It has been crazy at my house so i haven't been able to come as much as i would like. i hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and happy new year.

I finally got my computer fixed. It's been broken for months and now it's finally working.

if anyone would like me to make them a tarot card please go to the wiki on my page called tarots. it tells you all the different types of cards and what they mean. just say what kind you want and what typpe of picture you would like with the colors you would like it done in and i will make it and send it to you on here in a couple of days. if you already have a picture you want done just put it up in the wiki. i hope everyone has a good day and for all the moms out there happy mothers day.

sometimes i really wonder what the hell does it matter how i feel. it really doesnt matter to me but it seems to mind everybody else. so here is how i feel if you give a damn. im upset, sad. frustrated, and annoyed but it doesnt matter to me. so yea if you care then you know how i feel if you dont well then you know now anyway. so whatever.

I dont know ath i should feel or think anymore. i think that everything that i ahve worked so hard for is crubbling down on me. i dont know wether i should keep fighting or just give up. i put on a mask for my family so they do not see how i am feeling. i dont want them to know because they will make a big deal about it and tell the rest of the family, there friends, and the people that they work with what is going on. its like there is no privacy at my home. so i let my emotions cunsome me and eat me alive. i have tried to talk to my bf but that is the prob we are on the rocks and i have no idea why. i am depressed and i dotn know what to do about it. i have talked to my best friend about he is a year or two younger then me and he is like a little brohter to me and he hasnt been able to help me. he tells me what i need to hear and what i want to hear but it does not help at all. i was a born fighter and peace maker all in one but i have lost my piece of mind and i cant find my fighting spirit. i have lost my light and i dont know how to gain it back. my bf n i have been together for 4 years and it feels like it means nothing to him at all. yet it means the world to me to be with someone for so long and to find someone who really cares about me. but i dotn know if he really does care anymore. i cant sleep anymore. i havent been eating right. all i want to do is cry. yea im a tough bitch that is how i was raised to be but i am not made of stone. i do bleed when i get cut i do feel emotions like everyone else yet people treat me like i am made of stone well im not im made of glass right know and yea i explode with anger but that is who i ma right now. no one knows the secerts that i keep inside that are killing me so much. i cant talk to my bf about them because he doesnt want to listen to me bc they are about him and our relationship. yea sunday is my bday and fathers day yet i do not feel like celebrating my bday at all. normally i eamil everybody i talk to and bug my fam about my bday but this year i havent done it once. i dont care anymore i have lost everyhting and i feel like shit. all i do to go to sleep is cry. yea i cry if you got a problem with taht then kiss my ass im a girl and i am very emotional so i am aloud to cry. i feel like i have been lied to for years and im starting to have a hard time trusting people even my own friends. i am going through hell ive been in hell for years n i have no hope of getting out anymore. i feel hopeless, lost, confused, heart broken, and used. so yea my life is fucked up n i feel like it is only going to get worse. if you dont like that i swear oh well its who i am right now. if you dont like what you have read then thats your problem no one forced you to read my diary about how i feel n think n how my life is going so dont blame me for something that you did to your self. if you really give a damn about me then just tell me. if you want to comment then dont sugar code what you want to say just say it how you want to even if you think it will hurt me. i may be glass but i am sharp.

I know i havent been on as much lately but im kind of depressed about a lto shit that is going on in my life. im having huge family problems and im stuck in the middle of it all. my ferret tiger just died on the 3rd of htis month so yea. i had to put him to sleep his kidneys and liver shut down and the vet doesnt even know why. so yea i havent really been in the mood to talk to anyone. im starting to feel better now but yea it will take me some time to get fully better.

im sick as all hell which sucks. my bf was taking care of me when i got sick now im taking care of him because i made hi sick. i had this damn cold for a week now and i dont seem to be getting better only worse. so for the people i promised pics for just be patient please once my cold is gone i will be finishing your pics so you can have them. so if im not on for a couple of days at a time you all know why im very sick with a cold the refuses to go away.

It finaly hit me for the first time. all the friends i made in high school dont give a living hell that im breathing. its funny i used to help them on a day by day basis and they cant even send me a freaken message unless i message then first. i guess there lives are so good now that they dont need me anymore. i feel used and hurt by this but mostly pissed off. when they need me im there for them helping them with any problem that they got but when i need them or when i want to chat with them they are no where to be found. i understand that they our living there life but the bs that they pull has finaly pissed me off. this one girl that i met in jounor high we where best friends the first day we met. now she barly even talks to me. i messaged her on halloween all she says is thank you. when i email her she doesnt email me back til a year later if im lucky. im tired of the bs. i cant believe that it took me this long to realize that more then half the firends i made in high school dont give a shit about me unless they need me for something. i feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. so yea my day hit the fan when i found out that my own best friend doesnt give a shit about me. so for any one who doesnt give a shit about me jsut say it to my face so i dont get hurt and i dotn get pissed.

well i just strated going to college and i told the unemployment office that n they sent me a stupid letter saying they are not going to pay me till i have a meeting with them. its like what the fuck! it so pisses me off. on a brighter note im doing good in school i got a B+ so far i hope i can hold it or make it better. other then that ive been doing ok. im trying to figure alot of stuff out. im so confused on alot of things but its ok i guess. i mostly stay at my bfs house instead of my parents since i have more fun over here and i dotn have ot listen to my parents and sister at each others throats everyday. other then all that crap ive been doing school work til its doen which takes forever thats why im not on as much and im trying to spend alot of time with my bf. i want my relationship with him to get better. we dotn fight as much or at all anymore which is good. we are just starting to open up to each other alot better now. i still havent told him everything about me but thats because i have no idea how to put it in words. alot of it im also ashamed of yea it might of happend many years ago but i still dont feel good about it. im trying to open up alot. its really hard for me since im so used to keeping my wall up so no one can hurt me and i dont have to think of all the bad things. but i cant do that anymore i hide my feelings. ive done it for years. i cant tell my family my feelings bc they make a big deal out of it. my friends from high school i cant tell bc they will bitch me out and make a big deal out of it so you can see why i dont open up as much. i learned as a kid to keep my feelings hidden and my thoughts and memories a secret. so im confused about who i really am and who i want to be.i know for a fact that im crazy and a pain in the ass. anywho i got to go do some more work.

well i have been looking for a long time for a job n college. i finally found one of them i found a college thta i really want to go to n i can go online so i dont have to get my self stuck where i cant go to school bc of ride problems or if im sick i can do it right from home. im so freaken happy that i could scream n jump up n down like crazy. im finally going to get my life moving again. now all i got to do is talk to my parents n bf n see what they all say about it. my parents will ask the usual questions n be happy. my bf will ask a bunch of questions give me a speech n make sure that i will be ok n i wont get stuck with a large bill or anything. my bf is such a sweet heart he always looks out for me n wants the best for me n whats even better i can still be with him while i go to school since i can use my computer to do it. im so happy im going to be 21 this saturday n my life is going good. now all i need is a job n my own apt n i will be living great. i cant wait to find a job so i can get my own place. so my life is moving alot faster then it was n more then i thought that it would in a long time so yea im happy im healthy im doing great.

my computer is being majorly stupid today n i have no clue why. its driving me crazy n its upsetting me so yea im kinda having a momment so yea. all i wanted to do was to give my bf some info on his n my game so he could print them at work and all went to HELL. i feel like shit bc of a stupid cold n this stupid computer of mine. im sorry if im being snipping n that im ranting but i cant help it. all my friends understand how i am n if ur not my friend then u wouldnt understand n if u have a prob with me ranting n raving about my noight of hell then message me to my face telling me so n i can promise u that im on a war p[ath bc i will give u all my probs then curse u to hell for all my friends n bf ur al cool people n u can complain to me n i dont care bc u tolorat me so i can tolrat u. for people who dont know me i dont have to take ur shit. my raving is done.

all has been hecktic since my key board broke a couple weeks ago so yea i havent been able to get on i just got the key board fixed thanks to my bf he fixed it for me. at least my computer company gave me a free key board so yea its all good. so all is good my christmas and new years was amazong i got to spend it with my family n my bf so all is good.

if anyonw wonders why it takes me a while to read ur email when im on n write bakc its bc my older sister beat me yesturday really good. i have bumps on my head n red marks on my face n nail marks on my throat so yea i was beaten pretty good. if ur wondering why i was beaten its bc i told her no so yea i got beat for no reason so yea im kinda slow in the head bc my head is still all scrablled so yea if u want to knwo all the details just send me a private message n i will answer u with the truth n details the best i can since my head is all jumbled.

well my weekend was great til it was time to go home my bf took me out to eat n said lets go back to my place for a little bit n i get my stuff so i can go home he said he would drive me since i have been coughing alot n its really icky outside well after a while of talking with him he gets ready n goes to bed n i got stuck walking home when its all cold and windy now i feel even more sick then i was b4. n he wonders why i didnt give him a hug or a kiss good night n didnt talk to him b4 i left his house. i think it was rude of him to offer me a ride if he wasnt even going to do it. i text him telling him why yet he hasnt responded to ay of my texts. im really ticked off abotu this the whole reason he said he would drive me homw was bc he didnt want me to get any worse now i feel worse all bc he decided to be a jerk n have me wlk home in the cold. so yea im annoyed at him majorly bc it wants right what he did i was so mad at him that i didnt even turn on his fan and turn off his light when i left his room. so yea right now my bf can jsut leave me alone till he explains to me why he pulled what he pulled i dont like those stupid little games of someone saying they r going to do something n dont do it knowing that its going to hurt the persons feelings. well i feel hurt n sick as all can be im having trouble breathing n im coughing alot now more then i was i was starting to get over my cold now its getting worse then what it was. so yea im annoyes n im ranting but i really dont care anymore. i know my bf comes on here once in a great while n i hope he reads this n gets the message of u gone n pissed me off n hurt my feelings n i deserve n explanation n im sorry for not doing what i said i would do for u to keep u safe n healthy. so yea he better get the message or hes going to have alot of silence n dirty angry looks ocming his way for a while til i get my demands.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
Just like you

The Roses are wilted
The Violets all Dead
The Sugar Bowls Empty
Just Like Your Head

my friend wrote this too i think its sweet and funny. [Dark unatural] wrote this poem.

boneless wings, and some JD
come my friends and sit with me
grab a plate and get a glass
well get drunk you bet your ass
dart boards gone, dont know what to do
lets throw them at our friend stu.
he wont mind, he's all inked up.
holy crap you hit him in the nuts.
i would drive but i have to spew.
what else was there for me to do.
got him there with a minute to spare.
they shaved him and now he's bare.
found the dart turns out we missed
boy is our fried stu pissed.
went back home and drank some more.
woke up everyones passed out on the floor.
i yell fire, they run for the door.
guess they wont drink with me no more.

my friend wrotw this n i think its really funny. [Dark unatural] wrote this poem.

it is funny u try so hard to keep it all together yet its hard to hold on when ur hands r all wet from the tears that u have wiped away. no matter hard u try to hold on it slips away even more little by little. it is so hard to deal with that fact but when there is only two things that u can do it hurts alot. u can hold on or let go both hurt so much but one hurts more then the other u be the judge which one hurts more. holding on the best u can or letting go?