I used to think it was too late to start over. But after all that's happened the only way to shed some light on such a dim lit life I've created IS to start something...no matter what it is. And finish it. Positivity is the key in this situation and I intend on staying postive, for the alternative isn't as appealing I promise you. I just want to get back to the old me, I liked him better. So I looked up some things online to help start the process of changing back for the good. At a tag sale a few weeks ago I found a Canon eos D30 body with a grip attachment that lets you hold a second battery in it for $50!!! They must not have known what they had. But I still need a few other things. Here's what I found.

Canon d30 battery/$8.91 Ship:$7.44
Canon d30 CompactFlash memory card/$10.18 Ship:$3.60
Compaq Presario battery charger/$12.95 Ship:$6.95

All together it's $50.03. I figured I'd start off small and get these things first. Don't want to overwhelm myself. I want to go back by moving forward...let's see if I can do the impossible.

I'm joining the next round of 10 days of photography(:

I made cheeseburger chowder...fuck yeah! :P

I needed some snow...
Whenever it falls it's like a blanket of hush.
And while being alone, silence can be so loud...deafening even.
I can't hear myself think.

do you belong to me or him?
does he exist?
it's ok...you can tell me if you don't want me.
the suspence is killing me...

...but I don't have a right to control.

*smiles and moves next to, tracing my finger down your arm...and whispers*

I explored forbidden places on her trembling body.
Her eyes closed, though her body was glowing with a concentration that is indescribable.
Her sighs and moans still vivid in my mind.
She tasted of warmth, a taste so fulfilling I hope everyone finds it someday.
She gave back a feeling that took over.
Running down your neck,
cascading over your shoulders,
traveling over forbidden areas,
coarsing down your legs,
sliding over your ankles,
and then pooling at your feet.
Do you feel it?

I'm so happy(:

But at the same time frustrated because I can't upload the photos I took today with my Brand New Canon Rebel EOS Digital SLR

I took some real good ones too.

I want to fucking die right now

-Welcome to Heartbreak- by [Astrid.]

This is about how he could never be with the
only 'A' that could 'B' his 'C'.
Couldn't bare to leave him but had no problem depleting me
of my 'D' and 'E' went straight to 'F' and eelings.

I tried to tell her it's your love I want to earn, but she turned
said she couldn't open another can of worms.
I was fish bait to her, now I sit, face buhda
I see through her, I guess you live and you learn.

This is about how he could never please her
ease her- mind, paint it black, she my easel.
Better yet shes my canvas
Just trying to figure out how to care for this heart I've been handed.

Now I'm stranded...abandoned.
A man with no sense of worth, I'm a bandit.
You never gave that slack, Now I'm fallen in love
And there is no way you can take that back. 

I can't stop smiling.
Theres no way I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.
Her voice will keep me up until the morning.

Photos by David Astrid

I've had a hell of a day. Overwhelmed with emotion and fatigue.
A friend of mine was put into foster care not too long ago...her mother was sent to jail for undisclosed reasons.
Today she went to court with her stepfather to be released into his custody so she wouldn't have to deal the the harsh conditions of being in the system like many of her friends have before her, including me.
Once out of court they headed back to there home when they got a flat tire.
Her stepfather went out to change it and had a heart attack right there on the sidewalk.
A half hour later he was pronounced dead at the hospital.
It had seemed as if my friends life had taken the ultimate turn for the worst.
It humbled me to see how far I've come from such a meaningless life as a foster child heading nowhere, to an ambitious young adult striving to live a better life and make a name for himself and a mark on this world.
At the very least this was an eye opener.
It let me know that death is certain, and it can sneak up on you at any time of any day.
I thought I was living life to the fullest...
Now I know that I can do much more.

Yeah...
So I went with my friend Joe on Friday to see Silverstein in concert...or so I thought.
Instead when I got there it was Sky eats Airplane, A day to remember, and The Devil Wears Prada!!!!!!!!!!
It was amazing to say the least.
I had so much fun.
I haven't had that much fun in a while.

I'm not holding up my end.
Everyday I'm more and more afraid that her love for me might wilt and eventually die.
She's so incredibly beautiful.
I often wonder why she chose me.
She's up on a pedastal, but I am fully aware that I have placed her there.
Because thats exactly where I want her to be.
She has shown me how to fly.
But I could never soar as high as when I'm with her.
I love her.
I love you.
Don't leave me.

My mind warps and bends floats the wind count to ten
meet the twins Virtue, Sin. welcome to the lion's den
original skin many men comprehend
I extend myself so you go out & tell a friend
Sin all depends on what you believing in
Faith is what you make it that's the hardest shit since MC Ren
Alien can blend right on in wit' yo' kin
look again 'cause I swear I spot one every now & then
It's happenin' again wish I could tell you when
You can think and ponder y'all just gon' have to make amends

The suns rays awoke me, I was surprisingly willing to start the day though it was still early.
I walked to the door, half clothed and bracing myself for the cold air that I assumed was about to embrace my naked torso.
But instead it was a semi-warm breeze which wrapped my body.
Though it is February the wind glaze the snow banks and began to melt them.
I then saw the storm cloud out of my peripheral vision.
So I enjoyed the rain scented breeze that blew through my hair, and the thunderous silence it brought with it.
A morning like this gives me hope that there will be more of them in the future. 

Question...can anyone really change? People make me believe otherwise. I mean even if you do change, will it matter if no one believes you? Some think there is an easy and simple solution to that question. If the people you surround yourself with think you can't change, then just change the people your around. As if someones thoughts about that individual won't effect him or her. The power of a thought is so underated. A thought though secluded and private at first, can fester...linger...and eventually become important enough to think about a second time. The more you hold on to a thought, the more your effected by it. Sometimes enough to want to effect someone else with it. Thoughts then turn into words because supposedly they speak louder. And actions almost all of the time turn into memory. Like the memory of the way someone used to be for instince. So I ask again...can anyone really change?

Sad and empty.
Something very familiar indeed.
I don't no who I am anymore, nor do I have any clue what I want to become.
Maybe the chance of failing is scaring me away from doing what I have to.
I need to figure out what I want, instead of trying to mimick others....

I need to think....