Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire
and nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could require, is this love?
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me
Guard my dreams, figure this out,
It's me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell.
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up and all that I have
is God. Take this and all,
Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.

Oh yeah. actually wrote a poem too... It's for my friend sam, she wanted compensation fro a favor xD. So here it is...

Footsteps in the Snow

Walking softly through the snow,
Whitest, white, purest floe
Through it I walk, quite alone,
In life, in snow, in home

From above I see a flake, It lands
Slowly, slowly upon my hand,
Choosing me and no other,
How I love that little snowflake,
White as white, light as a feather


Slowly the footsteps fade from the snow,
And I know it must soon fade,
I twiddle away at my soul,
Until I, too fade


And no one will ever know…
No one would ever know




And how many girls can reasonably love one guy before it gets ridiculous? Seriously. Sheesh.

wish I could eat the salt off of your lost faded lips

We can cap the old times, make playing only logical harm
We can cap the old lines, make playing that nothing else will change
But she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
She can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

But It's different now that I'm poor and aging. I'll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck


We can find new ways of living make playing only logical harm
And we can top the old times, claim-making that nothing else will change
But she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
She can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

It's different now that I'm poor and aging, I'll never see this place again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck
But it's different now that I'm poor and aging, I'll never see this place again
And you go stabbing yourself in the neck

It's in the way that she poses, it's in the things that she puts in my head
Her stories are boring and stuff, she's always calling my bluff
She puts, she puts the weights into my little heart
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart
She puts the weights into my little heart
I said she puts the weights into my little heart

She packs it away
She packs it away
She packs it away
She packs it away
She packs it away
She packs it away
She packs it away

It's in the way that she walks
Her heaven is never enough
She puts the weights in my heart
She puts, oh she puts the weights into my little heart

She Is
The Fray

Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
(2x)

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
(2x)

This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
(2x)

She is everything I needed
She is everything


No Amy, I doubt you could understand. But it is when we are weakest that we are strongest. And when you have nothing, anything is possible, is it not? Perhaps one day you'll understand. I hope your clarity comes with much less pain involved. I'm not sure even I understand it. But I know what I've been told to do, and I'm doing it as well as I can, as stupid as it seems. In humbling me, he proved that he knew better than I, and I the word says he wants what best for me. I'm sorry it has to be like this. It's just the way it is. I have no power to change your feelings for me then I do to change hers for me. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. But life rarely moves the way we'd like, and trust me. I'd like very much to be gone from here. But whenever I try to leave, I disgust myself and find myself looking to God. Who leads me back here. I don't know why. I wish I could get you all to understand. I don't fucking want this. I really don't. She probably thinks I'm obsessed and crazy, you pity me, Sam thinks I'm misguided. It's not the way it was supposed to be. This wasn't how my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to love the girl who loved me. Well guess what, shit happens. I'm sorry to you all. I'm sorry Nicole has to trreat our church like a plague just because I'm there, I'm sorry That Sam has to deal with me constantly. I'm sorry Rachelcouldn't fix everything while trying to fix nothing. I'm sorry everyone has to deal with all of this. I'm sorry most of all for you Amy, who has to know how I have felt for so long.

But. God has a plan, doesn't he? I don't know what, but I'm here for a reason and I know what he wants me to do, but why. I simply can't fathom it. Is there still yet more for me to learn from all this? I don't understand.

I'm sorry I'm not as omnipotent as you all want me to be. Book, numbers, ideas... These are all things I understand. Tactics, logic, manipulation are all my bread and butter. People, Hearts, love? These are not the things I was made for. So why are they the things I'm stuck dealing with. You simply can't understand. No one can understand. I'm so sorry to both of you. Why is it that I only manage to truly hurt the people I truly love? Why? Dammit. This isn't helping. This can't be how the story ends, can it?

Wine Red

The Hush Sound

Who shot that arrow in your throat?
Who missed the crimson apple?
It hung heavy on the tree above your head

This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect
Give your immortality to me; I'll set you up against the stars

Gloria,
We lied, we can't go on
This is the time and this is the place to be alive

Who shot that arrow in your throat?
Who missed the crimson apple?
And there is discord in the garden tonight

The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied

I cut the arrow from your neck
Stretched you beneath the tree
Among the roots and baby's breath
I covered us with silver leaves

Gloria,
We lied, we can't go on
This is the time and this is the place to be alive

The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied

The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied

The sea is wine red (Gloria, we lied)
This is the death of beauty (we lied, this is the time and place)
The doves have died (Gloria, we lied)
The lovers have lied (this is the time and place)

Take me down to where you think I belong.
You can't rescue me, you ain't that strong.
You don't know no better,
I'm not gonna tell you any better.
Can you turn this pale water to wine?
If you can do that, I think we'll be fine.
But you can't raise a sinner.
And it's not me, but honesty, that's died.

Blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin.
Your body's sending questions to answers
You can't give, or can you give?

If you throw me a line, I'll only drag you in,
This isn't New York City and the ice is thin.
Keep your eyes open up all night,
I'll be gone by the moment, it strikes daylight.
Believe in fate and now you think their lies.
I never meant to hurt a soul alive.
I'm still searching for what you can't give,
The further I wander, the less I know what it is.

Blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin.
My body's sending promises that I cannot keep.

Well we are blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't where you stop and where I begin.
Your body's sending questions to answers,
You can't give, or can you give?

Blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin.
My body's sending promises that I cannot keep.

Well we are blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin.
Your body's sending questions to answers,
You can't give or can you give?

Blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin.
My body's sending promises that I cannot keep.

Well we are blurring lines between love and sin.
Can't tell where you stop and where I begin.
Your body's sending questions to answers,
You can't give or can you give.


I'm sorry Amy, but I'm sure you know what this means.

"You're a silly little man, you know that?"

Slap.

The Staff tore into Albireo's back once more, then the Phase slammed the hardwood into the small of his back. The sound of the air rushing out of his lungs was all Albireo could hear. The strangely serene face of Emeria's corpse the only thing he could see.

I let all this happen. It's all my fault, it's all..

Slap.

The thought got cut off as Albireo once again gasped in pain. The blindfolded eyes of Fidchell entered his field of vision, staring at him, through him, into him, all while not staring at all.

"You destroyed all of my brethren, you escaped from their tomb. It would seem that you saved all your world, wouldn't it? You even had yourself a woman."

He spit on Emeria, and Albireo had to fight the impulse to reach out and smack him. THe spittle marred the otherwise perfect features, those eyes that would never look into his heart again, the lips that would never mock or joke with him, the hair that he would never see flow in the breeze again...

"Did you think you could fight fate? Did you honestly think I was that weak, so pliable? It's inescapable, even for.."

Slap. Groan.

"...Heroes."
The last word was voiced with such hatred, such contempt, that Albireo could almost sympathize with the man, after all, he had lost everything. Almost, but not quite.

"And now. Now you'll pay, just like she did."

Slam. Sigh. Oblivion.

Take me away,
I haven't the heart to stay,
Take me away,
I'll never know what to say,
So take me away.

Let All things again be made

From the highest point of tallest peak,
To the swirling seven seas,
From the very least of the meek,
To the greatest Liege,
I hear the creator say,
“Let all things pass away”

From the lovers frolicking in their fields,
To the debtors starving in their cells,
From the soldier hiding behind solid shield,
To the shepherd, herding on lonely knell,
I hear the creator say,
“Let all things pass away”

Then from the blasted ruins of flame,
To the valleys of molten stone,
From the blasted palace of high fame,
To the base on once-proud throne,
I hear the creator say,
“Let all things again be made”

From the half-starved child,
Suckling mothers breast,
To the man of old wiles,
Praying for eternal rest,
I hear the creator say,
“Let all things again be made”

Shining light so bright,
A world of no wrong or right,
A land of naught but love; joy,
Where man can still be boy,
And then the creator stood,
And said that all things were good.

Heavier Things Remain (Graviora Manent)

A hallow hallelujah hangs in the corner
With the rest of our dissolving years
You're the storm and the cold
The dove and the bone
The ghost that relieves all my fears
The life is spent from cold (???)
As years and sheets unfold
We'll be able to sleep all alone

(Weight of the world...)
The weight of the world is on top of me
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else
(Weight of the world...)
The weight of the world is on top of me
And I want you here all to myself

Like a land-worthy sailor
I even falter at failure
Trying to find my heading back home
You're the cure and the disease
The vice I still need
The cast and the break in my bones
You're the life that's worth living
The hurt and forgiving
You're Jesus to the demons you've put in my head

(Weight of the world...)
The weight of the world is on top of me
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else
(Weight of the world...)
The weight of the world is on top of me
And I want you here all to myself

The weight of the world is on top of me
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else
(Weight of the world...)
The weight of the world is on top of me
And I want you here all to myself

(Weight of the world...)
The weight of the world...
(Weight of the world...)

The weight of the world is on top of me
And I want you here all to myself

I wish we could love,
But I know we'll always hate,
I wish life was easy,
But I know it'll never be so,

I wish you could smile,
But I know you'll just cry,
I wish you could feel alive,
But I know you'll just die,

I wish we could hope,
But I know we're just doomed,
I wish we could be found,
But I know we're always lost,

So where will you go?
Salvation is here.
So where will you go?
Damnation is here.

(And we hide in our hearts 'til they can't beat no more,
We cry in our shells 'til they're withered and worn,
We won't learn to live 'til it's too late and we die,
And we can't ever see 'til we have no more sight.)

Volte Face

What happened?

Why can’t I listen to your voice?
Why can’t I look you in the eyes?
Why can’t I find your smile?
Why can’t I touch you?
Why do I fear meeting you?

When did it happen?

Did I stop following your voice?
Did I stop searching for your eyes?
Did I lose your smile?
Did I avoid your touch?
Did I run away from you?

Nothing happened,
Never happened.

I still hear your voice amid the silence.
I still desire your eyes upon me.
I still want your smile.
I still dream about your touch.
I still look for you everyday.

I keep going.
Keep going because I know the truth.

If sound feeds the soul,
It is your voice that keeps me alive.
If ones’ eyes are windows of truth,
Yours show only mystery to me.
If a smile is happiness itself,
Your smile is my greatest joy.
If a touch means affection,
I’ll never give yours up.
If the search is endless,
I’ll make it a meeting.

I think of you, my heart aches.
I think of you, feel the scent of your hair.
I think of you, I remember how much I need to see you again.
I think of you, ask myself if I’m still alive.

And I realize, again, the truth.

I’m not alive,
For you are not with me.
Away from you I’m just a shell,
A shell, not at all human.

I only live the moments of you,
The moments with you.
Only when I am closer to you,
To your voice,
To your eyes,
To your smile,
To your touch,
Closer to finding you.

Only then I’m alive
Only then I can breathe.
Only then I feel my heart beating again.

It’s you that makes me hang on.
It’s for you that I keep hanging on.
And, for you, I’m never letting go.


(and no Amy, this is NOT for you :p)

("We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
It just won't fade Away)

Last night he dreamt of beauty,
Last night he dreamt of love,
Last night he dreamt of hopes realized,
Last night he was happy once again.

This morning he awoke to a world of nothing,
This morning he awoke to a world of ashes,
This morning he awoke to a world of lies,
This morning he drowned in his tears again.

"Poor, poor dreamer, for how should one ever find the strength or the power to make ones dreams real? How must it feel to be trapped in a world of your own imagining, where everything is just as you'd ever want it, only to awake and find yourself in a world that cares nothing about you? Where nothing is as you would have it? Where love means nothing, honor is foolishness, and Hatred is very real. How out of place such a person must feel. Can you imagine waking every morning and simply wishing to die? I do every morning."