Justin, and during one duet that Melinda and Justin sang, I’d Give it all For You, I was just smitten and stupefied. I would have just gone home after the performance, without anything to do with Matt that is, but I had climbed a pole, in the exerting of my suppression, and he happened to walk down the path. I thought it was somewhat out of the way, but I guess now. Anyway, I took it as a sign, or was just too additionally tormented by him, that I took a shortcut to his apartment, waited for him to arrive, than told him…I knew from the start I’d make an ass of myself for you. He said What? So I had to repeat it. Then I kissed him, he turned his head so I just got the corner of his mouth, then I said…I envy your life. I think he said Okay, or something like that, then I said, I had to do that so I could go to bed tonight, bye. Then I left.  It’s over and done, and I’m glad I did it, and tomorrow will bring what it brings. (Now I’m a little scared. :P )  Isn't this juvenile of me?

I’m horrible at reading signs. If he asks if I want a ride home, is that an invitation for alone time? Is he just being considerate? If Brent hadn’t been there again tonight, I would have totally taken him up on his offer. I would have liked to have stayed later…twelve-thirty is entirely too early for me to be in bed. I feel it would be too odd and obvious to stay later just now. He said he felt bad about not doing the meteor thing. I’ve never been alone with matt really, Lauretta said people are different when you are alone with them. How would it be with us. I think I would be more involved, I wouldn’t be sitting in the back of conversations about professors at school. Does Matt think I’m worth investing in I wonder? Would he consider continuing correspondence once he leaves here? I guess it depends on what level we have progressed to. I don’t really feel like I can get to know him, and let him know me, when everyone else is talking. I don’t really have anything to contribute to these conversations, it will happen eventually. I think things will be good. Even if, like the last week, I make an ass of myself, it would be worth it. I’m not willing to throw myself out though until I know just what I want with him, and I don’t know…which is why I think it would be nice to spend time with just him and see where the conversation goes. I’ve started loving little things about him, the space between his nose and upper lip in profile, that when he laughs, really laughs, it doesn’t seem like his smile could fit on his face, that he messes up his hair, seeming self conscious when it isn’t messed up. That he seem so young, but has experienced so much. He’s so carefree but has so much life knowledge to draw from. I love that his torment shows through in his writing. And I wonder what that torment is. I love that he throws me tidbits about a conversation I mightn’t understand, as mentioned before. I still don’t think that I love him, but I think I could. I just wish I knew what he thought of a potential us. It would be long distance, which wouldn’t bother me, just the idea of having a boyfriend is so sweet, it would be nice. 

I feel like writing, I really have no direction but Erlbach has fucking contagoned me. This summer has been incredible, I feel like I’ve started experiencing life…that I’m breaking away from the sheltered upbringing that my parents and brothers are so involved in. I think that I could be ready to have sex with Matt. It’s quite curious to think about, because I’ve not …reached the emotional level with him, the intimacy. Or maybe I have and it just hasn’t be vocalized by either of us. Am I starting to love him? The smitten has passed, it was a very brief moment..  Admiration and interest still persist. I wish I knew his desires, but that would take all the fun out of it eh? Lauretta says I should try getting alone with him. Tonight we were supposed to go watch the meteor shower, but Brent, a fried of his and Michaels, came over and it took up the evening. Matt changed into sweats tonight, a casualness that he hasn’t done before. I wondered about it. It showed off his package more. Is package a stupid term to use? Juvenile and foolish? It’s more appropriate that dick, so it shall remain. He also said that I was going unless I wanted to sleep on the couch and make breakfast in the morning. Is he expressing interest? Is he flirting? He knows I’m a virgin, and uncircumcised. He knows a lot about my upbringing and current position. I feel comfortable with him, I could give myself to him because I think it would be a situation where he understands. He had his first relationship at fourteen, which is when I was getting out of the molestation situation. Ironic eh?  I feel we have so much in common. Vegi, caring as much for animals as people, reclusive, I don’t really know him, I have I idealization of what I want him to be, and it could be quite different than who he actually is. I want someone who has experienced things so that I’m not stuck in the bubble of two ignorant people. I don’t want to be stuck with a me. Matt has talked about coming back next season, which could be wonderful, or could be strange depending on what happens in the next three weeks. If I freaked him out too much he probably wouldn’t come back, so that might not be a problem. I don’t know how serious a conversation he would care to have about what could happen between us. I don’t want to have a determining the relationship talk, it’s so stupid. I’ve already decided that I’m willing to make an ass of myself for him, so why not push it further. Maybe right now is not a good time, because his parents are coming into town this weekend. Maybe it would be better to just shove myself out there and see what he’s willing to take. I adore him because he seems so youthful, but he’s done so much and it doesn’t interfere. I’m going to go get ice cream…and ponder for a little while. I think I’m gonna try and push it. I don’t really know how, but I want to see what I could get from him…what he would want to share. If we just rushed into sex, could there be a romantic progression? With our current speed, I don’t think anything tangible would be evident be the end of the season. He’s offered to let me stay with him if I ever end up in Illinois or New York, which would be awesome..not like a living together thing but more a visiting during spring break kinda thing. Would it be terribly obvious if I were to ask him how his past relationships have progressed? Not that I’m mr. subtle now. It would be nice to know what our potential was. I don’t think I’ve known him long enough to love him, shit I know Marc for three months before we kissed, and I didn’t know that I loved him until a month after that, maybe some sort of physical interchange facilitates the feelings of love. I know that I adore Matt. I love spending time with him, I love his compliments. (I need to compliment him more) I love that he keeps updating me on the conversations, (the friend playing a character, the place spoken of being one of two gay bars. ) I think I should push it. Be more obvious. Make physical contact, compliment him, ask him about himself. (is it tacky to ask about past relationships?) Try to find out just what he want to put forth. Yep. Okay, ta.

Hum de ta da... I've had limited computer access recently, staying at my bro's after my job thing in Thousand Oaks fell through.

Here's the story if anyone is terribly intersted. Pre-warning, it's long.

This is the story

On Wednesday, the 23rd of July, I rode up to SLC with my mom and her cousin, who was driving us. The flight out to Burbank (via Oakland) was rather usual, took less than half an hour to get from the dropoff point to my terminal, than waited for about three and a half hours. I drew and people watched to pass the time. 

Upon arriving in Burbank I departed the plane and headed to the baggage claim to retrieve my two bags and meet Mr. Schlegel. He was waiting there wearing black pants and a black t-shirt, looking like a cross between my father and Dr. K (college professor).
We shook hands waited for my bags. As we waited I gave him a letter my mom had written on the way to the airport. Standard 'thanks for giving my son this opportunity, I'm sure you'll treat him well' sort of thing. After we got the bags we went to his car, a small corvette? I forget what kind of car it was, though he mentioned it a number of times.

He asked me if I was hungery, which I wasn't really but I felt I should eat because I didn't know what would be availiable later and I should have been hungry, having had only airplane food for a while. I told him just a salad would be good, so he drove into Burbank and we went to an Italian restraunt. This was the classiest restraunt I've ever been in, it puts the Olive Garden to shame. As we were walking from the car to the restraunt, Mr. Schlegel would guide me around corners by touching the small of my back, wich seemed a little familier, but was okay. I was rather tired and really just wanted to go to bed. 

In the restraunt I just ordered the salad bar, Bill (easier to type than Mr. Schlegel) didn't order anything, as he said he had eaten earlier. The salad was pretty cool, all spinachy and differend kinds of lettuce and stuff, so that was nice, but all the time I just wanted to leave. Bill asked me about being gay in Utah (It was something I had on my profile) and I finished eating. I felt bad having had so little and wanting to leave so soon after arriving but I wanted to get to bed so we left.

As we stood at the door to the elevator that took us to the car level, Bill started runnign his hand up and down my tricep, and said 'Don't be so shy'. At that point I started to wonder what I had gotten myself into, I think I told him 'I'm just really tired' Which I now think was not the best thing to say. As were driving to Thousand Oaks we were talking about movies and stuff like that and Bill took my had, interlocking fingers style. I was just kind of stunned and didn't know what to do. I was concerned that if I upset him I could be in a lot worse situation, so I didn't say anything or pull away. I did however pinch my thigh with my other hand to keep myself from screaming or crying or whatever my tired frustrated emotions were wanting to do. It all seemed very surreal.

He eventually took his hand away to turn a corner, and I didn't let him have it back. 

We got out at his house and I could hear the dogs. (He has four) He took me in and showed me around the house, then went to the screen where two of the dogs had been eagerly waiting (the doxies were in his bedroom)and asked if I was ready for this. Since we had arrived at the house my primary thought had been 'let me see the dogs' because I needed something I could hold onto that would offer me comfort. So we went outside and the great peranese, Sheba, jumped up to me. I made it easy for her by dropping into a crouch and just let her bury me. Sheba was great, I spent at least half an hour just holding and petting her while Bill got some dog food and played with the terrior (yoda).  (Thank You Sheba!!!!)

After I had gotten enough strenght from Sheba to make it throught the night we carried my bags into my room. The bed was just matresses. Bill said that it was an odd size and he didn't have any sheets for it. I told him I would be fine just using some blankets, He pulled some out, and then suggested that I share his bed (but that he wouldn't try anything). Needless to say I opted for the blankets.

After I had spread my blankets out on the bed (Bill was off doing other stuff) I called my mom just to let them know I was still alive. I was thinking at this point I might not want to stay, but didn't want to tell them everything in the middle of the night. So after I woke my mom up with the call I just told her I was still alive and would talk to her tomorrow.

I then told Bill that I was going to bed, and he gave me a hug, kind of rubbing my back a little, then he kissed my neck. I tried to kind of gently back away, but he kissed my cheek and then went for the mouth. I was able to turn my face enough for him to miss that target and pulled back as much as I could. I told him that if he expected this arrangement to work he would have to respect my boundaries. He told me, "Get some sleep" with a 'comforting' smile, then went out of my room. 

I did not get much sleep.

The next morning I called my mom again and told her I needed to come home, so she called my brother Jeff who is living in Cedar City and he called me and we talked about flights and got stuff tentitivly arrainged. Then I went out to talk to Bill. I told him that I was going home because I didn't think this arrangment was going to work out. I said that if it was how he wanted it I would not be happy and if it was how I wanted it he would not be happy. I then asked if he would be able to drive me to the airport in L.A. for my flight to Vegas (where Jeff would pick me up). He did, and on the trip he said he thought I was making a mistake, that I was having a knee-jerk reaction that just running scared. He also said that if I changed my mind to give him a call and he'd get me a flight back out. 

So, now I am living in St. George with my brother. I've got a job at Target. We've looked at housing a little bit, I'll eventaully move into an apartment or something more centrally located than my borothers house. And that's that!! I've found an apartment I really like, I just hope it's not filled up before I can get the downpayment/rent together, otherwise I'll have to find another place, blah.

THE END of the L.A. story.

Looking through a book I found some quotes I liked, so I'm going to stick them here for later refrence.
"I think there are elements of the personality, including obsessiveness, that make the discovery of the talent inevitable."~Chris Van Allsburg

"Dexterity is a skill. It's what you do with it that makes you an artist."~Jack Lenor Larsen

"To be great you have to be a little bit insane." ~Peter Westbrook


"The key to virtuosity is when the difficulty of doing something falls away. You know it when you see it."~Michael Moschen

"You cannot imitate someone elses performance--you have to search for your own."~Mikhail Baryshnikov

I've got a job offer in California, to go and upkeep a house and watch dogs for an executive in the motion pic industry! I'm excited and scared. I've only been out of Utah about a dozen times, so kind of entrusting myself to this fellow seems a little wierd to me. He seems to be really nice, two of the dogs he has were kind of dumped on him by people who didn't want them any more (one of which was a great perianese, and they are BIG) And the terrior he has he found under a car in his business parking lot dehydrated and malnurished. He took it into his office, then brought it into his home. He thinks it was a street dog that just wasn 't making it. Seems like my kinda guy! I just hope he doesn't have expectations that I am unable to meet, I think that is my biggest concern, that he thinks I might be something that I'm not, or that I'll be so worried about trying to get things right that I'll stop being myself (I don't think that will happen, but by addressing it as a concern the chance is lessened.) *sigh* I guess that's it for now, just a little blurb updating my life. 

OR I could talk about the house in which I would get my own bedroom and bathroom and has a home theatre with a 12 ft. screen and, like, 5000 titles and a kitchen with three ovens and two microwaves and a subzero fridge! And I'd get the use of a car for my very own! *sigh again* But I'm really not concerned about the material things. (I'm actually a little scared about driving in L.A.)I'm just worried we might not fit right. 

Sucky wanting a boyfriend feeling right now, cuz' there's a really cute guy in the library(where I'm working) and he's made eye contact with me a bit. He's actually come back after he left, (and he changed clothes, not that that's important, but it's true!) I don't really want a boyfriend, but I want someone. I wan't to know more about this guy, I want to see if there can be a relationship? God, I'm so stupid. I can't help but think he might be interested in me, and that would be nice. I'm a little tired of teen guys wanting to hook up with me, I'd like to get a relationship with someone older than myself. I wan't a feeling of security and stability. I wan't someone who's been around, and decided that they can settle down with me, and not need to rush into anything. Or maybe even just use me as a companion, and still have their physical appatitie appeased through others. I don't want to be just a hunk of ass to someone. Hmm, I wonder if something could come of this guy. (he has the same kind of nose my 'ex' had.) :P

God, my dad is so annoying right now. I was looking at setting up an account at hotmail and he came over and said he didn't want me setting up any accounts because it would bog down the computer and slow everything down. I hate using this computer at all when he's here because he's always looking over my shoulder when he passes, trying to keep tabs on everything I'm doing, looking at which web pages I visit so he can check them later and make sure he approves of them. I was setting up a deviant art account (Yeah!) when he got home today and he was commenting about how he didn't like the idea of being part of something with the word deviant in it cuz' it's evil or something. Just now he said he didn't like me typing things on this page because it's bogging everything down. Does this stuff even afffect the memory of the computer? Even if it does what's the point of having the computer if you never do stuff with it? It's so frustrating. He might even have read some stuff as he's been passing, would serve him right. I try to stay in my room as much as I can whenever he is home, is that a bad thing? I just can't stand him! Such a control freak. I've taken to leaving my room a mess because it discourages his snooping. If everything is thrown around he doesn't know where to look for stuff. Right now he's suppost be putting the kids to bed but he's standing in the kitchen doorway, it seems as though he's waiting for me to do something else so he can catch me in my evil ways. I guess I just have to keep typing till he goes to bed so he won't see me listing stuff on Amazon, cuz' guess what, That gunks up the computer! Uugh Kind of a funny story about the snooping in my room (to take up more space) I was visiting for Christmas in 02' I think and had brought my journal with me. He ended up reading it (this was before I knew how control freaky he was) and that is essentially how I came out to my parents. Ha ha, told you it was funny, no? Grrrrrrr. In justification of myself I hadn't told anyone yet because I was still trying to accept it myself. Now my mom and I have occasional conversations about it, not really resolving anything but I think it's nice that she doesn't consider it a taboo subject.
He's finally in his bedroom now, but he'll stay up and listen until EVERYONE in the house is in bed. He's complained about my mom staying up to write her stories (she's a published author!) because he says he can't sleep, but when she suggests he close the door he actually said that he wanted to be able to hear what was going on. Blah. It's good to rant sometimes.

I want a boyfriend. *pouts* I guess with everyone gone from school and the whole gay marriage issue I've been thinking about Marc more than I should. I miss having someone to cuddle with, somone I can stare at without feeling self concious. Someone I don't want to leave until I know for sure when I'm going to see them again, someone to watch wake up in the morning, someone who needs me, or makes me feel like they do. *sigh* I miss too much, and don't have enough.

I miss my dance class! I'm already slacking and it's only been a week. I was doing some basic ballet moves with my youngest brother and had even less flexablity than I usually do. (I have stupid knees that give out if I over-extend them) I'm happy about my forget-me-not's though. I planted some on my window sill a couple of months ago and they havn't died! They are growing quite well a little to my surprise. Working two jobs now, both rather boring. Yeah, I guess that's it for now. Okay. Bye.

Stupid scared shitless world! 
My dad hates that I'm gay, but I didn't realize how anti-me he was till I saw a letter from Focus on the Family to him by Dr. James Dobson. It was telling how wrong homosexual marraige is and why it should be stopped at all costs. Dobson used points like 'kids today are being born out of wedlock and raised in foster homes and on the streets so we should ban gay marriage.' and 'if gay marriage is allowed so will poligamy and sex with animals and sex with children etc.'
I haven't really been involved in the whole gay marriage issue, but of course saw nothing wrong with it. I though I could find out some valid concerns of people who opposed it, suprize for me eh? 
My favorite part of the article was when he was talking about the aspirations of anyone outside the church and he said "Those goals include universal acceptance of the gay lifestyle, discrediting of Scriptures that condemn homosexuality, muzzling the clergy and Christian media, granting of special privileges and rights in the law, overturning laws prohibiting pedophilia, indoctrinating children and future generations through puclic education, and securing all the legal benefits of marriage for any two or more people who claim to have homosexual tendencies."
The pedophilia thing made me think "how dare you!", but for the rest I though, well, what's so bad about that? And he never expalined what was.  Oh, and another of his fabulous points, gays want marriage rights so they can get divorces. What kind of sence does that make? None? I though so!
Blah, stupid world.
support gay marriage

The college newspaper came out today with the artical I wrote in responce to someone claiming about how their roomate might be gay. Needless to say my mom is not too happy with me, I havn't told my dad about he article, and don't really want to. Our play "The Foreigner" opened last night, it went really well. It will be good when it's over on Saturday though. My English paper on Wicca gets to be written this weekend, which I am not really looking forward too, mostly due to lack of time. I've been looking at rent in New York, so if the Peace Corp doesn't want me I'll move there this summer. It's scary and exciting at the same time. I could use the change. 

Ugh, life is kinda bad right now. Last night I was the most suicidal I've been since the summer of 2000. I think its pressure from my dad and school and a general ambiguity about what I want to do in life and how I don't really care about what to do but I can't do nothing or I won't have any resourced to pull from to survive. It all just kinda sucks.

I am in the process of applying to the peace corp, it would be really cool. I'm writing now cuz' I'm kind of bored, but really more avoiding doing my ten annotated bibliographies for my english class. I'm about halfway done anyway, so it's not too terrible. Ah well, all for now.

My second cousin's wife came over yesterday to visit my mother, and I ended up talking to her for a while. I had forgotten how much I like her. She is rather ecclectic(sp) and powerful. She has a very strong control of her enviornment and is rather like a modern day witch, without thinking of herself as such. An example of this is the weather reflecting her mood. She used to have big arguments with her husband because he was very controlling and these big storms would come up. Whenever they were fighting her husband would end up having seasures too. Now they understand each other though and get along great.

My play opens tomorrow, it's gonna be pretty bad cuz' of the tecnical stuff. Our scene changes are taking about three minutes, way too long. Delaware hasn't let me know about call backs yet, I wish they would. I really want to go there. It would be so cool. Yeah, I have to go do biology homework now.
Buh bye.

Leaving for Frisco in about an hour for auditions for the University of Delaware's Professional Theatre Training Program, it's a little scary cuz' I've never been on a comercial jet before, or navigated a big city. I'm not so worried about the auditions (which are tomorrow) but about getting to them. I'm sure it will all work out though, I've got good Karma!

Sent of Ugly Like Me manuscript today. Had a confrontation with my mom recently about my 'effect' on my little brothers, cuz she saw a book with a nude guy on the cover. It was an anatamy for artists book, but she was pretty upset, said I was bringing evil spirits into the house. Blah.

I finished writing the Ugly duckling story, and am putting it on my home page. It made my mom cry!

I feel terribly alone just now. I'm not sure what spawned it. I've been writing a version of the Ugly Duckling lately, it's been kind of cathartic. I just finished Boy meets Boy, I can't believe it's ended. I often feel as though I will never find a guy that I will fell comfortable loving. Maybe thats just because all the out gays here are kind of creepy, and the one guy I did think I loved kind of betrayed me and turned on me. I'm tired of the life I'm living, and very scared that my plans to change it are going to fall through. I just mailed my application to the University of Delaware today, but there are so many potential problems with the audition. I need to do it on the 15th of February because that is the only day I won't be rehersing for Cyrano that they are holding auditions, which means I'll need to fly to San Francisco after rehersal on Saturday, audition on Sunday, and fly back late Sunday or early Monday for school/rehersal. So stressful to think about. I don't know what audition format they expect, as I've only ever auditioned with cold readings. I need to get away from here. Blah. (Also my computer is being stupid.) Well, I'm done ranting for now. Ta ta.

Ugh, the parentals are getting buggy. I thought moving back in wouldn't be this bad, but my dad doesn't want me to come onto elftown because it requires a password and he can't see what I'm doing here. I didn't realize he was being such a control freak. I need to get away, hopefully only five more months of this, then Delaware if all works out.