This is an odd feeling for me
Believing i can serve myself
hell believing in myself
its strange
I've only ever believed in the strength of another
to help me
and I know that is selfish
but
that how I always thought
if they are strong
I can be strong for them
Maybe
I was wrong
maybe I can be strong without a Master
But I'd still rather not leave You,
I love You.
Serving,
Something I have always done well
the only real thing I can do well
Take that away and what am I?
I am human
I am a woman
I am an artist
But I have lost my core
Acts of hospitality
that counts as serving
that is my "god givin gift"
Hospitality and mercy
both to serve another
To serve You.
Drifting in and out of consciousness
I raise my head
I look around
nothing has changed
The music is different
It is still dark
still warm
I drift back into dream world
I know I should be
doing anything else
anything productive
but yet,
I still sleep
My dreams
I cant hold onto one form
either they are rather normal
but they change rapidly
to something of a fantasy novel
and I still seep
I fade in and out
the music
I have heard this before
I shoud be doing something
I sigh
why?
I fade back into sleep
sleep is nice
sleep is worry free
sleep, cry, stress, sleep
sleep
the wind whispers around me
I look to the sky
I remember what He said
to my frail female form earlier in the day
He asked
Is it really because of the sky
Or rather becasue we must look up
to see it?
Even in this form
with the wind around me
with the balance of nature deep in my bones
in my spirit
I still seek to serve
I am not alpha by any means
and even in a pack
There is dominance
and subordinance
I am submissive
to Him always
To look up
at Him
to look up
at my moon goddess
to serve
always serving
always
Master, even when I am healed
Which I know will happen
I have no doubts
You heal me much already
But even when I am healed
Weh I may leave
I still wish to serve
You and Mistress
You and the human girl
For as long as You will keep me.
This feeling I have Master
Its hard to discribe
Its so wonderful
so calming
so me
Remember when I said You fulfilled in me
a role
that I had wanted for a long time
I got the feeling again
that I want to announce this to the world
that You are Master
that I am pet
am loved
and protected
and wanted
and I serve
and I love it
it pleases me
to serve
Well I got that feeling again
and I can't wait to talk to You about it
I hope You understand what this means to me
I love You.
Pacing
Talking
walking
writing
loving
needing
wanting
fearing
Master wasn't around today
until very late
it scared me
And His phone
is still lost
I miss His soft voice
I wish I could talk to Him
Curling into my spot on the floor
I feel submissive
I am down here
because in my own mind
I don't belong up there
I am a pet
I trust and believe in my Master
but right now
I feel the floor is the best place for me.
besides
the kittens are down here
my beautiful kittens
Now when Master isn't around
for me to take care of
I can take care of them
and I'll still feel worth it
I smile to myself
and let the kittens cuddle with me.
I just wish
--nevermind.
Kneeling down
He takes my chin
Directs my gaze to Him
I smile
He is wonderful
Tracing a finger over my neck
and throat
He asks me to lift my hair
I do obediently
from a small box He removes
a thin coller
I've warn it before
only for special ocassions
But I love it so much
a small red heart
with His name engraved
marks me as His
I love the feeling of its weight on my throat
I belong to Him
I want to be His forever
I want to please Him
I want to love Him
I want Him to see
I will stand by Him
Forever.
I'm doing it again
i need to stop
stop thinking like a woman
I'm only going to push Him away
I'm only going to hurt me
Hurt Him
Gods
But I know
I know
She will hurt Him
She's jsut that way...
I don't want that
and I know I am jealous
Gods... so jealous
but... if He was truly
going to be happy
then maybe I wouldn't mind
But she's going to end up hurting Him
She's already broken me
Calming myself I transform
in this form I no longer care
no longer care of the human woman
I am just a kin to Him now
She can do what she wants
I am here to serve Him...
I remember the words He give me
I say them even as I find a nice hill
To howl
To cry out from
I say them over and over
I am a good girl
I am His pet...
Naught more.
Curling into my tail
I rest
my rest isn't calm
but it's better than nothing
My dreams don't help
I am angered
I am saddened
I hate...
with a passion
She's my friend though
she wouldn't do that if she was...
My mind wanters..
I am restless...
Sleep hasn't been good
for my mind
for my body
I wake up as sore as I would be
if I had run a lond distance
through the forest
or been mounted the night before
by two or three males..
my rest isn't complete
my rest... is just to get away...
there is no point...
I try to eat again
But it's no use...
I am not hungry, again
I lap at some water...
That will be enough for now...
I hope...
Stumbling
I lose my way again
do I really have a destination
no
Why should I?
I am a lone wolf again
My stomach is empty again
but my food is down river
my stomach couldn't handle it
This shouldn't happen
Its never been written that way
Nothing could ever prepare me
for something like this
Imprinting..
Him
with another
and not just anyone
She doesn't even realize she's wolf..
I don't even know if she is
Her human form
is too great
maybe this is Imprinting
Maybe to create better wolves
one needs a human
Growling
I continue to stagger
Why her
Why now
What is wrong with me?
I look up
The moon is only half
it doesn't matter
it gives me enough comfort
Comfort I am lacking again
I am a lone wolf yet again
there is no place for me here
I sit back and cry
I cry for the moon to help
I cry for someone out there
Maybe someone will hear me
Maybe someone will love me
I cry and cry
I am lonely
I hurt
Moon goddess... I hurt
Help me
please!
______________
Kneeling, the earth tears into me.
I am putting too much weight on it,
lifting...
As it should be.
And gently, in my hands, draped across me,
fur. I imagine it a thousand needles, piercing
that I may carry her home.
Whimpering, whining softly.
Absently, rub her collar.
Vaguely aware, into bed.
Kneel down, scratching her ears, nuzzling her.
Drape around her, tail-over-nose
and finally, sleep....
hope
wait
______________
Sometime in the night I must have fallen asleep
I don't remember
I don't recall much lately though
I guess that just comes hand in hand
with this... emptiness...
I feel warm...
Lazily I open my eyes..
I'd rather stay dreaming
In my dreams seem to be the only place I am at peace anymore
In my dreams things are...
different
I realize I am in His bed...
I hear myself whimper...
I throw my head back
Toward what would be the sky...
But I can't cry out..
Not here...
Gods... help me...
The pain of being here, next to Him is too great
But leaving hurts even more
I am torn...
But I leave anyway...
if only to cry out in the night some more...
Because that's all I can do
Nothing will change it
I can only cry...
My long, lonely... heartbroken howls.
( A note about this one, it was written... and replied to... thats the middle part... and then I responded)
Fire
Fire burns
Fire destroys
Fire kills
But
Fire also warms
Fire saves
Fire is love
Fire is loss
So why is it fire is shown as many things?
Why does it have many definitions?
Same with love
Love burns
Love destroys
Love kills
Love
Love warms
Love saves
Love is loss
Love is fire.
Time
its so elusive
In this form
I don't even notice
why should I?
Time is different for everyone
is it now
and it should pass differently
when one sleeps
One does not just forget hours of time
time changes
its inherent in everyone
the time one a clock
the hands and face
the shadow of a sundile
all human
that isnt time
time is
inherent
instinct
belonging to oneself only
He's done so much for me
I wish He could understand
-I think he does
No... understand is the wrong word
I wish..
even just once
He could feel... for a fleeting moment
all of what I feel for Him
all the good He's already done for me
even if I can't hope to have that feeling stay with Him
I wish He could feel it...
I am already so endebted to Him
I already have learned a lot
even if I feel
down sometimes
I really have learned from Him
oh so much
I just...
I wish He could understand
through words
through sex
through my lips brushing His
or my poems that don't make sense
something...
fleeting
something... wonderful
even if He has to push it away
even if it is just another piece of art
not the one He is looking for
But for one moment
for that piece to catch His eye...
for Him to realize the feelings of that piece
it would make me happy...
That I could instil that feeling for a fleeting second
then maybe I could believe
that one day..
someone could look at this piece of art
longer than the artist who fixed me would.
That would be an accomplishment
I Cuddle close
Reciet my new mantra
for Him
I feel peaceful
I feel balanced
Closing my eyes I beging to feel
A change
I embrace it
I love it...
My wolf
He is a wolf now too..
I can tell without opening my eyes
The shimmer in the air before He turned..
and the link... between our minds..
ever stronger
I know He knows me
inside and out when we are like this
and after that mantra..
I am to serve Him
but I do not fear
I love Him
I trust Him
In my helplessness
I am safe
Because its Master
Not someone who wishes me harm
Master. Only Master.
I will serve
Until He releases me
I will serve Him
and be happy
I yip contentedly
and lick His face
but for now...
we sleep
Our heartbeats
Forever in time
Our breathing
steady
My life...
His,
For now.
I looks at Him
We are both human
I see beauty
grace
I cling to Him
I want Him to
No
I banish the thought
He does..
Thats all I need
but sometimes..
No!
Please... just
No more!
This is enough..
just hold Him
Just love Him
Its all you can do
Its all I can do
Yes...
Just hold Him
Starting awake
I feel a loss
A deep void... of one missing
Master didn't know him
He wouldn't feel this now
I am alone in my sorrow
I sit back
and let forth a heart wrenching cry
my song was mine alone
I had to get it out
to move on
to be able to please
the wolf I wanted to most
to be able to please Him.
My love
my lover
my imprint...
no..
not imprint
a wolf cannot imprint with another
can it?
maybe just my lover
my love
my Master
my friend...
I still have other friends.
Yawning I wake up
He is next to me
Still asleep
or at least I think He is
I can feel His thoughts
Read His dreams?
He's peaceful, that much I can tell
His thoughts have balance
His thoughts comfort me
He is always there for me
Even thinking, even in my human form
Reading, I think His thoughts
I am calmed by Him
I snuggle back close to Him.
I wait for Him to awaken to hear His commands
but until then
I will just listen.
Sniffing the air I realize I'm back in this form.
This is so much more natural
I feel in balance... peace
except not peace like humans think of it
oh no..
Who would want that
Peace.. is balance...
in this form, no matter my emotions, I am balanced
I begin to think about balance
I am calmed
I lay in the grass..
When I close my eyes I see His..
I start awake
I thought He was supposed to be human right now.
Its not that I /didn't/ want to see Him
It was just a suprise
an unexpected suprise
not connecting right away
I let my mind wander back to peace
back to slumber
back to Him
His eyes
My trust
Focusing my energy on myself instead of letting it fuel my anger I start to calm...
He's back from His errands already... He doesn't speak... He waits..
Inside me another fire grows I focus on that
I close my eyes and focus on that...
in my anger I cannot change
well, thats a lie, I cannot change /back/
I seek my human fire
I hear Him breathing quietly... still in His regal wolf form
I am angry... I don't even want Him in the same form as me
and yet... I need Him
I shake the thoughts from my head...
I go back to the golden fire burning
Seeing my human form...
I embrace it..
I am still to angry..
with a huff I move farther away from Him
Settling down I find mysef again
i can't say my true form
I belong to both
but my form I want to be right now
I grasp it
I feel a shimmer in the air just as I begin my transformation back
"Dammit"
I start to run...
He is faster... in human form as well... I concede...
He comes up quietly behind me
Wrapping His arms around my naked body
I struggle a bit
But this is what I want
'No,' something in my mind cries out... but dies
comfort... even from someone I can never have..
is better than my lonely howls.
I growl and snap... I am pacing by myself... There wasn't much of a pack to begin with... but right now the pack is gone... Correction, He is gone... 'Some pack' I think to myself... I snarl and tear the bark from trees... I think about the things He says... it only makes me angry..
Imprinting... its a lie
Maybe life would be easier if I could just look at someone and know they belong to me
and I to them
But I can't know if someone is right for me by looking at them anymore than I can know for sure that I'd like a painting over a granite statue..
I see a rabbit... its done nothing... but my anger has made me hungry
I strike
though after I get done taking out my anger... there isn't much to eat
If He comes back right now... I'll lash at Him, god I wish I had His throat
But he will command me again...
The Alpha is law..
There's no way for me to escape that..
And I don't want to hurt Him...
Just whipe His smug expression to Hel
I growl... then leaning back on my haunches I howl... a long, lost, lonely howl.