Last night I tried to force myself to cry. It hurt me so much. My chest felt like a painful dagger was giving it repeated stabs. My throat was a knot... I... could not breathe. I had to prove to myself that I could have emotions. I needed to cry. At first the tears were fake. So I started to hurt myself. It was unhuman that I could not cry... I had to cry, because something bad had happened and I showed no emotion... I had to cry.. because it would prove myself wrong. I was human! I did have a soul! Suddenly, my childhood flashed before me. I had no friends then. Was it because of my race? I hate to say or even think if it is true. I then started to think about all my friends... I started to think about how many friends stood by my side. My tears were now abundant. I started to tell myself that they did not care about me... "I've got a lot of friends, but I don't hear from them. Just another day on my own..." I wonder... everytime I am with them... They see through me... I am to no importance to them... They use me. I make their lives hell...
My tears were overflowing... My heart now ached of overexertion..
~*~Your beloved
~*~Angel~*~
[Continued... ]
The tearing in my heart will not stop... How can you live with a thought that a man says he loves you... and leaves you? Will it ever be the same or will it ever come around? I cannot let my heart die, yet it is willingly letting itself go. I'm broken... I can feel these waves of pain flowing through me... and I... can't take it... Everything is turning black and gray... No one's here anymore... They all lied... No one's here to wipe my tears away... They all lied... No one's here to love me...
[I can imagine hooks piercing through me, then pulling down... My heart, desperate to breathe, is only choking. It tries to beat, but it can only do what the depression wills it to do... The small pricks of cold pins prickling against your skin. The sudden dizziness in your head and the hot watering tears forming in your eyes... That, I can imagine...] ~*~Quote from me in an email~*~
I made the same mistake again. I choose the wrong friends again. It's 2003 all over again... and it's all my fault. I thought maybe, it will be different this time. I guess not... Everyone is drifting apart to leave me behind... Fine, so be it. I'll show them. I am in no terror in front of death... For I am death itself... I'll kill myself if I have to... I'll die to make the pain go away...
[To be continued]
The feeling that I have held for so long has finally vanished. My love is slowly slipping away for the pity of masculinity. I feel as if I am used and tormented for men to have their pleasure. I go insane, thinking that one would actually love me. Yet, no! I sit in the darkness of the empty abyss that no man can fill. And yet, you think of me mad? Nay, no woman I want! I want a man! I may sound mad, though am I really? It is you who torments me as well. Can you ever stop? to smell the hurt... the blood? Can you not see I yearn for an embrace that touches me in physicality and emotionally. I yearn for an embrace that will hold me as if holding on to dear life. An embrace that shall show power and dominance... with no sense of regret and pain. Where shall I find such a man to do one such thing? One man who is prevailing and gentle to my feelings. One man who does not take over me like such a rag doll. Where shall I find such a being? Angels... my angel... a man. He loves me, though he cannot touch me. Drogen... How I wish he were real... though my wishes are of fantasy... and my fingers go through them.
Help... I really need it. I'm about to break down. I have no one to lean on. Everything is falling a part... My secret is almost out... Will I live to see if they will find the truth? Will I let myself live? I can't just leave... No... People push me down, though... do they really? Am I the one who is pushing me down?
People ignore me for others... Am I getting boring? Am I out of my mind? Do you understand? I get all these letters that say I'm crazy... That I shouldn't be like this... Well damn you! I can be what ever I fucking feel like! Don't come to me and tell me what to do! I'm not standing for this... Like I said... I won't hate anyone... but I may just want to hate you... and isn't that a form of hating itself? Tell me... what do you have against me? Is it because you think you are better then me? If that's it, join the club... Other's think that too... I'm angry with them... or am I just conceited?
People think they can have their way with me... well guess what? I'll retaliate this time around... No more tears... just fight... But I can't stop the tears... Damn... I'm contradicting myself again ... What am I going to do... when there is no one else there but my shadow? What am I going to do when they leave me... Or when I move on? I see the truth... I have woken up, what about them? What about you....
[This is a small conversation I had with myself. I contradict myself in many ways here. Only a true poet can see my way of things... Tell me... what about you?]
Today I realized that I was human. You may laugh if you wish. I may have said I was not human… It is not totally proven yet, but I still want to believe that I can be the ultimate creation. I want to feel nothing… I do not want to act as foolish as my so-called “peers”. Today… my friend and I had a short conversation in the hall way…
[I'm A Survivor] _____ and _____ were talking about you….
[TheVmprSlyr]…. Alright… that’s fine with me…
*my ex boyfriend stood with my circle of friends, looking at me with searching eyes*
*I kept my eyes straight at Umara…*
[I'm A Survivor] Well… they said a lot of shit about you.
[TheVmprSlyr] Like? ( I was surprised by my emotionless voice. Somehow I knew that was not I speaking. If I were in the right state of mind… my character would have been furious even though I did not know what these two people had said.
[I'm A Survivor] They said that you cut yourself just to feel the pain. That you drink your own blood and that you eat your scabs.
*Drogen had winced… no one could see him of course except for me. He is my guardian angel you see. I love him very much… it’s just that… Well everything wrong that happens to me… scars his lean body. When Umara said those words I noticed a small line of crimson emit from his cheek*
[TheVmprSlyr] What ever… I don’t give a fuck what they say… I have to leave; the bell rings in a few. Later.
When I had said those words, Drogen winced again. I was not looking at him anymore. I knew I was not being honest with myself and Drogen had to pay for it.
The ride home from school was so silent for me. I kept on listening to a sorrowful Japanese Song. It calmed me for a while, though I started crying. Tears that have not been seen for the longest time had been scarring my face. Every single word that kept repeating itself stung me…
She slits her wrists….
My skin crawled at that statement…
She drinks her own blood…
My eyes winced in the emotional pain, and a tear trailed its way down my face.
I could not help myself. It was November 2003 all over again. I wanted to kill myself, yet that would only prove a fraction of what those people had said about me. Even if it was not true, I still did not want to gift them with power over my life. I hated it.
People at school they learn about labels, rumors and how they can hurt others. When the speaker asks, “Does everyone understand? It’s wrong…” All the students nod, but 75% of them do not listen… That is a lot… It probably really only narrows down to about 85%…
I really do not know what to do… and this does not mean you should tell me what I could do. I hate it when people do that. They think that they can help you, but in reality… their words mean nothing to me. Only the negative phrases edge into my skin. Why? Why do I let myself do this…
There are no happy memories in my diary… Why? Well why don’t you tell me? Can you help me… fill in the void of happiness that seems to hide itself from me?
It tears me apart
I cannot keep living. November must pass soon or I will probably do something rational. Why? When I need my friends the most they ignore me.
You do not call anymore…
Why won’t you look at me…?
Do you even want to talk to me?
Are you forgetting me?
It feels like you are lying to me… are you?
This is a poem I just made right now. The phrases or sentences in the parenthesis are easier words to understand. I have made a translation, mind you, for people who are stupid minded. Like some of my friends… They do not listen to my poems because…
1. They are too long… (Which offends me)
2. I cannot understand what you are saying. (Then you are not my friend are you?)
3. I do not know what you are even… saying (Then leave…)
I doubt that most people had gotten this far… Who cares what I think, you know? *smiles weakly*… Thank you, the rest of you, who have stuck through my explanation.
[I want to die in the leaves of November
It is November again and the sun will not come out (My depression is surfacing again)
It is November again and I cannot shout…(I can tell no one of my feelings)
My pain lingers again through the doorway of fantasy and reality (I am thinking of death or dieing again)
Kill me kiss me… (You always ignore me… and when it is too late you come back)
That is your way (You do this all the time)
Do not come near me… (It’s for your own good)
Go away (You do this anyway)
The leaves are falling (My heart is sinking)
Please make them fall faster (I want this month to end)
I want the snow to come sooner… (I want December)
December where are you? (Salvation where are you?)
The skies of deep blue (Peaceful feelings)
Where is the snow… when I need it? (snow= Comfort)
November has come and I am fading away (damnation=November)
Nothing to do (I can do nothing to impress you)
Nothing to say (What should I say when you do not listen?)
No place in my heart where the warmth can stay (I have forgotten what it feels like to love)
Please do not speak to me
Your words are always harsh (You do not understand me)
You do not know me…
Do not touch me
All these years I have put up with your filth (All my friends… this refers to you)
All these years you did nothing for me (I did everything for you…)
When I cried your shoulder was never there (No comfort came from my friends)
When I smiled you never smiled back (You are always angry at me)
If you did…remind me for this might be all fake (Fake friends)
The fake words that whisper love (Saying “I love you”… doesn’t mean anything)
The fake relations that shout out falseness (I know what you do behind my back…)
November will you leave me be? (Satan will you leave me be?)
The air so cold (I feel nothing but emptiness)
no warmth
no me…(I have lost myself)
I am falling into the void of the darkened night (I am falling into Satan’s hands)
No one in sight… (No one like me)
loosing my sanity (…)
piece by piece…
Stop talking… (-behind my back)
No more…(-Stop)
Leave me…
Go away…
Leave me…
Don’t stay…
I’m leaving… because that is what you said I should do… (You give my signs of no wanting)
So why… can I not leave you? (I still love you…)
Please tell me now (Speak the truth)
Please let it go (Lets start anew)
Why me? (Why do I feel this way)
Why now…(November)
Please…. tell me why?
Is it true?
Is it real…
Kill me Kiss me…
That is your way
So I will let the leaves fall down (I will try to withstand the temptation of suicide)
If I survive… I won’t have long (I will still have problems when November is over)
If I survive… I will come after you… (I’ll tell you the truth… I’ll tell you I want to die)
Your scars are on me…
I bear them for you…(I can feel your pain… but you cannot compare to mine)
Your tears are from me…
I pour them for you…(I cry… for you.. and me alike)
November is half way done now
Can I make it through the past and past the future? (Can I withstand the memories and the moments?)
Tell me now…and I will leave… (If you tell me, I’ll do as you wish and leave)
Why can’t you leave me alone? (Why can’t you stop talking about me?)
Why do you bother to break my heart…(Why are you saying you love me… when it is all a lie)
When it is already torn apart… (It… is inimitable…)
November…]
How did you like that? Pretty good, no?
Well… I cannot type anymore… It’s too much to handle for me…
Farewell
~*~Angelique~*
The beautiful leaves fell today… I watched… The glory of the rapturous gray clouds washing over me. The buzzing streets of my hometown have now frozen into silence. I sing softly into the night only to receive nothing… I watch, shivering, as only one green leaf clings onto the branches of a tree. I watch as time stops. There it is hanging helplessly onto the wretched tree. Fall, there is nothing you can do, I say to it. Let yourself go… Join the others in the abyss of normality. There is nothing to be proud of… There is nothing that you have… The leaf seems to be battling my words… It clings silently onto the tree. My hair almost rose in annoyance. I screamed at it, there is nothing for you here! Just go away! Fade and give in to the cold! As I screamed… the wind screamed with me… It blew against the leaf… The leaf seemed to fight and shriek for its life… No! I will not give up… I have myself! If I give that away… the last important thing I have will be gone because of me! Leave me be!
I was shocked… Is this really where it ends? Have I lost my mind? My sanity is falling…by just watching a leaf… how can it be? How can it have more endurance than me? I watched, sorrowfully, as the leaf sighed… Its green color fading as it slowly fell to the ground… All was lost… I watched as it not only changed color…but it changed gray… to black… I blinked away the tears. When my eyes reopened I saw it… All of the other scattered leaves had vanished… except for that one black little leaf… I walked towards it… picked it up… I looked at it closely, tears stinging my face. I cried my eyes out… Was it too late for me as it was for it? I managed to falter a sigh. I didn’t want this… but lest I knew it… It was too late… My fingers turned into the darkest black… The dark shadows creeping up my arms… on my chest, legs, and neck… It consumed my head… I screamed… Silence… I cried out… Nothing… I dropped the leaf, and it vanished. I kneeled and looked up helplessly… Was this… was this my fate? I looked through the blur… The wind coming to caress my face… The blur… was it my tears? No… It was not… I felt a small prick of gentle coldness touch my face… I strained to look up… This isn’t… happening… I sighed… My lips curled into a smile. I sighed, contently this time, as I fell on my back. The coldness enveloping me… The coldness felt warm, somehow… It felt… cool… and wonderful… I fell into deep sleep as the snow fell…
Will it end? An endless depth of demise will swallow me whole if I do not run. Though running, is that of which I fear. I walk, briskly, yet calmly. Will I be able to hide the truth on to what's to come? I am running short of words to place here... Am I diminishing so quickly. I feel all of a sudden empty and alone again. I want this to stop. I have not yet found a lover that will put up with me. Am I truly damned for eternity! Ah, how dreadful this is! I want it to stop! I want it to stop now! *sigh* Will anyone help me? I feel no love from anyone... They use me for their needs... Oh, God, will you save me? For once listen to my prayers? Will you be my savior?! Answer me, please... Do not leave me with tears for I think I would never stop ranting on and on... Though I have no more tears, I must think about sadness... I must be mortal... I want to be... I can't bear these damned feelings... Set my soul free, my Lord. Let my mind wander again on the joys of life itself. Will you answer me?! Do you want to answer me...
My friends forget me now... We promised eachother we would do things together! Have our time together! I GUESS NOT! They left me for others. I feels so cold... No so lonely. They say that their love is real and can never be broken! Don't lie to me anymore! I was out there; in the rain, I cried! Oh, how the rain soothes even my mind. They do not care anymore... They have grown tired of me too... Ah, well... too bad.. This is good right? I can leave now.... I have nothing to hold me back... nothing to keep my alive. When I was out there... it was so remarkable. The rain kissed my face and sent shivers through me. The angels' tears. How cold yet full of love and joy. I sat out there and cried... How could I have been so blind? Why did it feels so wrong to love them when they didn't even care? I'm no one's "best friend", whatever that is. I really am dissapointed. How can those mortals oppose me? Fine... I'll do this my way... I'll try my best to show them the true me... The real me... The dead me...
These past days are feeding on me... I can barely remember how love feels anymore. What is wrong with me? I can't scream or cry anymore... Is it because I've been through enough? Have I no tears left? Am I going insane? Or is it because my promise has been fullfilled? Ah, what promise you ask? Well not long ago, I promised myself that I will try to forget about "mortal feelings". When I intently watch the world that is full of fools... I realized that I was one of them. I didn't want to be like them. I did not want to judge or hate or lie... I wanted to be neautral in every way.... Though now, I am not even that. I am niether neutral or even opposing... I am nothing now... I take sides, but don't. Do you understand? If not then that was what I was aiming for... There is no one out there who is like me or understands my pain... People say they do. People say I am a moron for being depressed like this... They say it's because I want attention... I don't want attention; I need it. Though I don't even try... I really don't. They don't notice anyways unless they have nothing better to do. I cannot make myself cry anymore... am I losing it? I don't know what I'm trying to say.... well people say that they understand... They don't... Do not come to me and tell me what I should do or what you did! You may have experienced the same moments I did, but you will never react to them like I did! I will not tolerate it! People are ignoring me one by one and I simply won't let that happen! I won't let go until everyone knows how I feel about this Wretched World... I will not let myself be drowned in the worthless emotions... How can I? All I feel now is love and hate.... Can I rid myself of that?
Today I realized how much I was taken for granted. I was once again torn from my friends... and it was them to blame. I was so devastated that I could feel my heart being torn, yet I tried to keep my tears and pain inside. I feared that if I didn't everyone would know... everyone would stare... They would see right through me and know all my secrets. *looks up* I want this to end... all of it. When I'm sad, no one ever holds me anymore! Are they getting tired of me? What shall I do?! Send Drogan, my angel, back! I need someone like him... To love and guard me. To know and want me. *closes eyes tightly* I pray that I will be alive once more... if that is not possible... then take me now... I cannot bare to be alone anymore.. I'll do anything... just take me... just let me... just kill me.
I had the courage to pass the boarder of reality and fantasy... Yes, I fear I must say that I went to conquer my deepest nightmare... The field of Crimson Corpses... *sighs* I have had dreams of a field of Crimson roses and occassionally corpses would appear. I was devasted I was hurt beyond belief. I could not understand what was happening. Why was my mind playing this image... This horrid image in my head over and over again... I was on my knees sobbing. I could not stop myself. I was alone in the field and I did not know what to do... Then... it came to me. A memory from the past... a glitter of memory. I closed my eyes and the foul smell of blood gave into the smell of fresh flowers... roses... I opened my eyes and saw... the graveyard. Horror passed through me in small rivlets... I am sleeping. I am sure of it, I told myself. This is a dream.
It wasn't
I remembered that graveyard. I remembered the exact number of steps it took to get to that particular gravestone. The one that held my most feared nightmare. The one that held...
[Monique Katherine Alucard
1681--------
Beloved Daughter and Sister
Intelligent, Beautiful, and...
Dangerous.]
I staggered back with my heart pounding hard against my chest. I let my hand cover my mouth, as if fearing words of regret would stumble out of them. No.
I quickly looked around to find the day exactly the same from the past... It was a sunny day, and I thought it was so pleasant because my sister had died. It was a very cruel thought, though I could help but agree with the Earth. On that day I looked down into the open grave and saw the roots of the Earth closing in to grab the coffin and make it stay. It looked as if the Earth never wanted the coffin to leave for the sake of her people. I had also remembered that the day was windy... I could remember the crushed roses in my hand... Remember myself letting the roses fall atop the now buried coffin. I could remember saying these words, "Farewell, my dear sister. This is not what you think it is... I know that you are watching over us, though your protective gaze has turned into one that is hungry(I sighed in discontent)I hope that our paths do not cross again...(I turned to walk away but spoke to the grave behind me) though I know that you will come to me and stain my dirt streaked stream to crimson blood...."
My vision, yes vision not dream, shattered. I was left in the field of Crimson Corpses. There were just so many. I was doomed... I gasped as I looked down at my feet and saw my sister's grave marker... It all came clear to me now... These were not my victims of berfor, when I lost my soul... These were the inhabitants of the graves around me... All of the corpses were new though... All of them had slit throats, wrists, necks... all of them were bleeding... I finally understood when I looked down into my sisters supposed grave and saw nothing but a mirror. It was her...
In the past week, I have finally realized that Friendship was a completely empty vise that stifled any emotion from your body. I could not believe I had chosen so many that were not even close to being worthy. My closest companions are not even giving a second glance of worry towards my direction. I’m worried… so worried that it tears millions of holes into my skin and pours out every single fear I have always obtained. Yet they do not let themselves see this, they are always trying to make for it in other ways.
I wish to bathe in the Light again. Do not get me wrong; I have seen the Light before. I have let it wash over me from time to time, and that much I know is true. I’ve watched with silent apprehension as the rays washed over my sister’s glittering, fair hair. The sunlight’s fingers reached across her light brown hair in glistening gold. I would sit up in bed as the Light finally touched the face of my brother. His eyes closed tightly as the sun reached for them, though he remained in sleep.
I had let my hair fall into place, down my shoulders as I took of my tie. I let the sun touch my hair. The dark strands sparkling with shine as the sun warmed them. Then my chest felt so warm, almost burning, until the rays washed my face. I closed my eyes to savor the warmth, the Light.
I am one of the few that actually get to walk in the purity of the Sun. Though memories in the past are fading at a rate that my fingertips cannot obtain, I can remember for a while longer… remember the last sunrise I had as a human, though that’s a different story.
I must say even though I experienced that one sunrise, it has no meaning to me. I am filled with sorrow once more, and I yearn to live life without regret. I cannot sleep at night my angel, Drogan... he.... He cannot help me. I am forever doomed to walk this earth with loneliness and sorrow for the rest of eternity.
Heh... I think I'm done telling you the parts of my past... It's foolish... That's what I think NOW... *smirks* It's all over for you all... I've done my part in saving the world and it's my 'kamui's' job to kill it... I did kill my sister... She told me so much.... but I guess... *licks lips* I was impatient... *laughs* Now all I have to do is wait for all of you to bow down to your new Vampire Princess...
I was strolling down the graveyard at the end of our road... to meet mother... She had died three years ago and I've been going to her grave anytime I could... When I saw her grave I noticed a fresh set of flowers... Roses... Red Roses... With no further examing I snatched the flowers and glared at them.
"It was he..."
I turned with the flowers scattering everywhere. A man was there... staring... at me... He was in his thirties and looked like a rich young fool. His hair was blonde and his eyes where brown... He was just two feet taller than I. How dare he lie! It was certainly him who put the flowers on my mothers grave! But inside my head my mind swirled into thoughts of who this man really was...
I have been going to parties on and off this year... For some reason it is like the gods are trying to make my life better for there is a dark future ahead of me. I can't tell...
The words of the noble men and women flew past me even though they might have been speaking to me... I do not really understand them anyways... I never knew how to speak like a normal young woman... I never knew these people... maybe I have... once again I don't know... But I know one thing for sure... I don't know myself... But what I DO know... someone is watching my wretched being... with a twisted joyful soul...