All riiiiight! I live in Colorado now. ^^ HELL YES!! I'M OUT OF MICHIGAN!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah. XD
Oh man, I swear I haven't been this relieved in ages. I can BREATHE out here. I mean, I'd rather be back in California any day, but this is nice. I only regret that I had to leave all my posters and most of my books and manga behind...and my swords!! My beloved katanas!! My scythe, my daggers, my bowie knife, my staff!!!! Even my fox tails...TT TT
Ahem...
Anyway, it's all good. Once I finish my credit recovery, I'm all set for the Air Force. Awesome. Just friggin' awesome. I wish I could be a bad-ass pilot, buuuuuuuut....
But damn, wouldn't I look hot in a flight jacket??? Hahaha.
Oh, gotta go! MINDFREAK is on. ^^
I'm sad today, and I'm not quite sure why.
Maybe something happened that I can't remember...the book I read last was sad too, maybe I'm still angsting? I don't know. All I know is that I'm hungry and I feel like eating and crying and watching happy-end movies. But I can't cause it's 3:30 in the mornin' and mom will wake up and yell at me if I do. So I've got nothin' better to do than sit at my computer and bitch about it....
Hahaha, wow! I'm pathetic.
Man. These feelings are dumb, yanno? I mean really, what's the point of being sad? Especially when there's no one around to comfort you. I'm kinda tired of feeling. But then again, I'd be kind of bored without 'em, huh? I guess I'm just tired of feeling things and then not being sure why. Like right now. I'm kinda crying, and I don't have a clue why. Maybe I'm lonely or somethin'. Or maybe I'm insane, I dunno.
Guess I'll turn in now, try to sleep...heh. It's the first time in days I can hit the sack without painkillers, and I can't even fall asleep. See? No good comes from bein' sad. Just baggy eyes and headaches. I don't believe that life has a purpose or any of that destiny crap, but I've still got a life...so I may as well enjoy it right? It's just an accident that humans even exist, but since we do we should take the opportunity to be happy. Not waste away in bed bein' miserable. That's what I think and yet...I still feel this gaping hole inside me. Just this big emptiness, a black space.
I guess I am a little lonely.
'Cause after all, I've been so by myself for so long. Then I get to see everyone I care about again only to go away and be alone again. I guess that would make anyone sad right? I just wanna have somebody close, maybe to hold me, and no, I don't care how lame and cliche that sounds.
So yeah, I guess that big black hole is just loneliness.
Just loneliness.
Who knew it could hurt this much? I guess I should go to bed. I'll feel better in the morning, right?
Man, I'm sorry guys. I was in Utah with no internet, California without even a computer (But the Anime Expo was worth it!! I GOT TOSHIHIKO SEKI'S AUTOGRAPH!!!!) and then Colorado with skippy internet that wouldn't let me stay on more than 5 minutes at the most. Then Nebraska...nob
But yeah, I'm back in Michigan for a while, then I'm moving to Colorado with my grama for my last school year (hopefully with better internet...) and then im gonna go for the Air Force.
Yup yup.
^^
April's Memories
This cold isn't just because of the weather.
These hands don't just shake from frigid wind.
They ache to hold and to touch
Someone I can never hold or touch again.
Where is that long mouse-brown hair
That I used to love brushing so much?
Where is that cheerful laugh when
I braided it when you weren't looking?
All burned, sad ashes in a wooden box.
Where is that strong, course hand
That brought me to such a warm embrace?
Where are those smiling lips
That placed kisses atop my head?
All gone, grey ashes in a chestnut box.
In this cold that breaks through my sweater,
You would have wrapped me in your jacket.
And you would have held these shaking hands
That the wind so enjoys biting.
Where are those comforting arms,
That kind and gentle face?
All burned and gone,
Sad, grey ashes in a chestnut wood box.
--
In memory of my stepfather, who passed away two years today.
Woohoo!! Later, Skater is finally out!! Gotta order a copyyyyyy!!!!!
Ow. I tell ya what, ow.
Baseball bats huuuurt. You ever got cuffed in the head with one? Bludgeoned my eye, the bastard...
But it sure is a damn impressive bruise. A pretty shade of purple, no less. ^^
And new yaoi to make up for my boo-boo? Yes indeedy! ^^
April 28th is coming. Far too fast. I can't believe it. The second year...I may just skip school that day, it'll hurt to much. It'll hurt to do anything. Maybe I'll bake something, or write a poem or song. Who knows? I certainly don't. All I know is that two years ago, April 28th, I lost the dearest person in the world to me. My god, nothing has ever hurt me so badly, not even what Dodson did to me.
Wow I'm manic today. Too bad I've forgotten how my fruit punch rant goes, that would've been a fun post.
Am I supposed to get depressed when I read Gravitation? It's a comical romance. But so angsty. Angst is a funny word...
Hey pretty lady...come and dance with me under the moon...sway with me senorita, I'll be leaving soon...so bend your body with a promise to meet me again....
Ohhhh, I feel sick lately. Sick and sad, horny and mad. This town is the pits. I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life if I stay here.
Not sleeping enough...what else is new? Rat's tail, bang a nail...
My brain has forsaken me. Fare thee well, brave soldier! Haha, Trowa just got bitch slapped. Go Catherine!! Love Gundam Wing man, sexy boys all over the place. Sexy ass Gundams too, goddamn! I'd sell my soul to have a real functional Deathscythe Hellcustom.
Crowned clown, come on now. Take your throne and party down.
Holy shiiiiiiiiiiit man. I cannot believe what a bunch of fuckin' nazis the school administrators are...I got a detention for skipping lunch. LUNCH. How do you skip lunch, and more importantly, why does it matter? Lunch. Crazy shit man. This school is like a prison. I could eat lunch on the roof if I wanted back in cali. Damn nazis.
HEAR ME? THIS IS THE 4TH TIME, RHS! YOU BUNCH OF NAZI PIGS!!
Mwahahaha!! I get to go to the Anime Expo this year!!! BOOYAH!!!! Lemme see....I think I'll either be Kanda or Allen this year...I have the exorcist coat, I wanna use it. ^^
Too bad I couldn't go last year.....
MIYAVI!!!!!! NOOOO!!! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED YOU?????
TT TT
Resilience
When your heart is blackened by pain,
I want to be the one to hold you.
If you are relentlessly pounded by sorrow,
I want to be the one to protect you.
But my arms have long since withered away
in my loneliness and my solitude.
My body, filled with holes and weakness
would fail to be a shield for you.
But I will stand firm against your demons.
This ravaged body and soul will protect you
until the day it cracks and breaks.
I will feel no pain as long as I...
as long as I can be near you.
And when my heart is blackened by pain,
I will ignore it.
And when I am relentlessly pounded by sorrow,
well, I will ignore that too.
Only for you, just only you,
until the day I leave this earth forever.
dec. 08
Apollo
Holding you...holding you like this is painful
because you claw at me, trying to get away.
No matter how much I love you
you turn away...turn turn and try to run.
But I will never again let you go.
Even if it isnt fair,
even though I dont want to force you,
I will hold you to me until we both bleed.
Even if I stand here with you forever
and my immortal body begins to decay I...
I will continue to embrace you, unrelenting.
I dont want to hurt you,
oh no, I dont want to make you cry,
but I did love the flush that painted your cheeks
the last time that you wept all alone.
Your struggling and your tears only make you
so much more precious to me...
So I will hold you to me until we both break,
when finally I can stop you as you flee,
your auburn hair wild behind you.
You close your eyes and cry out as I catch you,
you scream and beg me to release you...
but I will never again let you go.
I will hold your wild head to my chest
and kiss your quivering eyelids.
Even if its cruel,
even though I hate to imprison you,
I will hold you until the day we both fade.
But now, in my arms you stiffen and freeze...
I weep into your fleshless bosom,
you who have become a tree.
dec. 07
Apollo lamenting the loss of his beloved Daphne, who ran from his love until she begged her father to turn her into a tree. He wept upon her roots and took from her branches the laurels used to crown Olympic champions.
Oh dearie me...
For all the prowess of my hand, the dragon eludes me.
I have tried endlessly to sketch a dragon. The images of these magnificent beasts haunt me in my sleep and make a fool of me in my art. I am weary, I am angry.
The damn dragons...they must be laughing at me.
seller-man
well now, little seller-man,
they say that you sell anything.
so i'd like to buy some time
to make up for some misgivings.
twopence to fix yesterday,
my house to fix it all;
i'll pay you just about anything,
please don't close your stall!
well now, mister seller-man,
you've drawn your curtain closed.
dismissed me with a contemptuous snort
through your long, crooked nose.
the time i sought to buy from you
instead was wasted here;
have you no pity, monger sir,
for my sigh and for my tear?
Well now, a diary! It's been ages since I lost mine. Who knows who could be reading it!
I suppose I could fill this to the brim with poetry. It doesn't seem like the right place for deep, mind-boggling secrets now, does it? So then, without further ado...
The end of my first entry. ^^