Do I want to see you again?
Do I indeed?
But what if you are not quite the same next time
And the fabric of us has changed
What if there are loose stitches
That form holes
Because of poor observation?
What then?
Do We take that risk Sweetling butterflyby?
And perhaps tear ourselves?
Taste bitter experience instead of sour regret?
Or sleep a little less
As What Might Have Been heavies the heart and lightens the eyelids?
What indeed?
Oh you silly silly girl, dont you dare fall for people, its bad and wrong. Be cool and emotionless instead, you know its the right thing to do.
Just accustom yourself to the fact that it is sooo not going to hapen and book yourself that place in the damn nunnery!
Oh dear, that was a loong diary entry, unwise methinks.
I want people to start being more thoughtful and less angry. More compassionate and less idiotic.
Drama is not always good. It is possible to have an interesting and simultaneously pleasant and non disruptive life that doesnt hurt lots of people. Interesting does not have to mean dangerous and irresponsible.
To please yourself and others where possible, to create and to care and to love and to give. This is what life should be. Should.
And so another late night diary entry...
Well it all seems to be a bit muddled at the moment... I seem to have gotten my creativity bubble back and it hasnt popped yet... Often overwhelmed with a sickening sense that the creativity is all just a bit of an illusion, its so fragile and tempremental. It sounds odd but just keeping the ideas in my head is such a tempting idea, to protect these delicate fledgling thoughts and notions from the destructive light of day. Maybe if I try and realise them they will fizzle away? But then maybe not.
I suppose the play I'm writing at the moment is a realisation of an idea and its going rather well. Its good when you find someone who you can work creatively with, who doesnt constrict your expressive ideas, rather helps to fine tune and develop them. And you can appreciate their ideas and help develop them in turn. Even if they do steal your baccy.
I love the idea and am in anticipation of how its going to turn out, how people will react... Its a big project, but not daunting as of yet. The presence of Biffy the cat does add some light relief from concentration by trying to sit on the handwritten single version of te play... Which will be fine once its typed up. I have grown quite fond of Biffy.
This project is a saving grace at the moment, not only is it incredibly interesting trying to represent and celebrate the dynamic of Sixth Form, but its good to have a focus on something that is entirely my choice to do. Most gratifying. And its a safe, neutral topic to think about when I need to escape from bad destructive mitherings.
Thinking about it doesnt make me feel guilty for wasting thought, as thinking about clothes or the pub would, as it is an intelligent endeavor that requires a lot of thought anyway; but equally it is an escape.
Its odd to think that my principal escape at the moment is directly and inextricably intertwined with many of the aspects of my life that I am trying to escape from.
I suppose taking a step away from it, interpreting it and playing god with it, as opposed to actually being within it is theraputic. The duality of the exercise is interesting to consider....
What is also interesting is trying to predict whether or not we will have any friends left in sixth form after it is performed... Its not meant to be spiteful or an intentional parody, far from being a parody its an analysis and a careful consideration, an ode to if you will. Yes an ode to sixth form. And if anyone is offended, which I cant imagine they will be, then that is their problem and their good humour deficit.
Its all rather fun. And distracts me from self consuming paranoia. Doing constructive things makes me concentrate less on how I imagine everyone to hate me and only tolerate me for the lubrication of the social group's politics.
Analysing it all in creative form stops me from drowning so much in it.
Anyhoo, lala, Oxfordness on Thursday, my liver cant take the punishment Sunny puts it through...
Random Tangent:
I need to find someone nice, who doesnt annoy me, who I dont constantly pick fault with, who maybe thinks Im a good person, who likes shellfish and hugs me as if doing it is coming home. Not being in love is boring. Its as if there's a huge inert part of you that really should be doing something, but cant, until you find the rare thing that activates it. Its like existing on the two top floors and the rest of the house is covered in dust sheets.
And I mean really love someone, not just want them, someone who late at night, when its just the two of you, when youve done your social duty and had a good time, when youre a bit post-coital and all curled up, holds you, and everything else disappears and its just that moment that smells like skin and linen and smoke and the faint trace of perfume thats left at the nape of your neck.
Its not necessary really, you can live a perfectly happy life without all of that... I suppose...
I dont mind being with someone and having a lovely time enjoying their company, you care for them and they turn you on, but to look at someone and only see violets.
Do we ever truely get to have that? Or is it just something that the Romantics dreamed up while fucked on laudanem?
Who knows, anyway, teehee I will look back and read this at some point laughing my arse off. Why is it that as a teenager that if you try and write about how you feel, these profound thoughts that you have, you automatically sound like a pretentious angsty wanker?
Their is an obvious answer there but its only for the cynical.
And on a final note, goodnight.
My hair is having an epileptic fit and it hasnt included me. We will have words, dont you worry. Ive got dirt on that motherfucker, I am going to destroy it...
*grapples with own hair*
Go to bed Beccy!
OK.
Is it wrong to steal from people you know?
What if you steal with honourable intentions?
For example,
''I steal this tobacco so they will not get lung cancer''
or
''I steal this valuable antique to demonstrate that materialism is wrong and as Bhudda said, 'attatchment is the root of all suffering'''
or
''I steal this item of clothing because it makes them look fat and me look good. All I care about is their dignity.''
or
''I steal a sip of this pint because not drinking makes me cranky, and I do not like being cranky around my friends''
or
''I steal the content of this essay and reword it out of respect for their intelligence.'
I am an honourable thief damnit!
I must start being more suitable. Right, constructive list:
Less alchohol. I am and idiot when drunk.
Less moping, being maudlin shouldt be ones principal weekend activity.
More work, it helps with the future and stuff.
Less gossiping, remember karma! Karma!!
Less smoking, death and emphysema are not sexy.
More cod liver oil, it lends flexibility to your joints and increases brain activity.
Cease to become dependant on single types of food. Eating only grapefruits, toast or gherkins does not make for a healthy diet.
More good, brownie type activities (helping old gits ect).
Less forming/ desiring/lusti
More gardening.
More time actually doing these things instead of making constructive lists about them.
Euch, I smell like cider. I didnt even have the pleasure of drinking the cider that was spilt on me. Now that burns.
Not so neutral after all. Quite lonely actually. Meh.
Well I have dyed my hair, had a haircut and changed the way I use my nose expressions, but I still seem to be the same person. Damn. I am getting a refund back from loreal.
Oh dear, having one of those evenings. It all seems to be rather tiresome, things have exploded into a complicated evil mess and I have a horrible feeling that soon I will do something that will make me part of it. It will be a karmic comeback for gossiping too much.
Its nice to be able to float above social politics like an ethreal gossip machine, but rather like the moral highground, one doesnt get to stay at that altitude for very long. Meh.
Its time to collapse onto a comfortable sofa, cover myself in a blanket and wait for someone to bring me in a bacon sandwhich and tell me its over.
Let it all
slip slide
on a downwards diagonal
To be observed from a different less offensive angle
And be smiled upon
As the petal shaped tears dry
And leave a sweet scent
That over rides the bitter fruit
That grows and swells as consequence
To that night that seemed so insignificant,
Before we had time to think
And conclude the opposite.
These days these days
That blend and blur and sink and rise
Inciting sleepy resignation
But never suprise
Because those days those days
Have come and gone
Leaving only echoes to be thought upon
As we drift into unsettled sleep.
Well if one cant write angsty poems at the age of seventenn after a depressing evening, when can one write them?
Night night possums xx
Smile cos you know youre so damn pretty
Smile cos you know that your clothes have holes in invisible places
Smile cos you know that he's next door
Smile cos you know that he thinks youre a whore
And you are
But smile cos thats ok.
And dont forget that there is yoghurt in your fridge and you like that
Oh yes you do,
Its like tangy fruity goo
Oh yeah.
Thats poetry my friends oh yes it is. Where's my gin?
Huzzah for modern technology, tis unappreciated and most wonderful. Whoever could have thought of strange rectangles that tell music boxes to play the tune you want at the touch of a button, from accross a room? What times we live in.
Times when unwanted cats can be prevented from peeing in your house simply because of painful electric force fields. Mind mcBoggling. Times when meat can be turned from squidgy to crispy because of an advanced thermalkinetic heating technique. Brain bedazzling.
Ho hum, times when one has little else to think about other than times themselves. But then I suppose that's all there is to think about.
Totally poignant man.
All in a days work dude.
Blarghmalarg!
An old man nearly ran me over today and then stopped the car and tried to make me take his glasses. It confused me and only developed my sentiment still further that all people over the age of sixty should be euthanased (forcibly if necessery).
Hmpf.
Anyhoo I am quite upset because my pot plant has greenfly. He's called Beatrice and he's too young to die godamnit! Why does everything that enters my room die instantly?
Why do I have an overwhelming desire to draw a map of the London underground on Mr Gail's oh so shiney head?
God this is all far too confusing.
Rather like the mire of social-politic
Right I will leave you all with the indisputable truth that Hanson rock everyone's socks even if they do not care to admit it, you know its true,
tata duckies xx
What to do what to do...
?
Tis a loverly jubberly day and here I am sitting in front of a computer trying not to think of all the people who I have to call and the prawns marinading in the fridge which do really have to be eaten at some point; but then, sandwhiches are much easier dont you think?
There is so much to do that there seems to be nothing to do.
Clink clink, glasses. Nasty sound.
My room smells like lavender and acrylic paint, which is odd because I havent painted in a long time and the lavender smell is from an inexplicable source. Where could it possibly have come from. Such mysteries make the world seem perplexing: What is milk made from? Why does paper taste like that? Why do things smell like lavender for no reason?
I might put an advertisement for a companion in the Times, sort of like a chaperone. Twill save from both loneliness and the indignity caused by Beccy being allowed to function on her own. She is quite evidentally incapable of that. It would be nice for Saturdays to hold a place in the week over and above the day when one pieces together the events of Friday. Which apparently were interesting.
Strange mood. Strange grooves. Things seem to be a bit ok at the moment, I have a project, and plans for things that need to be done, not too many people appear to be angry, I have found a rather spiffy nice person. It must be that calm after the storm feeling that tends to happen on Sundays. The sort of, hmm, oh, what now? sort of feeling.
Anyway, there is pointless television to be watched, prawns to be eaten and phonecalls to be made. Fair enough.
All the best duckies, remember that chairs are for sitting on, tunafish is repulsive and lavender is sometimes confusing,
tahtah xxx
Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
Oh jesus, that goddamn cancer research advert, it is shamelessly manipulative and just wants to make people cry and give them money. Which is exactly what I do!
Its just that bit with the woman in the wedding dress at the end... Right now Im off again. I need help. I also need to stop crying at adverts, it is a new low.