Tonight was the first time I have stepped foot in a church in years. It still makes my skin crawl. My grandfather will lie in there until the funeral tommorow. I heard everyone telling me that I must have so many happy memories of him, because he always loved to tell stories. I heard my brother and my cousins telling eachother of all the great times they had, how funny he was, those fantastic stories. I feel cheated. I was the one who was there for him when he was dying, I helped my mother care for him in his old age, I pushed his wheelchair when he could no longer walk, and he barely ever said a word to me.

What was it about me that rendered me unfit for his attention? Why was I the only girl he never called sweetheart? Was it the way I looked or my personality? I don't understand why he would lavish attention on his other grandchildren and yet bearly look at me.

Maybe, in the end, he felt cheated too, by the time he could have opened up to me it was too late. I'd given up on ever expecting him to love me. Now I guess I'll never know. I did right by him anyway, treated him with the care and respect he deserved, and I can't expect any more from him or myself.

He died at 6 am today. It was better for him I'm sure.

I am fed up with emo kids. Right now I don't care if I offend them. All their whining, 'I want to die' 'Let me die now' 'I haven't found a true love by my 14th birthday therefore I might as well be dead.' WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP (or at least don't bother me about it, and while I'm at it - keep your shitty music away from my ears)!!!!

Every emo kid I meet seems to be middle class with a free access to thier parents bank account. They're only problem seems to be believeing the world should revolve around them! Jesus fucking Christ - I never meet anyone - well get out of your bloody room you fuckwit. Everyone made fun of me in highschool - your not in highschool anymore, move on. I don't have a boyfirend/girlfriend - hardly surprising if all you do is whine. Besides if you expect one person to solve all your problems your fucked from square one.

Worst is those people who moan about cutting and suicide. I know for a fact your lying you fuckers. People really suffering from depression want no-one to find out, and they want to get over it, not tell everyone in sight in a vain attempt to get some attention. God, not even twenty and already wanting to die (unless you've had serious problems, and I mean SERIOUS here, not going to a school dance by yourself or listening to pish music in your room at all hours) then just shut the fuck up. I've seen people die, I've held thier hand as they've gone. Death is not a fucking fashion statement! God almighty! One emo kid asked my friend to go to her birthday party 'cause, you know, it could be my last considering my depression'.

If you have problems, solve them, don't moan and expect someone else to make everything better. If you need money, get a job, if you want to better yourself go to university, if you hate your parents move out. It's your life, do it yourself. And for Christ's sake, don't come to me with your pathetic little attention seeking fashionable depression! I am sick of being nice to you fuckers. Don't come up to me after fucking lectures and follow me round like a lost puppy, begging for my advice because I look so damn interesting. Don't start inane conversations about how you were traumatised by loosing a toy when you were six. Either say something worth saying (it can be intelligent or fabulously fucking stupid, but make it worth the breath) or say nothing at all. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON"T TELL ME ALL YOUR PITIFUL LITTLE PROBLEMS. I know what real bullying is, I've seen it, lived through it and stopped it happening to others (not by whining either, by taking god-damned action). I know what pain is, my mother is a nurse for gods sake, I've seen people with diseases you don't want to know exist. Just today I heard a 80 year old man crying for his mummy because he was so afraid of the halluncinations he sees 24 hours a day. So don't come to me and tell me your going to jump under a train because you lost your favourite CD. Right now I AM NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My grandfather is dying. He's an 90 year old former soldier and army diver. He fought in world war two, and afterwards served in Palenstien, the Mediterrianian, Canada, The Soviet Union, various countries in Africa and he other places I can't recall at the moment. He never smoked, swam and ran at cometeting level, always focused on health, except for when he ate fish and chips, I suppose they were his weakness. The British military wouldn't let him die in Eskine Hospital like any other deserving verteran, why? Because cancer spread to his bowls and bladder and they valued the new carpet more than the dignity and rights of a man who gave up seeing his children grow in order to sevre his country. It's enough to make anyone loose faith in the millitary.

I don't think I've ever had a full conversation with my grandfather. He and I are too different, he's a soldier while I embrace the arts. He loved order, and never understood children. Spending so much time being looked after by him in childhood seemed to open a gap between us, and niether of us ever knew how to close it. He always prefered his son and grandson's anyway. That's what my mother and aunts say. They say it as a joke, but unlike me they've never had any acting training, and the pain can be seen in the back of their eyes.

The hospital he is in is a discrace. The RAH. The walls are faded beige, the floors vomit green linoliem. There aren't enough cleaners, the nurses don't know one patient from another and there is a man a view rooms down from my grandfather who is constantly plaqued by horrendous hallucinations. No one has thought to give him a sedative. He calls out "mummy" and occasionally "daddy", he wants to be saved. I'm not surpised they've done nothing for him. My mum and aunt (both nurses themselves, though not in that hosiptal) had to take it upon themselves to empty the catheter, update the medical charts and rub oil onto his feet.

The room is awful. The curtains are odd, the walls are the same colour as the moldy sweetcorn I found in the back of the fridge last week. The only flowers are half dead and hidden on the window behind a curtain. The radio doesn't work, but ti's constantly left on with the static buzzing. The sheets, pillows and duvet all are covered in plastic, practicallity over comfort for the dying. Worse is the mirror. It's cruel to place a mirror right before the eyes of a dying man, especially my grandfather. He was such a strong man in his youth, from the few photo's I've seen, he looked like a film star of the day, with his typical pre-welfare-state teeth the only thing marring the illusion. He always took great pride in his appearence, and though such precision hasn't been passed through the generations to me, I understand how terrible it is to loose something that you've always taken to heart.

I remember seeing myself in a mirror once when I was ill. I was fourteen, at that time periods felt like my entire body was tearing itself apart. Pain would rocket up my spine, setting everynerve on fire. Some months I would faint, or be unable to walk. That month, it was both. I remmeber being dumped on my bed by my father and brother, and I could see myself in the glass. Pale as death, lips blue, bloodless, eyes glazed, chest heaving, and the trickling blood weaving its way dwn my leg, twisting itself between my toes. It scared me to my very soul, and he has to see himself die. How... terrible.

He can barely speak now. Tonight, I think he said 'I love you' to us all. But it could have been something else. I was sure I heard him say 'Don't let me die like this.' I don't know whether anyone else did or it was just my own fears playing tricks in my mind. I don't want to ask. i don't want to upset my mother. Becoming an orphan at any time in life is heartbreaking, I will not allow her to suffer anymore than she has to.

I only hope my grandfather is granted a peaceful death. It would be kind to let him go in his sleep. I doubt if he'll live to the end of the week.

Jesus fucking christ. How the fuck am I supposed to pass my Journalism and Creative writing course when the assignments are due two weeks before we get any lectures on the chosen subject, the library doesn't stock any of the books on the god damned reading list and the tutotrs don't have a clue what they're doing? Fuck! My journalism assignment is due friday and I still don't have a clue what the hell I'm suppost to do! Where the hell do I fucking start, other than getting drunk and angry and repeating the same angry rant over and over again? The only advice I got from my tutor was 'it will write itself.' No it bloody will not, neither will it be written by me or any others in the class! And the word limit keeps going up 1000, 1500, 2000, 3000. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU PILE OF FROZEN MONKEY SHIT! I will NEVER be a professional journalist, I haven't been this pissed off since I had the demon snake bitch of death art teacher in high school. She was awful as well, though I suspect she had some sort of deep rooted anxiety and jelously as she had never wanted to teach (failed artist you see). This guy choose to teach, he doesn't need to. He could easily make enough money through his freelance journalism. God! You can't just decide to teach and then leave everything to the last minute and throw assignments at your students that are impossible to do. They keep pileing up, and the ones that require the most work count for the least percentage of my overall mark. What utter bollocks! Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck. 'It will write itself.' They only thing that will write its-fucking-self is my complaint letter to the head of department. This course had gone to hell this semester.

Surely it's not right for me to want to quit university ever sunday night? There has to be something wrong with that. I just have no drive, nothing, nada, zilch.

The library has decided that have stolen one of thier books, and are demanding I pay for it. Fuck that! It's a bloody politics book. What the fuck would I want with a peice of shit like that. From what I've heard from other students, the likly senario is - I hand in book, desperate student sees book. Said desperate student can not be arsed checking out book, as they need it on more than short term basis. Steal book. I was last registered with it, therefore, the library want me to shoulder the cost. As I said before. Fuck that!

Philips going to the nunnery, Pauline's happy in academic-land and Heather, well, she's basically stopped talking to me except when I'm feeding her on fridays. I'm drifting in a fog. I know what I want, but see no way of getting it. If I'm not careful, I'll descend into the realsm of pure studenthood. Frm what I can tell from being in university, most students these days are the beige of society, slumped around campas dresses in baggy brown clothes arguueing about crappy indi songs that all sound the fucking same. I seem to be using the word fuck a lot. Wonder if that has any deep psycological meaning.....ah fuck it.

Why has my muse deserted me? I can get through anything as long as I have an idea I need to get down on paper, but without...well, I'm fucked. What to do...? What to fucking do? I can't drink because of my medicine, I can't get high cause I'm too fucking sensible (and poor). No way to escape reality with my creativity on hiatus. Oh shit, I've being avoiding the 'r' word since primary 2, don't want it all crashing in on me at once.

I need to get away. To be somewhere absolutely new, and absolutely alone. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about letting my family down, about failing in university, about having no life and little to no prospect of one in the fucture.

My ears hurt a lot, and all the medication does is make me lose sleep, worry a hell of a lot more and get even angrier at bad actors.

Ever fell like you've made a mistake that you can't undo? I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for university. It's not that I can't do it, far from it, I could do most of the work in my sleep. That's where the problem lies. Nothing challenges me anymore, and the only class to even slightly spark my interest is History, but only when Professor Finlay is giving the lectures.

I feel so drained, so passionless. Every day I get up, ride the bus for an hour then sleep through uni with my eyes open. I haven't felt anything uther than the dull throb of bordem in the back of my skull since drama ended last year. And the worst of it is, I don't know how to get any of that feeling back. I have no time to myself, when I'm not working my mother needs me to help with caring for my grandfather, or my friends want to hang around and do either fuck all or go the bloody cathouse. Debs seems to feel the same as I do, but we're the only ones who actually want to do something adventurous over summer to combat this dead sensation. We could all manage a weekend or two on the continant, and since we have the car we could drive to places we've never been. We could even go to the Whitby Goth fesitval in October, and I can get my revenge on that Bloody 'Dracula Experiance'. Well, I could if the rest of my friends weren't either, lazy, cowardly, or heading to a nunnery (I swear that boy will become a god-damn priest at this rate)! Ireland would be good too, and it's not like we're jetting off round the world or anything. How can they be so afraid. We're young for christ's sake, and we might never have this chance again. Instead they want to spend all there time in my room playing the same old games on my PS2 and falling out over bordem.

I really wish I could get into drama school, but since all I have is my Advanced Higher they wouldn't even let me get my foot in the door. It's weird, I don't fit in a Uni because they take one look at me and say 'drama student' and I can't get to the academy because they say I'm too academic. Besides I can't let my parents down. I'm the sensible, good child. I just wish that if I can't do what I really want they would at least be happy with what I settled for for them. All they do is complain that I want to take the creative writing and english. They want me to do Politics, which is the single worst subject I have ever taken (and that included high school tech class)

I seem to be in an odd mood at the present. I'm cheerful, yet pissed off with just about everything. I''m annoyed at not being able to get drunk with my friends due to the fact they only need one cider to get wasted, at my feet, covered in blisters and cuts, so all I can wear is my oldest platforms (they are more comfortable then any normal shoe I've ever owned) that theaten to give way any minute.

Also, I find myself angry at a great many people. Bad actors (as always), pretencious arseholes who think they've got the greatest brain ever to grace the earth since they made it into the first year of uni. I bet at least half of those morons will drop out by the end of the first semester. I dearly want to kick the shit out of people on public transport who instead of giving up thier seat for the elderly or people with really young kids, give them a dirty look and flick the goddamn Sun in thier faces. People who read that excuse for a newspaper deserve to be fucked in the ear with syphilic cacti (but hey, that's probably writers pride, it's genitic, as is madness apparently). Aslo, the fuckers on Buchanan Street who keep preaching that evryone who deosn't sign over all thier mobey to them will go to hell. To you whore-hopping, chimp-buggered assholes, I simply say, you have the freedom to say what you want. I'm all for freedom of speech, but don't get so damn angry when I turn round and question you, and when you tell me my questions are heathenous, don't be surprised that I scream at you. I've been to two catholci schools, as a little kid and as a teenager. I've had enough people telling me not to ask questions to know that such people are slowly choaking to death on thier own shit. I'm studying journalism, I was born to ask questions you self-rightous arrogant mother fuckers, expect me to be angry when someone tries to stop me getting at the goddamn truth. Oh, and people who visit my eflwood gallery but don't comment, I know you're there! I can see it on the visit counter at the bottom of the page!

But worse is probably the kind of men I seem to attract. There's only one guy I met in the 'real world' (Matt) recently that I haven't wanted to castrate on sight with a blunt and infected instrument. But, at least my friends aren't trying to set me up with anyone anymore. I have certain rules -never set me up, never settle or be settled for and never lower my standards. Hmm, maybe I was right in my last conversation with Debs, romance in Scotland is dead, or at least viewed with fear and/or suspistion. Odd, considering the amount of trashy roamce novels set here. odded still in that I AM a romantic by nature, is it possible for me to survive with my romantic heart and cynical mildly paranoid mind. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

Finally wrting proparly again, novel's finanly out of the rut thanks to an old dictaphone I found. I prefer the old thing to the new ones on offer, partly because I don't have to have a PC to use it (MACS WILL INHERIT THE EARTH), but mostly beacuse it's heavy, it's real, tangable, not like the microscopic peices of shit I could have bought. Writing needs to be real, and since I never have time to write anything for myself, but seem to have plenty of time to wander round my house talking to myself, it all works out.

Well, I'm still unhealthily obsessed with a fictatious charctaer I evented aged six due to a blood-loss induced hallucination, I still have no job, next to no love-life, piles of university work to do which I haven't even looked at, and probably won't until two days before the deadline, so all the set books will be gone for the library. Oh well, cramming works for me, so does getting the books no one thought of using. Makes me look intelligent instead of lazy apparently. On the upside, I'm just pissed off enough to write well, have done a multitude of drawings on the bus home every day and because I haven't had time to eat and have had to walk around the city all day I'm getting fit. And I have n extra week on my history essay, and from what I heard, no one's even thought about examining the flip side of the question, and I have the only books to do it. People should really look passed the set booklists. Another thing for me to be cheerfully pissed off about.

I've worked out why I couldn't stand my early school life. I met someone from those far away days in Fresher's week (though I'm thankful that they were only visitiing, seeing them day after day at uni would be awful), and she's now a complete wreck. Alcoholic with two children, and another on the way. She still hates me, and would have assulted me if alcohol hadn't denied her use of her legs. Though everyone I know tells me I'm justified in hating her, I simply can't anymore. When I saw her lying on the floor of the bar, crying her eyes out and telling me what a twisted freak I was, I lost every bit of my anger and resentment. All I can feel is over-whelming pity for her, because as a child she had dreams of wealth and glory, and now is completely disillusioned. It's the reverse with me, as I've gotten older I've let go of my anger and bitterness regarding my old life, and am now making a new existnace for myself, with my creative passion untethered and my friends around me so we can help eachother.
    I don't feel guilty about turning away from the church either. She is still a zelous catholic, and I'm glad if it gives her some comfort. But when we were younger, she would stick pins in me when ever we were trotted into the church for services. I was told over and over by teachers and preachers that I was nothing without thier version of God, that without dedicated faith, I was nothing but an empty shell. I see now that I was never the empty one. I never depended on icons or the drama of wine and bread becoming blood and flesh, relying on myself for comfort, in the form of stories or my drawings I did on napkins (as there was never in real paper in my grandparents house). My creativity saved me from my suicidal thoughts as a child, and now I'm able to support myself with those same childish dreams. I'm glad I never grew dependant on the version of truth that was battered into me. I'm glad I stuck with my passion above all else. I only hope the girl I met again will be able to draw on her own strength in the future, as my attempts to consol her were only met with violence. I wish her all the luck and love I posess, and hope that she will understand that she has my full and unconditional forgiveness.

I had a discussion with a woman when the bus broke down. She was telling me that people are ruled by either their anger, or thier sadness, but generally show anger when sadness governs them or vise-versa. She was also telling me that the attainment of happiness is more important than personal freedom. I could not agree with her, even after she lectured me for the best part of an hour. What we are told is happiness (as Alan Moore pointed out in V for Vendetta) is a deceptive cage, holding us back from absolute freedom. True happiness can only be found when we have stepped out of our self-imposed confinement and ventured into the scary vast space beyond. I'd rather have that true freedom than the ideal of material happiness.

I keep seeing stuff about it being 'the soldier' who protects our freedom of speech, and I can't help but think, no. it's not. A soldier is payed by the army to follow orders, they are what they have always been, innocent poor people used as cannon fodder. However, I agree that our rights have been fought for, not by soldiers, but by warriors. People, warriors are self made, follow no orders and fight for what they believe is right. This can be down without guns or swords, and very often turns on the people who play puppet master with those in the armed forces. Warriors, not soldiers, truely defend our rights, be it with the pen or the sword.

I was talking to two very nice japanese tourists in the city today, just relaxing the Kelvingrove park as I like to do. After about half an hour of conversation they decied my name didn't suit me, and gave me a long list of alternatives, the only two I can remember being 'Aika' and 'Ouka' (please note i don't know the japanese spelling for the names and there was also the problem of a heavy accent which means I could have misheard them in the first place). Funny thing is, my drama friends told me the same thing. Hmm, I just think it's strange people want me to have a new name, I've sort of grown attack to my original one over the years.

I am suddenly very powerful, and let me tell you, it's fucking great! I now have complete control as far as my art class is concerned. The SQA really shouldn't leave confidential information lying around. You see, teachers get paid for each class they do. Nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that I, an Advanced Higher Student, share class time with the higher class. Thus, my teacher gets paid for two classes for using the time for only one class. However, that could all change. Art schools hate AH. It's only good for people like me who want a degree in the arts that does not involve and Art School (for me it's journalism and creative writing, for others it could be drama and so on). This means that a lot of people wanting to go to art school drop the course before finishing it. However, if less than 50 complete the course next year, it will be scrapped. Bye bye to the pay for AH classes. Now, art teachers are being told to inforce what students are directed to believe the course is (for example, freedom of a candidate to hold complete creative control of their folio). They have been instructed to inforce the curriculum, meaning, they did not do so before. After the shit I had to put up this year, I know that the course outline is different from what perspective candidates are lead to believe. After being lied to and jerked around and stressed and having my artistic freedom taken away, finding out that I am not the only candidate being force fed their bullshit PISSED ME OFF. So, I informed my teacher of the information I had. Having power over someone who's treated you like shit for a year feels good - really good. Now, I have ten days extra to have my folio finished, and she hasn't been calling my house trying to get me in (to do nothing) during exam leave I need for drama preperation. I wonder though, how next years AH class will react if I gifted them with this information? If they knew THEY had the power? If they quit, no more AH, and there's no pay for subject that doesn't exist. Ha! Having power is great!

Is it wrong to want to live my own life? My mother seemes to think so. I hate where I stand in my family, I love them but I'm not close to any of them. I can't name their favourite song, or the things they did in their youth that made them happy. They know nothing of me, giving me money whenever someone like the school or a writers group tell me my work is worthy of merit. Why does someone have to tell them that I can write? I want to be close to them, but every time I try they always find a way to avoid it, I'm not sure whether or not it's intentional. Tonight, we had my relatives over. However, every friday I meet up with my friends who I don't see that much any more, just to keep in touch and remind ourselves of why we are such good friends. I helped with the dinner, tidied the house, finished all my homework for the weekend, and asked to go over to Heathers. After just telling my brother he could do whatever he wanted, my mother told me I had to stay in because of my uncle and aunts' visit. For the whole night, I was never asked to say a word to them. I was upset as the night went on, because I won't see my friends for a few weeks during exams. My mother asked what was wrong, and I told her. She told me that we no longer had the mother-daughter relationship she thought I had because I was being so selfish. I drop anything and everything I'm doing to help my mother, and she turns against me for wanting one night of relaxation when I wasn't wanted in my house anyway. How does wanting a little time with my friends, who at least know me well enough to read my work and support me in what I do destroy nearly eighteen years of love between a mother and child? I can't see how I am the over-dramtic one just because I enjoy acting (which of course, I must give up for my family and become the university daughter they can boast about), when my mother is willing to cast me aside over something so trivial. How can she praise my writing awards I get for expressing myself, when she punishes me for telling me how I feel? My family don't read my writing, have never seen me act, reduced me to singing only when I am sure I am alone (when I was once an accomplished singer), and see no connection between me and my art work. I suppose it should come as no surprise that they know so little about me. I just wish I didn't have to choose between my own life and living the way that is acceptable to the family. Whenever I feel torn like this, all I want to do is write, paint, do something creative. But the muse is always strangled when I feel like this. Am I bad for even wanting to express myself at all. I guess I'll never know so long as I have to choose between the family I love, and the life I want so desperately.

I though I saw the woman I depised above all else today. It turned out to be a very unfortunate conicidence, but I can't think about anything else now. I was out walking to try and clear my head so I could study for my prelim exams. I saw a woman walking along the cycle track who looked (from behind) exactly like the headmistress of my first primary school. I couldn't make myself move, but I wanted to run home and never step outside again. I felt like I was 6 years old all over again, and I hated it. I couldn't breathe with fear, and I was filled with self-disgust for being so weak. The headmistress is in fact in jail, and will be for four more years at least. She was convicted of violent assault against students and teachers alike. She never smacked me around, that apparently began after I left, so I guess I should consider myself lucky. She had some sort of personal vendetta against my brother and I. Though she never physically hurt us, she was happy to leave me tangled in a barb-wire fence that the other kids pushed me into. Happy to leave me bleeding there until I couldn't even cry for lack of energy. To this day I have the scars on my arms and legs, and still suffer from anemia beacuse of it. The worst part was the mental abuse. She couldn't stand intelligence in children, so the fact I was reading Primary Seven books before I started school was definately not a good thing. I remember she used to always blame me for anything that went wrong in the class - paint spilled, books missing, chalk trampled in the carpet, anything slightly messed up. She would never call me by name, only 'the bad element'. Despite the fact I could read and write, I was of course a stupid and useless creature, who had to have a nanny because my parents went to work to avoid having to be around me. I remember very clearly the time she tore up a painting I had spent days on, saying I was possessed by the devil for daring to draw anything supernatural - it was a unicorn, a pure creature, a creature the devil would burn if he were to touch, a creature she would burn if she were to touch. to this day I fly into a rage if anyone even touches a painting, or something I've writtten without my permission. When I thought I saw her, I passed out for lack of oxygen. The poor lady whom I'd wrongly identified actually helped me, and was all for calling an ambulance until I explain my home was just down the road. I hate myself for being so damn weak. I stand up for anyone in need. The children I've been assigned in the School Buddy System all say they look up to me for being so weak. I'm the one voted "most likely to change the world" and "bravest/idiotic" in the school yearbook and I still can't lay this demon to rest. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! She's in jail, paying for her crimes. Why do I still let her effect me? I wasn't even the worst of her victems, so why do I get so scared at the thought that she might be lurking round the corner, ready to pounce and destroy me? I simply don't understand. I've stood up to groups of neds with knives who want me dead just for wearing a black coat, I've survived a near death experiance, I've been trample by horses, and almost choked to death in judo, I'm always wanting to take risks and would die to be heroic. What a hypocrite I am if I can't even stand up to one pathetic, shriveled cantankerous old witch. God, I just wish she would die, or fell the pain she put so many innocent children through. It's the damn catholic school system. they only take catholics to run the schools, so a vast number of good people don't even get a chance. We get stuck with people unfit for their posisition just because of a damn religion! How is destroying children, whom God is supposed to love best of all, serving God? I can't stand catholic stupidity, I can't stand her, I can't stand people like her, and I can't stand my own damn weakness!

I've decided to go against my parents wishes and persue my dreams of writing despite all obsticles. I've been recognised in Nation Compitions and have a never ending passion for writing, so why shouldn't I fight for my dream?

I am loseing control over my life again. I am sick of people telling me whats best for me without even knowing me. I am sick of people dashing my dreams of being a writer, condemning me to work in an office before I've even left school. Sentencing me (with no crime having been commmitted) to fade away behind cold grey walls. My worst nightmare. I hope other artistically minded people can understand how it feels to be denied all creative avenues. I feel suffocated, choaking and spluttering through an endless darkness. Music can stir nothing in me, my books lie collecting dust and my writing calls out to me, begging to be finished, but I cannot bear to even look at it. It would be better if I was not talented. I say this not to boast, it's a simple fact that people enjoy reading my work (when I've completetly finshed it, unfortunately my wyvrens page is full of uncorrected stories) and I feel truly alive when I create my tales. I wish I'd never found out the joy of it, then losing it wouldn't hurt so much. I just wish I could do what I want with my life, instead of living up to everyones expectations of me. Why is it always me who has to make everyone else happy? Why can I never be trusted to look after myself as I do for everyone else? Why do I have to be the stable one when all I want is my freedom? Why can't I just be myself again? Why....why won't I let myself fight back, as I fight for everyone I care about?

Three days, that's all it's been but it feels like so much longer. I promised that this time I wouldn't let myself become so miserable. Granted, school isn't enjoyable for many people, but now I'm in a pit of depression I'm sure others don't suffer. When I say depression I don't refer to the kind of false heartbreak that seems to be the current fashion. I feel empty, cold. It's as if the world is suddenly a dead place, where the blaring noise of clattering dance music and cruel sunlight bombard my dulled senses. I have been shattered and my parents have betrayed me. Art is one of the most important things in my life and now it has been renched beyond my reach. I HATE my art teacher, I loathe her narrow-minded hypocritical views on art. I despise the way she condemns any idea she cannot understand and disregards all of my concepts are non-sensical rubbish. She is a sly and cruel woman to me, not to the others. Last year it was poor Heather who bore the brunt of this suffering, now she is free of it and I am the wonded one. She never berates me when others are there, always there are the little 'heart to hearts' in her office, or catching me at lunch while I work in my free periods. She takes stinging jabs that she knows will hurt me alone, insulting artists I love (Dali, Watts and of course the masters of elfwood), condemning them as untalented hacks. She even went so far as to condemn Dali's character, bismirching the name of a dead master who cannot fight back, while knowing I am in no position to stand up for him. I see in her eyes and hear in the tone of her voice a loathing of me and my friends Heather and god knows how many other students. I miss my old art teacher terribly, at least she understood the nessicity for creative freedom in art, at least she treated everyone in the same way, never being all sweetness and light to some while poison to others. I just wish she would leave me alone, rather than taking every chance to destroy my love of art. My parents will do nothing without hard evidence, which of course she carefully avoids. My father had a similar problem when he was in school, with English rather than art. He rebelled, did what he wanted and attained an A band 1, the highest award for Higher, yet he has forbidden me to do the same. I cannot even voice my misery without being repremanded, both at school and at home. If this continues I will not emerge unscathed, already I feel sick with stress and abject saddness. I would give all of it up if I only could, but I cannot, because of both university requirements and my own selfish pride and determination to never admit defeat to a bully. That's what she is, a bully, who cannot stand anyone straying from her rigid little system of art. I will continue, but I fear that this ordeal will cause me to lose the love and desired to do any art ever again. I will be too empty to create anything.

I've come to the conclusion that I only stay connected to the real world by fantasy and other wonderful unrealities and stay sane by total submission to all that is insane.
I've been dead, and so know what life is more than those around me.
I see beauty everywhere, even in the shapes the rain makes on crumbling council houses or the creatures born in the air from sickening tobacco smoke.
I love everything I see with a breaking heart.
No truth can ever come from hate, but people have heard the same lies so often that they believe it to be the truth. When a lie is the truth what does that make all of us?
Art is what makes humaity. There is always truth when free from the constraits of logic and rules.
The stars are beautiful.

I've finally finished my first novel, it's all redraughted now... it's so wierd. I've been working on my book for over three years (well writing it anyway, I've ben working on the story since I was 6)? Now what am I supposed to do. Do all writers feel this empty and confused when they finish a long term project? When I had my book to work on I could use it to block out the outside world, now what can I use? Without the anchor my story has become over the years I feel so lost, and now what am I to do with it? Should I go ahead and try for publication, will anyone take a seventeen year old seriously? What will I do if I face continual rejection? What if I actually succeed in getting published but then no one buys the book? What if once it's printed I realise something that would make the story a million times better? What should I do?

Several thing occur to me. One - I have never written a love letter, which seems incredibly sad, but I can't write one as the only guy I actually have feelings for is happily taken. Two - My art teacher is a hypocrite. She spends so much time teeling me about how the best artists rebelled, and then tries to suck all my creativity out of me in a painful and mentally warping extraction. Three - Seventeen is a bad age, I should just skip to Eighteen. Four - Love really sucks when it's unrequited love. Five - I have to get over my childhood tramuas (demented grandmother, bullying both from children and evil headteacher with vendetta against my family, absent parents ect) or they will plague me forever. Five - I cling fantasy because it's better to hold on to something that never really existed because you can have it taken away. Six - It doesn't matter what people are told, people will find the truth they need the most ans stick to it no matter what, and finally Seven - In spite of everything that has ever happened to me, everything I have ever done I still want to be a hero more than anything in the world. And whether it's because of or in spite of everything that's happened to me, that is one thing that will never change.