Dilandau wants to take her Test! I just hope she survives. It would be terrible if she didn't. Especially for her. I wouldn't want to fail mine, and I almost did! Yes, i did take my own Test. My char nearly went insane! Luckily, she was able to hold on, but she really does not like being reminded of that ordeal. And nor do I, really! Though if anyone who knows about Dragonlance asks, I may tell them what happened.

I miss Raistlin. I miss the old Nikki. I miss the Carl I knew. I miss Danni. I miss the Drow, and I ache for her. I miss my old friends. I even miss Gilthanas, who I've only known for a very little while. But missing people gets me nowhere. I have to find a way to live even without the people I miss. But I hate being alone! So very alone. I've been alone ever since I've become a teenager, and I'm sick and tired of it! Being alone, without hope of understanding. Then, Raistlin understood. He knew how I was, knew what I wanted, what I needed. Now he only answers when I really need him. But what about me needing him because I'm so alone, so pained? How can I tell him those things? How can I tell him that I miss him so much? He might think that I'm trying to be something else, not his friend, or that I'm trying to play on his emotions. But I need him! I need my friend. I want all of them, but I need him. I need him because he understands, and because he is strong enough to last through his pain. I don't think I am. Why must he only answer when I'm totally broken?

Ouch, that hurt. Still does, but I think I can live again. Now that spot is just empty, empty, empty. And aching. She won't care, though, so why bother? But I don't want to hurt the others here, though I think they'd be happier in the long run if I did leave.

The Drow apparently doesn't care a whit about me, or me leaving Elftown. That's one too many times of being hurt. So I will leave. After all, what's the point of staying? The two people that I thought I knew really well are gone. The two people who I cared so much about, and who I thought cared about me, are gone. One really, the other merely not caring. It hurt so very much when Raistlin left. This hurts less immediately, but I can feel the ache starting already from the place the Drow used to fill. Why this happens, I don't know. Why she didn't tell me earlier, I don't know. But what I do know is that if anyone else does this, I might very well die on the spot. I had a few dreams about the Sorceress, Raistlin, and myself laughing and talking together. That dream is totally shattered. I wish she cared just a little. But she doesn't. All that time of waiting eagerly for the time she gets on is wasted, worse than wasted. At least waste doesn't hurt this much. But anyone who is reading this, please don't blame the Drow. She is right - we do not agree on many things. I just wish she could accept that and try to care anyway.

Well, Gilthanas is really nice. Pretty fun to talk to. Baaaad grammar, though. Doesn't matter, really, but still. Might as well mention it. Elfboy hasn't been on since I talked to him, but patience is ever the elven way. "Patience in everything."

Elfboy is the greatest help that The Dragonlancers Company can get, I'll bet. He's really nice for doing this stuff. Or at least offering to do it. I had no clue he was a Dragonlancer! Who would have thought! They're popping up everywhere!

And he and Jewl are either really acting, or they like each other. Enough to show it in front of everyone in chat-form.

We played Horseshoes today with metal shoes. It was pretty fun with practice, but I felt kind of downcast for a while, because as usual I'm NEVER better than someone else. One of the others is ALWAYS beating me at a particular something. It gets annoying very fast. And frustrating. The only thing that I am better at than anyone else in my small family is poetry, and what use is that? Very few people actually want to read it, and most have no clue what is good, what is great, and what stinks. And it doesn't get one money or even impress people, little though that is, because they just think I'm fufu. I can't help being a little bit, I can't help being an elf in human skin. It isn't fair when people think that, because I'm more geek-minded than they think. Heck, I am a geek. A weirdo and a geek. Why can't they just accept who I am?

I feel like mentioning my favorite poem, the one that I memorized by heart (Eric forgot part of his, bwahahaha). Anyway, it's in the Dragonlance saga (what else) in one of the Tales I books as a short story. The writer did a really good job, putting one or two verses in a section of short story. It was cool, and was the first poem I read, the poem that inspired me to write some myself.

Hunting Destiny

There was a proud and noble stag
In Shadow Wood was born
And there he grew, and there he met
And loved a unicorn.

He served her long, he served her well,
He served her whole and part
Until one night in Shadow Glade
He told her all his heart.

She did not mock, she did not laugh,
But softly told him nay
He did not grieve but chose to leave
And plotted to betray.

He sought out then King Peris's men
His words were cold and blunt
"Oh sentry hosts, desert your posts
I offer you a hunt."

King Peris's men were duty bound
To guard the wood from fear
The king, in pride, set sword aside
To bargain with the deer.

"There is no hunt for me," said he
"Of any creature born
Unless I could, in Shadow Wood,
Hunt down the unicorn."

"None knows so well where she may dwell
As I who did her will
If you will heed, then I will lead,
And you may have your kill."

But one lone guard forewarned the king,
"This hunt is evil starred
For those with arms and potent charms
Against who we must guard

No more will wait with eyes of hate
And souls and hearts of gall
But purge the wood of light and good,
And gods forgive us all."

Still Peris boasts "Step down, my hosts
And hear the hunting horn
Let men invade both wood and glade
We hunt the unicorn!"

The stag lead on from night till dawn,
From sunrise into morn
And in the shade of Shadow Glade,
Betrayed the unicorn.

She spoke to him, her voice was grim
"What have you done for pride?
You know and see your destiny
And yet you turn aside.

You would betray me to my death,
And quite forsake your vow?
Then service lent without consent
Is all you do me now."

She touched him once, she touched him twice
And three times with her horn
And there he fell, and where he fell,
He rose a unicorn.

The guards have fled; their trusting land
All undefended lies
And through the wood invaders ride
With darkness in their eyes.

Without alarms they practice charms
That drive away that light
And Shadow into Darken Wood
Was made that evil night.

And afterward, with sword and spear
And horse and horn and hound
They hunted down King Peris's men
And ran them all to ground.

The king was slain, his body lain
Among his dying men
But they were told, ere they were cold
To rise and hunt again.

"For every wraith who breaks his faith
Shall wander without cease
And then, perform what he did warm
And never rest in peace."

So every night the stag betrays
The love he could not keep
And king and host desert their post
To hunt and never sleep.

And so they shall betray and hunt
Until the day they show
That they somehow fulfill that vow
They broke so long ago.


(much later)

The shadows in the woods are plain
And mingle now with light
They flow and play with sun by day
And dance with moon by night.

From Darken Wood has Shadow Wood
Been granted its release
And those who were killed in vows fulfilled
Have there been granted peace.

A few remarks:

When the unicorn touched the stag with her horn, he turned into another unicorn. The king's men were hunting the real unicorn, but the real one fled, and the new one, the stag, was hunted instead and killed by those he convinced to hunt his love. The unicorn could not take him as a love, but she did love him, even though he was a haughty creature and thought that, since he was the only white stag, she should love him, not because he was a good stag. That was in the short story, not the poem. The king, his men, and the stag redeemed themselves in fighting off draconians, a mix of dragon and man, very evil. They were killed in the attempt. So may every man (generic) be punished for failing in his duty to protect others and, by his failing, condemn them to their deaths.

Continuing the short story The Continuing Adventures of Dalamar and the Brooms...

Raistlin sighed to himself, shutting the blue-bound spellbook, yawning and stretching. He remembered the last time he had done this and scowled. He still could not believe his apprentice's temerity. Raistlin glanced at the staff, making sure he was carrying it before he went to bed. He had threatened Dalamar with becoming one of Santa's elves, but it was always a good idea to make sure…

Raistlin began chanting the spell to take him to bed, then he noticed something odd. A few parchment scraps were littered in the wastebasket. He didn't remember putting those there. In fact, he'd almost forgotten that that basket existed. Raistlin creased his brow in thought, puzzled. Who… of course, it had to be Dalamar. Sloppy elf… he never actually disintegrates these things, he thought in irritation. Raistlin started casting the disintegration spell, then paused. One of the scraps had a few words that were not ripped up. Dear Clerics of Paladine, it read.

Wait a minute… didn't he tell Dalamar to send a note of apology to those people?

Raistlin was just about to yell for his apprentice, when he got a very amusing idea…

**********************************************************************

I still miss Raistlin. Every time I hear Kryptonite I think of him, and a lot more than that, too. I can't believe it has only been twelve days. It feels like forever. My brother's back from college for the weekend, so that's really nice, but I just can't be happy! I wish I could.

My computer will be upgraded to XP and a new graphics card installed. Which, of course, is nice, but I really wish that I could talk to you-know-who on it. I'd much rather not have a computer if I could talk to him.