In the interest of not being a melodramatic douche, I can say something positive about a joyful thing in my life

"Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" is the greatest non-fiction show ever.

Also! For humor purposes:

It is literally, I shit you not, possible to fast forward my AT&T Uverse DVR using the rewind button.
Here's how!

There are four speeds of rewind or fast forward on the remote control. The DVR actually tries to compensate for your reaction speed when you press play.
For example, if you fast forward through commercials, the DVR will actually start playing again anywhere from a point 10 seconds to a full 2 minutes and 30 fucking seconds prior to the frame of video you pressed play on.

As a person who is a complete fucking badass at pressing play at the precisely correct point on a DVD or DVR, this is fucking maddening. I've basically learned to fast forward a good 20 seconds into a show while skipping commercials (roughly 3-4 frames of the show shown during fast forward PAST the end of the commercials.)

Being an internet-aholic, I often surf the web while watching tv, and divide my attention between the two. Sometimes I need to rewind the TV to catch what someone was saying because I missed it.

Just now, while watching Last Week, I repeatedly tried to rewind to the start of the news segment. Each time I hit play, the fucking thing skipped ahead from where I pressed play. I, being pissed off, used a faster rewind speed each time I tried to get back to the start of the segment.

I swear to god, pressing ONLY rewind and play, I fast forwarded 2:50 seconds ahead in the tape.

Uverse is dumb. But still better than my previous provider

#ComcastIsTheGreatSatan
#ComcastIsPureEvil
#ComcastIsLiterallyTryingToMakeYouPayForEachWebsiteIndividually
#UsingHashtagsForComedicPurposesOutsideofTwitter

How do you tell a friend you are pissed at her for a kinda dumb reason and not sound like a melodramatic douche?

How do you tell a close friend of yourself who never talks to you for more than 5 minutes a week , even though you have feelings for each other... When she has an abusive family who exploits her.. That she's a fucking jerk for never taking your feelings into consideration, or ever letting you be the one to vent?

How do you even trust women when every single fucking one you have ever cared about in any capacity has either
1)abandoned you
2) cheated on you
3) stopped talking to you
4) used you
4) subjected you to years of torment
Or some combination of the 3?

#single for two years and I ain't even sorry about it

Fuck.

How do you tell a friend you are pissed at her for a kinda dumb reason and not sound like a melodramatic douche?

How do you tell a close friend of yourself who never talks to you for more than 5 minutes a week , even though you have feelings for each other... When she has an abusive family who exploits her.. That she's a fucking jerk for never taking your feelings into consideration, or ever letting you be the one to vent?

How do you even trust women when every single fucking one you have ever cared about in any capacity has either
1)abandoned you
2) cheated on you
3) stopped talking to you
4) used you
4) subjected you to years of torment
Or some combination of the 3?

#single for two years and I ain't even sorry about it

Fuck.

How do you tell a friend you are pissed at her for a kinda dumb reason and not sound like a melodramatic douche?

How do you tell a close friend of yourself who never talks to you for more than 5 minutes a week , even though you have feelings for each other... When she has an abusive family who exploits her.. That she's a fucking jerk for never taking your feelings into consideration, or ever letting you be the one to vent?

How do you even trust women when every single fucking one you have ever cared about in any capacity has either
1)abandoned you
2) cheated on you
3) stopped talking to you
4) used you
4) subjected you to years of torment
Or some combination of the 3?

#single for two years and I ain't even sorry about it

Fuck.

How do you tell a friend you are pissed at her for a kinda dumb reason and not sound like a melodramatic douche?

How do you tell a close friend of yourself who never talks to you for more than 5 minutes a week , even though you have feelings for each other... When she has an abusive family who exploits her.. That she's a fucking jerk for never taking your feelings into consideration, or ever letting you be the one to vent?

How do you even trust women when every single fucking one you have ever cared about in any capacity has either
1)abandoned you
2) cheated on you
3) stopped talking to you
4) used you
4) subjected you to years of torment
Or some combination of the 3?

#single for two years and I ain't even sorry about it

Fuck.

How do you tell a friend you are pissed at her for a kinda dumb reason and not sound like a melodramatic douche?

How do you tell a close friend of yourself who never talks to you for more than 5 minutes a week , even though you have feelings for each other... When she has an abusive family who exploits her.. That she's a fucking jerk for never taking your feelings into consideration, or ever letting you be the one to vent?

How do you even trust women when every single fucking one you have ever cared about in any capacity has either
1)abandoned you
2) cheated on you
3) stopped talking to you
4) used you
4) subjected you to years of torment
Or some combination of the 3?

#single for three years and I ain't even sorry about it

Fuck.

An adaptation of "Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came" by Robert Browning.

"Knight Rolan finds the Dark Tower"

My first thought was that he lied in every word
That ugly cripple with his hateful eyes
Turned to build his web of lies
Planned to curse me, his mouth couldn't hide his smile
That cut and hungered
Excited that I had happened by

What else was he there for?
What else but to trick and trap us?
All of us who found him at the crossroads
I'm sure, we all heard him laugh
As he sent us to our dooms
for fun on that dirty path

If I did as he asked
And turned where he pointed
That path, everyone knows, hides The Dark Tower
Yet I willingly went the way he pointed
I wasn't proud to go, and I had no hope
I knew it was the End, but I was truly glad to be on my way there

Because I have wandered the entire world, so long
My search has gone on for years, and my hope
Was so dead, it had no ghost, even
But I was glad, against my own will, then
I didn't even try to fight the feeling
That I was very glad to fail my quest

I was like a man on his death bed
No hope of recovery, and feeling death approaching
I could almost hear the farewells of my friends, and see their tears
Hear them tell me it's okay to go, and draw one more breath
It's a relief, knowing the fatal blow can't be survived
And not holding any false hopes

Some at the wake feel brave enough
To think about death and it's meaning
Such reflection is the best emotion for burying a corpse
With all the banners, and trumpets, and saluting men
And yet the dead man hears all of this, at his funereal
And is so moved, and touched, that he would turn down the chance to live again
Since it would make all this honor and honest love shown here for nothing

So then, having suffered for so long in my quest
Everyone expected me to fail. So many have failed before
So many times our proud knights, believed they could
Find the Dark Tower, so many times they searched
It was only fair, and only fitting that I fail too
The only doubt was: Would I be as honorable as they were?

So, I was solemn and quiet
When I turned away from the Man in Black, and followed his highway
I walked the way he pointed, all day
Until sunset made twilight
and there was just one last band of red sunset light in the sky

And look!!! No sooner than full dark fallen
That I looked back the way I had came
And found it just as grey and black as the way I was going
So I continued on the path, I had no choice now
I could never go back to the crossroads again

So onward I went, and I think I have never seen in my life
Such barely alive, starved, ugly plants all around. Nothing thrived!
I expected flowers! Maybe a grove of pleasant trees?
But no! Only thorns, and weeds, and dead grass grew here
The ugliest forest, not a single man would find it beautiful
So ugly, that I would have preferred a sea of sawgrass and burrs

No!, I was grim and so was the land: dead, and dead quiet.
It was as if the wilderness was spiting me, saying
"Look at me! Do your best to like me,
Only the wrath of God's Final Judgment can cleanse this diseased land
Only God's Mercy can set my prisoners free!"

And it was so flat, perfectly so
It seemed that any thornbush that dared to grow above the rest was cut down
And the trees seemed battered and beaten, as if by furious fists
Bruised and drooping were the leaves and branches
Some monster must have the one,specific job
To torture the very landscape

The grass was a thin as human hair
It seemed to bleed into the mud, like ooze
And then I saw it
A lone horse, with white, blind eyes
Was standing in the field, and I never saw him come upon me until
He was already there. Guant, all his ribs and bones showing
Like the Devil's own steed put out to pasture

Was the horse alive, or dead? I have no clue
With it's red neck straining, it lowered it's head
And hid it's eyes from me with a blood red mane
It was so grotesque, and so sad
And I hated that horse
How evil was that horse? To deserve such a fate?

I shut my eyes then, and gathered my courage
Like a man who drinks heavily to weaken his anxiety and fear
If I could have any drink, I'd drink in a better view
I was old, but I could still play my part here
My mind was sharp, and a true warrior thinks before he acts
Wise, Brave, Honorable, all would be well, if I was those

But my memory betrayed me!
I thought of my friend Cuthbert, I could see his golden blond hair!
I remembered how he'd carry me from the tavern
With one arm, When I was too drunk to carry myself
He'd do it in such a way that I could stumble out with as much dignity as possible
And all that courage I summoned a moment before died right in that moment

I thought of Giles, the epitome of the Honorable Man
I saw him as stout and strong as he was ten years ago
When he first was knighted
"What an honest man dared to do," he said "An honest man does!"
But I remember his end, just as well
Hanging from the gallows, his head bent to read the sign hung on him
TRAITOR -- Poor Giles, spit upon and cursed

But I felt that this present moment was better than that past
So I turned and continued again on my dark and blackened path
I heard nothing, all silent. I could not see no matter how I squinted
I hoped for a bat's chirp, an owls hoot
Anything to end the silence, when I stopped
Finding something different in my way

It surprised me, like the sudden appearance of a snake
The river wound along, not slow or sluggish
It rushed and frothed bubbles,
A rapids, tearing like a demon
Black, with flecks and flakes of white

So pitiful and weak were the willows that hung over it
Bushes reaching their spindly roots for the black water
They seemed like grieving widows
More ready to drown themselves to death in the stream
Instead of drinking from it
And the river didn't care one way or the other about it

I crossed that river, walking through that water
Terrified to step on a dead man's face
Or worse, That I could not see into the deep, but I felt something move
It felt like maybe I speared an otter
But whatever died gave a child's shriek

Overjoyed I was, to reach the other riverbank
Now for better country! Or so I had hoped...
A battlefield, razed flat lay before me
What fighters beat the land into a dead flat nothingness
Poisoned, and barren. How fierce they must have been!

The fight must have been it's own hell, or chaos
Who forced them all here? To fight exactly here when nothingness was all around
I could not find the marching trail that led to the slaughter
And no footprints led back out of the battlefield after
Insanity must have caused this
Brainwashed masses killing
Like Christian's, Muslims, Jews crusading each other all at once

And what were these engines of war? These siege machines
That tore all these men to pieces here?
With no decorum, or chivalry done in the field
Men were fed to rusty teeth of steel!

After that the settings, still in darkness of night
Seemed to blur together
A small thicket, then a swamp, then just flat dirt again
Before I begged for change of scenery
Now every empty and desolate type of wilderness made me more
Frustrated, angry, then somber and depressed. No cheer

Sometimes it was a shallow marsh
But sometimes I saw moss, or fungus struggling to grow
I saw a, perhaps, once strong oak
Now sagging and grey and half dead
A huge gash in the trunk looked like a mouth to me
lips stretching and gurgling in a death rattle

I thought I was just as far as ever from the End,
When a great black winged beast flew overhead
Like a dragon, so great he blew my hat from my head
I was glad to see that monster!
Surely he was the Angel of the Abyss
Come to direct me to the gates of Hades

And looking about then, I noticed I had somehow reached a plateau
All around me were mountains of black stone
Great, twisted crags of rock
And let me tell you!
I had no idea how I was going to cross them

I think, then, I should have recognized the trick
What devil's mischief this was, God only knows
When I was just about ready to give up, so weary
I had found hope in progress!
And the jaws of this trap did finally snap shut

It dawned on me, in great awe and wonder then
That I was actually here! It was here!
Just beyond the next range
Two great peaks of stone, like bulls horns curved
And just beside, a high hill!
Stupid I felt, like an idiot
That I didn't se IT there, first thing!
When I had been looking for this all my long life

What was there, but the Tower itself?
A round, flat tower, I was so blind not to see it
Built of brownstone, with no equal
No castle like this in the whole world
And I was like a sailor who only notices the sandbar
When his ship is already crashing into it

Did I not see it because the night was so dark?
No, the sunset had returned!
Maybe just to make the sharp mountain peaks
Like the spears of savage game hunters, saying
"Look there! One more creature to stab and slay!"

And how could I not hear it?
Bells ringing, deafening to my ears
Choirs singing the names of all my peers!!
How this one was so strong, and this one so bold!
And one was lucky! But in the end, none escaped fate
All of them LOST! In that moment I felt the grief, all at once
Of all those years

And I saw them then, standing in line along the hills
All of the heroes stood there, to see the very last of me:
A living man.
And I saw them all there, and I knew each of their names, and remembered all their faces
As they stood in the sheeted flame of sunset.
Unafraid! I drew the horn to my lips, and I blew!
"I AM ROLAND! I HAVE COME TO THE DARK TOWER!"

In preview of upcoming Wild Card parts, ;)

Elf Power, New Mexico

Thank God! You're still angry at me,
I've got a better chance at seeing you dead and buried! Yet,

Thank her, for this one last, big mistake:
It's your turn! Come shoot for it!
If you win, well... you can lead the way. And yet

Take mid-day subway,
into New Jersey, and
Did you think maybe,
I was doing quite well?
Without you in the frame?

Still, you killed in defense!
I can't believe you're cold here afterward
I'm giving you up, go on, fly somewhere new!
Til' then pretend,
Your touch knows what you'll ask her
I'm willing to forget, go on, find why you knew!

Dear Jaqi what...
What if I could have found a better half here in you?
Oh Jaqi I'm here...
in Elf Power.

New Mexico
Elf Power, New Mexico.

Stray here, in our last standing hourglass
Circumstance
Devoted here in the midst of wary eyes!
Lost and buried here, is your big surprise...
Again I say

Will your fingers find my bag?
Familiar
In fits, in the pages, in the questions that I had to ask...
Did you think maybe
I was doing quite well?
Without you in the frame?

Still, you killed in defense!
I can't believe you're 'fraid here afterward
I'm giving you up, go on! Do what she told you to!
Til' then pretend,
Your touch knows what it all means
Be willing to trust, go on, find why you knew!

Dear Jaqi, what...
What if I could have found a better end here in you?
Oh Jaqi here...
In Elf Power, New Mexico/

Smile!
Turn around, you are home,
Smile! Turn around,

I'll give my words on one page:

"Good God! Before I heard this is Your intention,
Before I could have figured out
Its over and over, over and over again.

See there's boy and girl, in innocent merger
Absence
Does it make the heart grow fonder?"
Then
"Thank God!
They have recovered your soul in New Mexico
Three days you're spoiling there.

I miss you in every way! Every day
You could have been, Dear
Wish you were here!
Still in the frame..."

Still, you killed in defense!
I can't believe you're quit here afterward
Don't give up, go on! Say it true!
Til' then pretend,
Your touch knows I forgot your face
I'm willing to Repent, go on! We're doing this for you!

Dear Jaqi, what...
What if I could have found a better half, here in you?
Oh Jaqi here, in Elf Power,
New Mexico

Seems like some messages I send ppl don't get. Or, some people are just notorious for not reading their messages. I dunno. *shrug*

All right, I can resume writing the ending today ^__^ mwahaha

These are the days,
The End Complete
A world still turning to the sound of their Suffering
You are our Jury, we are the Saints...

Our minds divide,
The Past repeats
The world is brewing in the hearts of those we once bled
I am the Knowing, the Living Dead

Dig deeper! Remember
All that you've been! And all you've left behind!
Wave goodbye, my dear.
Dig deeper! Remember
All that you've been, and all you've left behind!
Welcome Home, my dear.

Here, no Words to say
The worst display
What once was courage is no cursed in the Hurt we've made.
We are the Sinners before our Grave!

"Now leave in peace!
Your dead unsaved!
The world's still turning on a path towards the End of Days"
Now spite me Jury. We've come for change!

Dig deeper! Remember
All that you've been! And all you've left behind!
Wave goodbye, my dear.
Dig deeper! Remember
All that you've been, and all you've left behind!
Welcome Home, my dear.

Mother, I'm living proof that Never
Is just around the corner,
A ghost!
To walk the End designed
For you and I....

"No one will ever know."
Sigh.
"No one will ever know."


WE are the fate of Heaven! The call of Justice!
WE are now waiting, while
You wish us away with your plans, and pray for deliverance!
Well, this is no safe haven!

GOD He will not save you
   IS NOT He will not save you
      HERE!! He will not save you from this!

You've been stealing my lines!
NOW Go on living your lies,
On your knees you will find
You'll face your Jury in Hell!

WE are the fate of Sinners! The call of Justice!
We are all coming, and
You wish us away with travails and repentance!
Won't save your soul from Satan!

GOD He will not save you
   IS NOT He will not save you
      HERE!! He will not save you from this!

You've been stealing my lines!
NOW go on living your lies
For on your knees you will find
You'll face your Jury in Hell!

These are our Days
The End Complete
The world is turning to the sound of the Suffering
You are our Jury, we are the Saints...

Dig deeper! Remember
All you've been, and all you've left behind
Wave goodbye, my dear.
Dig deeper! Remember
All that you've been, and all you've left behind!
Welcome Home, my dear.

You were the Magic
That turned a Curse in time!
You were the beauty
That we had to leave behind...

No! No!
Bye-Bye!
Woah, we'll sing for you...

We're going to get you, my love
We're going to get you, my love
No, no.
Let your Rabbit go run
We're going to get you, my love
No, no.
Let your Rabbit go run.
We're going to get you, my love.

No, stem cell research is not abortion.


...Children...
Right wing fundamentalist propaganda is bad, mmmk?

Caught the red eye flight back from Colorado starting at midnight.

Of a plane seating about 220 people, the only person who kept her overhead light on the entire four and a half hour flight was the bitch in front of me.

For the last hour of the flight, I had my overhead air vent (which was blowing freezing cold air) pointed right at her head.
After the flight, my mom said "you know, you could have asked the flight attendant to shut her light off, right?"
I responded, "yeah, but I got more leg room because it made her shift her seat up.

And as soon as we landed and opened the cabin door, every window (and my glasses) immediately fogged over with the sheer fucking tropical humidity of doom.

Oh I missed you, too, Florida. You brutal sauna oven fucking state. Ugh.

"If you make a starving dog prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain

2014 continues to be the year of the gold, Shiny Pokemon!

First, there was Goldberg, the shiny Onix!


Then came Goldbird, the shiny Spearow!


And now today, out of nowhere, a new gold colored Pokemon showed up on my HeartGold version! (There must be some conspiracy...)


Meet BirdAu! (Pronounced Birdaux, because he's classy as fuck)

I cannot stress enough how I used to obsess over never, EVER finding these shiny bastards over hundreds of hours of nerdy Pokemon gaming over a damn decade, and now I've found three in the past six months, and they're all the same color, which truly tests the ingenuity and creativity of my puns about the color gold. So crazy!

Look what I found in an old box of cups and china in storage!



You jelly, [Ravenclaw].

You know you jelly.

_{Unless you already have the hole set from '95, you freak...}

Fun with Dragonball-Z Memes!

You know you had a bad day when Mickey Rourke is flipping you off while Michael Madsen is staring at you.

There's a Shadow just behind me.
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.

Waiting like a stalking butler,
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder, now, the pattern must we?
Just because the Son is come?

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?
Jesus, wont you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?

Why can't we
Not be Sober?
I just want to start this over.

And why can't we
Drink forever?
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you,
Just enough to bring you down...

Mother Mary, won't you whisper
Something but to pass the time?
Mother Mary, won't you whisper
Something but to pass the time?

Why can't we
Not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
And why can't we
Sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.
Why?

...I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile...
...I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well...
...I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave...
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.

Trust me?

Why can't we
Not be sober?
I just want to start things over!
And why can't we
Sleep forever?
I just want to start this over!
And why?

I want
What I want
I want what I want
I want what I want I
Want what I
Want.

"It's the smell."



"I'm saturated with it! I must get out. Of. This. Place."

The following takes place in "No Man's Land," the partially abandoned ruins of Gotham City, following a cataclysmic earthquake.

Joker: stays in Arkham for six months, just derping around in the deserted, abandoned complex
Joker: hears singing in the walls. After a day of searching, he finds the source, a sealed door in the basement

Joker: knocks on door

Woman's voice: "Who isssss it??"

Joker: "Land shark."

Woman's voice: "Don't want any!"

Joker: "Fair enough." Goes back upstairs to rearrange furniture and form dick sculptures out of plaster

The next day

Joker: is asleep, hugging an electrocuted opposum

Singing voice in the walls: "Don't tell my heart, My achey-breaky heart. I just don't think he'll understand..."

Joker: wakes up and presses face against AC vent
"Knock it off!"

Woman's voice: "Make me!!"

Joker: returns to sealed basement door with a fire axe
"I said shut up!"

Woman's voice: "....Or it might blow up and kill this man, WOOOO!"

Joker: "That's it!"
Begins chopping down the door
THWACK

Woman: "Don't tell my--"
THWACK
"My Achey Breaky--"
THWACK
"I just don't think he'll under--"
THWACK
"Cuz if you tell my--"
THWACK
"My Achey Breaky--"
THWACK
"It might blow up and kill this man, WOOOO"

Joker: "Not Country music! Anything else!"

Woman's voice: "Don't tell my heart, my achey Breaky-"

Joker: wailing "ITS NOT FUNNY!!"

Woman: busts through mostly destroyed doorway, covered in her own shit
"YOU SAVED ME, Puddin!"

Joker: "Harley???"

Harley: humps Joker's leg

Joker: holds up axe
"I am going to split you in half if you do not silently stop doing that."

I thought there was literally no thing that could get me to care about Transformers. I didn't think any idea, whether existent or hypothetical, could get me to give one fuck about Transformers.

I was wrong.