So... fucking... furious. I could just fucking smash everything around me right now. Fuck! Ive never been so offended in my life and I have been very, very fucking offended before.

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/a-30-second-guide-to-how-gay-marriage-ruling-affects-you/

---A very important public service announcement from your pal Sideways.

To [hanhepi]



I WIN.

The wish you plead and the dream you sought
We all think, we all thought...

And The things I've done, and the world I've seen
Don't measure up
To you, my queen

Oh, trade one life for another,
And find my way
Through this Machine

God damn this cursed Iron Fist.. When I lose control,
Oh, no...
God damn this cursed Iron Fist.. When I lose control
Oh, oh...

The first trade out, and the last one drones
We'll all sing; "We're going home"

As the curtain swings,
to cover all our secrets kept,
Our love, enough.

God damn this cursed Iron Fist When I lose control
Oh, no...
Oh, girl, this is what I've become.
And I'm going to leave it up to you. What are you
Going to do?

Cuz I
Don't
Want--to lose your
Hold
On--me...
Cuz I
Don't
Want--to lose your
Hold
On--me...

God damn this cursed Iron Fist When I lose control
Oh, no...
See, girl, this is what I've become!
And I'm going to leave it up to you!

What are you
Going to do?

Just remember!
Just remember..
Pay no attention to:
This IRON FIST!
This IRON FIST!
Just remember, please!
Pay no attention to:
This Iron!
This Iron Fist...

God damn this curse,
God damn,
God damn this Iron!
This Iron Fist!
Godamn this curse,
God damn,
Godamn this Iron!
This Iron Fist.

I...

Hurt myself today.
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain...
The only thing that's real.

The needle tears a hole.
The old, familiar sting
Tried to kill it all away,
But I remember

Everything.

And you could have it all
My empire of Dirt.
I will let you down.

I will make you hurt.



I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
That I cannot repair.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings dissappear.
You are someone else.

I am still right here.

And you can have it all!
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down!
I will make you hurt.


If I could start again,
A million miles away,
I would keep this self.


I would find a way.

-----

_____
  -----
_____
    ----

I beat my machine..
It's a part of me.
It's inside of me.

I'm stuck in this dream..
It's changing me
I am Becoming--

The "Me" that you know
He had some second thoughts
He's covered with scabs,
He is broken and sore!

The "Me" that you know
He doesn't come around much.
That part of me

Isn't here anymore

All traits disappear
It's the nature of
Of my circuitry...

Drowns out all I hear 
No escape from this,
My new consciousness..

The "Me" that you know
Used to have feelings
But the blood has stopped pumping
And he is left to decay!

The "Me" that you know
Is now made up of wires,
And even when I'm right with you
I'm so far away

I can try to get away!
But I’ve strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away!
The Sound in my ears
I can see it killing away!
All of my bad parts..
I don't want to listen!!
But it's all too clear.

......
**a teddy bear
A grown up's smile
A piece of sunny sky without fear..***

**stained floor I wept on
Stranger's house
With no idea how I got
From there, to here...***
......
Hiding...
Backwards inside of me
I feel...
So unafraid...
Baby...
Please hold a little tighter.
I might...
Just slip away.

....
**Safety blanket..
..warmer bed..
Everything...
That mommy said...
A goal to achieve
A girl to wed
Every Lie..
That I was fed...***

it won't give up, it wants me dead
God damn this noise inside my head.
it won't give up, it wants me dead
God damn this noise inside my head

IT WON'T GIVE UP, IT WANTS ME DEAD
GOD DAMN THIS VOICE INSIDE ME HEAD
IT WON'T GIVE UP, IT WANTS ME DEAD
GOD DAMN THIS NOISE INSIDE MY HEAD

**Glassy eyes
Slackjaw face
Never feeling
Past erased

Forgotten once
Forget it twice
I feel nothing.
Isn't that nice?**Missing: </i>

This is for my dear friend [Ravenclaw]




These are the days,
The End Complete
The world is turning to the sound
Of the suffering
You are the jury, we are the saints.

Our minds divide,
The past repeats
A war still brewing in the hearts
Of those we once bled.
I am the Knowing, the living dead.

Dig deeper! Remember:
All that you've been
And all you've left behind!
Wave goodbye, my dear.
Dig deeper! Remember:
All that you've been
And all you've left behind!
Welcome home, my dear.

No words to say,
The worst displayed
What once was courage is now
Cursed in the world we've made.
We are the sinners, before our fate.

Now leave in peace,
The dead unsaved
A world still turning down the path
Toward The End Complete!
Now spite me, jury.
We've come for change!

Dig deeper! Remember:
All that you've been
And all you've left behind!
Wave goodbye, my dear.
Dig deeper! Remember:
All that you've been
And all you've left behind!
Welcome home, my dear.

...
"Momma,
I'm living proof that
Never,
Is just around the
Corner:
A Ghost!!
To walk the end
Designed for you and I..."

No one will ever know...


*sigh*
No one will ever know.



"SCREAM!!! Ah-Ha-HAAA!"

We are the fate of Killers!
The call of justice!
We are now waiting while you
Wish us away with your plans
And pray for deliverance!
Well, this is no safe haven!

GOD He will not save you
    IS NOT He will not save you
       HERE!!! He will not save you from this!

You've been stealing my lines?
NOW! Go on living your lies,
For on your knees you will find,
You'll face a jury in Hell-



We are the fate of Sinners!
The call of justice!
We are now waiting while you
Wish us away with your prayer
And hope for a savior!
Wont save your soul from Satan!

GOD He will not save you
    IS NOT He will not save you
       HERE!!! He will not save you from this!

You've been stealing my lines?
NOW! Go on living your lies,
For on your knees you will find,
You'll face a jury in Hell!


Those were the days,
The End Complete
The world is burning to the howls
Of the suffering.
You are the jury, we are the saints....

Dig deeper! Remember:
All that you've been
And all you've left behind!
Wave goodbye, my dear.
Dig deeper! Remember:
All that you've been
And all you've left behind!
Welcome home, my dear.

You were the magic
That turned a curse in time!
And You were the beauty
That we had to leave behind.
Oh, oh...
"Bye-bye."

This sinking warmth through obscurity
Beyond the sweet in between Where and what you're doing.. There is a view of an uncharted place
Where you're the brunt of a joke
And everyone's laughing..

I am not: Who I seem
Who you thought: I could be
The support: You could lean
Up against: When you need
I'm the Dark: When you want
The lights out: At all costs,
This is mine: That is yours
I'm the bricks in your Wall.

Goodbye, Forever!
My Darling, Whether
I was everything you thought I'd be,
Or not...
I was a bad man, so bad,
To stop you girl from loving me!

Goodbye, Forever!
My Darling, Whether
I was everything you thought I'd be,
Or not...
I was a bad man, oooh...
To stop you girl from loving me..
Oh, no!

A yearning loss--to silence me The struggle breaks the black and white,
Calling, transmitting,
The echo breaks: electric air.
Her pulse! It stretches from never
To everywhere...

And from the other side she'll save me!
Her courage, strength and heart:
Beyond!
I wish she'd stay mine..
But her place is in some other time,
Oh, oh!

Goodbye, Forever!
My Darling, Whether
I was everything you thought I'd be,
Or not...
I was a bad man, oooh...
To stop you girl from loving me..
Oh, no!

Sssss....
Oh, no...
Ssss....
No, no....

Body, separating,
Ascend and release...
This Tragedy's all MY--
Fault...
Reaching, desperately
To salvage any piece!
This Tragedy's all MY--
Fault.... and...

This hurt won't- Won't go away
This hurt won't- Won't go away
This hurt won't- Won't go away This hurt won't- Won't go away
Won't go away
Won't go away..

And from the other side she'll save me!
Her courage, strength and heart:
Beyond!
I wish she'd stay mine..
But her place is in some other time,
Oh, oh!

Goodbye, Forever!
My Darling, Whether
I was everything you thought I'd be,
Or not...
I was a bad man, oooh...
To stop you girl from loving me..
Oh, no!

Goodbye, Forever-- Forever!
You won't be forgotten!
Goodbye, Forever,
ForEVER...
You won't be forgotten....

YOU LIED.

(This song used to keep me up at night. A lot. For years.)

Time- has passed,
Far too long,
To lament that we were once
Deeply in love-

The wind- blows softly
While- my heart
Cannot heal all the tears
That are in it...

Would someone cry
Just for me
With the driest of eyes?!

THE REAL FOLK- BLUES!
I only- want
To understand
What true sadness is

Reclining amongst
The muddy water
Really isn't-
Such a bad life

Only if it ends...
After--The first time...

Well I don't want to see you waiting,
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending,
With no more messed up reasons for me to stay!

Well this is
Not for real!
Afraid to feel!
I just
Hit the floor!
Don't ask for more!

I'm Wasting my time!
I'm Wasting my time!

You can't stop to feel!
And there's no reason
Just make the call!
And take it all again!

Woah, all again....

I hate-- everything I am becoming!
This change is torture
There is never enough to give
Only plenty to take--and this I wage

When the ground parts from below,
Will it feel so?
How can I gain from another
when the other goes?

This hand,
This hurt,
My heart

I'll flirt with Disaster
Just know now, man,
The deal is off!!

I'll be no good!
This time defines:
I'll put my Touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands
Just won't come Clean!

I'm a "Murderer,"
The worst these Worlds will see

Mercy!--Please leave her just a little bit longer
She's All my world!
My love, I apologize!
With that you'll see the end of days,
Just rest assured!

'Cause they won't let her go,
And I remain so-- Alone
To work out a clever way to get her home!

I will
Do what
I must

I'll flirt with Disaster
Just know now, boy,
You're out of luck!!

I'll be no good,
This time defines:
I'll put my Touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands
Just won't come Clean

I'm a"Murderer,"
The worst these worlds will see

Oh, save me from Defeat again!
This is war...
Murdered the one so close!
While she trusts!-- You curse
"Die, my darling!"

If only you'd know
How Lovely you glow!
In the flame of Error!

Oh, I ask too much..
Please turn back the clock! and
Take me instead!!!!

How have you
Come to lose? The only thing that mattered
The other "1" to your "2!"

I've become! The Wrong...
Everyone's Black Sheep

A witch, please burn me
For God...

I'll be no good
This time defines:
I'll put my Touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands
Just won't come Clean!

I'm a "Murderer,"
The worst these worlds will see

Oh, save me from Defeat again!
This is war....
Murder the one so close!
While she trusts!-- you curse
"Die, my darling!"

I'll be no good!
This time defines!

Oh, save me from defeat again!
Oh, save me from defeat again!
Again,
Once again...

"FUCK YOU!

I can't say what I want to...
Even if I'm not serious.
I can't say what I want to...
Even if I'm not serious, things like

Fuck yourself..
Go Fuck yourself...
You Piece of SHIT, why don't you go, and
Just KILL YOURSELF!
For sayin'

I can't say what I want to!
Even if I'm not serious!
I can't say what I want to
Even IF
I'M JUST KIDDING!!!!

Yes...

People tell me what to say...
What to think, and what to play
I said,
People tell me what to say
What to think and what to PLAY!

I can't say what I want to!
Even if I'm not serious!
I can't say what I want to
Even IF
I'M JUST KIDDING!!!!

....Go fuck yourself....
---You piece of shit---
Just go get fucked...
WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK
YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

People tell me what to say...
What to think, and what to play
I said,
People tell me what to say
What to think and what to PLAY!

People tell me what to say...
What to think, and what to play
I said,
People tell me what to say
What to think and what to PLAY!

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Just Kidding.

"We're about to have a feast!"

Of your childhood and imortal soul

Two times now!!
I've been-- struck down
By a voice that Speaks
From deep-- beneath
The Endless water that's

Twice as clear as Heaven,
Twice as loud as reason...
Deep and rich, like silt on a riverbed
And just as never-ending

The current's mouth below me...
Opens up around me...
Suggests and beckons, all while swallowing...

Surrounds! and Drowns! and
Washes me away!!

...But I'm so comfortable?
Too comfortable...

Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up,
You're saturating me!

How could I let THIS bring me
Back to my knees???

*sigh*
Third time now! 
I've been-- Baptized by a voice that
Screams-- from deep--
Beneath the cold and black water that's

Half as high as Heaven,
Half as clear as reason...
Clear and black like silt on a riverbed
And Just as never-ending

The current's mouth below me...
Opens up around me
Suggests and beckons, all while swallowing...

Surrounds! and Drowns! and
Washes me away!!

But I'm so comfortable?
Too comfortable...

Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up,
You're saturating me!
How could I let this happen?

Why don't you kill me?
I am Weak and
Numb and
Insignificant!!

How could I let THIS bring me
Back to my knees???

You said, you lied
Eu--phor--i--a
You said, you lied
Eu--phor--i--a

Then I saw that, I was here,
Then I knew that,
Again, begun, the fear that

I'M BACK DOWN! IN
THE UNDERTOW
I'M HELPLESS AND AWAKE!
I'M IN
THE UNDERTOW
THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY WAY!
OUT! OF
THE UNDERTOW

You! Swore! To! Me!
Eu--phor--i--a!!!
AHHHHHHHHH
Oh.

I feel the need to reach out for help.
I also dont want that help to come.
My remaining ET friends are strangers. Like neighbors from thenext street that I see everyday, but they have no fucking clue who I am. I dont know them either.

I dont want to say "I'm depressed."
I dont want you to answer "Whats wrong?"
Whats wrong? Whats WRONG?

I do not have the energy to explain 20 years of a broken home, domestic violence, poverty, inadequacy, mental illness, physical abuse, massive anxiety, schoolastic failure, drug abuse, insolvency, isolation, abandonment, betrayal, heartbreak, despair, identity crisis, and just plain hard luck to you fucking people.

You know what asking for help gets me? A knife inthe back.
Im not allowed to mention other Elftownians in a negative fashion in my diary. So Im just gonna think of everyone on here who expressed love or at least compassion towards me and donot talk to me anymore onhere. Then I'm just gonna list numbers.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Thats just off the top of my head. I admit that two of em werent really my friends. But three of them I loved. Truly did.

And this is all just venting. If the thought has occurred to you that Im a basketcase and you should just move on with your day?
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
You are 100% correct! Every last one of those people I just listed blocked me on a day I was horribly depressed and begged them for help.

I know Im the common denominator in that equation. I know Im not a pleasant person. I know Im just a bad fucking egg. Im not kidding.


As an addict and alcoholic, let me enlighten you blessed normal people with manageable lives what exactly creates a drug addict. Its not what you think.

At some point, when we become adults, we grow a bit jaded about things we were told growing up.
No, not all of us can be president. Not all of us can be astronauts.
There ARE some things that stay out of reach. Sometimes "doing your best" isnt enough.
We learn lessons from that. We learn compromise, gratitude, and humility.

What drives a person to seek anesthetic at the cost of their entire lives? What pain causes a man to forsake his family? Forsake his future?

I know my story isnt everyone's. But I guarantee you this part occurs at least temporarily in every addict.

Its when you find out that your "best" doesnt even make you a good person. When you try so fucking hard to be good that the failure robs you of sleep. When the hatred and disgust of those around you persists even when you stay awake all night trying to discover what your mistakes were nd how to learn from them. When you find out the love of your life left you and didnt even have the courage to tell you why. When your best friend is comfortable with using you for money and leaving you fucked up and alone when you really need him.

When your heart wants to love, and be loved, more than anything in the world. When there isnt anyfucking thing you wouldnt sacrifice to have someone care, anyone, because you cant find one fucking single redeeming thing in your own character. When the last time you felt an emotion like pride, or contentment was more than a fucking decade ago. You know, barring the time you spent with that woman who was cheating on you for two weeks and broke up with you and blamed the whole fucking thing on you.

I should be dead. If suicide was in my nature, I would have killed myself and probably in my grief and rage taken others with me.

You wanna know why kids shoot up schools? Its because they have no control. They want to have friends. They want a dad and a mom who gives a shit their alive. They want a god that answers prayers and a girl that thinks their amazing and a talent that gives them identity.

And none of those things existed in their lives. Not one. They went insane because they had no effect on the world around them. No power, no choice, no respite, no sanctuary. And they snapped.

And by the end all they wanted was god to answer. Or mommy to hold them. Or their peers to respect them. They wanted to begood and the world would not allow it.

Guess what? Hitler was gay. Hitlers father beat him. His mother died when he was13. His WWI comrades made fun of him. He got a bravery medal, but they never respected him. They ostracized him. He wanted to be an artist, but he was rejected from half the art schools in europe. He wanted to be a poet, and nobody would publish him. He wrote Mein Kampf alone, familyless, friendless, and cold, in a closet sized cell in prison.

You wanna call him evil now? Do you wanna curse his soul? Or do you just want to curse the universe for being unfeeling and uncaring and fucking brutal?

I hate people. I hate me. Sometimes I dont even fucking care if you know it or not.

Funny, I thought guards usually sent you a message when they edit your house or diary. Either that, or I need to write a new cellphone rant... -_-

Something has to change.
Undeniable dilemma...
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant..over..stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you
Any other way

It's just NOT ENOUGH
I NEED MORE!
Nothing seems to SATISFY!
I don't WANT IT,
I JUST NEED IT:

To breathe, to feel, to know
I'm alive!

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax,
turn around and take my hand.

I can. help you change
Tired moments into pleasure
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way...

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort deep within you
'till You will not want me
Any other way

But it's NOT ENOUGH
I NEED MORE!
Nothing seems to SATISFY!
I don't WANT IT,
I just NEED IT:

To breathe, to feel, to know
I'm alive!

Knuckle deep inside the borderline
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.....

......
Chupa, minha, pica, pichu,
Abra, salabim, kadabra, kazam
Chupa, minha, pica, pichu
Say the magic words....
......

I'M ALIVE!


Something kinda sad about
The way that things turn out to be.
Desensitized to everything,
What became of subtlety??

And...
How can it mean anything to me?
If I really don't feel a thing at all? Yet...

I'll
   KEEP
        DIGGING!!
'Till
  I
   FEEL

SOMETHING!

Re-runs!
Because I can. Gravity's Union

I flew headfirst! Into the light
Weightless, Crisscrossing-precise
In a dream- Or was it life?

Inside this door! All answers wait
So saddle up, my steed
Where the lies live, way beneath

Oh my-- I think I've made a mess
This is all my fault
It's what I wished

And I was wrong
To let you go!
I accept my mistake!!
But you will never know

This is my love--Into a
TEN
TON
Truck!!!
Baby, please
Remember the better me?

No time to change my life
In mid-air before
Our maximum reach outpaced
Apart, pictureless, retreat

A terror meets the truth
No longer who-
We now know what we must do
Shadow dance across the roof

...Contact the life- you used to know
I'm Gravity, the world in tow

And I was wrong
To let you go!
I accept my mistake!!
But you will never know

This is my love--Into a
TEN
TON
Truck!!!
Baby, please
Remember the better me?

Driver, may I sleep with you, tonight?
Numbered uncertainty! past
City limits--Soul strewn diary
The roar of the Engine won't cease!!!

All of my Love and Heart- Spilled in this car
Picture me: the perfect enemy
Our lives- Once one, colided up, then beyond
In this fatal posibility

I am yours
I am your Prise.

.. ..
We waved "welcome aboard"
We waved "welcome aboard"
We waved welcome
Aboard-aboard-aboard-aboard and
In my eyes
I
Drowned you...

*beep*.....*beep*....*beep*.....*beep*...

Has he forgotten his place?
Baited the hook, and let it sink?
No cause for alarm!!
Enter the Master:
I am Dr. Straight

Scalpel! Keep that lung in place!
Nurse! IV needs refilling!
Now watch the brain!
Responding quite normal

This Life I Can Save!

*badass blues solo, angels whispering*

Every man has a point
Where he breaks or conjoins
Among pressures that flood
To complicate

Matters close to the heart
They define who we are
Do we love? Do we hate?
We are only our fate
The meat...
Meat... meat...
...

And We understood the unmistakeable
To romantics.. On holiday
And how...
They... Stole our
Love...love....


CAGED!!!!
Locked in Perpetual Motion!
Carving our Wounds wide open!
But you let the Wrong one in!!
HA-HA! HA-haa

CAGED!!!!
(HEY, BABY)
Locked in Perpetual Motion!
(WE UNDERSTOOD!)
Carving our Wounds wide open!
(WE UNDERSTOOD!)
But you let the Wrong one in!
(YOU FORGOT IT ALL!)
Ah-HA! HA-HA

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

My lols of the day.