01/21/07

Love holds us hostage
Confusing our beliefs
Changing and rearranging
Everything that we see.
We change ourselves
And turn our world around
Hoping we can bring ourselves
Up from on the ground.

It's twice as hard
When the changes have to be proved.
You try your hardest
But don'tknow what to do.
You make your list,
Guidelines for which to follow.
You follow them to the "T"
To try and end your sorrow.

The one you love,
You can touch and feel
And you yearn so bad for her
To say that it's for real.
For real that you're together
Untill the very end
And that you can both be
More than just friends..

You want to get married
You wanna have kids.
And to her you say this,
Again and Again
In hopes she'll see you're true
With the best intentions
Because you've improved and removed
All your false pretenses.

You love her with all your heart
And only want her back.
And you made your mistakes
And she can't forgive you for that.
You have really changed,
But she still wants proof
So that she may trust
And have faith in you.

So you say you'll do it,
No matter how long it takes.
Even if you don't giveforgiveness
For your mistakes.
You just want her love
And her hand to wed,
And for you two
To be more than just friends.

A Poem For Danielle!

The night we met
Was kind of strange
It was the night that
We attached our chains.
We then formed
our eternal bond.
I was happy
Cause our love would be strong.

I remember during easter
You always wanted a pink bunny.
Noone would get it for you,
So you got it from me.
It was about that time,
I realized I wanted you forever.
That it would be for eternity
That we would stay together.

I remember the day of prom.
I was embarrassed,
I couldnt dance.
And I was being careless.
Then we booked a room
At the local hotel.
Instead of having sex,
We cuddled and told tales.

I remember when
You used to talk me to sleep.
I would wake up by you,
And know our love was deep.
Now I wake up every morning,
And I cry.
Because I realize that
You're not by my side.

Then of course there was the time
We loved in the Fairy Hut.
We learned that
Our love had lust.
Then in the apartment,
We both gave it all up.
Because I wanted to marry you
And your love made me nuts.

I remember the times
I took you to shop.
We went to Columbus.
I bought you books and what not.
Although you got angry
and got sick too.
Because I looked for records
Instead of taking care of you.

I remember when
We went to the Zoo.
Then we went to Newport
And I fed you.
Those were fun times.
The best in my life.
The times I spent
With my future wife.

But there was one time
I will remember most.
It was when to you
That I proposed.
I wanted you to marry me,
Then have my kids.
But I was irresponsible
and ruined it.

I just want you back.
I want you in my arms.
I want to be able to say again,
That my fiance is my star.
I miss you babe
And want to change.
So, I can treat you better
Cause I dont want to be the same.

I acted foolish,
And I acted Dumb.
All I want now
Is your love.
I was a selfish brat
That only helped myself.
And without you,
I'll always live in hell!

YAY, my baby is moving out here with me. i am so friggin happy. I am literally bouncing off the walls with excitement. i want to see hermore then anything right now. We're gonn ahave our own place and everything. Im gonna get to wake up beside her again and fall asleep with her aain. Ugh, Im so anxious, i just wish it was happening now, lol!

I am seriously stuck in a bind. My brother called me tonight sayin gthat he needed my help because he isnt gonna be able to affor dhis house on his own. Iguess the person that was going in on it with him, backed out at the last minute and stuck him with the payments. He wants me to move inwith him and help him with the bills. But on the other hand, I have the girl I love moving out here in Mach. What I'm stuck on is. I dun care what my brother thinks of me, as long as I get to be with her. I am ready to turn my back on my brother for her. But I dun know if she really wants to be with me. I kinda get the vibe that she does, but she never tells me that she loves me and she says she is unsure of if she wnts to get back together with me or not. I hate it. I just wish that she would say. I want you back so we can be happy together. then it would be simple. I wouldnt care if my brother hated me forever for it. What he doesnt realize is that I did actually find someone special. This girl pulled me out of being nothing, into being something. I went from just some druggie loser with a crappy job, to a clean guy learning how to get moral values and actually setting goals. Without her I am lost.

I do need to come clean for Danielle's sake. Thee were thing sthat I did wrong, so don't think she's a witch or anything. For instance, the first week we were dating, I kissed a girl. I went behind her back once and got high. I was irresponsible and wouldnt call her to let her know what was going on when I went places(somethign you should do if you don't). Lied to her about stupid things. Not listening to her enough. When she tried to help me, I wouldnt let her because I had a hard head. What can I say, I'm a bad person. I'm sorry to her on a gigantic level that God can;t even understand. I realize now, seeign things form a new perspective, that the small things do matter and that I need to stop being selfish and need to be more selfless.

SEX
I have been with a lot of girls, but Danielle was the first girl I ever had sex with. I just thought I would clear that up right here and now!

Dear Heavenly Father,
  I write to you because I want to wish two things. Both things involve my heart, I and two people that I love. My first wish lord is that My father gets to see me graduate, become successful, and start a family. My second wish is that I get married and start a family with Danielle. I love her more then anything and can't picture my future without her.

Christmas gifts....

I know the two things that are my wishes for christmas. What are yours? What do you want ore then anything for christmas, and you don't jus thave to want it on christmas!

If you wanna know mine, check back here 2morow night at midnight!

Woohoo. I am so happy today. Danielle and I started over today as friends. Now we get to be good friends with each other and be thee for each other. THat's something we didn't do in the begginning that we should have. Anyway. I'm happy cause now she can e happy cause she has someone to tlak to. I still love her, but it is so much better this way. She's happy and I'm so happy that she is. WOOT...
  Anyway. Im gonna sign up to get m appraisals license. That way I can appraise houses and stuff. They start out at like 50,000 a year and after three years work up to 150,000 a year, so I am excited. Im still gonna go to college because I love to learn. I hate not learning. I think every person shoul dbe able to learn at least one new ting a day.
Anyway, thanks for reading, gdnight.

If you are wondering why my last blog is missing, I deleted it. I said some harsh things about someone that is important to me that I should have never said. I am so sorry to her for that. I got angry for a stupid reasont hat I shouldnt have. I really am happy that she is happy. I want her to do everything she wants to d o that will make her happy. And I know I'e made mistakes, but i am changing. Ive learned that love isn't about seeing someone, or being there with them. It's about being happy for them in everything they do, supporting their decisions, being there when they need you most, and putting all of their inequalities aside.

Alrighty kids, if you've been keeping tabs on my blogs, you know I've been depressed the past few days, but I'm out of it now. I stood up and conquered, lol. Anyway. I am so happy that my ex-girl is happy now. She is moving on, and I am happy for her. I don't have to hear about her crying anymor eand that makes me feel a lot better. And I finally set a plan for my life.
  I am going to go to the university here in town to get my associates right now. I wanna move to Florida really bad so I can be on the ocean, cause I miss the ocean. California is nice, but it's so crazy there if you live there. Anyway. I'm not for sure right now,but I might get my bachelor's degree and my Master's degree in Florida, but i might stay her and get my bachelor's, or get my bachelor's in ohio, depending on how things go. So for those that are friends of mine, don't get your hopes up.
  I do wanna get married soon. I dunno with who right now. But I woud like to meet someone who also wants a serious relationship. I was tired of the dating and one niter thing back when i met danielle, let alone now. lol. But, anyway. All of my friends that are dissappointed cause I might not be coming back, I can guaranteee you that when I do end up having a wedding, I will fly you guys out here, or to Florida or wherever for it. It will be a big thing for me and I want everyone close to me to see it.
  To any girls that I have talked to or are gonna talk to, don't get freaked out, Im not expecting to find a wife right off the bat, lol. I am not in a hurry right now. I mostly wanna get my life going and stay single for a little while longer, just kinda look around and see if there are any prospects that can match up to something else.
  Anyway. That's it for my blog right now, but I might write again later. Thanks for reading.

Closure makes me happy. See kids, if everything gets laid out, everything is fine. Love you all and have a geat evening!

Dear Diary,
  Trying to move on with my life right now. Trying to forget the relationship I had with Danielle. I wish I could just move on and get over it. she already has. Why can't I? Of course I wish so much more that she would just take me back. I would literally do anything in my power oto get her back right now. I would slaughter a walrus, turn atheist, leave my family, get a ticket to ohio for the next availablke flight, or anything.     
  I just wish that there was soemthing I could do. I don't even know if she wants me back. I don't even know if she thinks that there would ever be a chance again for the two of us. If she would take me back or if there was a chance, I wish she would just tell me. I am so afraid that she is just pretending to be happy and just hurting inside because I hate to see her hurt. But if she is truly happy, then I am happy for her.
  Danielle, I want you back, and want to know what I need to do to get you back. And i there isn't a chance in hell that I will get you back, at least tell me. I don't wanna lead myself on false hope anymore.

  Now onto another subject. I am not moving to Ohio as soon as I said earlier. I am going to do half my schooling (two years) here and do the other half at Ohio State. Then I wanna move to Florida and go to Full Sail. Maybe get a place on the beach. Danielle always said I would love it, so why not? I love the ocean more then I love any other type of geographic feature.
  I can't wait. I finally figured out where I want to go. Of course, I'd love to take someone with me, but I dun know if she would want to go. If not, I'll do it alone. I'm not scared anymore.

Dear Diary,
  The feelings she had when she met me; Constant butterflies, always
anxious to see me, and she fell in love at first site, supposedly. The
feelings she has for this new guy; Constant butterflies, always anxious
to "chat with him online," and fell in love at first site....I mean chat.
I am sorry about this diary being an angry one. I am sorry to her for any
insult she feels from it, but I have to let my feelings out somehow.
  She still has the nerve to talk to me about him. Like I care you know.
I try to be pretend supportive, because I love her and hate to see, hear,
or know about her crying. I say pretend supportive by the way because I
don't really want it to work out. Not because I hate her, but because
I think it'll give me at least a little bit of a shot at getting her back.
I know I'm selfish for this.
  She says that she is afraid that she messed things up with him. Why? He
doesn't love her. He doesn't even know her. and she doesn't know him. For
All she knows, he could be one of those band guys that lures in groupies
for a good time.
  She makes me wish I never fell in love. I wish I could just put her
behin dme and forget it ever happened, but she is too important to me for
me to do that. Maybe I'll get her back. I wish I would, but chances are
that God just lied to me like he does to everyone else. She doesn't care
about my fate, why should he? Love you guys for taking the time to read
this on ET and Myspace.

Dear Diary,
  I realized something last night as I couldn't fall asleep. You know what? I don't think she loved me anyway. The fact that she has moved on already and fallen in love with someone else proves that. The whole time we were together, all it was that she said was words with no meaning behind them.
  But why does it hurt so bad? Maybe it hurts so bad because I finally realized that I was the only on ein the relationship that was in love and willing to do anything to be with my partner. Maybe it hurts because I have realized that I will never see her again.
  Why did I ask for the ring back? I asked for the ring back because I don't feel right having a person who doesn't love me in posession of it. It belongs to the person that wants to spend the rest of their life with me. She's not that person. What am I going to do with the ring? I am going to throw it away. It's nothing but a poison fruit to me, so I am gonna treat it as so.
  Why don't I want her to say "I love you" to me anymore? Why don't I want her to call me any pet names? She deosn't love me, and never did, so why should she say it at all. And her calling me by any pet names that she used to, hun and etc., just reminds me of what it used to be.
  Do I still love her? Yes I do, with all of my heart. I will never be able to stop loving her. She is my life and my world.
  Would I ever take her back? In a heartbeat. I want nothing more then to be with her. I want her in my arms, in my eyes, and back in my soul.

Dear Diary,
   My life is lost and I don't know where to go. I start college next month. Iplan on pursuing and fulfilling an education so I can do more with my life then be a worker bee. At least, that's my new goal. My old goal was for me to get my life started and get setlled while in college, so that I could take care of the love of my life. But she doesn't wanna be with me anymore, so I guess that my goal has to change. I have made the decision now, that thee is no point in me being where I am at. I moved here so I could make abetter life for the two of us with support from my family, but If I am going to be on my own, I can do it anywhere. I am gonna transfer back to Ohio next semester. That way I have a little money saved up to get myself started. At least in Ohio, I have the support of my friends. At first, I didn't care, because she was mor eimportant then my friends and if I had her, I don't need them, but still stay in contact with them.

Anyways, on with another sad part of my pitiful existance. We were engaged to be married. I was so excited. I wanted to plan a wedding soon, so that we could be together forever. I loved her a lot and I wanted her to be my wife. She is my life, so now I guess I'm dead. Anyway, continuing on.... Now she's dating some other guy. It really hurts me, cause now I know for sure that it's over. I know that she is over me and ready to geton with her life. What I don't understand is, I can't even look at another woman and be interesed. Does this mean she really never loved me in the first place? Does she hate me that much? What doe sit mean? I don't know, but it hurts.

  I can't stand being away from her, I had to call her everyday to keep myself from going insane. I can't stand going a whole day without hearing the sound of her voice. I have had her pictures set as my screensaver because I couldn't stand not seeing her when I woke up everyday. I even turned my bed so I would face the computer. Am I sad fo r this, probably. I don't care. I just wish she would remember how well we were together. Sure we had our bad times, but who doesn't? I just wish I could hold her, kiss her, squeeze her, pick her up, play with her, tease her, or just see her, just one more time. I love her with everything I have. I will give my life for her love, but she can only give me sadness in return.