I think I might know a double-person
two people in one...
One of them...I saw most days...one of them is kind, gentle, shy, nice, doesn't want to hurt anyone or anything
The other one...well, the time I spent with her was very much Dickens-esque: The best of times and the worst of times. It was elation, it was a flicker of heaven, it was a close look, a touch, a taste of the fingerprints of God. It was darkness, it was seductive, it was something I both ran from and towards.

I still run from and towards her. It's going to pull me to pieces, though I think I might eventually escape. I might escape my memories and my thoughts of the nice one... but the other...she still haunts my lonely nights, my drive home, my dreams. She says she'll miss me, I hear a siren's song. She says I caused no problems, I see her sexy smile as I travel in forbidden territory. She says my absence doesn't help, I see her nose shrivel and her eyes crinkle up as my tongue touches her nose. She shakes her head "no", and I don't see "no", I see the long flowing hair that begs for fingers to run through it.

I am free, I am unconnected, I am alone...but I am followed. Not by her, not by active pursuit, but by the call of the siren, by the sensations and feelings brought to me that I'd never experienced.

Yes, a month or more later...it's like it was 6:00 that morning, after that night, still. I can call it back, phantom sensations and all. I don't know that I'll ever forget it, or her--either of them. I don't know that I entirely want to. At least part of me wants to hold onto it--all of her. Part of me only wants to hold onto some things. And part of me wants to leave her entirely behind. This is the combat I still fight, days after knowing the eventuality, weeks after knowing the sensuality, months after knowing the situation.

I'm still alive...but only just.

Things Like You- Sanctus Real

Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on
To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long

And I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those thingsthat keep me wrapped so tight

Everyone wants everyone else's eveything
Some time's the more we have the less we really gain
I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy
Get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind

Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on
God I can't be living for things I know are wrong

Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds
God is always taking care of nature's every need
And how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
I said, how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
He sees everything

I guess I'm glad the game's over. I'm glad that you and me are through. I can't help but wonder though, what could have been, between me and you. I doubt you'd have given up your guy, I doubt you'd have left him behind, I doubt I'd have been that guy, the one you talk to with your eyes.

I know we could have never been, and that's what helps me in the end. I know I'd have ended up left behind, left out to dry. I know you'd never have been true. I know you weren't the one for me, no matter how I wished I could have had you.

In the end, though, I'm off the rack. The wheels have stopped turning on this dread device that I ran back to every chance I got. I leaped back, strapped myself in for another magic torture ride. But now, I'm done with it, taken away from emotional masochism by circumstance. I'm away from the hooks and barbs, the net and wiles. The emotional masochism will fade, and what will remain? Just me. Not you, not she...just me.

Slash-and-yank. Wisdom teeth suck. Bloody spittle, cup after cup filled and poured down the sink. A pint by the end. "Conscious sedation" becoming 54321 g'night. Right.
Well...that's wisdom teeth. That's wisdom. I guess I'd rather have had the wisdom than the teeth, though.

Don't Worry About the Government-Talking Heads

"Loved ones, loved ones visit the building,
take the highway, park and come up and see me
I'll be working, working but if you come visit
I'll put down what I'm doing, my friends are important

Don't you worry 'bout me
I wouldn't worry about me
Don't you worry 'bout me
Don't you worry 'bout me"

But to be entirely serious, don't worry about me. I'm as much at fault as you, no matter how much I would have it otherwise. It's an experience to learn from to be sure, and I'm still learning. I'm only two weeks beyond 18, still everything to learn.

I've got some growing up to do...some growing in my own direction. I treasure my friends, my friendships. Perhaps it's just because I'm not like most, I don't make and keep friends easily. Maybe I'm just different. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that it will be a long time before I finally come out on top in this whole relationship jazz...but I will. I still am young, still have so much to learn.

Wishes-Superchick

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But we're not
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true

I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do

I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye.

I Wonder-Chris Isaak

When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

When I was younger I believed, that I could win.
Now I wonder.
There was a time when you and I, walked hand & hand.
Now I wonder.

I keep on searching for the old me, I keep on thinking I can change.
I keep on hoping for a new day, will I ever feel the same?
Now I wonder.
Oh I wonder.
Now I wonder.

Haunted

What I knew, I merely wanted to believe
what's worse is that instead of being able to blame you, it's entirely me that I deceived.
I close my eyes and who do I see but you, then, burned into my memory forever.
It's all new again, each impulse, each feeling. I can't shake you, you haunt my closed eyelids, my nights, my dreams.
I can't focus on what can never be, and I'm trying to push you away. But the pull, the draw, I can't escape. I need your help to break free, but you don't really want to pull me closer, can't bring yourself to push me away like I need. I shouldn't be such a fool, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again: my mind crashes like a bad computer in the presence of beauty, so why can't you help me? I'm a fool for pressing, for letting my mask fall. I'm not someone who can hide behind a mask or underneath armor forever.
But there you are again, haunting my eyes, my dreams, my nights. It's not even that evening that I see again and again, but every day, every afternoon.
If I were stronger, or wiser, I'd have seen that it could never be, that I'm not what you really want. If I were better, I'd be less wistful, less haunted. But here I am, and when I close my eyes, there you are.

I Believe-Chris Isaak

I believe the stars keep shining all throught the night.
I believe if we just keep trying it will be alright.
I believe that someday we're gonna find our way.
And I believe in a beautiful day.

I believe in lovers walking side by side.
I believe that someday we'll be satisfied.
I believe the angels listen God hears us pray.
And I believe in a beautiful day.
Yeah I believe it's gonna work out ok.

But not for me.

I believe, I believe, I believe.
I believe, I believe, I believe.

I believe there's an answer waiting when the day is done.
I believe if you just keep searching you'll find someone.
And I believe in a beautiful day.
I still believe in a beautiful day.

But not for me.
Sometime all our dreams just don't come true.

I believe, I believe, I believe.
I believe, I believe, I believe.
Oh...Oh...Beautiful day

I know not which I see
whether I in Edmund or Edmund in me.
What I do know and this is sure
is the words, actions and motives impure.
I shall not draw on with sordid tales
for my crimes I've left behind; up there, with the nails.
"He must have known what He was doing" says the voice in my head.
Were it not for His sacrifice, it's me who would be dead.
I wonder not, for I know His love is true;
though the spears of guilt at times run me through.
King Edmund the Just, though no justice was shown
not to Adam's flesh, Adam's bone.
Satan, my enemy, attacks again and again
against me, my character, my Love, and my friends.
Pressed to the task, I rise and defend
though his goal, my weariness, is his end.
He hopes he'll catch me, my guard let down
perhaps in his river of lies I may drown.
OR NOT!
I walk onwards, his lies have no sway
from my Lord and my King comes the strength to win the day.
I am a knight in His service
I owe him everything, and all He asks is this?
Me?
A shaky, selfish, weak-willed coward?
"No," He replies, "You are mighty, I am the strong tower."
Perhaps this is so, the armor does fit;
it should, after all, in the womb, I He knit.
So I stand, helm gleaming, shield shining bright
so my plate, so my belt, so my sword: I'm a knight.
The enemy will come, the enemy will pass
and my King's strength is why I shall last.
Forevermore I shall endure
Through battle and war, from shadow to light
for by His blood, He made me newer
Marred and tainted now chasing the dark from the night.

Thank you, God. Thank you for speaking through other people. Maybe it's just another person saying and doing what they will...but I'm just glad You spoke.

Do not focus on what might have been, what cannot be. Instead, live in the moment and see things as they are. I am now armored in an iron resolve, and do what is right. I'm done being a fool.

The Less I Believe- The Proclaimers

The life that I’ve been living
From the day I first drew breath
Has been my way of forgetting
I’m on the journey to my death
You make my soul rise up
You make my eyes to see
When I place my faith in you
And I lose my belief in me

The less I believe in me
The more I believe in thee
The less I believe in me
The more I believe in thee

I don’t believe in beads or crystals
Instant karma or mother earth
I don’t believe that what I think
Makes any difference to what I’m worth
I don’t believe in reincarnation
I’m not coming back as a flower
I don’t bow my head to kings or priests
’cos I believe in your higher power

The less I believe in me
The more I believe in thee
The less I believe in me
The more I believe in thee

Oh you’ve given me a plan
That I don’t understand
’cos I’ve wandered over half the world
But I’ve remained an ignorant man
One thing that I know
Is when the final bell tolls
Human love won’t be enough
Good deeds can’t save my soul

Well I’m not afraid of dying
But I am afraid of you
Because you hear me when I’m lying
And you see the things I do
So the hands go round the clock
As the light goes from the room
And I can’t help thinking to myself
I’m going to find out much to soon

Oh you’ve given me a plan
That I don’t understand
’cos I’ve wandered over half the world
But I’ve remained a ignorant man
One thing that I know
Is when the final bell tolls
Human love won’t be enough
Good deeds can’t save my soul

Yay. Birthday and all that good stuff. 18 and all the inherent fun from that. Yar.

*has other plans, and is thus gone*

I make decisions.
I make sacrifices.
It's hard, to be sure.
But it's smart, and it's right.
Trust me, it hurts; no doubts to that.
But I had to do this.
I know this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart,
things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear
remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
Two mutually exclusive things wanted
Cake cannot be had and eaten.
Unless you cut it in half--but this is not one of those cakes.

Never is my promise. I don't lie.
Let me assure you, the insight wasn't something I wanted.
It was something I needed, which is different.
I can't let it stay the way it is.
Falling to pieces, knowing the way
I can't stand and fight.
I can't stay and pretend it's all right.
My only remaining option is flight.
So fly I shall, into the night.
Chase the dark from it, make it white.

I must make the hard decisions, because you won't.
I know where I have to go, what I have to do.
It means slashing away a piece of my heart
but it is something with which I must part.
New information, new insight
These are the things that let me know right.

I don't claim to be faultless, O contrare.
I just know that I can't be there.
I don't wanna be no Superman.
I can't be your man, nor can I be super.
You stand in the sunshine.
I stand right here in the rain.
I'll be fine; I'll win the day.
This is the hardest battle I've had;
against the force I cannot resist
and against myself, but I cannot desist.

I must press on, though the wounds bleed.
My flesh remains pristine; tis my heart that trickles.
I'm not taking another chance on this.
It's only made it harder.
I'm running, running farther.
But I still can't get away.

I'm hiding, and you'll never find me.
Never find me again.
It hurts to do this, but I have to.
I should have done this a long time ago.
Back when things between us were slow.

I'll just disappear.

It's not my lack of faith in humanity.
It's not my lack of faith in the other sex.
It's just my lack of faith in my ability
(rather, the lack thereof) to make decisions
in this realm that will benefit myself and others.
I ask for guidance; I'm answered "Wait."
I ask for assurance; I'm answered "Not this one."
I ask, I seek. Still I find myself coming back to that which has brought about the lack of faith. 
For years, I've thought it better to take the chance, make the leap, figure things out in the air.
For years, I've hit walls, missed landings. I've thought nothing of it, and kept going. Why then am I now given so much pause?

I'll push it to the back of my mind, carry on. I've got bigger things on my plate; allies to aid, dangers to abate.

Well, today was a very good day swordfighting. Only really hurting in one spot, and considering the hits I took, that's good. We had a couple fun drills...I got to fight off multiple people. I'll figure out a way to win one of these multi-against-me fights. Sometime. Oh well.

The crazy grin mask did exactly what it was supposed to--intimidate. There's something to be said for stepping up to cover an ally who lost their footing, and doing it with the grin of a man who's totally lost his mind. A couple of strong swings and battlecries added in completes the effect. So much fun. 

Only hit I still feel is one where I got clobbered on the back with a shortsword. I had to defend someone unarmed, and against two armed opponents. We lasted WAY longer than we should have, but then, Cale did a good job getting us away from the guys with swords and keeping me fighting one-on-one.

I may have scared some people with the grin...and the requisite personality mask beneath it. The mask beneath it revolved around letting myself be consumed by the battle--someone asked what I wanted, and I said "I want you to die." All meant in good fun, and in the context of "oh, you got hit three times. You're dead(out)." Not dead as in not breathing dead. Not dead as in daisy chow.

All in all, two hours of fighting=two hours of fun.

Warrior's Way

My life and death are my own
All of it seeds I've sown
I've fought through countless battles, some on the field, some in my mind.
I bear the scars on my heart, I bear the scars on my soul, though my body remains pristine.
I grow weary of fighting at times, but my tour of duty doesn't end until I do.
I rely on my own strength, and that of my friends.
They help me, whether or not it suits their ends.
I help them out, without a doubt
I crush their enemies, tail to snout.
I know only battle, fighting, and war.
I know how life works. I know the score.
Once I've ended, then I'll know for sure.
Until then...I'll ride into battle again, fighting off my enemies or the enemies of my friends. May my tour of duty be long and prosperous.

Describes my room, this journal...my life, pretty much.

This is my private place
Everything is neat and clean
The skeletons are hidden in the closet
This is my private place
Come and get me out of here.

People keep talking about the ever-constant march of progress. By whose mark is progress an improvement? Is it regress? No gain?

We've gotten so smart
We know how to blow the whole world apart