I'm told I'm beautiful. So why do I feel so ugly? I'm told I matter. So why do I feel so ignored? I'm told I'm amazing. So why do I feel so poorly made?
I try to hide the little girl. The one that's lost and forgotten. But she's everywhere and everything. She's in the face of every being. The lie is old, decayed, and rotten.
I'm told I'm all these things. So why do I feel like I'm nothing? I hide what I don't want to be seen. I hold my thoughts so I don't seem mean. I pretend that everything is okay. I don't mention what goes on in my head when my mind goes astray. I'm wrong in every way.
Look at me. What do you see? I see a shattered mirror, and a broken soul. I see an ugly girl with an unspeakable past. I see a dieing girl with a life span that was over too fast. I see a confused girl that can't seem to make up her mind. A scared girl who's set in rewind.
Somewhere along the way, I've seem to have lost myself. Maybe I was never here to be lost. I'm torn it two. My reasonable mind tells me to stay, but my fickle heart says to go.
My dreams are getting worse; my mind is dead. Repeating my life; the things done, and the things said. What if I believe him? Would he come back to life? Save this family. Heal our broken hearts.
Sing to me, make me feel alright. Light a candle, let me see the light. Hold me tight, when I have reached defeat. Kiss me tenderly, make my heart beat. Take back the knife, bring me back to life. Will you forfeit? Am I worth it?

All my life I spent missing the things that I never had and the things I'll never will get again, that I forgot to look at the things right beside me all along. I didn't look and now it's gone. 
I spent my life missing my dad. A dad I never met, and never will. I spent my life missing brothers and sisters that weren't there. Some met, others don't know I exist.
I spent years missing Nick. A dad I had but lost long ago. I missed the people who no longer stand beside me.
I forgot to look in front of me. I saw but did not want to see. I was blinded by my selfishness, and self-pity that I didn't want to accept the person who stood with me.
No matter how awful I treated him, he was right there. And when I started to see him for who he was I started to love him. And now he's gone too. I did what I did with Nick. I was to scared to see him in the hospital. I was to stubborn and in denial to accept the truth.
I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to beg for forgivness. I wanted him to know what he meant to me. But I choked. I couldn't.
I spent my whole life missing things, being selfish, and wallowing in my own self-pity that I ignored the person who was here for us all along. And when the fog cleared and I saw him and loved him he's gone. I'm so sorry Tom for everything I put you through. You loved us and protected us through everything. And now you will be missed more than anyone else.
"Cherish what you have now, because it might not be there tomarrow" I was always told, but never listened to. Now I must pay.

If I reach my hand up, would anybody reach for me too?? If I cried, would anyone care to comfort me?? If I went and hid, would anyone come find me?? I ponder these things as I sit here alone.
"Dance little girl, Dance" I heard one day. So I danced. I danced till my legs could stand no more, and my feet were bloodied and sore.
"Sing little girl, Sing" I heard one day. So I sang. I sang till my voice couldn't sing another note, and my throat couldn't even croak.
"Laugh little girl, laugh" I heard one day. So I laughed. I laughed until my sides hurt and my lungs gave out. I laughed till there was nothing to laugh about.
I have nothing. Not a goddamn thing. I'm a puppet on a goddamn string. I have no desire, I have no urge. I have nothing to give. I'm sorry is all I can say. But it doesn't matter anyways.
"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a Bang but a whimper"
These words can't be more true.
And as this darkness consumes me, I reach my hand toward the sky; in hopes that someone will reach for me too.

I wish I were dead inside, so I can't feel what you've done to me. It crushes me so much that it's hard for me to breath. Those 2 years have been a waste. I gave you everything, I gave you my love, I gave you my heart in a silver box, just for you to shove it straight back in my face.

Now you haunt my dreams, but I never told you the dreams I had when we were together, the same dreams today. You don't care, you never did. You played me like you played many other before and after me. But I, yes me, Breanna Zakes, was the BIGGEST fool of them all. I cried for you, I died for you, yet I still loved you then. Little did I know that the 2 years were a fake. It was all a hoax, a sham, a lie. I trusted you, and thought you were some one spaecial: someone who could be someone, I sappose I'm not a fotune teller.

I still cry foolishly over you, I'm still crushed by your words, and the things you did. I will not let it happen again. You wrote me, and said you knew me, but I'm sorry Mon Chere you didn't know me at all. I tried to show you, but you didn't care. I gave up. But to accuse me of being worse, but to accuse me of things that you are to blame, but to falsely accuse me of things that weren't true, to say I didn't try.....well, that's not fair.

I gave you everything, and you tore it in my face, and set fire to it as well. You greedily took everything from me. All your mistakes, all your blames you put on me, but that's not true. You know I never did anything as bad as what you say. Yet I took it all, I accepted it all. Why? Why? everyone asked. Still till this day people always ask me...why? My answer? my response? I simply tell them, Because I loved you, but I guess it was not returned.

You do not know me, to say you did would be a lie. Yes, it's true you know things about me; about my past, but you never tried to really know me, you never cared, you put no effort into it. So why should I show you what you didn't care to know.

I still cry, I still hurt, and I fear I always will. You created a wound in me that will never close; that will never heal.

You know the saying, "It's better to love and lost, than to never had loved at all"? It's wrong. I was a fool, who foolishly played in your games. If we were to never met, never to date, never knew eachother, I wouldn't feel the pain. I wish I were dead inside, so it wouldn't hurt so bad.

BUT, If we never met, never dated, never knew eachother, I wouldn't have met the best friends in the world. I would still be a stupid, foolish, nieve little girl that I once was.

I wish the car would've wiped my memory of you, maybe I could dream without you in it. You can't miss what you can't remember.

What's between me and my sister does not concern you. Stay out of my business, even if she brought you in.

Did you know people still come to me, bout you....huh?....Did you know that? You know what I say? Do you? I tell them, it's not my concern, you chose your path, now you must walk it. If you're goin down with invisable flames, than so be it. I don't want to know. It pains me to know what you turned in to. Knowing you could have been better than that. That my dear, is what I tell them. I don't want to know. You should do the same. Because what you've heard bout me are from the wrong people, you have heard falsely, or you don't know all the details, so don't get into someones personal life with out knowing the whole story.

I loved you once, but you never loved me. For you don't have a heart to love with Mon chere. You sadly don't know what that word means. Argue all you want, but I saw your true side, but you Mon Amour, didn't care to see me. Why should I show you what you didn't care to see. I'm crushed, and you'll never see the truth. You'll never see these words, you'll never feel the pain you caused, the scars you left behind. You never cared, and you won't even now. I wish I could be more like you, so that way I wouldn't have had a heart to love you with, I wouldn't have had a heart for you to burn at my feet, I wouldn't have been able to feel at all.....JUST.....LIKE....YOU!!!!!!!!

you don't know me, you didn't care. you nevr tried, and frankly you don't care bout these words, there's still something there, but there was never anything there for you. If I could stop crying over you I would, If I could kick you out of my dreams I would, because you'll never guess what you are in them. You'll never think you were that.....BUT YOU ARE!!!!! I'm drained. I'm emotionally drained. If I could erase you from my memory I would, but then I wouldn't be who I am today; I wouldn't be where I am now. You sir, can't say I've got worse because your sources are wrong. Ask the people who actually know. Not people who don't know me. A sister's only a sister if she acts like one, but she doesn't know me, she doesn't have a clue. She is not my sister, the one I worried about, she's someone I don't know and she don't know me. You don't know me, and YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT i'M LIKE TODAY! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BECOME! And like you said, you.......don't......care!

Now let me tell you something that you told me once. These words haunted me. These words cursed me. But these words weren't true when you said them to me. I know now those words weren't meant for me. What words do I speak of? I believe they went like this: "Wake up, cause one day I will walk away and say, 'You fucking disappoint me, Maybe you're better off that way'." Now let me asure you, these words weren't meant for me. but they are for you. These are my last words for you. but YOU DON'T CARE! you never have nor would ever care. So I don't know why I'm saying this. just for it to be heard I guess. to say it out loud Maybe. you'll never read these words, and if you do, you wouldn't care.

So my last words are: "I'm disappointed in you. Maybe it truely is better off this way." but with these words lingering in the air, this forgotten voice that you'll never hear, nor care to hear, I walk away with my head held high. Knowing I tried my best, it wasn't me who destroyed us, I tried, I cared, I loved, and I cried. And.....I have a heart to feel. unlike you. You never proved me wrong. And please if you have nothing nice to say, it's better if you don't say anything at all.

Now watch me walk away.

Blank page turn again...I got no soul, I got no heart, I'm not my own best friend. I feel empty and dead....I just want to crawl in a ball in my lonely old bed and forget everything that was ever said. I didn't know what else to do so I just gave up. I cry so hard that I throw up. I ruin everything. Im a ragdoll on a string. I have no interest I have no desire. My mouth couldn't be anymore drier.

People Read these words and don't read what they mean. They don't see the true meaning that was meant to be seen. I go to sleep and pray to god that I never have to wake. I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe I'll dissapear for while and see who cares enough to go and find me. But I guess That wish was to ridiculous to be. So I sit here till I no longer breath.

        OPERATED IN MY HEAD

 They operated in my head, and this is what they found:
A living corpse and a over-rated clown. I thought I was special; I thought I mas enough, but all I turned out to be was a balland chain with a pair of furry cuffs. How'd it get like this? How'd it get this low? I didn't want it to be this way. I wanted u to stay, but I lost you anyways.
All these images are clouding my head. And the everything he ever said. I can't think, I can't stay happy, I can't smile or laugh. I'm sorry I asked 4 this so he can be happy, but look at me I'm a living corpse. There's this storm ahead of me and I walked right in it. Thousand souls screaming inside. Thunder hitting a tree. God this is crap... I can't rhyme I can't think. I'm sry this is so shitty.

           DISASTER IN BRE-BRE WORLD
My mind is playing unkind tricks on me,and my heart aches with agony as it strongly urges to disagree. It throbs with anguish; it desprately longs for you. For your voice, for your touch, for the sensation of your skin against mine, your kiss, your smell, your gaze, your heart-stopping smile, your laugh. You say you kinda know what it's like, but honestly you really only know maybe about half.
I guess for the next 11 months I live in fantasy. Honestly, I'm starting to doubt my own sanity. My thoughts dance around like pesky flies. I'm not even sure if keeping them to myself is very wise. I want to tell you; to let you know, but I'm scared you'd think me crazy, and everytime I try my mouth gats lazy, my throat gets dried, and my voice gets caught.
I know it's pathetic, but thinking about all this makes me cry at night. Yeah I know, emo kid, right? I want to tell you, but I don't know how to bring it up, or even how to say it. Like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit. You wonder why I can't sleep, it's because at night these things, these thoughts, these horrors, these torment, this beauty start to creep. I'm not to sure about alot of things, but one thing I'm certin of is that I love you, and I always will. Till death do we part. Even when my heart stops beating, and my life is finally through. I'll still love you.

           MAN ON FIRE
He lives in my worst nightmare. He lives in my past and in the people who were never there. He was once a forgotten memory, but now something I'm forced to face alone. I wish he was nothing, or at least something outgrown.
Man on fire burned all my dreams. Man on fire burned all my last goddamn screams. He burns and he scars. I never really got very far.
Man on fire burned everything there is to see, and now ashes are all that's left of me. Pain is his only desire, and there's no end to this life long fire.
Everywhere I look, no matter which way I turn, everything I see he has burned. He burned all the vibrant flowers. He made seconds feel like hours. Everything went up in flames. It all looks the same. All the trees and buildings are black. There's no return; no way back. I only hears tears, screams, and one other sound.......little girls singing "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down."

SELF-DISTRUCTION
I look in my mirrors reflection, and I see nothing; not even my own rejection. I made my decision and I don't take it back, but it feels like I crashed and burned in a deadly car crash.
You finally let go and watched me fall, but your name is everywhere. It's thoughts in my head. It's in the sheets on my bed. It's in the foods that I eat. It's in the places that I go. It's in the people I know. It's in the air I breath. It's in the words I speak. It blows through my hair. It strips me bare. From the floor to the wall. Your name's in it all.
I use to look at you and think "My salvation, My savior", now I look at you and think "My lie, My failure". You use to make me feel special, like I was something, now I guess to you I'm nothing. I tell you I love you and you don't hear me. You tell me you love me and you don't at all sound sincere. And I can't seem to stop this endless stream of tears.
I use to talk of suicide, but why kill myself? You just did that for me. You don't want me. You want that whore, Tiffany. Now I'm brain dead on the floor with only one thought in mind "I guess I'm not good enough; I guess you want more".

         My Criptic Rose
Roses....Everyone always admires these beautiful creatures; admireing every part of their delicate features. However, I see these things as different people. Some are black and dead, some are alive and red, some are white and pure, some are yellow and have no cure, while others are just mixtures of colors,but none of us is just like the others.
Mine is much more different so to say. I feel apart in every way. I was alive once before, then I turned black, and laid cold and dead in the vibrant flower bed. My pedals began to wither away. Untill a stranger found me one day.
So here I am black and dead (only acouple pedals still clinging on), "I love you", he said (I'm still trying to find out how), and as he said these 3 little words my last dieing pedals slowly turned red.
Now its a battle to keep me alive. For others, breaking us up is their only strive. Becca hated me for it.
*DING*
Another pedal falls. Haylea keeps trying to call.
*DING*
Now she claims to be raped by her uncle but uh....you can't rape the willing, now can you? I have family problems.
*DING DING*
I don't care anymore (there's nothing I can do), so I shut that door. Shane digs up something from the past that was baried long ago.
*DING DING DING DING DING*
I can't get over that one. Then there's Tiffany...there's not much to tell...she's nothing more than a waste of egg and sperm.
*DING*
It's been a year tomarrow, and we're still together. There's nothing more to weather. But there's only one rose petal left. Only one till I'm deader then black. Only one till I can't be brought back. Only one till I have none. Only one till everyone has won. And he's the only one who can make that one into none at all. If he chooses to do that then I have nothing to do but to fall. Fall into time and space. Fall into a dark and scary place. And there I will proceed to fall untill I'm nothing at all.....




This is a really crappy poem. yes it sucks, but this is all I can think of at the moment so yeah. Sorry bout this it's crap I know.

until that fateful day that I was cast astray......

What if....
What if I cried...would you be there to wipe away my tears, or just leave me there swallowed whole in my own worst fears?
What if I died....would you care, or leave me there alone and cold as I lie?
What if I dissappered into the night....would you care enough to find me, or would you just go on with out worry or fright?
I try to be all that I can be, but all I could ever be is shitty ass me. Sometimes I think that it'll be better off without me; that everyone would be happier if I'm not there, but I stay here because of you. I mean how much harm could it really be?
What if I was somebody else....would you miss the old me, or would that thought quickly flee?
Is it so bad haveing me around? Is it so bad that I love you more than anything?
What if I was never born....You wouldn't have to deal with me. I wouldn't have to deal with this hate and scorn.
But if I was never born I would've never met you,the love of my life, my world, my savior, my knife. But I am who I am, and I can't change. Even if I could I wouldn't. I love you that's all I can say. And that I love you more each and every day. I can't say the same for you because I'm not you, but I'd like to know where you stand on that subject, and I want things to get better, I'll do anything just tell me what to do. But I'm sleepy now I go to sleep, and know this: that no matter what happends I will ALWAYS love you, and the memories of you I will always happily keep. I promise you that.

The Willow Tree
I stand here. Forever planted here. And I fear you'll never return to me, my dear. I gave you my heart in a silver box, and gave you the only key to the godforsaken lock. You took it and hid it away. It's still yours each and every day. I am yours forever more. Untill the day you come back to me, and our souls sour.
The day I watched you walk away, I blew you a kiss, blessed every part of you (for you are every part of me), prayed safe you will always be, and that one day you'll come back to me.
I look for you in the lonely horizon. Wishing and waiting for the day we are togaether again. And bestow a kiss. The kind I truely miss. I waited so long that my hair became that of a weeping willow tree. My age quickly flee. That my arms and legs became roots. Forever planted here; each and every year. And my tears formed a river for little kids to play in, and animals to drink. But my love will never sink.
At night by the weeping willow tree when the sun goes to bed. You'll hear the one thing I said. The wispered words that were quickly forgotten. The words that are forever true. "I'll forever wait for you."

I scream to see if anyone heard. I cry to see if anyone could wipe my tears away. I kill myself to see if anyone would notice me not there the very next day. I laugh to try and believe the pain isn't there. Even if people noticed they wouldn't care.
I run away from things I cannot face. Like the truth that I'm a discrace. I hide away all my fears and my undieing tears. I try and escape my disturbing years.
I try so hard not to show the pain, or the blood running dowm my wrists and dripping off my tightly closed fists. I make up a lie so the truth wont seem to hurt.Swallowed whole by the truth;I look at myself dead on the floor. That I'm unimportant and uncared for.

One with Her
Look at her. She's pathetic, but her heart is cosmetic. I tell her to stop her crying, but the more she's alive the more she's dieing. I scream at her, "We're fine! Everything's okay!" A lie I didn't have to tell because we both know the truth, and we know it very well. We never did escape this living hell.
I live in fanatsy while she lives in the truth. She grows old while I stay in my youth. I keep her hidden while everyone else sees a lie. You can always fool the human eye.
She sits alone and disowned. I don't want to admit the truth, but the truth weighs a ton. That we are the same; we are one. She's the truth that I don't want anyone to see, but she's there; she's apart of me.
She screams out because of all the pain, blood pours down like acid rain, and I try my hardest just to keep saine. I scream, " Leave me alone! Go away! Why don't you die!" She just gives a sorrowful sigh.
The past is always lurking. It's not fair, but she's always there. Why can't I be normal, why can't I be happy. All I am is crappy. She's the truth. She's everything I don't want to see, but she's there and she won't leave. She hurts, and she puts me to shame, but the truth is we are one; we are the same.

A Night Never to Forget
She wanlks into a bar. She has stares from miles afar. She's beautiful as usual. He wants her. All his insides stir. They have a few beers, then he wispers in her ear. She laughs and walks away. Big mistake; that wasn't okay.
Afew minutes later, from a dark place, he watches her. She unlocks her car. His eyes twinkle like a star.
He wrestles her to the ground and holds her down. She screams, and wishes this is all a really bad dream. With him on top, she screams, begs, and pleas "stop". He tries to silence her. 1 hit, 2 hit, this is wrong he'll admit. He wanted her now he's had her. He leaves her in her misery. As she cries, she wishes she could die. He's finally through. Her fear has come true.
Nine months after she has a kid, but she could never tell her daughter who her dad really is. Her daughter grows up with hate, as sge watches other kids withtheir moms and dads; only to remind her of the dad she never had.
Her mom wants to end it all, but she has to stay strong. She'll never forget that night, and that horrifying sight. He was never caught, but life goes on weather we like it or not.


I hear lots of stories bout rape, I even know afew cases. I'm not going to say who, but I will say some run in my family. Rape is a hard thing to deal with, and I just want you to know that your not alone, but don't let it control you like a few ppl I know. If u've been raped anywhere from now through 9 years you should report it, and if it's past that then the most you can do is help others who went through the same as you.

Pretend it's okay!
All i do is stare. Keep looking up to the sky for answers that aren't there. For years, holding on to those who are dear. Uncontrolling fears. Unheard and hopeless tears. Mental thoughts in my head. Wake up in this hopital bed.
Plug up my ears, and close my eyes. Just want it to die. Cover my mouth. Stifle my scream. It's not real! It's only a dream!
He makes me out to be a goddesss, but I'm not. I'm nothing more than a fake. Stab my heart with a silver stake. Never saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. Just wanting to end this day. Never saying what I want, and what's on my mind. Never saying my thoughts of any kind.
Will he hate me for what I'm thinking? I can't control my thoughts. They're choking me, and I keep sinking.
Tell me when I stop breathing. Close my eyes, and let me keep believing. Listen to my heart beat. listen ----------- no sound. BANG! I hit the ground.

Time control
Wait! Mistake, do it all over again. change it rearrange it, and then. Fastforward to the good parts. Skip the ones that broke my heart.
We watch our lives on a T.V. screen. I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alrigfht scene.
He's lying next to me. The tmpeture rises another degree. I love his brown eyes, but hate it when they cry. I love the sound of his voice; I've made my choice. I love his smell; I'm no longer in hell. Then he looks down at me and smiles. Oh, his beautiful smile. Pause, let's stay here for awhile.
Don't want to hit play, but life has to go on anyways. Sometimes it goes to fast, lets slow it down some. To slow, speed it up to the next scene to come.
Feels as if I'm on a rollercoaster cart. Lifes like art- only makes sense to the creater. Fix this part later. Up and down, round and round, swirling and twirling, fast and slow then we grow old.
Was it what you wanted it to be? Did you find lifes secret key? Did you like who you were? Did you land on top? Blank screen, then you hit stop.

My past is my past. My mind is my mind. A mind which will forever last. What happened then haunts me, so I tried to block it out, but that seems impossible if Shane keeps bringing them up. All of any kind. I didn't want you to know I didn't want them to know. I didn't even want myself to know. I just want them to pack up and go. Lucio hurt us more than everyone else, but he gone now. Gone for 12 more years. After he might come for us again. In his mind we're the evidence, and he wont stop till he puts us at an end. Shane had no right to bring that up. It's something I've been trying to forget (even did for awhile), But since it's brought up it won't leave, and I'm starting to remember it clearly. I hold you so dearly. I love you, and you know I'd tell you most things, but this was to hard so don't get mad at me for this. I don't talk about my past. I'm not like Haliea or becca I don't use these for my advantage. A long time ago I close those doors. Please don't make me talk about this anymore.

Unspoken words
Ask me how it was that day. Ask me how it felt. Ask me what I couldn't say, and why on those subjects I melt. Show me how much you hate me, and how much you want me dead. Ask me why I said those things. How much he wanted to be king. I look at my world around me-my world, my cave, my cell-, and I see how far down I endlessly fell. Show me how much this world despises me, and how much they want me gone. So that I'll slip away into this night; never to show this disturbing face of mine. Never to change in time. I'm sick of this life, the tempting knife, this cage, this rage, this space and time. I'm so sick of it, it even makes me rhyme. Ask me about the faces(the ones that look away), and ask me about my faces(the ones I put on display). Ask me to leave this place; to never show my face, but don't ask me to return again; for no one wants me here to stay. Let my lay and think about this silly girl with a silly dream. A dream I want to be reality (so badly I want to scream). Since no one has the guts to say what they truely feel, and say, "Hey! This is the real deal.", I'm forced to stay here. In this isolation, in this desperation, alone in the cold, an unheard wisper in the wind. And that is the end.

NONSENSE
Liveing someone else's dream. Broken self-esteem.Take my life and make me new. I feel as if I'm liveing as two. Stuck between two worlds. Don't say a word. Will he hate me for what I'm thinking? My thoughts won't stop and I keep sinking. I can't control them they say bad things. I say things, but they don't understand what they mean.
He makes me out like I'm god, but I'm not I'm a frod. Never saying what's on my mind. Can't seem to seek the words to find. Stay till I'm gone. I was here all along. I'm still here; Please hold on. Alone and misowned. Forgotten and rotten. Misunderstood and die if I could. I made alot of mistakes, but I'm the biggest one of them all. Feel as if I'm a ragdoll. Holding on to my arm, then you drop me, and let me fall.
It's over. I'm done. It all has won. Close my eyes and let me sleep. Never more wake. In this nightmare too deep. I breath no more. At age 15 I already grown old and sore. I don't have a home, Don't have a family, and I don't have hope. Can't wash what I've done with magical soap.
Liveing with this broken family; there never was one. It's no longer fun. Run away from it all. Blood on the wall. No heartbeat, no pulse, no breath, I'm a piece of shit, Dead, Nothing at all.