omg ok so Aidan is a genius lol... he told me about this thing called Meebo and even though it's a little slow, i got all my contacts back so yay! since the new windowslive still says i have none and i know people tried adding me. but my friend Mat is sending me the download to this other MSN program, which i'm getting right now... just in case... it might be a little faster. if not i still have that other thing. i'm kinda pissed that whole thing happened and i never would have tried upgrading if i knew that was going to but whatever... i'm just glad this works =)
ok so i thought i'd get the newest version of windows live messenger since my old one wasn't showing the emoticons... WELL i did and when i signed in ALL my contacts were gone so now i have to get everyone back. i sent some request but i dunno if they worked but could all my friends please add me back
Vampire_Squirr
i umm... never write much and when i do it never gets finished, but i wrote this poem for someone really special to me and i hope he likes it.
“His Verse”
My body lays motionless but my heart still sways
These thoughts, they come, in my head they play
They lift me up when I’m feeling down
And keep me safe when he’s not around
His words are true, so soft and sweet
Constant and slow like a love song on repeat
Stuck like a broken record, but subtle and discrete
I listen intently so I never miss a beat
so here i am at school. bored as usual and thinking again... really not a good thing. mostly i just want to say sorry, again, to some people and i really don't have to say names because you should know who you are. these last couple of months have been extra hard with school and what not and i've been so caught up in the impossible that i completely rejected the input, about a certain topic, from basically every friend who tried to stear me straight. i know you just want what's best for me and i messed up. you're prolly sick of hearing about it, but i just have to say i think i'm finally giving up. it's getting too hard to care now. when it comes to talking to like 8 friend in one day and you still feel alone, you feel sick all the time, and you hardly get any sleep at night... it's too much stress ontop of what i already have to deal with. it's hard to give up the one you love, but i have no choice. i can't live like this anymore... i still want to be friends with Him, and hope it works, but i have to accept my fate and stop living in denial, because, without trying to sound emo.. it is really killing me. my whole spirit, my thought of life, and the stress and worry is unbearable. i know i will love again and be loved and i shouldn't rush it. and as for this whole situation... things happen for a reason, right? and i guess if it's really meant to be, it'll happen, but i won't hold my breathe, cuz then i'm pretty sure i will die lol (shit did i just laugh... *serious face* ok there we go)
so anyway i guess i will leave it at that and if anyone has anything they'd like to say to me, feel free to send me a message, but try not to make me feel worse, the last thing i need right now is a lecture.
gir i'm sick of stupid drama. i'm sick of people hurting my friends. i know some really kool people and i don't know why it's so difficult for others to see that. i know the kind of sweet people that would do anything for love and then some moron has to rip their heart out for what? nothing. i got one friend who like loves this girl but she won't go out with him because of distance or something. i got another friend who is in love with his now ex gf but she is so... err... i love her to death but seriously. he may not be the best guy, but he's sure as hell not the worst, but all she can think about is some other guy. then i have this other friend... he's a sweet guy, but he said that for some reason girls just don't like him where he lives and i'm just like "whaa..." are you fraekin serious!? you people are so... err... you bitch and moan about how you want something real and then when it's right in front of your face, you just throw it away. at this point i don't really care if the same shit's happening to me... just give my friends a break, because they all deserve someone good to love and even more important... someone good to love them back. and if you do care about someone then for the love of god... try because seriously. you never know what's going to happen. i mean take risks, that's what life's about. and for those of you that like to lead people on... shove it up your ass cuz i'm sick of people like that. don't give someone false hopes and pretend to like them but then take it all back. because you may not mean it, but they do and they don't need that kind of shit. i dunno i'm just not in a good mood right now because it seems like everyone now a days is dealing with some kind of heart break because of someone else. i know that just because someone likes you it doesn't mean you have to be with them, but maybe if you tried, you would and if not then... well... at least you tried, but please please don't lead them on. it's wrong. anyway i'm gonna stop typing now before i get carpal tunnel syndrome but i'll leave you with this... it's been stuck in my head all morning.
Taking Back Sunday- "Your Own Disaster"
Just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around,
to clutter up your shelves
and I wish you weren't worth the wait
cause there are some things
that I'd like to say to you
And I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
cause I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
And I dare you to forget
the marks you left across my neck
from those nights when we were both found at our best
now I could make this obvious and you,
you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off your shoulders
And I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
cause I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
And I don't think that you know
said I don't think that you know
said I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
hey lush, have fun
hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
hey lush, have fun
(oh I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
(no I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
(oh I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
(no I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me, it's that simple]
(oh I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me, it's that simple]
it's the weekend
(no I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
[forget me it's that simple]
(oh I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me it's that simple]
it's the weekend
[forget me it's that simple]
(no I don't think that you know what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me it's that simple]
[just forget me it's that simple]
[just forget me it's that simple]
[just forget me it's that simple]
[just forget me it's that simple]
(oh i don't think that you know what you've been missing)
[just forget me it's that simple]
[just forget me it's that simple]
(no i don't think that you know what you've been missing)
[just forget me it's that simple]
[just forget me it's that simple]
just forget me, it's that simple
there's only one person i want to read this and you know who you are, but if anyone else want to then that's kool. i'll try to make this the last entry i post for a while unless i just have to. i know that i've put a lot of songs as my moods and i've posted lyrics on here but at least read this one if you haven't read any of them. it's good and it makes me think about so please... and the way i interpret this song, it's a sweet one, it's not about sex, but apparently some people think that for some reason, but whatever. just read it and like i said, this will probably be the last entry for a while so i gotta make it count, right?
"Suspension" by Mae
Lately I'm alright
And lately I'm not scared
I've figured out
That what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air
I don't need to know right now
All I know is I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave
Say anything, but say what you mean
'cause I'm caught in suspension
Now,
I'm wanting this for sure
And I'll beg for nothing more
I'll plan all day and drive all night
You'll love what's in store
I can't seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)
Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
'cause I'm caught in suspension
It's enough for me to get excited
It's enough for me to feel...woooooa
Say anything, but say what you mean
When you whisper you want this(when you whisper you want this)
Your eyes tell the same
Say Anything(suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, please say what you mean)
I'm caught in suspension (suspension)
I'm caught in suspension
Picking up speed (suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I'm caught in suspension
I'm caught in suspension
Say anything (suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I'm caught in suspension
another thing i'm going to try and do is to leave you alone about this. i think i've said enough and you know how i feel so whatever happens, happens, and i know it'll be for the best.
(what i have written next is a pure rant of my feelings. i'm not looking for pity or trying to sound emo... so you don't have to read this if you don't want to)
i don't know what to say... that i'm sad or what. i just don't get how another girl could mean so much you have to leave someone twice in the same week for her. i thought you loved me, but i guess not. i don't know why some people have to be the way they are. he said he wanted to marry me, for real this time, then three days later he leaves me for her. what about our happy life together? i was going to give everything to you... i don't know. i can't change your mind or anything. i can't be a better person to make you love me. i am who i am. but i did try not to get mad so much. i was commited and i really did love him like i said, but i'm glad he chose not to pity me. i still don't know why that would be, if he loved me at all then staying with me would be more then just a pity party. *sigh* i tried, i really did. i've fucked up a lot with relationships, but i tried this time, so if this was all my fault then either i'm hopeless or i just need to try harder... i feel like i could have been better from the start but maybe this would still be inevitable. now i don't know what's going to happen... will we talk? and how much... what am i going to say if he calls? act like i'm not hurt... god i know i would be lying which is what i didn't want him to do. maybe it will be for the best.
there are two songs i was going to post lyrics for (here comes the emo part *fake laugh*) but then my diary would be too long so i'll just say what they are and whoever reads this wants to know, they can look it up.
"Now That We're Done" by Metro Station <---the best
"Take Me Away" by Plain White T's
this is horrible... i feel so horrible... nothing i do matters to him and i'm trying so hard to keep him with me. i love him so much, but it doesn't make a difference. i try to talk to him... i tell him how i feel. i've cried too many times over him and none of it makes a difference and i'm falling apart. i feel like i can't talk to him because it just hurts me more. i never get through to him and i feel like he's just going to find another girl better than me. i'm falling apart, just literally my spirit is breaking. why can't he see how much he really matters? and why doesn't he feel the same? i know that i have to work for love, but i should have to put myself through pain everyday just to have it when he doesn't act like i make a difference in his world. all i wanted was him to show me how much he loves me. to show me how special i am so i don't feel like i do. i don't think i'm asking too much, but then why is it so difficult? i know i'm not just over-reaacting and i will not take the blame for another thing i didn't do. i just need to feel better... i need him to make me feel better...
Poison- Life Goes On
I felt this before
Now I feel it again
No matter how hard I try
This feeling won't end
So I, pretend you're here by my side
Tonight on this lonely ride
I keep telling myself that
Chorus:
Life goes on while you're miles away
And I need you
Time rolls on as night steals the day
There's nothing I can do
You healed up my wounds
I tasted your tears
You spilled out your heart
So I let out my fears
But one fear I kept to myself
How I prayed that you'd love no one else
Like you're saying you love me
Chorus
If you only knew how much I miss you
Solo
When my mind plays these tricks on me
It shows me things I don't want to see
That's why I tell myself now
I keep tellin' myself now
Just take another piece of me
Life goes on while you're miles away
And I need you
Time rolls on as night steals the day
There's nothing I can do
Love goes on, you're still miles away
And I miss you
And this last mile, I travel with you
Hey everybody just wanted to say that you should all join my friend Aidan's new site Vampiretavern.
he and i would appreciate it soooooooooooo much so please join =)
PLEASE!
i love Langdon sooooooo much and i don't care who knows it! ^.^ *tackles him*
(by the way... this diary entry was posted like two days ago so take that, hunnie :P)
Dashboard Confessional- Hands Down
Breathe in for luck.
Breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts, they race, from self-control.
Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine.
We're doing fine.
We're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.
The words are hushed, "let's not get busted."
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"Hey did you get some?"
Man that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they can't hear.
So we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.
Always remember the sound of the stereo.
The dim of the soft lights.
The scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.
And the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!"
And this walk that we share together.
The streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at the door, with your hands on my waist.
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew...that you meant it.
even though this was like over a week ago... Langdon still tagged me...
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!
--------------
1) it's no surprise that i hate where i live, but i'm thinking about moving to florida one day.
2) i hate when people eat like they're starving.
3) i hate that little kid in the Mazda commercials that says "zoom zoom"
4) i'm not much for sequels though there are some good ones.
5) i love all the cats in our house but i tend to favor my cat, Oreo, over our other ones.
6) i laughed at the Titanic when Leonardo de Caprio died.
7) i have a lot of kid-like qualities in me including my love for dinosaur-shape
8) my favorite number is 8.
9) i want to get married someday.
10) i've neglected my friends lately for things i feel aren't as important, but i want to make it up to them.
11) oh yeah i hate Splenda... the no sugar sweetener... i mean seriously it says right in the commercials that it looks like sugar, tastes like sugar, and is even made from sugar but it's not sugar. like ok... if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and was even made from ducks, i guess it must be a hippopotamus.
12) i don't like sports.
13) i like to knit, but i only use my powers for good... like knitting GIR and penguins and the project i'm doing right now which i can't say what it is because Ryan might actually read this.
14) i think i fall in love way to easily, but that doesn't mean i don't mean it.
15) i want these double-standar
16) i have a boyfriend right now, but i think i'm falling mad for someone else.
AND I TAG!
1) [Xorital]
2) [Infested_Zling]
3) [paradox twin]
4) [Belthazor]
5) [Aidan Aven]
6) [i need a beer]
7) [--------------- --------]
8) [zim_1]
9) [kryl]
10) [Ookami Ouji]
11) [CrCaPiSq]
12) [Apache Longbow]
13) [Black Winged Kuro]
14) [//Desperately/Seeking/You//!!]
15) [Scream, Aim, Fire!!]
16 [Deus Ex Taco]