I got the 2-disc special edition of the Dark Knight.
A Badz-Maru ipod cover.
The biggest most expensive box of Prismacolor colored pencils.
A new laptop.
A Japanese ink painting kit.
So much candy.
Red flannel footy pyjamas with a butt-flap.
And endless gift cards for coffee places and MEAT.

BEST FUCKING CHRISTMAS EVER.

Right-o...so yes, my phone bit the dust. Verizon butchered our plan, so we would have had to pay twice as much for the same thing. So my daddy and I boycotted the bill. Our phones were shut off on Monday, and now I have nothing to call home with in an emergency. Haha. I dunno when my dad will get our new phones...maybe Christmas? ^^
Oh yeah...
I'M GOING BACK TO CALI FOR XMAS!!!!!!

Hey, whaddya know?
Life is looking up a bit.
Obama won, which means Palin is OUT of any position of power!!! Yeah, get that psycho bitch out of the picture!!! We're finally making some progress in smashing Prop. 8, may it fucking BURN, and I am finally living in a blue state again. It's bad enough I had to choose a side to begin with, but being stuck in a conservative state is HELL.
But that's old news.
New news is that I started watching House and I didn't hate it. I'm not failing in school, I have a new therapist who is AWESOME, I have all the candy I could ever want including Milka bars and Kinder Eggs, I haven't been hospitalized or severely injured in the past 6 months, my periods have been less intense, my singing has improved tenfold, I am getting over the fact that I sleep on a decorative couch in my grandma's basement which I am sharing with my aunt, I have 76 poems on thestarlitecafe.com, AND I found the neatest coat in Savers for like 7 bucks.
Yup, not too shabby.

I watched the Dark Knight with a friend. Now see, she isn't as taken with the Joker as I am. And I am taken with him...quite severely in fact. The Joker character has been my favorite for years, and this last role solidified my infatuation...
Now, she was watching, horrified. She turns to me and says:
"No one man should have that much power."
So what do I say?
"No, don't you see? Everyone has that much power...and more. The only difference is the people that choose to use it and the ones who choose not to. It's all a matter of ambition, and, good or bad, you gotta admire it..."
She watched me, horrified.
Yes, I side with the Joker. I like explosions, I like chaos, I like anarchy. I like to watch the man squirm and crumble, unable to do a thing despite being in charge. I love anyone who can take a few cheap weapons and resources to completely turn the world upside-down.
Now all I need is someone who can really do it. Someone who can bring on my anarchy. Someone with the ambition I lack.
I need a damn Joker.
And I need a Tylenol. Political bullshitters give me a headache, yanno?

Quotes and song lyrics that I love, all but the first one collected from the fanfiction "Freeport" by Maldoror.


Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Just pee on it and walk away.

----

"...False security has lulled the madness of this world into a slumber. Wake up! An eye is upon you, staring straight down
and keenly through, seeing all that you are and everything that you can never be. Yes, an eye is upon you, an eye ready to
blink. So face forward, with arms wide open and mind reeling. Your future has arrived...are you ready to go?"

-Powerman 5000

----

If travel is searching
And home has been found
I'm not stopping

I'm going hunting
I'm the hunter
I'll bring back the goods
But I don't know when

I thought I could organize freedom
How scandinavian of me
You sussed it out, didn't you ?
Yeah!

You could smell it
So you left me on my own
To complete the mission
Now I'm leaving it all behind

I'm going hunting
I'm the hunter, I'm the hunter

-Bjork,'Hunter'

----

Welcome to Tijuana
Tekila, sexo y marihuana
Welcome to Tijuana
Con el coyote no hay aduana

Bienvenida a Tijuana
Bienvenida mi suerte
Bienvenida la muerte
Porla Panamericana

(Welcome to Tijuana
Tequila, sex and marijuana
Welcome to Tijuana
With the coyotes (smugglers) there's no customs

Welcome to Tijuana
Welcome, my luck
Welcome to death
By the Panamerican)

- Manu Chao, 'Welcome to Tijuana'

----

I met my love by the gas works wall
Dreamed a dream by the old canal
Kissed a girl by the factory wall
Dirty old town
Dirty old town
Heard a siren from the docks
Saw a train set the night on fire
Smelled the spring on the smokey wind
Dirty old town
Dirty old town

- 'Dirty Old Town', The Pogues

----

We sail tonight for Singapore
Don't fall asleep while you're ashore
Cross your heart and hope to die
When you hear the children cry
Let marrow bone and cleaver choose
While making feet for children shoes
Through the alley, back from Hell
When you hear that steeple bell
You must say goodbye to me.

We sail tonight for Singapore
Take your blankets from the floor
Wash your mouth out by the door
The whole town is made of iron ore
Every witness turns to steam
They all become Italian dreams
Fill your pockets up with earth
Get yourself a dollar's worth
Away boys, away, boys, heave away

- Tom Waits, 'Singapore'

----

aliviame, Maria, aliviame
dame otro beso de jerez
mañana te lo pagare

tu risa me da risa
tu calor me da valor
dame otro beso de licor
mañana te lo pagare
//
Soothe me, Maria, soothe me
give me another kiss of sherry
I'll pay for it tomorrow

Your laugh makes me laugh
your warmth gives me worth
give me another liquor kiss
I'll pay for it tomorrow


- Malegria, Manu Chao

----

Outside the ground at Luton Town
A crazy opportunist has sprayed upon a wall
A simple proclamation for all to read
"Revolution is a better game than football"

- Chumbawumba, 'Hmmm'

----

"Que ce soit l'Armée rouge,
Les flics de Pretoria,
Malgré le sang qui coule...
 
Makhnovtchina, Makhnovtchina,
Armée noire de nos partisans.
Qui combattez en Ukraine
Contre les rouges et les blancs!"
 
(Be it the Red Army
or the Pretoria cops
Despite the blood flowing...
 
Makhnovtchina, Makhnovtchina,
Black Army of our partisans
Who fought in Ukraine
Against the Reds and the Whites!)
 
- Bérurier Noir, 'Makhnovtchina'

----

"The canals and the bridges, the embankments and cuts,
They blasted and dug with their sweat and their guts
They never drank water, but whiskey by pints
And the shanty towns rang with their songs and their fights.
They died in their hundreds with no sign to mark where
Save the brass in the pocket of the entrepreneur.
By landslide and rockblast they got buried so deep
That in death if not life they'll have peace while they sleep."

- The Pogues, 'Navigator'

----

"This is the hour when the mysteries emerge.
A strangeness so hard to reflect.
A moment so moving, goes straight to your heart,
The vision has never been met.
The attraction is held like a weight deep inside,
Something I'll never forget.
How can I find the right way to control,
All the conflicts inside, all the problems beside,
As the questions arise, and the answers don't fit,
Into my way of things,
Into my way of things."

- Joy Division, 'Komakino'

----

"La grâce de tes mouvements
Belle danseuse de l'Orient
Paroles poésie
Remplies de nostalgie
Les charmes de ton corps
Danses royales du Cambodge
La fleur du Laos
Ton coeur est une rose
Tu chantes résistance
D'un monde en souffrance
Sous les drapeaux rouges sang
Ont fuit les éléphants
La grâce de tes mouvements
Belle danseuse de l'Orient"
(The grace of your movements
Beautiful oriental dancer
Words and poetry
Filled with nostalgia
The charms of your body
The royal dances of Cambodia
The flower of Laos
Your heart is a rose
You sing for resistance
In a suffering world
Under blood-red flags
We're fleeing elephants
The grace of your movements
Beautiful oriental dancer...)

- Beruriers Noirs, 'Danseuse de l'Orient'

----

We know the road to freedom has always been stalked by death.

- Angela Davis

----

"I want to be the minority
I don't need your authority
down with the moral majority
'cause I want to be the minority
I pledge allegiance to the underworld
one nation under dog
in which I stand alone
a face in the crowd
unsung, against the mould
without a doubt,
singled out
the only way I know"

- Green Day, 'Minority'

----

If I can't dance, it's not my revolution!

- Emma Goldman

----

"Will you and your government teach eagles to fly and tigers to hunt? Of course not. No one is so arrogant with nature. But
you and your government want to tell me what to buy and how to live, and I am more complex than any eagle or tiger. Give me
only the same respect you pay the badger and the blue jay, and leave me alone.

After all, anarchy means nothing more than human ecology."

- Allen Thornton, Laws of the Jungle

----

L'enemi etait chez moi
On m'a dit résigne toi
Mais je n'ai pas pu
J'ai repris mon arme...

Hier encore nous étions trois
Il ne reste plus que moi
Et je tourne en rond
Dans la prison des frontières.

Le vent souffle sur les tombes
La liberté reviendra
On nous oubliera
Nous rentrerons dans l'ombre

(The enemi was in my country
I was told to accept it
But I couldn't
I took up my weapon again...
There were three of us yesterday
Today I am the only one left
And I pace
Within the prison of the frontiers
The wind blows across the graves
Freedom will come again
We will be forgotten
We will return to the shadows.)

- La Complainte Du Partisan, Emmanuel d'Astier de La Vigerie, code-named "Bernard" by the French Resistance, London, 1943
The song is also known as 'The Partisan', in an English version by Leonard Cohen

----

That November night,
Looking up into the sky
You said “Hey, wish that was me up there
It's the biggest rocket I could find
And it's holding the night in its arms
If only for a moment
I can't see the look in its eyes
But I'm sure it must be laughing.”
But it seemed to me
The saddest thing I'd ever seen
And I thought you were crazy
Wishing such a thing
I saw only a stick on fire
Alone, on its journey
Home to the quickening ground
With no one there to catch it

- Kate Bush, 'Rocket Tails'

----

"This is necessary
This is necessary
Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on-
This is necessary
This is necessary
Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life."

- Tool, 'Disgustipated'

----

"Entre chiens et loups
Quand tombe la nuit"
(Between dogs and wolves
When the night falls)

- Mano Negra, 'La Ventura'

----

"Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can.
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand.
The present is well out of hand.
Heart and soul, one will burn.
Heart and soul, one will burn.
One will burn, one will burn.
Heart and soul, one will burn."

- Joy Division, 'Heart and Soul'

----

"It's hard not to break down and cry
when every ideal that you tried
has been wrong
and you must carry on
'Cause you, you are the only one left
and you've got to clean up this mess,
you know you'll end up like the rest
bitter and twisted unless
you stay strong
and you carry on
It's hard, but you know it's worth the fight
'cause you know you've got the truth on your side
when the accusations fly, hold tight
don't be afraid of what they'll say
who cares what cowards think anyway
they will understand one day, one day
one day..."

- Yann Tiersen, "Les Jours Tristes"

----

"A legacy so far removed,
One day will be improved.
Eternal rights we left behind,
We were the better kind.
Two the same, set free too,
I always looked to you...
We fought for good, stood side by side,
Our friendship never died.
On stranger waves, the lows and highs,
Our vision touched the sky,
Immortalists with points to prove,
I put my trust in you...
A house somewhere on foreign soil,
Where ageless lovers call,
Is this your goal, your final needs,
Where dogs and vultures eat,
Committed still I turn to go.
I put my trust in you.
I put my trust in you...."

- Joy Division, 'Means to an End'

----

"Oh Marlène
C'est la haine qui nous a amené là
Mais Marlène
Dans tes veines coulent l'amour des soldats
Et quand il meurent Ou s'endorment
C'est dans le creux de tes bras
Qu'ils s'abandonnent et qu'ils brûlent
Comme une clope entre tes doigts

...Et quand il meurent ou s'endorment
Dans la chaleur de tes bras
Ça les apaise et les traîne
Jusqu'en dehors des combats."

(Oh Marlène
It's hate that brought us here
But Marlène
In your veins runs the love of soldiers
When they die or fall asleep
It's in your arms
That they abandon themselves and burn
Like the cigarette between your fingers

...When they die or fall asleep
It's the warmth of your arms
That appeases them and drags them
Away from the battle)

- Noirs Désirs, 'Marlène'

----

"The main question is not what motive inspired the law, but what it will be possible for men of bad motive to do with the
law... "

- Benjamin Tucker

----

"God save the Queen
she ain't no human being.
There is no future
in England's dreaming

Don't be told what you want
Don't be told what you need.
There's no future
there's no future
there's no future for you"

- The Sex Pistols, 'God Save the Queen'

----

"I am the man for which no god waits
But for which the whole world yearns
And I'm marked by darkness and by blood
And by a thousand powder burns"

- Nick Cave, 'O'Malley's bar'

----

"Je suis l'enfant terrible
D'un monde en guerre
Je suis l'enfant maudit
Né de la peste
Je suis né comme un fou
Je suis né peste rouge
Je suis l'enfant naturel
D'une société cancéreuse
Je suis l'enfant rebelle
Et la loi est dang'reuse
Fils de-...!
Fils de-...!"
(I'm the bastard child
of a world at war
I'm the cursed child
Born of the plague
I was born insane
I was born a red disease
I'm the by-blow
Of a cancerous society
I'm the rebel child
And the law is dangerous
Son of-...
Son of-...)

- Beruriers Noirs, 'Fils de...'

----

"For god's sake burn it down
Nothing ever burns down by itself
Every fire needs a little bit of help
Nothing ever burns down by itself
Every fire needs a little bit of help
Give the anarchist a cigarette
Burn baby burn, burn baby burn"

-Chumbawumba, 'Give the Anarchist a Cigarette'

----

“With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.”

- Fight Club

----

“I know that the sunset empire shudders and shakes
I know there's a floodgate and a raging river
I say see the silence of the ribbons of iron and steel
I say hear the punch drunk buddle drive hammer and wheel

Sometimes you're beaten to the call
Sometimes you're taken to the wall
But you don't give in”

- Midnight Oil, `Sometimes

----

“Anarchism has but one infallible, unchangeable motto, 'Freedom.' Freedom to discover any truth, freedom to develop, to live
naturally and fully."

-Lucy Parsons

----

"I build no system. I ask an end to privilege, the abolition of slavery, equality of rights, and the reign of law. Justice,
nothing else. That is the alpha and omega of my argument."

-Pierre-Joseph Proudhon

All riiiiight! I live in Colorado now. ^^ HELL YES!! I'M OUT OF MICHIGAN!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Yeah. XD
Oh man, I swear I haven't been this relieved in ages. I can BREATHE out here. I mean, I'd rather be back in California any day, but this is nice. I only regret that I had to leave all my posters and most of my books and manga behind...and my swords!! My beloved katanas!! My scythe, my daggers, my bowie knife, my staff!!!! Even my fox tails...TT TT
Ahem...
Anyway, it's all good. Once I finish my credit recovery, I'm all set for the Air Force. Awesome. Just friggin' awesome. I wish I could be a bad-ass pilot, buuuuuuuut.......I'm a bit too claustrophobic and I suck at math. ^^;
But damn, wouldn't I look hot in a flight jacket??? Hahaha.
Oh, gotta go! MINDFREAK is on. ^^

I'm sad today, and I'm not quite sure why.
Maybe something happened that I can't remember...the book I read last was sad too, maybe I'm still angsting? I don't know. All I know is that I'm hungry and I feel like eating and crying and watching happy-end movies. But I can't cause it's 3:30 in the mornin' and mom will wake up and yell at me if I do. So I've got nothin' better to do than sit at my computer and bitch about it....
Hahaha, wow! I'm pathetic.
Man. These feelings are dumb, yanno? I mean really, what's the point of being sad? Especially when there's no one around to comfort you. I'm kinda tired of feeling. But then again, I'd be kind of bored without 'em, huh? I guess I'm just tired of feeling things and then not being sure why. Like right now. I'm kinda crying, and I don't have a clue why. Maybe I'm lonely or somethin'. Or maybe I'm insane, I dunno.
Guess I'll turn in now, try to sleep...heh. It's the first time in days I can hit the sack without painkillers, and I can't even fall asleep. See? No good comes from bein' sad. Just baggy eyes and headaches. I don't believe that life has a purpose or any of that destiny crap, but I've still got a life...so I may as well enjoy it right? It's just an accident that humans even exist, but since we do we should take the opportunity to be happy. Not waste away in bed bein' miserable. That's what I think and yet...I still feel this gaping hole inside me. Just this big emptiness, a black space.
I guess I am a little lonely.
'Cause after all, I've been so by myself for so long. Then I get to see everyone I care about again only to go away and be alone again. I guess that would make anyone sad right? I just wanna have somebody close, maybe to hold me, and no, I don't care how lame and cliche that sounds.
So yeah, I guess that big black hole is just loneliness.
Just loneliness.
Who knew it could hurt this much? I guess I should go to bed. I'll feel better in the morning, right?

Man, I'm sorry guys. I was in Utah with no internet, California without even a computer (But the Anime Expo was worth it!! I GOT TOSHIHIKO SEKI'S AUTOGRAPH!!!!) and then Colorado with skippy internet that wouldn't let me stay on more than 5 minutes at the most. Then Nebraska...nobody has internet in Nebraska...
But yeah, I'm back in Michigan for a while, then I'm moving to Colorado with my grama for my last school year (hopefully with better internet...) and then im gonna go for the Air Force.
Yup yup.
^^

April's Memories
This cold isn't just because of the weather.
These hands don't just shake from frigid wind.
They ache to hold and to touch
Someone I can never hold or touch again.
Where is that long mouse-brown hair
That I used to love brushing so much?
Where is that cheerful laugh when
I braided it when you weren't looking?
All burned, sad ashes in a wooden box.
Where is that strong, course hand
That brought me to such a warm embrace?
Where are those smiling lips
That placed kisses atop my head?
All gone, grey ashes in a chestnut box.
In this cold that breaks through my sweater,
You would have wrapped me in your jacket.
And you would have held these shaking hands
That the wind so enjoys biting.
Where are those comforting arms,
That kind and gentle face?
All burned and gone,
Sad, grey ashes in a chestnut wood box.

--

In memory of my stepfather, who passed away two years today. 

Woohoo!! Later, Skater is finally out!! Gotta order a copyyyyyy!!!!!! It looks really good. ^^

Ow. I tell ya what, ow.
Baseball bats huuuurt. You ever got cuffed in the head with one? Bludgeoned my eye, the bastard...
But it sure is a damn impressive bruise. A pretty shade of purple, no less. ^^
And new yaoi to make up for my boo-boo? Yes indeedy! ^^

April 28th is coming. Far too fast. I can't believe it. The second year...I may just skip school that day, it'll hurt to much. It'll hurt to do anything. Maybe I'll bake something, or write a poem or song. Who knows? I certainly don't. All I know is that two years ago, April 28th, I lost the dearest person in the world to me. My god, nothing has ever hurt me so badly, not even what Dodson did to me.

Wow I'm manic today. Too bad I've forgotten how my fruit punch rant goes, that would've been a fun post.

Am I supposed to get depressed when I read Gravitation? It's a comical romance. But so angsty. Angst is a funny word...

Hey pretty lady...come and dance with me under the moon...sway with me senorita, I'll be leaving soon...so bend your body with a promise to meet me again....

Ohhhh, I feel sick lately. Sick and sad, horny and mad. This town is the pits. I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life if I stay here.

Not sleeping enough...what else is new? Rat's tail, bang a nail...

My brain has forsaken me. Fare thee well, brave soldier! Haha, Trowa just got bitch slapped. Go Catherine!! Love Gundam Wing man, sexy boys all over the place. Sexy ass Gundams too, goddamn! I'd sell my soul to have a real functional Deathscythe Hellcustom.

Crowned clown, come on now. Take your throne and party down.

Holy shiiiiiiiiiiit man. I cannot believe what a bunch of fuckin' nazis the school administrators are...I got a detention for skipping lunch. LUNCH. How do you skip lunch, and more importantly, why does it matter? Lunch. Crazy shit man. This school is like a prison. I could eat lunch on the roof if I wanted back in cali. Damn nazis.
HEAR ME? THIS IS THE 4TH TIME, RHS! YOU BUNCH OF NAZI PIGS!!

Mwahahaha!! I get to go to the Anime Expo this year!!! BOOYAH!!!! Lemme see....I think I'll either be Kanda or Allen this year...I have the exorcist coat, I wanna use it. ^^
Too bad I couldn't go last year.....
MIYAVI!!!!!! NOOOO!!! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED YOU?????
TT TT

Resilience

When your heart is blackened by pain,
I want to be the one to hold you.
If you are relentlessly pounded by sorrow,
I want to be the one to protect you.
But my arms have long since withered away
in my loneliness and my solitude.
My body, filled with holes and weakness
would fail to be a shield for you.
But I will stand firm against your demons.
This ravaged body and soul will protect you
until the day it cracks and breaks.
I will feel no pain as long as I...
as long as I can be near you.
And when my heart is blackened by pain,
I will ignore it.
And when I am relentlessly pounded by sorrow,
well, I will ignore that too.
Only for you, just only you,
until the day I leave this earth forever.

dec. 08

Apollo

Holding you...holding you like this is painful
because you claw at me, trying to get away.
No matter how much I love you
you turn away...turn turn and try to run.
But I will never again let you go.
Even if it isnt fair,
even though I dont want to force you,
I will hold you to me until we both bleed.
Even if I stand here with you forever
and my immortal body begins to decay I...
I will continue to embrace you, unrelenting.
I dont want to hurt you,
oh no, I dont want to make you cry,
but I did love the flush that painted your cheeks
the last time that you wept all alone.
Your struggling and your tears only make you
so much more precious to me...
So I will hold you to me until we both break,
when finally I can stop you as you flee,
your auburn hair wild behind you.
You close your eyes and cry out as I catch you,
you scream and beg me to release you...
but I will never again let you go.
I will hold your wild head to my chest
and kiss your quivering eyelids.
Even if its cruel,
even though I hate to imprison you,
I will hold you until the day we both fade.
But now, in my arms you stiffen and freeze...
I weep into your fleshless bosom,
you who have become a tree.

dec. 07

Apollo lamenting the loss of his beloved Daphne, who ran from his love until she begged her father to turn her into a tree. He wept upon her roots and took from her branches the laurels used to crown Olympic champions.

Oh dearie me...
For all the prowess of my hand, the dragon eludes me.
I have tried endlessly to sketch a dragon. The images of these magnificent beasts haunt me in my sleep and make a fool of me in my art. I am weary, I am angry.
The damn dragons...they must be laughing at me.

seller-man

well now, little seller-man,
they say that you sell anything.
so i'd like to buy some time
to make up for some misgivings.
twopence to fix yesterday,
my house to fix it all;
i'll pay you just about anything,
please don't close your stall!

well now, mister seller-man,
you've drawn your curtain closed.
dismissed me with a contemptuous snort
through your long, crooked nose.
the time i sought to buy from you
instead was wasted here;
have you no pity, monger sir,
for my sigh and for my tear?

Well now, a diary! It's been ages since I lost mine. Who knows who could be reading it!
I suppose I could fill this to the brim with poetry. It doesn't seem like the right place for deep, mind-boggling secrets now, does it? So then, without further ado...
The end of my first entry. ^^