Ugh. I feel so sad right now. I mean, I was so happy earlier. I wonder what went wrong?

I asked Mark to the choir banquet. He said yes. He's unofficially got a girlfriend, and guess what? It's not me.
I hate being selfish at times like these, so I'll send him off with a smile. Plus, he's a junior. Why would he want to be with a stupid freshmen like me? I guess age DOES matter.

And I don't know why, but being around all these people with proud hispanic heritages...it makes me sad to be Korean. That's insane...I mean, they don't call it Korean Pride for nothing. So why do I feel this way?

Oh, yeah...Mark's from Miami. And did I mention that his roots are hispanic? Elli's Puerto Rican, and she's always speaking of her roots.

I feel so small. Voiceless; speechless. Unable to stand up after falling.

What's wrong with me?!
For the second time, on a Monday, love has taken the best of me and stomped on it.

I'm majorly disappointed, but it's nothing I can't overcome given time. But...I think...I actually loved Mark.
It wasn't a crush. It wasn't infatuation. It was...no, IS actually love.

I even daydreamed of marriage...children...highschool prom together...Prom King and Queen. I had all these crazy notions, but I know that none will come true...at least, not with the one I love right now.

It'll all pass, but for now, I'm absorbed in my sadness. I don't need words of encouragement or anything, I just need to sit here, quietly...and time will heal all the fresh wounds gained by the past week's and today's heartbreaks.

Hahaha...Life is so funny. So...funny.

It seems that Andrew wants to patch things up with his previous girlfriend...heheheh...I mean, I can't stand in their way or anything...That...would be wrong, right?
No...it would be completely wrong...

Hahaha...life...ha. Why am I letting such a small thing get to me?
Oh, I remember why now...
I thought...someone really loved me...for the first time...
I didn't have to worry about anything...I was safe, secure...
And now he'd rather be with his old girlfriend.
I...hope they're happy together.

Why am I so darn hurt? This isn't anything I can't get over. So why? Oh well. I feel pretty hurt, but not ONE tear will be shed over this. It's not worth my tears, methinks. So I won't cry. I'll be a bit sad, but won't cry.

<_< *calls* Oh, Mark...>_> Are you still available? XD

Ugh. Today was the best day. Today was the worst day. I have such mixed emotions.

Who...do I love? Is...is it Mark? I feel so secure around him, so loved. But...that was only today. Yet, I sense nothing. He's always so passive...I wish...that if he has feelings for me beyond friendship...that perhaps he'd show me? I need a sign. I...think I love him.

And Andrew...loves me. He's told me. Yet...whenever he hugs me...I feel no love. I don't feel safe in his arms. I feel...wavering. Unsteady. Insecure.

Alex seems to have feelings for me...He's always trying to arrange things, and I'm going to the prom with him...As friends. I see him as a friend, and that's all. I don't think anything else can come of our friendship. But...it still worries me. I don't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt Andrew.
I think I love Mark.

What shall I do? I've suddenly gained a life...yet...it leaves out the simple pleasures I once had. But I can't complain. This new life...It's...unlike anything I'll ever experience again. So I must remember this...forever.

I think I love Mark. As much as I've already stated this, I believe it might be the truth. I never thought he was capable of such kindness...such sincerity. He...he is just... Oh, I don't know... There's this feeling I get around him. And I don't want it to go away. -_- That feeling of warmth and love...I can still feel it, even though the feeling surged through me hours ago. -__- I just...have to make up my mind somehow...

Please...give me strength. Kamala...Charles...my dear friends. I'm thinking about you...
Will I be able to walk out of the darkness successfully?
...What will happen next?

Andrew is...so romantic. He always knows what to say. He always needs affection. And he loves me.

And...for the first time, I have to choose one boy...out of two that like me. It's very strange for me, knowing that at the moment, i'm playing with their hearts. I hate it. Why? Because this is what my mother does. She feeds off of the attention and complements, and is vague about her true feelings for them. Practically, they're hanging by a thread, and they don't even know it.
And I hate it.
And by no means do I want to be referred to as a two-timer, or a slut. Because I prefer to be modest. And that description...is demoralizing.

So. Here's the deal. I only like one of them, Alex, as a friend, and nothing more. He asked me to go to the prom, and I still don't know. My mom's pressuring me to go, and I kinda want to, but only AS FRIENDS. And all of this is troubling Andrew, because he dosen't want me being hurt. And I don't want to hurt him.
So....I guess I have feelings for Andrew after all? But...I don't know. >_> I just don't know.
He makes me feel...special. Like...I'm actually loved. And...he's funny. He always tells me he loves me, and dosen't mind that I don't say it back. (I can't return any answer as of yet, because I am still unsure of my wavering emotions) And...<_< I don't know what to do. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
He loves me...

Diary, I'm going to soil your pages...Yes, that's right. This entery will consist of cusswords. *nods head* Yes, I'm THAT pissed off right now.~~~
I am soo mad right now. I hate Tony. That stupid man. Violating the sanctuary I call home. He's my mom's new ******* obnoxious boyfriend. He's **** stupid, ugly, and smells. He smokes. And reaks with the stench of tobacco. Stupid... I hate him.
******, my mother never tells me when she invites these ******-******* ****** men over...I feel so invaded. And not only that, he's coming over to our ******* Easter, and STAYING...I'm so pissed off. And ******, my mother thinks that it's HER **** RIGHT to not tell me. That's so ******* retarded.
SHE ******* OWES ME. FOR EVERY **** UNFAIR THING THAT SHE'S PUT ME THROUGH. SHE ******* OWES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's made me stay home alone...go to my damn grandparent's, and put up with all sorts of things I hate... And for what? A **** ******-******* MAN WHOM I HATE. I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I'm crying. I'm so unhappy. This will be the suckiest Easter ever.

Okay, I've regained consciousness...Sorry about all of that stupid bad language...I tried to asterisk all of it, an attempt of saving myself from embarassment. But when I get super angry, the words just flow out of my mouth/mind, and they get typed easily. But...I'm just so upset... Life has been so unfair to me, and it's making me very sad.

What exactly is love? I think I am "in love," but I am still quite unsure of the meaning and feeling of love...(well, outside of family). Is it...when you think you like someone? No, that's a crush... But what on earth is love? I wish someone could explain it to me...but I'm sure each person's explanations would be different. I'm sure when I truly experience love, I'll know for sure. But for now, I am in the dark (literally, too!), searching for answers...

Dear Diary,
Sigh sigh sigh...I still have a dialectic journal due in English! And I just finished a two page essay in World Geography and a diagram in Biology! Oh!!! I also have to read and annotate 60 pages of the novel I'm reading!!!!! O.O I have too much homework T-T I hate Pre-AP/Honors classes...They're too hard...Well, I think English is my main concern. But at least I'm in the top 10! I have an 88 in that class, which is a B...I have A's in Algebra and World Geo., but I think I have a B in Biology. Well, I did have a C in there, so that's ok for now. Sigh sigh sigh...Once again with the triple sigh. But I only do that when something's bothering me. AND SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME!!!!!
I drew pretty pictures though. ^^;;;;; Instead of my homework...Oops. XD I am making a random, stupid manga with no storyplot. It sucks, but I think the pictures of this one maiden is B-U-T-ful! Heheheheh...well, I really gotta go now!

I finished my drawing of sakura/sariru, but now to color it...@.@<(Oroo?!) I have inked it, andit turned out okay...
But I started on they eyes...and the red eyeshadow is too dark! T.T But I must continue. And I REALLY messed up on the eye color and such! But I'm hoping that the skin color will make everything better...XD

I finished my drawing of sakura/sariru, but now to color it...@.@<(Oroo?!) I have inked it, andit turned out okay...

Konnichi wa. I am eating Korean soup. It fills me with yummy goodness, yet I am still bored. Mom is on her computer talking to one of her boyfriends...ugh, she has 2 boyfriends that I can think of already. Who knows how many more she has?!
Sigh. I wish I could make more friends on elftown. And I wish that the friends I make would be online! Kamala, if you're reading this, I missed you by 48 minutes!!!

Sigh... So much for my first diary entery!