I am grounded because I had broken my mother's trust. It was heartbreaking to have her strike me across the face here and there. I cannot really explain... People think it is because I cybered or had sex or something... Heh, well think what you will. I realized that I don't have to put up with rumors anymore. And somehow... I don't have to put up with these people. I have reached the top of the mountain that I was talking about. I have reached the peak and it is a glorious view instead of a breat tearing sight with jagged rocks at the bottom. I understand that I have hurt people, but one of the friends that I have... She loves me, and truly does. She knows how I want to be treated because she pays attention... calls and smiles at me in a way that does not make me feel like a freak. I can breathe when I'm with here. I can be myself, and we can talk about anything. She tells me that I should stop caring for other people and start caring for myself. I am already forgiven from my sins... and my other... "people" here are not really understanding me... They never do. I gave up the internet for them. (Ask Wil... She knows)... I wanted to be more in tune with my friends here... so that as they thought... "The internet is your life now..." You want to know why? You never really hung out with me... because I was an outcast.. But it doesn't matter now... It never will matter. So I'll just say this... I tried for you all... but I'm still being rejected... Instead of being respectful... you all give me harsh words... Talk behind my back, and hurt me... Well I'm done caring for what you all feel if you never cared for how I feel... I never regret anything, yet I regret what I don't do. So I'm taking the few friends I have and make new ones. This is my Revelation, and my corners are building once more... I want to start over... I want to help myself now... Thank you Wilmarie... I love you so much... You -are- my guardian angel...
[Band: Deathly Perfect
Song: Suicidal Treason
Stop hoping that things will be okay
everything is ruined through decay
start crying and cutting wrists
indulge yourself in painful bliss
Stop wanting them to come back to life
why love someone who holds the knife
start shrieking out your fears
until there's no more salt in your tears
They don't care when you slowly bleed
"You're the last thing we'll ever need"
Why do you even bother to stay
When they don't need you any way
Why can't you let it go
Why can't you leave them here
Salvation waits for you
Why can't you give in
From bloodied lips she responds
From fairest sins she does love
her words took her life
with every thrust of the knife
"I may have sinned
I may have fallen
I may not stop them
but I still love them"
]
Today, memories ran through my mind. The glimpses that only took seconds to play were slowly eating away at my soul. Tears that stung my childhood dreams started to fountain once more. I could not help but sob into Drogen's arms. He was always there, to hold me and smile. I was blind to think that I did not love him, for with each passing second he was there loving me and I him. There was a bond that could never be broken... and yet... it could never be united. Seams of unseeing regret started to fall apart. When truth starts to beat down your door, it all seems to come to place again. Maybe if I just let the knife dig a home into me. As I type, I cry. How could I let myself into the lies that slowly pried my heart open. No one has proven their love like Drogen... and yet it hurts to say this, but it is the truth...
Everyday I come home with a frown on my face. Everyday I slide a blade across my wrists. People think I'm not emotional, or depressed. They always see the mask that I place on myself every morning. Someone once told me that he hated emotional people. He hated them because they were so depressed when their parents were still together, in a nice environment, food, and friends... But that's not it is it? That's not why I'm sad. I have both parents, friends, education, food... And possibly more than any other person. Everytime I try to breathe, it chokes my body. I can barely move at times. I thought that maybe people online would be great to meet... Maybe I could start fresh... But when I entered, it was exactly the reality that bore me.
When I arrive at my home, I directly come to the computer... I try to smile at all my friends that I have met and act wise to those who need a teaching. When I smile on the chat... I'm doing the exact opposite... Crying at the keyboard. I cry black everytime... When I'm at school, it's the same thing... No one can ever see through me. Everytime I see Drogen, I greet him with the greatest smile. He always looks at me sternly... His eyes searching into mine...
["What is wrong?" Drogen's voice was hard and commanding.
"What are you talking about?" I try to even the tone of my voice out for him.
"Don't lie to me..." His voice cracked with hurt. The sound of it made my eyes tear... My smile still permanent.
"Michelle..." He started to cry... His body contorted in pain as he kneeled at my feet. I felt Drogen's warm arms wrap around my waist as he embraced me with his tears.
"Don't ever smile like that!"
My eyes grew wide as he yelled out. The pounding of my heart did not slow.
"It pains me to see you smile that way! It's so hollow and cold... There is no trace of you in there! I swear if you give me that fake smile again!... I swear it was death that smiled and took you..." He sobbed in my arms. I craddled him with my own tears...
Why did I smile this way... so that others can think of me as one of them... Why did I let the mask take control of me... When it actually hurt the one that really loved me...]
By: Suicidal Treason
Song: Bloody Princess
[No one wants to see her cry.
Turn away and leave her be.
No one cares if she slowly dies...
to black, she falls and leaves.
Never ends the falls so crimson.
Never ends the screams of pain.
Slowly fading out to gray.
Slowly fading out of boundary.
Deathly white and samely cold.
Shivering skin of the tattered bold.
Fold... her heart into pieces.
Rip out her soul and run.
Now that you raped her... now that you're done.
Kill yourself and rest with her.
Crimson Princess of the Darkest Hair.
Skin so fair... Cold as night.
Dreams of horror tears her fright.
Strip her of her dreams of gold...
Rape her of her tears...
Spoil her enough to make her silent...
Cut her enough to make blood spill...
Bruise her enough to kill...
No one wants to see her cry.
Turn away and leave her be.
No one cares if she slowly dies...
to black, she falls and leaves.]
Yesterday my heart broke into two... I could not believe that the ones that I tursted would hurt me so. I completely wanted to stay alive just for them... I guess I couldn't. I realized that I wasted my heart on some people that completely did not understand me. I do not know where to go anymore. I started to cut again and some friends of mine, you know who you are, actually called and comforted me. Jayni thank you for being there... Jamie, thank you for making me laugh again. Kize, I thank you for the hugs. Mike and Devin, thank you for calling. Ri I love when you listen and help me.
[I sat in front of the computer. I wanted the friendship it promised from my friends online. I wanted to feel the love that came from the people that could not physically come to me and embrace me tenderly. I turned to watch Angelique, James, and Drogen enter.
I felt ashamed for tears streaked down my eyes, spoiling my make up. I sobbed...
"Why can't I be happy anymore?!?!"
They looked down at my wrists; the blood seemed to flow from my wounds... on the keyboard. I sat on my chair, my head turned to them. Angel tried to hold back her tears.
"WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING IT ANYMORE, ANGEL?!?! WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF?! WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF!!! WHEN I REALLY WANT TO NOW!" I kneeled at her feet, clawing at her. "Why?" I sobbed, ashamed...
James placed a hand to his mouth, holding back his hurt.
"James?! Tell me! Tell me I can die now!" My heart broke as all they fed me was silence. I shrieked, "TELL ME!!! DO YOU NOT WANT ME AS WELL?! LIKE THEY? Do you not love me?!?!"
James placed a hand on Angel's shoulder as she broke down into tears. He embraced her and cried with her.
My eyes hurt from staring at them... Why couldn't he hugged me like so?
I turned away, sobbing I grabbed for the knife.
I heard Angel gasp and try to shriek my name.
Arms wrapped around my arms, holding myself back from wounding my now bleeding wrists.
"Don't be foolish." Drogen's warm voice soothed my pain only slightly.
"You didn't do anything. You did not lie; you were truthful. You are always being yourself, never changing. Be proud to be who you are... We don't want you to die... There is so much for you."
"WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE?!?!?!" I sobbed into his arms, heart completely splintering as I realized his embrace was not real. " I cannot feel you, Drogen! What kind of body is this?!" I turned to face him, my eyes pleading.
His hand reached up to touch my face, only to fade into me... "What kind of body is this?" Tears started to stream down his eyes... "I cannot touch you, Michelle..."
I shook my head, sobbing. "I cannot touch them... spiritually... They are gone now... all I need... all I want is to go home now..."
Drogen looked sadly at me. I hear Angel break down sobbing entirely...
"The Gates of Heaven are closed to you."
My eyes widened... Tears stung my eyes. It hurt to cry...
"You cannot reach heaven, Michelle. Not until you realize what you have..."
"I have nothing."
"You have yourself... You can retrieve new friends, but when you loose yourself... you're gone."
I shook my head, pounding my fists on the floor. I watched as small specks of blood stained my parent's carpet. I whimpered, trying to wipe it off. Drogen took my hands by the wrist... and it did not hurt.
I shook my head once more, "The problem is, Drogen... I cannot stop loving them."
"Don't love sinners..."
"I love my friends..."
Angel gasped and started to hysterically cry into James... They faded from view, their wings fading to black.
Drogen held pain in his eyes, "If that's what you wish..."
"That's... what I want..."
He faded from me.
"I can't stop; I'm sorry, Drogen. I'd rather go to Hell then stop loving them."]
My tears rolled down my face... Valentine's Day? Dance? Why was I so caught up in it. It's not like I'll ever find a boyfriend that would actually love me as a lover. The dance... what was its purpose?
Mascara bled down my cheeks; every tear stung. It was like being young again. I remembered the tears that would painfully pour from my eyes. It hurt me in the inside and out. I violently slammed my fists onto the keyboard. It was a miracle to me that my eyes or my hands did not bleed.
I shrieked helplessly. I could not help it anymore. Everytime I was in despair, I would shove my feelings down into the deepest confines of my heart. Why did it hurt so badly? I just wanted to be loved...
[ A cold hand touched my shoulder gently. I shivered, my tears stopping. My eyes looked up and the eyes of silky blue stared back down at me. I whimpered as he picked me up into his arms.
"Ssshhh," his voice of the deep waves crashed over me. "I know... I told you, but you wouldn't listen."
I sobbed as he placed me down into the warmth of my bed. "I felt so ignored... so abandoned. No one calls me, writes... I feel as if I screwed everything!"
Drogen bent down to kiss my forehead, and he wrapped his arms around me. His touch was but a small weight upon me. My arms found their way to lock around his neck, so he was required to lean over on me.
"I am sorry," I whispered, my voice cracked softly.
"It isn't your fault. I have known you your whole life, and I cannot blame you."
"I have been wretched my whole life."
"Of course not," his voice was stern.
"Drogen... you know I am the most stubborn girl... and all I want is anything I can get my hands on. I am selfish and greedy!"
"You just want to be loved." Drogen's voice softened, and my breath was taken away once more by those caressing waves.
"Yes," I agreed sadly, crying into his chest. "H-how do you put up with me?"
"I answered that question a few years in the past..." Drogen's eyes were deep and dark with sadness and compassion.
I looked up at him directly; his hand wiped the tears away softly. "Why?"
"It's as simple as anything. I love you. You are rare and no man can tame you. Though I do not wish to tame you, I just want to set you free. I will never push you to do anything... I will never place guilt on you. I love you so much, Michelle. It doesn't hurt when you do not love me... though it hurts when you do not let me in. I want the world to be yours, if that is your wish of happiness. I want you to be able to smile without it being hollow..."
"Drogen..."
Today I looked up into the sky of the bluest skies. With joy I watched the sun kiss the creatures below it. The magnificent waves of light rushed over the street with such power, it was intoxicating. I smiled, and it shocked me for the smile was not hollow. I smiled almost happily, almost…
The shine of the sun brought a pain in my heart and a slight thunder in my head. I winced in pain, my smile instantly fading. How could I be experiencing pain on such a wonderful day? My line of vision was fading to gray, and the brilliance of the light that kissed my skin was vanishing. The warmth was leaving me slowly; I could not escape from the loss of life.
I watched neglectfully as all became still. My eyes watered as I saw people around me freeze with time. I watched sinfully, regretfully, as I noticed who these people were. They were the people I had helped all these years. The ones who needed an embrace or a reassuring thought. Why did they ignore me so? Did I not deserve something better? Or have I sinned so much to be reached out to?
I walked over to each person. The grass and asphalt of the road were eroding beneath my bare feet. My fingers started to trail along objects that were on my path. The streetlight started to melt against my fingertips. I whimpered as I staggered backwards. I yelled for help as I screamed out into the thick air.
Silence.
No one wanted to hear me… because I was so dramatic.
“That’s right, Michelle. Everyone thinks you’re an emotional bitch.”
I shrieked, “Stop it!”
“No one cares.”
Tears stung my eyes… the same tears that were never wiped away.
I emitted my unheard cries of help; my fingertips blindly went through the shapes of the people around me. Why could I not erode them like everything else? Why could I not touch them? Why could I not reach them?
Suddenly I reached the middle of the mass of people. I felt the tears stick against my hot skin. I furiously tried to wipe them away though it was useless…
I looked up to meet the eyes of raging blue.
“Michelle…”
My eyes widen with tears, though I held them in…
His hand reached up to touch my face. The instant I felt skin touch skin, everyone disappeared. Time began to move once more.
“Michelle…”
He repeated my name with such kindness, with such love.
The sun blazed down to kiss my face once more, the songs of gentle winds and birds started to play in my head… and the sky matched the mesmerizing eyes I looked into.
I watched as his fingers, that were brushing my face gently, start to chip. The skin of his hand started to shatter and leave to nothing. My heart started to race as I willed him to stop.
He did not pull back… away from the danger… away from me.
“No please, leave me!”
I desperately tried to move, though my legs would not carry me.
He shook his head; his hair of the darkest brown brushed against his chiseled cheekbones as he moved. His soft skinned hand took mine, and he placed it to his face.
His smile was warm as I sobbed. I watched slowly as my touch did not go through him for the first time… My fingers were slowly poisoning him. His veins were visible to my view. They burned with the blood that raged through them. I watched as my touch started to erode him… I watched as I slowly killed him.
“Cry for me,” he said sorrowfully.
I let more tears come from my eyes… The first time I let myself be seen by a man… The first time I cried…
He smiled lovingly at me.
His lips mouthed out a word… his last word.
The sun was bright and everything had life once more… Why was I not happy?
“Michelle…”
His third call for me… His last call for me…
My tears were clear as I collapsed to the floor beneath me.
My eyes tore open, tears trickling from my eyes.
I looked over at the window to my right… I frowned to myself as the sun streaked into my room…
“It was but a dream… an empty promise.”
I had a real conversation with a friend today. Yes, he was here, so do not pester me about it. I went outside to sob all my worries out to the silent world. This was so unusual to me. I was always complaining about the cold, and there I was... in the cold. I was too busy crying and staining the snow with my tears. The swing was filled with snow, yet I paid no heed to it. I knew no one would listen to me on ET or anywhere my internet "friends" lingered. So I ran outside... I did not want to go to my friends in real life... because I had felt so happy before, I do not want them to see me so weak. So I cried, and lest I knew it... He came...
[I started to sob, uncontrollably. My eyes were red with tire, and I wanted to rip them out.
The snow around me was freezing my body slowly. I did not even fight as I watched my bare skin turn white with death. I only paid attention to how my tears flowed, and it only made my tears overflow completely.
Hands of the warmest wrapped around me. I ceased my crying, holding it in suddenly. I choked them down as I looked up.
Eyes of clear blue oceans looked back at me. His eyes were so pure compared to the now gray sky of February.
“What are you doing without a coat?”
Wiping my eyes roughly, I shrugged.
His arms had left a coat around me. I looked over at him, and I noticed he had no other coat to protect himself.
I was about to hand it back to him, though he shook his head and smiled warmly. That smile was enough to warm me up, not the coat.
“What are you doing here?”
“You weren’t in your room so I found you out here, crying.”
“I was not crying.”
“Do not lie to me.”
I muttered darkly, pulling the coat around me tightly.
I looked over at him, sitting beside me on the bench.
His eyes looked sad and marked with worry, he spoke.
“So I heard what happened between you and that guy.”
“Yes, so?”
“Does it hurt.”
Does it look like it hurts… Do you see my damned tears?!
“No…”
“Liar.”
I laughed softly.
“It doesn’t seriously.”
…
“Has he seen you cry before?”
I looked at him, shocked.
“Excuse me?”
He spoke once more.
“Has he seen you cry?”
I nodded.
“In a world of darkened gray, linger on and never cry. Never let a man see your tears. Never let them wipe away the sins. Will yourself not to give in and give out. Will yourself to never scream. Tell yourself that he might not be the one. Tell yourself you cannot give yourself to him completely.”
“Why? I love him.”
“Did he say the same to you?”
“Yes, of course… because it is true.”
“Then where is he?”
“In my heart.”
“Silly girl.”
He ruffled my hair, smiling down at me weakly.
“You love him, really?”
I nodded as a smile spread across my lips.
“How much?”
His questions were drowning me.
“I have felt for him for so long. Though sometimes it sickens me that I cling so desperately to someone who doesn’t-.”
“Love you.”
He finished for me, and he was correct.
I hated it.
“So you admit it…”
Tears were about to streamed from my dark eyes.
“I just told everyone I loved him so… why does it hurt now that I look back.”
“Maybe you just need time away from men.”
“Away from him?”
“Yes.”
“Away from you?”
“…”
“Answer me.”
“I believe that I do not trouble you, hopefully.”
I shook my head solemnly.
“No…”
His smile faded.
“The men you have met have mostly treated you so awfully. I do not want to see you hurt again.”
“It is not their faults… It is mine.”
“Why do you pile upon yourself such descents?”
“I do not exactly know; maybe because it is true?”
My sarcasm made him flinch.
He spoke gently.
“You know it is not even your fault. Why?”
I looked away from his pleading eyes of blue.
“I want to imagine my lover as someone who is kind, never someone who is an evil.”
“Though, why?”
“Why do you need to know so much?”
He hesitated and only displayed it in his eyes.
“I love you.”
“You lie.”
“Why would I?”
“For men say that to me so many times... I know it is not tru-…”
He almost proved me wrong once more; I shut my mouth.
“Ah, so you understand my point. You have been hurt so much. I seriously care for you. I do not want you to be torn and tattered. You are so beautiful in mind; one such as you must be spared from all sins. Please, do not do anything dramatic, for one man.”
“You try to flatter me? It works slowly though not fully. I am still hurt. You do not help. Leave me.”
“Though why should I? Are you that naive? I know you too well to ignore your feelings. I may not be yours as you are not mine, though the notion that I love you still stands. I will never leave you. That is what you want is it not?”
How did he know? He continued.
“I have always known what you do when these men hurt you. You mourn in the confines of your room…”
His fingers encased a sliver of brown hair from my head. As he tucked away the tendril of silky hair, he kissed my forehead softly.
“I enter every time you cry. I always find you not noticing my actions… I find you shrieking in the corner of the dark. You desperately cry for someone to hold you like you have always wanted.”
He took me into his arms.
“I have been your friend for so long. We are like one… I hear your every cry. I try to help you through it, though you push me away. I am sorry to inform you, I will never let go of you.”
My eyes widen, filled with tears.
“That is what you want. Though you always hide your pain behind your eyes in public, I can still see the hurt, the loneliness.”
I sobbed, shaking in his arms. I was completely vulnerable.
“Why?! Why do you not save me…?!”
“I feel like taking photographs of you… keeping your face smiling for the rest of my life is the only thing I want. I want a smile from you that does not hide any regrets. I love you dearly, though do you love me?”
I nodded as if I was on automatic.
“Then smile for me.”
I shook my head vigorously, for I did not want to give in. I cannot share my pain.
“Ssshhh, relax. If you do not want to smile, do me another favor.”
I looked up into those sky blue eyes… The skies of the richest blue…
“Do you love me…”
I nodded my head once more, shaking in his strong arms.
“Never, let a man see you cry… unless you truly love him.”
Sadly, he proved me wrong once more…
I looked up at him, shoving every emotion down.
“Why?”
My voice cracked.
“The sign of tears in weakness… You never give your weakness to one you do not trust… love.”
I willed myself to place my mouth into a fine line. I nodded…and did not let myself cry.]
Why do I bother to keep living? What is really pulling me on? What is my motive. Seriously, every day I get more depressed. What it truly him who swore at me... who made me feel like a whore. What in the world am I going to do. My heart has broken once again, and I cannot handle it. My tears overflow with every word... I am seriously just bored of this world... Bored out of my wits. What am I to do when everyone hates me?! What am I to say when there is nothing for me to speak of? How many lies must I go through, to realize... this isn't my time... This isn't my home.
The ignorance surrounding me is intoxicating. I have said this many times before, yet no one seems to listen. “It is never too late to cherish life, though it maybe too late to tell the ones you love you cherished them.” I love all my friends in a way I cannot describe. Though in my eyes, they are children who shall never see in time. So let the winter pass on by, for does the snow not stop time? I shall wait and succumb to the grief of being frozen. With my frozen hands, I shall walk the Earth. I shall touch everyone with these cold fingertips and watch as they freeze as well. Some did not heed my warning; most did nothing but abandon me. Who had given you care and guidance in such an affectionate companionship? Everything I have been does not matter. I have realized that no one really needs me. They have someone else to fill my spot. I know of this, and I do not give a damn what you have to counter with. There is nothing you can do to change my mind. I have come to a conclusion, as to, when I die; no one will visit my grave everyday… or every other day, at least. No one would replace my flowers, if any, around my stone. Who shall replace my stone or protect it when it withers away from erosion? Who will sing my sweet lullabies when it is peaceful? Who loves me enough to tell me before this happens or after?
To all my friends (you know whom I speak to),
I wonder every night why you are with me. I have so many close friends, though I do not express my feelings enough to anyone. I think it is here that I shall give in to life once more...
I had just read something that shattered my heart. A friend whom I have cared for so created the entry. Thinking that this certain friend is not happy with her new life here, is very tragic. I have known that being here did not make her any happier, though I thought I could fill the void that she desperately clings too. I try to set her mind on other things, happy things. Though all I do is become the monster that I dread to be, mortal... and human. I have though about it before; I know I am human, though it does not mean I must act like one. I have always wanted to help everyone in need... Though those that are close to me at heart are drowning in their own sorrows, and I am too blind to realize that.
I am so sorry, my friends. I am not up to hold such relationships anymore. I am finally realizing the light and the beauty of it all. I cannot love without being hurt and I cannot give without being taken. I am sorry for have ignoring your wishes. I feel as if you all have left me though... I feel my heart tearing slowly, and my skin pricking against me. I feel cold and winded.
Why can I not tell you why I am saying this?! I am confusing myself as I go on...
The light that I have seen these few months has taken a different route away from me. It has disappeared from my sight; I do not think it will return...
The depressing moments are lingering on me once more... I am falling into the depths of reality. I feel as if... it is time for me to leave this world, though am I strong enough? I highly doubt it. I do make people's life a living hell... Without me... everything would have been better.
No one really cares, and that's a fact. They always think that leaving me alone is the best solution to my problem. Well what I need this very instance, is a loving caress. I need soothing words and such gentleness and caring. I do not receive that. As much as I smiled and laugh, there is nothing there. Empty happiness is what I bear, and no one seems to notice that... Though when they do notice, they are sad as well and tend to ignore me.
So what I need is the strongest person of them all... What I need is someone who does not promise anything to me.... I need someone is honest and loving. This is no fantasy... This is full-fledged reality... And if no one grasps hold on me soon, the reality will soon slip away from me as well...
Lovingly written,
Michelle
~*~I Want it to End~*~
All they did was lie to me. It hurt when I learned the lie, though it hurt even more to learned the truth. Nothing is as it seems anymore, and nothing is like I want it... Everything falls apart slowly, like pages from a rotting book. Everything withers slowly, like the petals on the stem. No one really listens; all they do is watch. Cry for me when I am gone... Abuse me when I'm here.
Everytime you do this, I have to make myself cry. I get the knives and even the metal hangers and see what they can do. I try to cry and try to die while thinking about you. Though something is wrong, I cannot cry. I cannot feel and cannot die... God, why? Why can I not feel? Please... let my tears come. Please, someone embrace me. Though I push all away, is there one who shall come foreward at will? Shall someone come to be out of bravery?
Pull me from my emotions. Toy with me and leave me here. Like the leaves fade from summer. Like the snow fades to spring. Let the rain wash over me an my sins. Let the rain wash over the wounds you have caused. November has passed though December is scarring me. I want it to stop as soon as it wills.
Every day it is the same thing. "I love you..." "I hate you..." Leave me alone, or do not say anything at all. Everyone is ignorant and selfish of themselves. Laugh at me just to prove you are powerful... Are you "cool" when you laugh at a suicidal girl? Are you "cool" when it is your fault she is gone? Are you "cool" when you laugh at the dead? Are you "cool" when you laugh at me...
You say so many words that should make sense. Though in the end, it is just a blur. No one understands someone like me. Though in the end, they see the light. I hope someday you will realize. I hope someday you will know...
I hope some day you will finally see... I hope some day it will no longer snow...
~*~Angel~*~
Last night I tried to force myself to cry. It hurt me so much. My chest felt like a painful dagger was giving it repeated stabs. My throat was a knot... I... could not breathe. I had to prove to myself that I could have emotions. I needed to cry. At first the tears were fake. So I started to hurt myself. It was unhuman that I could not cry... I had to cry, because something bad had happened and I showed no emotion... I had to cry.. because it would prove myself wrong. I was human! I did have a soul! Suddenly, my childhood flashed before me. I had no friends then. Was it because of my race? I hate to say or even think if it is true. I then started to think about all my friends... I started to think about how many friends stood by my side. My tears were now abundant. I started to tell myself that they did not care about me... "I've got a lot of friends, but I don't hear from them. Just another day on my own..." I wonder... everytime I am with them... They see through me... I am to no importance to them... They use me. I make their lives hell...
My tears were overflowing... My heart now ached of overexertion..
~*~Your beloved
~*~Angel~*~
[Continued... ]
The tearing in my heart will not stop... How can you live with a thought that a man says he loves you... and leaves you? Will it ever be the same or will it ever come around? I cannot let my heart die, yet it is willingly letting itself go. I'm broken... I can feel these waves of pain flowing through me... and I... can't take it... Everything is turning black and gray... No one's here anymore... They all lied... No one's here to wipe my tears away... They all lied... No one's here to love me...
[I can imagine hooks piercing through me, then pulling down... My heart, desperate to breathe, is only choking. It tries to beat, but it can only do what the depression wills it to do... The small pricks of cold pins prickling against your skin. The sudden dizziness in your head and the hot watering tears forming in your eyes... That, I can imagine...] ~*~Quote from me in an email~*~
I made the same mistake again. I choose the wrong friends again. It's 2003 all over again... and it's all my fault. I thought maybe, it will be different this time. I guess not... Everyone is drifting apart to leave me behind... Fine, so be it. I'll show them. I am in no terror in front of death... For I am death itself... I'll kill myself if I have to... I'll die to make the pain go away...
[To be continued]
The feeling that I have held for so long has finally vanished. My love is slowly slipping away for the pity of masculinity. I feel as if I am used and tormented for men to have their pleasure. I go insane, thinking that one would actually love me. Yet, no! I sit in the darkness of the empty abyss that no man can fill. And yet, you think of me mad? Nay, no woman I want! I want a man! I may sound mad, though am I really? It is you who torments me as well. Can you ever stop? to smell the hurt... the blood? Can you not see I yearn for an embrace that touches me in physicality and emotionally. I yearn for an embrace that will hold me as if holding on to dear life. An embrace that shall show power and dominance... with no sense of regret and pain. Where shall I find such a man to do one such thing? One man who is prevailing and gentle to my feelings. One man who does not take over me like such a rag doll. Where shall I find such a being? Angels... my angel... a man. He loves me, though he cannot touch me. Drogen... How I wish he were real... though my wishes are of fantasy... and my fingers go through them.
Help... I really need it. I'm about to break down. I have no one to lean on. Everything is falling a part... My secret is almost out... Will I live to see if they will find the truth? Will I let myself live? I can't just leave... No... People push me down, though... do they really? Am I the one who is pushing me down?
People ignore me for others... Am I getting boring? Am I out of my mind? Do you understand? I get all these letters that say I'm crazy... That I shouldn't be like this... Well damn you! I can be what ever I fucking feel like! Don't come to me and tell me what to do! I'm not standing for this... Like I said... I won't hate anyone... but I may just want to hate you... and isn't that a form of hating itself? Tell me... what do you have against me? Is it because you think you are better then me? If that's it, join the club... Other's think that too... I'm angry with them... or am I just conceited?
People think they can have their way with me... well guess what? I'll retaliate this time around... No more tears... just fight... But I can't stop the tears... Damn... I'm contradicting myself again ... What am I going to do... when there is no one else there but my shadow? What am I going to do when they leave me... Or when I move on? I see the truth... I have woken up, what about them? What about you....
[This is a small conversation I had with myself. I contradict myself in many ways here. Only a true poet can see my way of things... Tell me... what about you?]
Today I realized that I was human. You may laugh if you wish. I may have said I was not human… It is not totally proven yet, but I still want to believe that I can be the ultimate creation. I want to feel nothing… I do not want to act as foolish as my so-called “peers”. Today… my friend and I had a short conversation in the hall way…
[I'm A Survivor] _____ and _____ were talking about you….
[TheVmprSlyr]…. Alright… that’s fine with me…
*my ex boyfriend stood with my circle of friends, looking at me with searching eyes*
*I kept my eyes straight at Umara…*
[I'm A Survivor] Well… they said a lot of shit about you.
[TheVmprSlyr] Like? ( I was surprised by my emotionless voice. Somehow I knew that was not I speaking. If I were in the right state of mind… my character would have been furious even though I did not know what these two people had said.
[I'm A Survivor] They said that you cut yourself just to feel the pain. That you drink your own blood and that you eat your scabs.
*Drogen had winced… no one could see him of course except for me. He is my guardian angel you see. I love him very much… it’s just that… Well everything wrong that happens to me… scars his lean body. When Umara said those words I noticed a small line of crimson emit from his cheek*
[TheVmprSlyr] What ever… I don’t give a fuck what they say… I have to leave; the bell rings in a few. Later.
When I had said those words, Drogen winced again. I was not looking at him anymore. I knew I was not being honest with myself and Drogen had to pay for it.
The ride home from school was so silent for me. I kept on listening to a sorrowful Japanese Song. It calmed me for a while, though I started crying. Tears that have not been seen for the longest time had been scarring my face. Every single word that kept repeating itself stung me…
She slits her wrists….
My skin crawled at that statement…
She drinks her own blood…
My eyes winced in the emotional pain, and a tear trailed its way down my face.
I could not help myself. It was November 2003 all over again. I wanted to kill myself, yet that would only prove a fraction of what those people had said about me. Even if it was not true, I still did not want to gift them with power over my life. I hated it.
People at school they learn about labels, rumors and how they can hurt others. When the speaker asks, “Does everyone understand? It’s wrong…” All the students nod, but 75% of them do not listen… That is a lot… It probably really only narrows down to about 85%…
I really do not know what to do… and this does not mean you should tell me what I could do. I hate it when people do that. They think that they can help you, but in reality… their words mean nothing to me. Only the negative phrases edge into my skin. Why? Why do I let myself do this…
There are no happy memories in my diary… Why? Well why don’t you tell me? Can you help me… fill in the void of happiness that seems to hide itself from me?
It tears me apart
I cannot keep living. November must pass soon or I will probably do something rational. Why? When I need my friends the most they ignore me.
You do not call anymore…
Why won’t you look at me…?
Do you even want to talk to me?
Are you forgetting me?
It feels like you are lying to me… are you?
This is a poem I just made right now. The phrases or sentences in the parenthesis are easier words to understand. I have made a translation, mind you, for people who are stupid minded. Like some of my friends… They do not listen to my poems because…
1. They are too long… (Which offends me)
2. I cannot understand what you are saying. (Then you are not my friend are you?)
3. I do not know what you are even… saying (Then leave…)
I doubt that most people had gotten this far… Who cares what I think, you know? *smiles weakly*… Thank you, the rest of you, who have stuck through my explanation.
[I want to die in the leaves of November
It is November again and the sun will not come out (My depression is surfacing again)
It is November again and I cannot shout…(I can tell no one of my feelings)
My pain lingers again through the doorway of fantasy and reality (I am thinking of death or dieing again)
Kill me kiss me… (You always ignore me… and when it is too late you come back)
That is your way (You do this all the time)
Do not come near me… (It’s for your own good)
Go away (You do this anyway)
The leaves are falling (My heart is sinking)
Please make them fall faster (I want this month to end)
I want the snow to come sooner… (I want December)
December where are you? (Salvation where are you?)
The skies of deep blue (Peaceful feelings)
Where is the snow… when I need it? (snow= Comfort)
November has come and I am fading away (damnation=November)
Nothing to do (I can do nothing to impress you)
Nothing to say (What should I say when you do not listen?)
No place in my heart where the warmth can stay (I have forgotten what it feels like to love)
Please do not speak to me
Your words are always harsh (You do not understand me)
You do not know me…
Do not touch me
All these years I have put up with your filth (All my friends… this refers to you)
All these years you did nothing for me (I did everything for you…)
When I cried your shoulder was never there (No comfort came from my friends)
When I smiled you never smiled back (You are always angry at me)
If you did…remind me for this might be all fake (Fake friends)
The fake words that whisper love (Saying “I love you”… doesn’t mean anything)
The fake relations that shout out falseness (I know what you do behind my back…)
November will you leave me be? (Satan will you leave me be?)
The air so cold (I feel nothing but emptiness)
no warmth
no me…(I have lost myself)
I am falling into the void of the darkened night (I am falling into Satan’s hands)
No one in sight… (No one like me)
loosing my sanity (…)
piece by piece…
Stop talking… (-behind my back)
No more…(-Stop)
Leave me…
Go away…
Leave me…
Don’t stay…
I’m leaving… because that is what you said I should do… (You give my signs of no wanting)
So why… can I not leave you? (I still love you…)
Please tell me now (Speak the truth)
Please let it go (Lets start anew)
Why me? (Why do I feel this way)
Why now…(November)
Please…. tell me why?
Is it true?
Is it real…
Kill me Kiss me…
That is your way
So I will let the leaves fall down (I will try to withstand the temptation of suicide)
If I survive… I won’t have long (I will still have problems when November is over)
If I survive… I will come after you… (I’ll tell you the truth… I’ll tell you I want to die)
Your scars are on me…
I bear them for you…(I can feel your pain… but you cannot compare to mine)
Your tears are from me…
I pour them for you…(I cry… for you.. and me alike)
November is half way done now
Can I make it through the past and past the future? (Can I withstand the memories and the moments?)
Tell me now…and I will leave… (If you tell me, I’ll do as you wish and leave)
Why can’t you leave me alone? (Why can’t you stop talking about me?)
Why do you bother to break my heart…(Why are you saying you love me… when it is all a lie)
When it is already torn apart… (It… is inimitable…)
November…]
How did you like that? Pretty good, no?
Well… I cannot type anymore… It’s too much to handle for me…
Farewell
~*~Angelique~*
The beautiful leaves fell today… I watched… The glory of the rapturous gray clouds washing over me. The buzzing streets of my hometown have now frozen into silence. I sing softly into the night only to receive nothing… I watch, shivering, as only one green leaf clings onto the branches of a tree. I watch as time stops. There it is hanging helplessly onto the wretched tree. Fall, there is nothing you can do, I say to it. Let yourself go… Join the others in the abyss of normality. There is nothing to be proud of… There is nothing that you have… The leaf seems to be battling my words… It clings silently onto the tree. My hair almost rose in annoyance. I screamed at it, there is nothing for you here! Just go away! Fade and give in to the cold! As I screamed… the wind screamed with me… It blew against the leaf… The leaf seemed to fight and shriek for its life… No! I will not give up… I have myself! If I give that away… the last important thing I have will be gone because of me! Leave me be!
I was shocked… Is this really where it ends? Have I lost my mind? My sanity is falling…by just watching a leaf… how can it be? How can it have more endurance than me? I watched, sorrowfully, as the leaf sighed… Its green color fading as it slowly fell to the ground… All was lost… I watched as it not only changed color…but it changed gray… to black… I blinked away the tears. When my eyes reopened I saw it… All of the other scattered leaves had vanished… except for that one black little leaf… I walked towards it… picked it up… I looked at it closely, tears stinging my face. I cried my eyes out… Was it too late for me as it was for it? I managed to falter a sigh. I didn’t want this… but lest I knew it… It was too late… My fingers turned into the darkest black… The dark shadows creeping up my arms… on my chest, legs, and neck… It consumed my head… I screamed… Silence… I cried out… Nothing… I dropped the leaf, and it vanished. I kneeled and looked up helplessly… Was this… was this my fate? I looked through the blur… The wind coming to caress my face… The blur… was it my tears? No… It was not… I felt a small prick of gentle coldness touch my face… I strained to look up… This isn’t… happening… I sighed… My lips curled into a smile. I sighed, contently this time, as I fell on my back. The coldness enveloping me… The coldness felt warm, somehow… It felt… cool… and wonderful… I fell into deep sleep as the snow fell…
Will it end? An endless depth of demise will swallow me whole if I do not run. Though running, is that of which I fear. I walk, briskly, yet calmly. Will I be able to hide the truth on to what's to come? I am running short of words to place here... Am I diminishing so quickly. I feel all of a sudden empty and alone again. I want this to stop. I have not yet found a lover that will put up with me. Am I truly damned for eternity! Ah, how dreadful this is! I want it to stop! I want it to stop now! *sigh* Will anyone help me? I feel no love from anyone... They use me for their needs... Oh, God, will you save me? For once listen to my prayers? Will you be my savior?! Answer me, please... Do not leave me with tears for I think I would never stop ranting on and on... Though I have no more tears, I must think about sadness... I must be mortal... I want to be... I can't bear these damned feelings... Set my soul free, my Lord. Let my mind wander again on the joys of life itself. Will you answer me?! Do you want to answer me...
My friends forget me now... We promised eachother we would do things together! Have our time together! I GUESS NOT! They left me for others. I feels so cold... No so lonely. They say that their love is real and can never be broken! Don't lie to me anymore! I was out there; in the rain, I cried! Oh, how the rain soothes even my mind. They do not care anymore... They have grown tired of me too... Ah, well... too bad.. This is good right? I can leave now.... I have nothing to hold me back... nothing to keep my alive. When I was out there... it was so remarkable. The rain kissed my face and sent shivers through me. The angels' tears. How cold yet full of love and joy. I sat out there and cried... How could I have been so blind? Why did it feels so wrong to love them when they didn't even care? I'm no one's "best friend", whatever that is. I really am dissapointed. How can those mortals oppose me? Fine... I'll do this my way... I'll try my best to show them the true me... The real me... The dead me...