(I think I'll make an entry daily. ^_^;;)

So, Diary...
Tell me. Do you think the chances of me reaching my yearly goals are slim?
Diary: "Well...If you don't work at it, then yes, your chances are very slim."
...Yes, you are absoloutely correct, diary. *nods* That means I should stop eating these stupidly addictive hot cheetos right now. That also means that as soon as I'm done writing in you, I must immediately work on my tough chem homework which I do not understand. But that's nothing wikipedia can't solve, right, diary? ^^;;;;;

Well, diary, my day went alright. The first 20 minutes of my morning sucked, but I bit my lip and went on with the rest of the day in stride. As for chemistry...the grade on my last test was a 60. ;_; But oh well...I'm going to make arrangements to talk to my counsellor. There's so much I must do by tomorrow, it isn't even funny. >_<

Anyway...I'm taking up too much time. I'd like to get to bed tonight!!!

So yeah...^^;; Thanks once again for hearing me out, wonderful ET Diary of mine. *hugs the diary*

(Hmm...why not?)

Dear Diary,
This week has been very...stressful.
Monday was horrible; APWH really upset me, homework always piles up, there's a deadline in schedule changing. Must make decisions quickly.
Tuesday: Some stupid freshmen whom is my "friend" made me really angry...didn't see Perci but 2 moments that day, everything seemed to be wrong.
Wednesday: Definitely better than teh other two days: Saw Perci in the morning, had an "intensive"(as I like to call it) choir rehersal(sp?) with Mr. Haygood--felt like my skill increased a tiny bit thanks to his rigorous teaching skills...Went to lunch with Fredo. Overall good day...

But this evening lacks something...It lacks...laughter? Well...my PSAT scores really put a damper on the evening...Earlier today, when I first saw the scores...Well...I didn't know what to think. Some people said that the scores were really good; others bad. So I didn't know...I guess when I found out that they really do suck...Well, it makes me feel dumb and such. *shrugs and sighs* There's always next year, though. *nods* I just have to apply myself whole-heartedly...and I must must must STUDY...which I never do...but really must do.

I also haven't been following my New Year's Resoloutions...which kinda makes me angry with myself.
I'm definitely not where I want to be.
I'm 100 pounds...I'm always eating...I don't study...I dont' do the homework most of the time...@__@ It's horrible.
Plus, I'm not being assertive like I wanted to be. I must really learn from this.

Sorry for complaining, diary. I just feel the need to vent, I suppose. And where better, ne?

A question that resounds in my head...
I love Perci more than I've ever loved anyone...I know that what we have is special, not just puppy love...
I want to marry this man.
That much is for sure. We are in love.
But sometimes, I think to myself, "Is this really going to work out?"
There's so much I haven't done yet. I haven't ever been on a blind date, I've never had a random person ask me out on a date, I've never explored all that this high school life has to offer me. I don't know what's out there. I don't really know of anything besides Perci. I'd like to see everything. Learn of every kind of people.
Just to make sure that Perci really is "the one".
Don't get me wrong...I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. He's the one who I want my future to be with. My heart is set on <3us<3.
And I may be stupid, but I know what I want. I see things from every perspective; every point of view. I'm not foolish enough to go and do something stupid.
We'll see what happens though, eh?

And choir is weighing heavy on my mind also. Unlike all the other girls who I am ultimately competing with, I don't have the edge that they possess. This is only my second year in choir, whereas all the girls I know have a strong choir background...They've been in choir since middle school and before that. So in terms of experience...I'm definitely at the bottom of the barrel. And technique, skills...I lack in that as well. I feel as if I should just give up on singing, because no matter how much effort I put into everything I strive for, there will always be someone who's one step ahead.
The varsity choir is what I want...more than anything. That's my goal for this school year. Right now, I'm seen as nothing more than a flunkie in choir...I'd like to really be something. I want a good voice...I wanna be in the Master Singer's Choir!!! O__O;;;
...And Les Chanteurs (aka Jazz Choir) would be a good addition to that as well. v____v;
But this goal...I have a chance of achieving it. I have the tools; I must hone them and use them to my advantage.
[X]~Attending choir events and parties
[]~Attending choir competitions
[X]~Sightreading/sightsinging
[]~Charisma
[]~Natural Talent
[X]~Best behavior

These are all the things I need. I only have a few of those on the list...
But if I gain confidence, and attend all the rest of the competitions...Hopefully my overall score will change...
This I will work on.

Hmmm.........XD Random drama's been happening lately with my friends...but I'm pretty sure it's all good...

Just had to make a quick entry...? Iono...XD
Anyway...I'm off...Goodnight! ^_^

Hee hee. ^_^ Sooo...what's going on in my life as of late? Well, as of August 27th, Perci and I have been "official." ^_^ He asked my mom for her blessing and everything. And I love Perci so much; he's my dream come true.

@_@ I have a headache! XD But life hasn't been tooo bad lately.

I went to the first high school football game...My school won against my mom's old high school...isn't that crazy! She went to the high school in town...actually, the school we played against...crazy, eh?
B'yeah! I love you, Kamala! <3

I LOVE YOU KAMALAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so worried that we were losing touch!!!! BOY, was I wrong!!!!!!! I'm so happy I was wrong!!!!!!! ^_______________^ I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! *glomps x10000000*

~_~ What a crazy week...........
Perci and I really like each other, I guess.........
We cuddled tonight.......He tickled me sooo much! ^^ He's so silly! I tried to squirm, but he held me down!!! XD He's so silly. But I got some good payback out of him......Bwahahahaha............o_O Who knew that pecking on the lips was.....addictive? He was supposed to leave, because it was 11:10, 10 minutes too late for leaving time......XD He stood up, but I pushed him down....and kissed him.......<_< again.......and again..and again. I'm so terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T_T

I'm really not morally loose........I'm not........we're.......kinda sorta in a relationship.........mostly..............it's complicated.

I made him go home so late.......I hope he dosen't get into trouble with his parents!!!!! >_<

Wheeeeee I'm happy!!!! ^_^
There's so much to say, but...I shall save it for later. Some random shtuff...
www.xanga.com/kpxsariru
Mah zits are gone!!!!!! My face is cleeear! I'm cured!

I saw Mark yesterday...he's so good looking to me...@_@ Perci is so understanding of my feelings...I'm glad...

Is it strange to say that I like them both? But...I like Mark with all of me...and I like Percivil with half of me...the other half is confused. @_@ I don't get it...Perci really cares about me more than Mark ever will, yet the feelings still reside with Mark. Ugh...

Sigh...I sighed a sigh of contentness. I am truly happy at the moment.
Yaay, Kimi hasn't forgotten me! @_@ She had the wrong number, though...^^ I'm so glad we're not drifting apart!!! I feel so happy, I could dance right now...wait....I'm goign to now. I need some reggaetone...<_< It's good dance music...

But my heart is glad. ^____^ Kamala, I looove you!

Sigh...I just suddenly got so depressed...GAAH! I don't like it when that happens...

So much has happened these past few days/weeks...

Percivil, one of my best friends, said that he likes me...He's a senior...I don't know where I stand, really........
I mean...there's Mark...not that he ever really cared about me or anything; I've acknowledged that. But something inside of me won't give up hope....
So what do I say to Percivil? I had a minor panick attack talking to him, because if we were to be together, well...I'm scared.
He's actually done it before...Sorry for the randomness...He understands that I'm not going to do that..ever, so...why worry, right?
But I don't know......I just wish I had someone to talk to...We talked yesterday, Percivil and I. I told him all of my worries and fears...
We're not going to go out yet...I decided that we should just stay as we are for now...But I told him I liked him back. As of right now, I dont' know if that's how I really feel, but...I just don't know.
I've been thinking about so much...I just don't know what
to do, and it's really bothering me to no end.

This is my first time on Elftown in a while...I visited Kamala's new site...she looks so happy, and it makes me smile...Kimi, you've learned so much Tagalog already...It's amazing! I'm so proud of you and how beautiful you've become...

I just...don't want us to drift apart...ever...and thinking about it, it really saddens me...but she's my best friend in the universe...we can't drift apart so easily, right? I'll make sure of it.

Because...to be forgotten is worse than death...
Thinking about it...I have a lump in my throat that won't go awy...

In other news...2 weeks ago was my last day of summer school, and my final exam day. My grandparents take me to and from school, but that day...they never showed up. So I waited all day...and finally, after school was long over, he came to the house...I told him how i'd tried calling him all day, but he never came..the cell phone wasn't working, and my mom had just taken out our home phone service...pretty inconvenient, eh? So he just said ok and left...
When my mom got home, I cried and told her all that had happened, how much I'd waited for them, how they'd never taken me to school, and how confused and worried I was. So she called my grandparents and said they didn't take me to school. They swore that they DID take me...and then they called me a liar...and a slut.
So, now that I have your undivided attention...Well, I don't have a single grandparent that loves me anymore...My family is crap, too...;_; Well, outsiders like cousins and such, that is. And I can't even think about my father's side...they all hate my guts. My mother's side...they're all mentally insane, I think.

So I've got nobody...I'm confused...I need someone to talk to...to guide me. ;_;

v_v Alex pisses me off...Very much, I'm afraid. I try to cheer him up, and he says, "hehe thanks, but i don't believe in that stuff anymore." Gawd. Why didn't i just tell him to go die somewhere, then? It wouldn't matter anyway.

Xanga is being stupid again.

I feel a mixture of boredom, confusion, anger, and sadness. It sucks a bit...

O_O
O_o
o_O
Err...>_< Summer vacation, and I have school. Stupid acceleration classes...no, not really. Just speech and health. v_v They're required to graduate, and I want more time during the schoolyear, so I try to get classes out of the way. You understand, yes?

Grrr...I miss my loverly [Celestial as teh Moonlight] sooo much! >_< She's in the Philipinnes...^__^ But I hope she has a GREEEEAT time!

As for Mark. My private spy says she saw him at the movie theaters with a girl I should deal with using the utmost caution and her sister...v_v;;; I knew there was no chance for us to be together...
But I can still wish and hope... And I still love him, no matter what. @_@ I hate to be so shallow, but...He's sooo sexay! >_< I lurve the dude.

Ugh...I'm going to Ohio today, guys. I know I haven't been on Elftown as much as I should, but...I guess there won't be much difference. If...that makes any sense?
But yeah...I'm going to Ohio to see my father, whom I haven't seen in a year!!! It's been so long.

Well, my heart is broken, because I know Mark feels nothing for me. Heh...it's just one heartbreak after another. I feel so sad about it still.
I've never loved someone so much before in my life. I mean...there's family and everything, but...I've never loved a man so much before. And I can't stand it.
Not being loved is probably one of the first feelings in the world...it is just so painful! >_<

I cried three times today. Twice for Mark, once for my mother. And I almost cried today, too. And it's only 9:30 in the morning.

What a sad week this has been. I'm so EMO!!! v_v

hrm...Today was an average day... Oh, happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone. Hope you had a day full of fiesta-ness.

But yeah. I'll probably write junk later. Right now, my emotions are numb-not sad, not happy. Just...mellow yellow! XD

Phweee!
I'm so happy today! Err...right now!

I guess Mark's "unofficial girlfriend" is actually just a good friend? XD Thank kami-sama!!! I wasn't willing to give up yet!!! *reads yesterday's entery* But yesterday, I was...>_<

And lucky for me, Alex only sees me as a little sis now!! ^__^ That makes me SO relieved! But it saves alot of drama. I don't have romantic feelings for him, so it'll take away lots of tension.

And hopefully....^/////^ There will be a chance for Mark? Because I really love Mark. -__- Hehehe. *blushes*

Ugh. I feel so sad right now. I mean, I was so happy earlier. I wonder what went wrong?

I asked Mark to the choir banquet. He said yes. He's unofficially got a girlfriend, and guess what? It's not me.
I hate being selfish at times like these, so I'll send him off with a smile. Plus, he's a junior. Why would he want to be with a stupid freshmen like me? I guess age DOES matter.

And I don't know why, but being around all these people with proud hispanic heritages...it makes me sad to be Korean. That's insane...I mean, they don't call it Korean Pride for nothing. So why do I feel this way?

Oh, yeah...Mark's from Miami. And did I mention that his roots are hispanic? Elli's Puerto Rican, and she's always speaking of her roots.

I feel so small. Voiceless; speechless. Unable to stand up after falling.

What's wrong with me?!
For the second time, on a Monday, love has taken the best of me and stomped on it.

I'm majorly disappointed, but it's nothing I can't overcome given time. But...I think...I actually loved Mark.
It wasn't a crush. It wasn't infatuation. It was...no, IS actually love.

I even daydreamed of marriage...children...highschool prom together...Prom King and Queen. I had all these crazy notions, but I know that none will come true...at least, not with the one I love right now.

It'll all pass, but for now, I'm absorbed in my sadness. I don't need words of encouragement or anything, I just need to sit here, quietly...and time will heal all the fresh wounds gained by the past week's and today's heartbreaks.

Hahaha...Life is so funny. So...funny.

It seems that Andrew wants to patch things up with his previous girlfriend...heheheh...I mean, I can't stand in their way or anything...That...would be wrong, right?
No...it would be completely wrong...

Hahaha...life...ha. Why am I letting such a small thing get to me?
Oh, I remember why now...
I thought...someone really loved me...for the first time...
I didn't have to worry about anything...I was safe, secure...
And now he'd rather be with his old girlfriend.
I...hope they're happy together.

Why am I so darn hurt? This isn't anything I can't get over. So why? Oh well. I feel pretty hurt, but not ONE tear will be shed over this. It's not worth my tears, methinks. So I won't cry. I'll be a bit sad, but won't cry.

<_< *calls* Oh, Mark...>_> Are you still available? XD

Ugh. Today was the best day. Today was the worst day. I have such mixed emotions.

Who...do I love? Is...is it Mark? I feel so secure around him, so loved. But...that was only today. Yet, I sense nothing. He's always so passive...I wish...that if he has feelings for me beyond friendship...that perhaps he'd show me? I need a sign. I...think I love him.

And Andrew...loves me. He's told me. Yet...whenever he hugs me...I feel no love. I don't feel safe in his arms. I feel...wavering. Unsteady. Insecure.

Alex seems to have feelings for me...He's always trying to arrange things, and I'm going to the prom with him...As friends. I see him as a friend, and that's all. I don't think anything else can come of our friendship. But...it still worries me. I don't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt Andrew.
I think I love Mark.

What shall I do? I've suddenly gained a life...yet...it leaves out the simple pleasures I once had. But I can't complain. This new life...It's...unlike anything I'll ever experience again. So I must remember this...forever.

I think I love Mark. As much as I've already stated this, I believe it might be the truth. I never thought he was capable of such kindness...such sincerity. He...he is just... Oh, I don't know... There's this feeling I get around him. And I don't want it to go away. -_- That feeling of warmth and love...I can still feel it, even though the feeling surged through me hours ago. -__- I just...have to make up my mind somehow...

Please...give me strength. Kamala...Charles...my dear friends. I'm thinking about you...
Will I be able to walk out of the darkness successfully?
...What will happen next?

Andrew is...so romantic. He always knows what to say. He always needs affection. And he loves me.

And...for the first time, I have to choose one boy...out of two that like me. It's very strange for me, knowing that at the moment, i'm playing with their hearts. I hate it. Why? Because this is what my mother does. She feeds off of the attention and complements, and is vague about her true feelings for them. Practically, they're hanging by a thread, and they don't even know it.
And I hate it.
And by no means do I want to be referred to as a two-timer, or a slut. Because I prefer to be modest. And that description...is demoralizing.

So. Here's the deal. I only like one of them, Alex, as a friend, and nothing more. He asked me to go to the prom, and I still don't know. My mom's pressuring me to go, and I kinda want to, but only AS FRIENDS. And all of this is troubling Andrew, because he dosen't want me being hurt. And I don't want to hurt him.
So....I guess I have feelings for Andrew after all? But...I don't know. >_> I just don't know.
He makes me feel...special. Like...I'm actually loved. And...he's funny. He always tells me he loves me, and dosen't mind that I don't say it back. (I can't return any answer as of yet, because I am still unsure of my wavering emotions) And...<_< I don't know what to do. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
He loves me...

Diary, I'm going to soil your pages...Yes, that's right. This entery will consist of cusswords. *nods head* Yes, I'm THAT pissed off right now.~~~
I am soo mad right now. I hate Tony. That stupid man. Violating the sanctuary I call home. He's my mom's new ******* obnoxious boyfriend. He's **** stupid, ugly, and smells. He smokes. And reaks with the stench of tobacco. Stupid... I hate him.
******, my mother never tells me when she invites these ******-******* ****** men over...I feel so invaded. And not only that, he's coming over to our ******* Easter, and STAYING...I'm so pissed off. And ******, my mother thinks that it's HER **** RIGHT to not tell me. That's so ******* retarded.
SHE ******* OWES ME. FOR EVERY **** UNFAIR THING THAT SHE'S PUT ME THROUGH. SHE ******* OWES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's made me stay home alone...go to my damn grandparent's, and put up with all sorts of things I hate... And for what? A **** ******-******* MAN WHOM I HATE. I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I'm crying. I'm so unhappy. This will be the suckiest Easter ever.

Okay, I've regained consciousness...Sorry about all of that stupid bad language...I tried to asterisk all of it, an attempt of saving myself from embarassment. But when I get super angry, the words just flow out of my mouth/mind, and they get typed easily. But...I'm just so upset... Life has been so unfair to me, and it's making me very sad.

What exactly is love? I think I am "in love," but I am still quite unsure of the meaning and feeling of love...(well, outside of family). Is it...when you think you like someone? No, that's a crush... But what on earth is love? I wish someone could explain it to me...but I'm sure each person's explanations would be different. I'm sure when I truly experience love, I'll know for sure. But for now, I am in the dark (literally, too!), searching for answers...

Dear Diary,
Sigh sigh sigh...I still have a dialectic journal due in English! And I just finished a two page essay in World Geography and a diagram in Biology! Oh!!! I also have to read and annotate 60 pages of the novel I'm reading!!!!! O.O I have too much homework T-T I hate Pre-AP/Honors classes...They're too hard...Well, I think English is my main concern. But at least I'm in the top 10! I have an 88 in that class, which is a B...I have A's in Algebra and World Geo., but I think I have a B in Biology. Well, I did have a C in there, so that's ok for now. Sigh sigh sigh...Once again with the triple sigh. But I only do that when something's bothering me. AND SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME!!!!!
I drew pretty pictures though. ^^;;;;; Instead of my homework...Oops. XD I am making a random, stupid manga with no storyplot. It sucks, but I think the pictures of this one maiden is B-U-T-ful! Heheheheh...well, I really gotta go now!

I finished my drawing of sakura/sariru, but now to color it...@.@<(Oroo?!) I have inked it, andit turned out okay...
But I started on they eyes...and the red eyeshadow is too dark! T.T But I must continue. And I REALLY messed up on the eye color and such! But I'm hoping that the skin color will make everything better...XD

I finished my drawing of sakura/sariru, but now to color it...@.@<(Oroo?!) I have inked it, andit turned out okay...