Caught the red eye flight back from Colorado starting at midnight.

Of a plane seating about 220 people, the only person who kept her overhead light on the entire four and a half hour flight was the bitch in front of me.

For the last hour of the flight, I had my overhead air vent (which was blowing freezing cold air) pointed right at her head.
After the flight, my mom said "you know, you could have asked the flight attendant to shut her light off, right?"
I responded, "yeah, but I got more leg room because it made her shift her seat up.

And as soon as we landed and opened the cabin door, every window (and my glasses) immediately fogged over with the sheer fucking tropical humidity of doom.

Oh I missed you, too, Florida. You brutal sauna oven fucking state. Ugh.

"If you make a starving dog prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain

2014 continues to be the year of the gold, Shiny Pokemon!

First, there was Goldberg, the shiny Onix!


Then came Goldbird, the shiny Spearow!


And now today, out of nowhere, a new gold colored Pokemon showed up on my HeartGold version! (There must be some conspiracy...)


Meet BirdAu! (Pronounced Birdaux, because he's classy as fuck)

I cannot stress enough how I used to obsess over never, EVER finding these shiny bastards over hundreds of hours of nerdy Pokemon gaming over a damn decade, and now I've found three in the past six months, and they're all the same color, which truly tests the ingenuity and creativity of my puns about the color gold. So crazy!

Look what I found in an old box of cups and china in storage!



You jelly, [Ravenclaw].

You know you jelly.

_{Unless you already have the hole set from '95, you freak...}

Fun with Dragonball-Z Memes!

You know you had a bad day when Mickey Rourke is flipping you off while Michael Madsen is staring at you.

There's a Shadow just behind me.
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.

Waiting like a stalking butler,
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder, now, the pattern must we?
Just because the Son is come?

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?
Jesus, wont you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?

Why can't we
Not be Sober?
I just want to start this over.

And why can't we
Drink forever?
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you,
Just enough to bring you down...

Mother Mary, won't you whisper
Something but to pass the time?
Mother Mary, won't you whisper
Something but to pass the time?

Why can't we
Not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
And why can't we
Sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.
Why?

...I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile...
...I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well...
...I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave...
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.

Trust me?

Why can't we
Not be sober?
I just want to start things over!
And why can't we
Sleep forever?
I just want to start this over!
And why?

I want
What I want
I want what I want
I want what I want I
Want what I
Want.

"It's the smell."



"I'm saturated with it! I must get out. Of. This. Place."

The following takes place in "No Man's Land," the partially abandoned ruins of Gotham City, following a cataclysmic earthquake.

Joker: stays in Arkham for six months, just derping around in the deserted, abandoned complex
Joker: hears singing in the walls. After a day of searching, he finds the source, a sealed door in the basement

Joker: knocks on door

Woman's voice: "Who isssss it??"

Joker: "Land shark."

Woman's voice: "Don't want any!"

Joker: "Fair enough." Goes back upstairs to rearrange furniture and form dick sculptures out of plaster

The next day

Joker: is asleep, hugging an electrocuted opposum

Singing voice in the walls: "Don't tell my heart, My achey-breaky heart. I just don't think he'll understand..."

Joker: wakes up and presses face against AC vent
"Knock it off!"

Woman's voice: "Make me!!"

Joker: returns to sealed basement door with a fire axe
"I said shut up!"

Woman's voice: "....Or it might blow up and kill this man, WOOOO!"

Joker: "That's it!"
Begins chopping down the door
THWACK

Woman: "Don't tell my--"
THWACK
"My Achey Breaky--"
THWACK
"I just don't think he'll under--"
THWACK
"Cuz if you tell my--"
THWACK
"My Achey Breaky--"
THWACK
"It might blow up and kill this man, WOOOO"

Joker: "Not Country music! Anything else!"

Woman's voice: "Don't tell my heart, my achey Breaky-"

Joker: wailing "ITS NOT FUNNY!!"

Woman: busts through mostly destroyed doorway, covered in her own shit
"YOU SAVED ME, Puddin!"

Joker: "Harley???"

Harley: humps Joker's leg

Joker: holds up axe
"I am going to split you in half if you do not silently stop doing that."

I thought there was literally no thing that could get me to care about Transformers. I didn't think any idea, whether existent or hypothetical, could get me to give one fuck about Transformers.

I was wrong.

For [Ravenclaw]

http://m.imgur.com/a/6Zl7k

I am having a good day for the most part. But in addition to Game of Thrones jumping the motherfucking shark, Skype updated on my phone.

It's now completely broken. Skype has been steadily stripped of every feature that ever made it good, for mobile users, at least.

Now it literally doesn't fucking work. There's a fuckload of things wrong with it, but in the interest of being concise, I'll only mention one single thing wrong with it.

I can't receive messages unless I have the app active on my phone. I have to actually have skype up, and nothing else. If you are messaging me while I type this, I will not get that message until the exact second I switch to skype.
And even if I am actively skyping you, there's roughly a 30-60 second delay on posts.

Skype is no longer an instant messenger. It's fucking email.
Skype, the most popular voice and text messenger on the internet, now has a 2.3 out of 5 star rating on iTunes. Which means people are fucking furious and bombarding skype with 1 star reviews by the hundreds. This is the second time this has happened in the past year.

Fuck my life.

Fuck you, writers and producers of Game of Thrones.

You know what you did. Up to this point, you've killed FIVE fucking characters that didn't die in the books.

You have THREE major plots in your show that didn't happen in the books.

You have ignored at least FIVE major plots that are in the book.

Season one was perfect.

Season two was perfect.

Season three was almost perfect.

Season four?

YOU DONE FUCKED IT UP.

Sometimes I miss wrestling.

Stalking a Deathclaw with the Fatman!
Fallout 3: $20.00 on Steam
Installation time spent: 4 hours
Number of hacks and mods required to make the fucking game work: 5

Mini-Nuking Deathclaws in the dick?



PRICELESS


  

 

For [Piercedskull]

Why don't you ask the kids at Tiananmen Square,
Was "Fashion" the reason why they were there?

They disguise it,
Hypnotize it,
Television
Made you buy it

and
I'm just sitting
in my car, and
Waiting for my;She's scared that I will
Take her away from here. In
Her dreams that her country's
Left with no one there...

Mezmerize the
Simple minded
Propaganda
Leaves us blinded

and
I'm just sitting
in my car and
Waiting for my girl


and
I'm just sitting
in my car and
Waiting for my







 

Because sometimes things just happen when you least expect it.
Meet Goldbird, who came as a late birthday present less than a month after Goldberg the Steelix (formerly Onix) came into my life. Makes all those years of wanting another shiny Pokemon worth it!

PS. Tell [shadow of darkness] to suck it!

In a perfect world.

In a perfect world.

I have a suggestion.

When you're having a good day, and you're by yourself... You're feeling thoughtful ... Introspective... Maybe even vulnerable. You do something calming... Meditation, have a drink.. Think about yourself, your feelings, in particular. Your fantasies, your more... base desires...

Watch Natural Born Killers. It should give you a lot to think about .