These past days are feeding on me... I can barely remember how love feels anymore. What is wrong with me? I can't scream or cry anymore... Is it because I've been through enough? Have I no tears left? Am I going insane? Or is it because my promise has been fullfilled? Ah, what promise you ask? Well not long ago, I promised myself that I will try to forget about "mortal feelings". When I intently watch the world that is full of fools... I realized that I was one of them. I didn't want to be like them. I did not want to judge or hate or lie... I wanted to be neautral in every way.... Though now, I am not even that. I am niether neutral or even opposing... I am nothing now... I take sides, but don't. Do you understand? If not then that was what I was aiming for... There is no one out there who is like me or understands my pain... People say they do. People say I am a moron for being depressed like this... They say it's because I want attention... I don't want attention; I need it. Though I don't even try... I really don't. They don't notice anyways unless they have nothing better to do. I cannot make myself cry anymore... am I losing it? I don't know what I'm trying to say.... well people say that they understand... They don't... Do not come to me and tell me what I should do or what you did! You may have experienced the same moments I did, but you will never react to them like I did! I will not tolerate it! People are ignoring me one by one and I simply won't let that happen! I won't let go until everyone knows how I feel about this Wretched World... I will not let myself be drowned in the worthless emotions... How can I? All I feel now is love and hate.... Can I rid myself of that?

Today I realized how much I was taken for granted. I was once again torn from my friends... and it was them to blame. I was so devastated that I could feel my heart being torn, yet I tried to keep my tears and pain inside. I feared that if I didn't everyone would know... everyone would stare... They would see right through me and know all my secrets. *looks up* I want this to end... all of it. When I'm sad, no one ever holds me anymore! Are they getting tired of me? What shall I do?! Send Drogan, my angel, back! I need someone like him... To love and guard me. To know and want me. *closes eyes tightly* I pray that I will be alive once more... if that is not possible... then take me now... I cannot bare to be alone anymore.. I'll do anything... just take me... just let me... just kill me.

I had the courage to pass the boarder of reality and fantasy... Yes, I fear I must say that I went to conquer my deepest nightmare... The field of Crimson Corpses... *sighs* I have had dreams of a field of Crimson roses and occassionally corpses would appear. I was devasted I was hurt beyond belief. I could not understand what was happening. Why was my mind playing this image... This horrid image in my head over and over again... I was on my knees sobbing. I could not stop myself. I was alone in the field and I did not know what to do... Then... it came to me. A memory from the past... a glitter of memory. I closed my eyes and the foul smell of blood gave into the smell of fresh flowers... roses... I opened my eyes and saw... the graveyard. Horror passed through me in small rivlets... I am sleeping. I am sure of it, I told myself. This is a dream.

It wasn't

I remembered that graveyard. I remembered the exact number of steps it took to get to that particular gravestone. The one that held my most feared nightmare. The one that held...

[Monique Katherine Alucard
    1681--------
     Beloved Daughter and Sister
     Intelligent, Beautiful, and...
        Dangerous.]

I staggered back with my heart pounding hard against my chest. I let my hand cover my mouth, as if fearing words of regret would stumble out of them. No.
I quickly looked around to find the day exactly the same from the past... It was a sunny day, and I thought it was so pleasant because my sister had died. It was a very cruel thought, though I could help but agree with the Earth. On that day I looked down into the open grave and saw the roots of the Earth closing in to grab the coffin and make it stay. It looked as if the Earth never wanted the coffin to leave for the sake of her people. I had also remembered that the day was windy... I could remember the crushed roses in my hand... Remember myself letting the roses fall atop the now buried coffin. I could remember saying these words, "Farewell, my dear sister. This is not what you think it is... I know that you are watching over us, though your protective gaze has turned into one that is hungry(I sighed in discontent)I hope that our paths do not cross again...(I turned to walk away but spoke to the grave behind me) though I know that you will come to me and stain my dirt streaked stream to crimson blood...."

My vision, yes vision not dream, shattered. I was left in the field of Crimson Corpses. There were just so many. I was doomed... I gasped as I looked down at my feet and saw my sister's grave marker... It all came clear to me now... These were not my victims of berfor, when I lost my soul... These were the inhabitants of the graves around me... All of the corpses were new though... All of them had slit throats, wrists, necks... all of them were bleeding... I finally understood when I looked down into my sisters supposed grave and saw nothing but a mirror. It was her...

In the past week, I have finally realized that Friendship was a completely empty vise that stifled any emotion from your body. I could not believe I had chosen so many that were not even close to being worthy. My closest companions are not even giving a second glance of worry towards my direction. I’m worried… so worried that it tears millions of holes into my skin and pours out every single fear I have always obtained. Yet they do not let themselves see this, they are always trying to make for it in other ways.

I wish to bathe in the Light again. Do not get me wrong; I have seen the Light before. I have let it wash over me from time to time, and that much I know is true. I’ve watched with silent apprehension as the rays washed over my sister’s glittering, fair hair. The sunlight’s fingers reached across her light brown hair in glistening gold. I would sit up in bed as the Light finally touched the face of my brother. His eyes closed tightly as the sun reached for them, though he remained in sleep.

I had let my hair fall into place, down my shoulders as I took of my tie. I let the sun touch my hair. The dark strands sparkling with shine as the sun warmed them. Then my chest felt so warm, almost burning, until the rays washed my face. I closed my eyes to savor the warmth, the Light.

I am one of the few that actually get to walk in the purity of the Sun. Though memories in the past are fading at a rate that my fingertips cannot obtain, I can remember for a while longer… remember the last sunrise I had as a human, though that’s a different story.

I must say even though I experienced that one sunrise, it has no meaning to me. I am filled with sorrow once more, and I yearn to live life without regret. I cannot sleep at night my angel, Drogan... he.... He cannot help me. I am forever doomed to walk this earth with loneliness and sorrow for the rest of eternity.

Heh... I think I'm done telling you the parts of my past... It's foolish... That's what I think NOW... *smirks* It's all over for you all... I've done my part in saving the world and it's my 'kamui's' job to kill it... I did kill my sister... She told me so much.... but I guess... *licks lips* I was impatient... *laughs* Now all I have to do is wait for all of you to bow down to your new Vampire Princess...

I was strolling down the graveyard at the end of our road... to meet mother... She had died three years ago and I've been going to her grave anytime I could... When I saw her grave I noticed a fresh set of flowers... Roses... Red Roses... With no further examing I snatched the flowers and glared at them.
"It was he..."
I turned with the flowers scattering everywhere. A man was there... staring... at me... He was in his thirties and looked like a rich young fool. His hair was blonde and his eyes where brown... He was just two feet taller than I. How dare he lie! It was certainly him who put the flowers on my mothers grave! But inside my head my mind swirled into thoughts of who this man really was...

I have been going to parties on and off this year... For some reason it is like the gods are trying to make my life better for there is a dark future ahead of me. I can't tell...

The words of the noble men and women flew past me even though they might have been speaking to me... I do not really understand them anyways... I never knew how to speak like a normal young woman... I never knew these people... maybe I have... once again I don't know... But I know one thing for sure... I don't know myself... But what I DO know... someone is watching my wretched being... with a twisted joyful soul...