What if....
What if I cried...would you be there to wipe away my tears, or just leave me there swallowed whole in my own worst fears?
What if I died....would you care, or leave me there alone and cold as I lie?
What if I dissappered into the night....would you care enough to find me, or would you just go on with out worry or fright?
I try to be all that I can be, but all I could ever be is shitty ass me. Sometimes I think that it'll be better off without me; that everyone would be happier if I'm not there, but I stay here because of you. I mean how much harm could it really be?
What if I was somebody else....would you miss the old me, or would that thought quickly flee?
Is it so bad haveing me around? Is it so bad that I love you more than anything?
What if I was never born....You wouldn't have to deal with me. I wouldn't have to deal with this hate and scorn.
But if I was never born I would've never met you,the love of my life, my world, my savior, my knife. But I am who I am, and I can't change. Even if I could I wouldn't. I love you that's all I can say. And that I love you more each and every day. I can't say the same for you because I'm not you, but I'd like to know where you stand on that subject, and I want things to get better, I'll do anything just tell me what to do. But I'm sleepy now I go to sleep, and know this: that no matter what happends I will ALWAYS love you, and the memories of you I will always happily keep. I promise you that.
The Willow Tree
I stand here. Forever planted here. And I fear you'll never return to me, my dear. I gave you my heart in a silver box, and gave you the only key to the godforsaken lock. You took it and hid it away. It's still yours each and every day. I am yours forever more. Untill the day you come back to me, and our souls sour.
The day I watched you walk away, I blew you a kiss, blessed every part of you (for you are every part of me), prayed safe you will always be, and that one day you'll come back to me.
I look for you in the lonely horizon. Wishing and waiting for the day we are togaether again. And bestow a kiss. The kind I truely miss. I waited so long that my hair became that of a weeping willow tree. My age quickly flee. That my arms and legs became roots. Forever planted here; each and every year. And my tears formed a river for little kids to play in, and animals to drink. But my love will never sink.
At night by the weeping willow tree when the sun goes to bed. You'll hear the one thing I said. The wispered words that were quickly forgotten. The words that are forever true. "I'll forever wait for you."
I scream to see if anyone heard. I cry to see if anyone could wipe my tears away. I kill myself to see if anyone would notice me not there the very next day. I laugh to try and believe the pain isn't there. Even if people noticed they wouldn't care.
I run away from things I cannot face. Like the truth that I'm a discrace. I hide away all my fears and my undieing tears. I try and escape my disturbing years.
I try so hard not to show the pain, or the blood running dowm my wrists and dripping off my tightly closed fists. I make up a lie so the truth wont seem to hurt.Swallowed whole by the truth;I look at myself dead on the floor. That I'm unimportant and uncared for.
One with Her
Look at her. She's pathetic, but her heart is cosmetic. I tell her to stop her crying, but the more she's alive the more she's dieing. I scream at her, "We're fine! Everything's okay!" A lie I didn't have to tell because we both know the truth, and we know it very well. We never did escape this living hell.
I live in fanatsy while she lives in the truth. She grows old while I stay in my youth. I keep her hidden while everyone else sees a lie. You can always fool the human eye.
She sits alone and disowned. I don't want to admit the truth, but the truth weighs a ton. That we are the same; we are one. She's the truth that I don't want anyone to see, but she's there; she's apart of me.
She screams out because of all the pain, blood pours down like acid rain, and I try my hardest just to keep saine. I scream, " Leave me alone! Go away! Why don't you die!" She just gives a sorrowful sigh.
The past is always lurking. It's not fair, but she's always there. Why can't I be normal, why can't I be happy. All I am is crappy. She's the truth. She's everything I don't want to see, but she's there and she won't leave. She hurts, and she puts me to shame, but the truth is we are one; we are the same.
A Night Never to Forget
She wanlks into a bar. She has stares from miles afar. She's beautiful as usual. He wants her. All his insides stir. They have a few beers, then he wispers in her ear. She laughs and walks away. Big mistake; that wasn't okay.
Afew minutes later, from a dark place, he watches her. She unlocks her car. His eyes twinkle like a star.
He wrestles her to the ground and holds her down. She screams, and wishes this is all a really bad dream. With him on top, she screams, begs, and pleas "stop". He tries to silence her. 1 hit, 2 hit, this is wrong he'll admit. He wanted her now he's had her. He leaves her in her misery. As she cries, she wishes she could die. He's finally through. Her fear has come true.
Nine months after she has a kid, but she could never tell her daughter who her dad really is. Her daughter grows up with hate, as sge watches other kids withtheir moms and dads; only to remind her of the dad she never had.
Her mom wants to end it all, but she has to stay strong. She'll never forget that night, and that horrifying sight. He was never caught, but life goes on weather we like it or not.
I hear lots of stories bout rape, I even know afew cases. I'm not going to say who, but I will say some run in my family. Rape is a hard thing to deal with, and I just want you to know that your not alone, but don't let it control you like a few ppl I know. If u've been raped anywhere from now through 9 years you should report it, and if it's past that then the most you can do is help others who went through the same as you.
Pretend it's okay!
All i do is stare. Keep looking up to the sky for answers that aren't there. For years, holding on to those who are dear. Uncontrolling fears. Unheard and hopeless tears. Mental thoughts in my head. Wake up in this hopital bed.
Plug up my ears, and close my eyes. Just want it to die. Cover my mouth. Stifle my scream. It's not real! It's only a dream!
He makes me out to be a goddesss, but I'm not. I'm nothing more than a fake. Stab my heart with a silver stake. Never saying what I mean, and meaning what I say. Just wanting to end this day. Never saying what I want, and what's on my mind. Never saying my thoughts of any kind.
Will he hate me for what I'm thinking? I can't control my thoughts. They're choking me, and I keep sinking.
Tell me when I stop breathing. Close my eyes, and let me keep believing. Listen to my heart beat. listen ----------- no sound. BANG! I hit the ground.
Time control
Wait! Mistake, do it all over again. change it rearrange it, and then. Fastforward to the good parts. Skip the ones that broke my heart.
We watch our lives on a T.V. screen. I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alrigfht scene.
He's lying next to me. The tmpeture rises another degree. I love his brown eyes, but hate it when they cry. I love the sound of his voice; I've made my choice. I love his smell; I'm no longer in hell. Then he looks down at me and smiles. Oh, his beautiful smile. Pause, let's stay here for awhile.
Don't want to hit play, but life has to go on anyways. Sometimes it goes to fast, lets slow it down some. To slow, speed it up to the next scene to come.
Feels as if I'm on a rollercoaster cart. Lifes like art- only makes sense to the creater. Fix this part later. Up and down, round and round, swirling and twirling, fast and slow then we grow old.
Was it what you wanted it to be? Did you find lifes secret key? Did you like who you were? Did you land on top? Blank screen, then you hit stop.
My past is my past. My mind is my mind. A mind which will forever last. What happened then haunts me, so I tried to block it out, but that seems impossible if Shane keeps bringing them up. All of any kind. I didn't want you to know I didn't want them to know. I didn't even want myself to know. I just want them to pack up and go. Lucio hurt us more than everyone else, but he gone now. Gone for 12 more years. After he might come for us again. In his mind we're the evidence, and he wont stop till he puts us at an end. Shane had no right to bring that up. It's something I've been trying to forget (even did for awhile), But since it's brought up it won't leave, and I'm starting to remember it clearly. I hold you so dearly. I love you, and you know I'd tell you most things, but this was to hard so don't get mad at me for this. I don't talk about my past. I'm not like Haliea or becca I don't use these for my advantage. A long time ago I close those doors. Please don't make me talk about this anymore.
Unspoken words
Ask me how it was that day. Ask me how it felt. Ask me what I couldn't say, and why on those subjects I melt. Show me how much you hate me, and how much you want me dead. Ask me why I said those things. How much he wanted to be king. I look at my world around me-my world, my cave, my cell-, and I see how far down I endlessly fell. Show me how much this world despises me, and how much they want me gone. So that I'll slip away into this night; never to show this disturbing face of mine. Never to change in time. I'm sick of this life, the tempting knife, this cage, this rage, this space and time. I'm so sick of it, it even makes me rhyme. Ask me about the faces(the ones that look away), and ask me about my faces(the ones I put on display). Ask me to leave this place; to never show my face, but don't ask me to return again; for no one wants me here to stay. Let my lay and think about this silly girl with a silly dream. A dream I want to be reality (so badly I want to scream). Since no one has the guts to say what they truely feel, and say, "Hey! This is the real deal.", I'm forced to stay here. In this isolation, in this desperation, alone in the cold, an unheard wisper in the wind. And that is the end.
NONSENSE
Liveing someone else's dream. Broken self-esteem.Ta
He makes me out like I'm god, but I'm not I'm a frod. Never saying what's on my mind. Can't seem to seek the words to find. Stay till I'm gone. I was here all along. I'm still here; Please hold on. Alone and misowned. Forgotten and rotten. Misunderstood and die if I could. I made alot of mistakes, but I'm the biggest one of them all. Feel as if I'm a ragdoll. Holding on to my arm, then you drop me, and let me fall.
It's over. I'm done. It all has won. Close my eyes and let me sleep. Never more wake. In this nightmare too deep. I breath no more. At age 15 I already grown old and sore. I don't have a home, Don't have a family, and I don't have hope. Can't wash what I've done with magical soap.
Liveing with this broken family; there never was one. It's no longer fun. Run away from it all. Blood on the wall. No heartbeat, no pulse, no breath, I'm a piece of shit, Dead, Nothing at all.
Break the day; don't let it stay. Stab my heart; broke from the very start. Cried all I had and more. Dead before I hit this floor. Mind wont stop; wont shut up! make it stop, make it go away. Stop my breath so I have nothing to say.
Is what I'm thinking wrong? It makes me smile,but everyone else sad. Blame my past and my fucking dads. I want to cry. I want to die. But I have to keep going for their sake. I don't want to hurt them, but it's hard for me to keep going. Everyone's changed, and there's nothing I can do; nothing I can say too.
I have to keep going for all of yall, but I'd rather yall let go and watch me fall. I'm sorry for everthing. I know I've been a bitch lately and I feel bad. I'm sorry I'm working on it. Im sorry that's all I can say. can't take this another day. I'm still here. I always will I fear.
Untitled
Distorded clips of these horror films in my head. The things that were done, and the things that were said. In a single thought; blown away by a lonely gun shot.
Wantng thing the way they used to be, but things changed and so do we. Twisting and turning, swallowed whole in these repeating nightmares. Sweating and screaming, then I breath the night air.
Fallen rose peatles and twisted metal. Broken dreams and unheard screams. Love to hate and hurt, until you become the reason they're baried in the dirt.
These dreams and thoughts won't seem to fade. I feel wrongly built and poorly made. I want to, but can't talk about it. It wants out so badly it won't sit. But when I talk, they laugh in my face. So it stays in my head; in this lonely place.
There's only one person I want to talk to, but my words won't go through. All I can say to him is that I'll stay till he's gone. I'm here; hold on.
Cutting me to tiny pieces. Blessing me with forbidden kisses. Love is what I wanted, and now love is what I got. He doesn't know how much I fought.
They're afraid that I'm going to hurt myself again, but how can you hurt someone who's already dead. I think about this question as I lie awake in bed. Suicide was my way out, but how do you kill someone who's already dead. Loosing him is the worst thing I dread.
How can someone like him love someone like me. It seems to good to be. Like a dream I'm afraid to wake. I've been beaten down to were there's no repair. All that's left is hope and dispair. I look in to the mirror and only see a ghost, a scared little girl, and my fucking screwed up past. I still wonder how long it'll last.
My words don't don't come out right. I've been trying to show him the light. I'm afraid he's not going to love me as long as he says. He's all I got, he's all I want, But if I say he's all I desire; I'd be a lier. He's my world, he's also the sword. I love him till the end. This is real, this is not a fake, It's not pretend.
Repeating Nightmare
Irresistable charm; no need for alrm. Woman falls in love, they get married, and have kids. Then she finds out the true monster he really is.
Anger and fear, Danger and tears. Daddy's mad again. It's all our fault; he has no sin. Daddy's yelling and hitting. Momma's silently sitting. Children cry. Momma would rather die. New born baby thrown across the room. It's a mess; get out the mop and broom.
Momma's checking her bruises. She hates how she always looses. Daddy's having a beer. Children are still in tears.
Children in foster care. It's not fair. Momma's thinking of suicide. Bible or pills, Bible or pills, and daddy's ill.
Years after there's still no laughter.Daddy
The worst came to an end, but she's still scared to defend. It's now a repeating nightmare. She's to ashamed to care. She's a beautiful daughter, but she'll never forget her abusive father.
Secret Butterfly and the Snake
Searching for answers, as I look up to the dark and empty sky. Broken wings torn straight from the secret butterfly held within. Still hurting because of that secrat sin. Not only me, but others as well. This life IS my heaven and hell.
Pealing off their skin.
Kiss them goodnight and then. Secret butterfly is slowly dieing inside.
Blank stares. Undieing nightmares. To late; Secrat butterfly is no more. In it's place a snake. Time to settle the score. For years; lieing and killing with deep regret, until a stranger I soon did met.
Then the true battle began. Now afraid to stand. He's bringing back to life my secret butterfly. My snake not willing to die. He's cleaning my sin. Close my eyes and count to ten. Butterfly or snake. A choice not so hard to make.
I love you to death. You're more addicting than the drug meth. Snake dieing, and butterfly moves. I didn't think this could happen. I didn't think this could be real. I can finally feel.
Secret butterfly flutters around. Snake still on the ground. For all this I thank you. The war is over and won. It's finally through. All because of you.
Acid Rain and Her Dead Roses
Pain stay. Rain today. Love and hate. Grudge and fate. Roses bloom, but fastly die. She breaks down and cries.
Tomented eyes. Pain-stakeing lies. Money and fame. Honey and shame. She's to beautiful to hide, but to ugly to be seen. She's hurting inside. No one understands what she means.
Glass shadders. Nothing else matters. Looking at her broken reflection. Mom should've never had her fucking sesection.
Bleeding wounds. Hideing in her cacoon. Her blood stains as it pours down like acid rain. It washes her clean, but then she wakes from her wonderful dream.
Lost self-esteem. Hair raising scream. Want and lust, then she turns to dust.
Horror film. Lights gone dim. Life went wrong. Thought she was strong. Violent poses, and her dead roses.
Take this pain and make me fell sane. My open wounds that u healed are bleeding once again. I hid from everybody cuz of evil men, but u got close, and I love u for that. But it feels as if I've been beaten to death with a baseball bat.
Wipe away my undieing tears, strip me clean of my unforgetable fears. I love you; I've proven that to you. I don't know what to say, how to act, or even what to do. but I'll be with u till my life takes a break. My love is not a fake. I should ask u the same question, but I know u do. How much though? I thought I knew.
But after this I'm not quite sure. Am I enough, or do you want more? This all feels like a dream. I'm afraid to wake up and scream, for fear you won't be there beside me. I wish you can see how I would die for you. You know I would. I wish you understood.
That I love you till death do we part. I love you till the end and beyond. You know I do. I love you.
Fuck yall! This hurts so much I can't write. I can't think, Can't talk I can't do anything. I don't know what 2 write, think, say, do, or even act. All I know is that this hurts,and I can't get Pretty girl by Sugarcult out of my head. Just like I can't never did and never will get Eddie out of my head. I don't know anything anymore but what I do know is that I love Eddie with all my heart I always will. No matter how he fucks it up I always love him. Till death do we part.
This is what's wrong!
Run away, can't stay. Gotta escape. Put me back together with crappy ass tape. Already to late. Win this debate. I've already became what I fucking hate.
Loosing faith. Fallen from grace. Too much to face. I'm all over the place. Plumiting hope and dieing dreams.To lost to fix my broken self-esteem.
with everything that's going on, I'm still wondering what went wrong. To blind to see what's true and what's a lie. To scared to stop my crying eyes. to hurt to mend my bleeding heart. Hit with to many darts. It shadders as it falls to my feet. It no longer beats.
Lost in my memories and scary thoughts. I'm falling apart. to confused to save my soul. To tired to take control.
You wanted to know what's wrong, well here you go, this is what's going on. This time I almost lost you. I can't live if I really do. I wouldn't be able to go on another day. This all I have to say. I love you with all of me. Why can't you see? That I'd do anything for you. What more could I do?
My Confession
Can't sleep. The pain is too deep. Stop all the clocks, turn back time. This should be a crime. Can't laugh. I need my better half. Can't smile. Is he sure he wants ME walking down that aile?
The things that I've done; I have more than one. But the one that hurts the most I dare not say. Even though it's right there on display. The one that hurts the most I dare not talk about. It hurts so much I can't even let it out.
I couldn't see what was right infront on my blinded eyes. How much of what he said were lies? He thought that day, "I love you, Brea." He shouldn't of loved me. That was his first mistake. Now his life has taken a permanint break. The worst part of it all is that I loved him back, but my courage to tell him this I lacked.
If I could talk to him one last time, I'd say, "I'm sorry for blameing you for everthing I just couldn't do." But he's never to return. The moral of this story I quickly learned. That you should take what you have and run with it; for it doesn't last forever. And when it's gone; The day it'll return is never.
So there you have it, Eddie; in printed form. The tears I've cried over this are feverishly warm. You called me your skittle, and now you've tasted my true flavor. I'm only telling you this 'cause with you I feel safer.
I'm not perfect; as you make me out to be, but you still fell in love with me. I'm not perfect, but neither are you. You try so hard, what more could you do? This memory has made me sick. It's not about a boy, it's about Nick. I can't tell you no more. Anymore of this I plead the 5th, but I will tell you this-it's not your perfections, but your imperfections that I fell in love with.
The Name of the Game is LIFE
Falling forward onto the sword. Hardly breathing, yet still they're decieving. Laughing faces. Distorted places. Screaming out. To many doubts. Lying awake. Shed afew tears for their sake. Can't sleep. In memories knee deep. Choking on fears and bad thougts. Desearted streets and vacant lots. Bleeding cuts. mixed-breed muts. Live or die; in this game you have to choose. To late. You loose.