The Whore of Your Bleeding Art
By: Suicidal Treason

Yesterday and this morning was the happiest day of my life. The sky was as blue as the eyes I yearned for. My heart was as light as the feeling I wanted. The people I was with... the most amazing people you could ever meet. I wanted so much to freeze-frame every moment. I wanted to record every laugh and every comment. The sun shone with the brightest rays. The lands glistened with the most beautiful liquid kisses. I was sin-free for over twenty four hours... Do you know how beautiful that is? Do you know how happy I was? I promised a friend that I would cry tears of joy... but before I could ever let a blissful tear go... My heart turned black as the void that I lusted for. I was heartbroken... and it wasn't insantly. It wasn't like before when you hit into something so fast and so hard and it hurt afterwards. This kind of hurt was something that was so slow. The most heart shattering moment freeze framed... The moment I didn't want to capture. Who ever knew that I could be happy, you know? I'm so grateful for the happiness I was given, or maybe I'm just saying this because I want to be rewarded for being so good... I'm so twisted aren't I?! I'm such a bitch for ever believing that I deserved this! This is a devil's paradise!--and I'm letting myself live in it! I am an undeserving whore... and a lot of people would agree... But why am I crying?...Why am I crying when it's all my fault... No one cares... No one ever reads these anyways... They think I'm screaming out for attention... but I never get it unless I threaten to leave or die. No one in this world loves me in the way I always wanted... -Whispers.- I just hope... that He does...It's weird... It's going to rain soon...-Bursts into tears, irl-

Pictures of Michelle

Damn straight! Be blinded by the black light! Shwoooo-w00t!

It's hard to stay alive because of al the things that happen around you...

Here's something from my life.

My parents:

I don't know where I'm coming from. I may sound selfish, but that's the result of almost fourteen years of damnation. Yeah, my life is a living hell, and I'm not joking either.

I'm the eldest of four kids. I'm the one that was born before the parentals ever got married. I'm the mistake... the "beauitful" mistake.

I always have to be perfect. I have to wear the right clothes, look the right way, speak the proper things, and do everything I'm told. Get good grades. Get good friends. Get a good life. Well fuck that.

I'm just a teenager and people are expecting me to be a like a freaking super star. I have good grades. I try to get good friends. I want to have a good life. I'm not perfect, and you can't expect me to be that way. It's never like that. You can't do that. That's fucked up.

I don't know why my parents always shove me with bullshit, saying that they love me. The only love they sport is the kind of love they -have- to have. As parents they are obligated to love their children. Their love is a privelage not a pleasure. I don't have the privelage; it's always on and off.

No matter how many times my other siblings go hay-wire... it doesn't matter. They can hit, annoy, scream, complain, cry, bad mouth who ever and whenever they fucking want. They always get away with it. When I say always, it's always. No joke. I know they're young, but the "parents" know that they should start teaching respect NOW so they can grow up to be better kids.

At first, I thought therapy would help. It's helping me but not them. And if they aren't helping... I'm not getting anywhere.

These are the small things that gets them hitting me, yelling at me, bitching at me, and involving me.

1. If I look at them wrong.
2. If I sigh.
3. If I even put my voice in a fucking tone louder or higher.
4. If I don't answer the first time.
5. If I don't do EVERYTHING I'm told.
6. If I embarass them with things that a true.
7. If I have a lower grade than an A.
8. If I have bad friends.
9. If I listen to music they don't like.
10. If I read things that aren't in their liking.
11. When I'm right...

You may think that they have to get mad at me if I push these 11 things too far right? Well yeah... but keep this in mind:

1. I get A's B's and Occasional C's.
2. I have mostly good friends, I'm determined not to be influenced the wrong way.
3. I don't do drugs.
4. I don't drink.
5. I don't do anything completely intolerably illegal.
6. I've never been kicked out of school.


[To be continued.]

My parents are yelling at me again...

~*~

Life isn't as easy as I thought it up to be. It leaves you bent and broken in places you can't even see. Sometimes you want to hold on to things that aren't really there... yet there are other things that are beyond blissful compare. There are things that trap you. They make you do things that you don't want to do. I don't know why I want to cling on to those things, but I love the ignorance it brings. Ignorance is bliss? Well I've had a lot to miss. I don't want to miss a moment. I don't want to miss an instant even if this lovely obsession turns into a rant. I've fallen in love with things here when at times, they aren't even clear. To me, imperfections are perfect and things that are truly considered beautiful is wrecked. I'm such a strange viewer of the world I live in. I'm a follower of God that continues to sin. I want more than ever to stop the lies and say my unending goodbyes. I thank the world that all of you love me... but I can't see how this can be... Farewell.

~*~

Kiss me kill me that is his way, wrap me in a blanket of decay. Keep me showered with attention that's gold into ways that are dead and old. Just close your eyes and keep your skin, so once more I won't let you in. They told me before that you were sweet, a heart always in sync a beat.
But blood poured from mine way too fast, a heart that was to weak to last. I'm guessing this won't even catch your eyes, yet this is how I'll say my goodbyes. Goodnight to all and to all a good night, so alone I can face my on going fight.

~*~

I should have listened to my friends here. I should have listened to you. There are people here who wouldn't have given a shit if I left or not. I guess I should have taken my own advice from all those years ago. The guilt I've harbored on the ones I love is too much for even me to bear. I should have pressed the knife further but not into their skin. I should have reversed the blade and drove it into my own sin. The world is spinning faster than the waves that washed me away. The night is my Queen, yet she no longer holds her sway. I thought that I was slipping down into the depths of that fountain. The fountain that held my emotions and swirled around just like a rage of currents. I was being pulled down so far I couldn't breathe, and no one was there to pull me up... I guess I've done the worse... because I figured out that I was in love... But it takes two to love and not just one, and I have to suffer for what I've done. So no one could pull me out, just like before... That's the story of my life's gore. The worse thing is?-- He isn't here anymore. The one I loved and could cry to. He left because I told him to, and all he said was "I love you". So where are those wings with the brightests feathers?-- That I can cry into and fall into bliss. Why am I so selfish... when it's my fault that he has gone amiss. I am alone indeed.

The moon no longer holds her sway, my love. This is a love stained with blood that shall never wash off. A scar that shall never vanish is a scar indeed. This is a hate that is purified with lust. It runs in your veins like poisonous wine. You are my angel, my love. To let go is to forever be a lawful companion of God’s words… To give in is to spend the rest of our lives, together, as condemned lovers. Oh, what choice shall I choose, what not upon yourself? My darling let us be the happiest sinning lambs on God’s plain. Let us run to a place where nothing matters but us, our Kingdom, our Heaven. <3 Michelle I am condemned…

I’m sick and tired of the Regret that seems to just love running over my heart.
The memories flooded over me until my compassion was torn apart.
I’m just speeding down Suicidal Lane again, as fast as I can.
And if I can’t hitch a ride with you, I’ll just create my own plan.
And I remembered what you said; I wish I could forget.
But just recalling all those blissful times, makes me want to regret. 
I’ve been damaged before and believe me it wasn’t nice.
I’ve been scarred and bled by those I loved and it led me to turn to ice.
But what I can’t understand is the pain that you think is pleasure.
Because of you, there is so much more hurt to measure.
So why did you whisper in my ear that everything would be just fine.
When I finally figured out at last, that you would never be mine?

The Broken Reflection


Oh, beautiful being with the sorrowful heart why did you deny yourself twice? I thought she wanted to join me in blissful salvation. I guessed the girl did not like trying her hardest. I thought this female wanted to stop her immoral addictions. I guess she could not escape. Words of promise poured from a lush mouth. It was but bitter wine, the form of sin. Those lips devoured lies and spat them out in many directions. Her mind had played games on her and everyone about. Did she lie or did she forget? Was temptation that strong? I thought I was set for life. I thought my companion had come. We could have been sisters of eternal truth and light with bliss. But her head turned away from that mirror of hers. The mirror that shows the truth of whom you are. She shattered it with ignorance, a stone of lies and hate. It was a common thing that surprised me so much. I had seen it so many times. I did not want to see it happen to her. The torn image of a promising young woman was too much to bear; it tore me inside. I guess I preferred to see life one way. I guess I just wanted her to live. She pulled away from me more often. I knew I was not a good enough reason for her to convert. I was not forcing this fragile thing into a cult; I let her rule herself. Is there where I went wrong; was it my fault? This girl is not acting the way she tried to promise. An Angel was drunk with sinning wine and memories, influences that drugged her dry. She was not as strong as I believed. I lost hope in her, this girl of dark promises. Every time she passed a mirror the reflection was not hers to keep. I guess this human shattered the mirror too deep. She became one of them again and again… Not knowing the cause of her pain. I wanted to pull her out this time, by force… Yet young woman seemed so happy. I did not want to strip that away from her, not again… but it was too fake for me to handle. Maybe everything was better off this way. I should not need to bring out a new mirror for her. She should find one herself, one as dark and damp as the others, no longer able to clean the sins off. I grabbed her hand before she fell; I did. I saved from the burning hell. I needed a companion so that I would not be lonely… But there I was, when she fell on her own. She wanted the darkness more than I knew. This time, I let her go. I didn’t think it was worth it to dive in after her this time around. So now I watch her; the beautiful image of her whole was an image indeed. These girl’s eyes were no longer sorrowful or understanding. She was more care free and elegant. The mask was placed delicately upon her face; it was eating her emotions dry. I wanted to take her, hold her… devour her cries. Yet, I stood there, completely still. I was different from her; I was stronger. I could push away a thought in a second. I was not as weak as her, but I almost wanted to be. I almost wanted to be like a child again and again. Having the heart and body so innocent and fragile. I yearned for everything ignorance gave. Comfort, guidance, love, and protection. I needed it all; I wanted it all… But I could not go back… I think, I was scared of going back to that state. I didn’t want it at all. I remembered I hated it. All of it was just a lie that I would have to harbor again and sob over it again. It was too much, too much to bear. This –was- how it was supposed to be. I could never change that even if I wanted to. She belonged there and I here. There was nothing else that I could have done. She’s trapped inside the box, and I was trapped out. 
“I watched her from behind dark eyes, and thought about all the lies. I watch behind burning eyes, and devoured all her lies.”

[Here is another song by Suicidal Treason, my favorite band. It's my favorite song so far.]

[Joyride, Suicidal Treason]

[+]I have to swallow my pride [+] I can’t purge my pain [+] Let’s take a joyride [+] Speed down Suicidal Lane [+] Consuming all my dollar bills [+] I get unnecessary chills [+] All I can do is play a while [+] Let all the karma pile [+] SPEEDING DOWN AWAY FROM RIGHT [+] STILL TOO FAR FROM WRONG [+] I’D PULL ASIDE [+] IF ONLY I WASN’T DEPRIVED [+] I CONTINUE WITH THE THRONG [+] I’VE GOT TO BURN WHAT I HAVE [+] AND FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING [+] I WAS TOLD I WAS TODAY’S LAUGH [+] I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO JOIN THE RING [+] I ran over my lost but loving heart [+] Such an unwanted waste [+] While I leave a trail of bleeding art [+] And blood is all I taste [+] Maybe I should make a u-turn on Redemption Drive [+] But all I do is speed [+] And all I crave for is to survive [+] But I consume all the ways in greed [ ++ ] How can you travel on an invisible map [+] That leads you to nowhere [+] Leading to another lonely trap [+] I’ve got not time to spare [+] So let the wheels move faster [+] And speed into disaster [ ++ ] I devoured what was left of my pride [+] I’m forced to swallow my pain [+] Let’s take a joyride down Suicidal Lane[+]

Dear Reader,

If you read the following, please do not convert anything for your own twisted use. Do not show pity or disgust... If you are mature enough to read through this with understanding and open minds, I'll be happy to reveal more to you in private messages...

--

I realized, that no matter where I go, I attract sorrow and grief... The most depressing thought is that... the sorrow is always masked with pleasure and love... Truth and Care. I've made so many mistakes that I now know what to do. I can't fall in love anymore... I'll try not to, yet I still love. (I'm not giving anything else to that)

When I love, I submit my entire self to those people. I give them my whole, attention, care, love, and everything that goes with such devotion. 

Then, things get into the way. There is something I protect from people. When I find someone I really trust and care about, I know they have the right to know. So I tell them, and I wait for an answer. Mostly, the real person comes forth and I can no longer forgive myself for hurting them... Yet, they don't care if they scar me. 

People come up to me... Because I intrigue them? I'm pretty? "You're cool"? I feel as if I'm just an actor, waiting for fans to storm in. I wait for someone to come in and ask questions about a person they think I am; yet I don't know whom that person is. People who think they know me surround me, and they don't. I'm surrounded by emptiness.

During my life, I've met many types of people:

1. There are people who are secluded. They never want to open up and never want to share the need to be cared for. When threatened, they take the blow without a word. When real help arrives, they mistake it for hurt as if everything is just a hell waiting to be opened.

2. There are people who deny everything. They deny hate when it is too late... And they deny love when it is true. People tell them certain things that are completely true and full proof, yet they don't hear it. They believe whatever they want to.

3. Some people out there are very open... (In the wrong way.) They trust whomever comes their way, spilling every emotion and desire to someone they barely know. The feeling of loneliness is so strong; they need to relieve themselves from it.

4. And there are those people who are all of that. They are secluded when they know that it is useless for sure. There are times where they open themselves to someone they love. There are times when they feel the stroke of being lonely, and they open up everything when the time is right...

I've met all kinds of people, yet they have to fall into one of these categories. I, myself, am the fourth one. I have those qualities and it hurts me more in every way possible... I'm sorry if I wasted your time... Maybe I did, yet... You were the one who wanted to read this.

I thought that maybe I could love, and in the beginning... I was always right... And all those who know me and started a relation with me... I warned you I did... I told people that I had things that would disappoint you... You still Accepted... I have secretes that kill me to sickness... You still Accepted. I am so emotional and depressed most of the time... You still Accepted. I am not perfect... You still Accepted...

"If you start anything with me... What comes with me, is sorrow and depression..."

You took my hand...

And gave it back...

I am grounded because I had broken my mother's trust. It was heartbreaking to have her strike me across the face here and there. I cannot really explain... People think it is because I cybered or had sex or something... Heh, well think what you will. I realized that I don't have to put up with rumors anymore. And somehow... I don't have to put up with these people. I have reached the top of the mountain that I was talking about. I have reached the peak and it is a glorious view instead of a breat tearing sight with jagged rocks at the bottom. I understand that I have hurt people, but one of the friends that I have... She loves me, and truly does. She knows how I want to be treated because she pays attention... calls and smiles at me in a way that does not make me feel like a freak. I can breathe when I'm with here. I can be myself, and we can talk about anything. She tells me that I should stop caring for other people and start caring for myself. I am already forgiven from my sins... and my other... "people" here are not really understanding me... They never do. I gave up the internet for them. (Ask Wil... She knows)... I wanted to be more in tune with my friends here... so that as they thought... "The internet is your life now..." You want to know why? You never really hung out with me... because I was an outcast.. But it doesn't matter now... It never will matter. So I'll just say this... I tried for you all... but I'm still being rejected... Instead of being respectful... you all give me harsh words... Talk behind my back, and hurt me... Well I'm done caring for what you all feel if you never cared for how I feel... I never regret anything, yet I regret what I don't do. So I'm taking the few friends I have and make new ones. This is my Revelation, and my corners are building once more... I want to start over... I want to help myself now... Thank you Wilmarie... I love you so much... You -are- my guardian angel...

[Band: Deathly Perfect
Song: Suicidal Treason

Stop hoping that things will be okay
everything is ruined through decay
start crying and cutting wrists
indulge yourself in painful bliss

Stop wanting them to come back to life
why love someone who holds the knife
start shrieking out your fears
until there's no more salt in your tears

They don't care when you slowly bleed
"You're the last thing we'll ever need"
Why do you even bother to stay
When they don't need you any way

Why can't you let it go
Why can't you leave them here
Salvation waits for you
Why can't you give in

From bloodied lips she responds
From fairest sins she does love
her words took her life
with every thrust of the knife

"I may have sinned
I may have fallen
I may not stop them
but I still love them"
]

Today, memories ran through my mind. The glimpses that only took seconds to play were slowly eating away at my soul. Tears that stung my childhood dreams started to fountain once more. I could not help but sob into Drogen's arms. He was always there, to hold me and smile. I was blind to think that I did not love him, for with each passing second he was there loving me and I him. There was a bond that could never be broken... and yet... it could never be united. Seams of unseeing regret started to fall apart. When truth starts to beat down your door, it all seems to come to place again. Maybe if I just let the knife dig a home into me. As I type, I cry. How could I let myself into the lies that slowly pried my heart open. No one has proven their love like Drogen... and yet it hurts to say this, but it is the truth...

Everyday I come home with a frown on my face. Everyday I slide a blade across my wrists. People think I'm not emotional, or depressed. They always see the mask that I place on myself every morning. Someone once told me that he hated emotional people. He hated them because they were so depressed when their parents were still together, in a nice environment, food, and friends... But that's not it is it? That's not why I'm sad. I have both parents, friends, education, food... And possibly more than any other person. Everytime I try to breathe, it chokes my body. I can barely move at times. I thought that maybe people online would be great to meet... Maybe I could start fresh... But when I entered, it was exactly the reality that bore me.

When I arrive at my home, I directly come to the computer... I try to smile at all my friends that I have met and act wise to those who need a teaching. When I smile on the chat... I'm doing the exact opposite... Crying at the keyboard. I cry black everytime... When I'm at school, it's the same thing... No one can ever see through me. Everytime I see Drogen, I greet him with the greatest smile. He always looks at me sternly... His eyes searching into mine...

["What is wrong?" Drogen's voice was hard and commanding.

"What are you talking about?" I try to even the tone of my voice out for him.

"Don't lie to me..." His voice cracked with hurt. The sound of it made my eyes tear... My smile still permanent.

"Michelle..." He started to cry... His body contorted in pain as he kneeled at my feet. I felt Drogen's warm arms wrap around my waist as he embraced me with his tears.

"Don't ever smile like that!"

My eyes grew wide as he yelled out. The pounding of my heart did not slow.

"It pains me to see you smile that way! It's so hollow and cold... There is no trace of you in there! I swear if you give me that fake smile again!... I swear it was death that smiled and took you..." He sobbed in my arms. I craddled him with my own tears...

Why did I smile this way... so that others can think of me as one of them... Why did I let the mask take control of me... When it actually hurt the one that really loved me...]

By: Suicidal Treason
Song: Bloody Princess

[No one wants to see her cry.
Turn away and leave her be.
No one cares if she slowly dies...
to black, she falls and leaves.


Never ends the falls so crimson.
Never ends the screams of pain.
Slowly fading out to gray.
Slowly fading out of boundary.


Deathly white and samely cold.
Shivering skin of the tattered bold.
Fold... her heart into pieces.


Rip out her soul and run.
Now that you raped her... now that you're done.
Kill yourself and rest with her.


Crimson Princess of the Darkest Hair.
Skin so fair... Cold as night.
Dreams of horror tears her fright.


Strip her of her dreams of gold...
Rape her of her tears...
Spoil her enough to make her silent...
Cut her enough to make blood spill...
Bruise her enough to kill...


No one wants to see her cry.
Turn away and leave her be.
No one cares if she slowly dies...
to black, she falls and leaves.]

Yesterday my heart broke into two... I could not believe that the ones that I tursted would hurt me so. I completely wanted to stay alive just for them... I guess I couldn't. I realized that I wasted my heart on some people that completely did not understand me. I do not know where to go anymore. I started to cut again and some friends of mine, you know who you are, actually called and comforted me. Jayni thank you for being there... Jamie, thank you for making me laugh again. Kize, I thank you for the hugs. Mike and Devin, thank you for calling. Ri I love when you listen and help me.

[I sat in front of the computer. I wanted the friendship it promised from my friends online. I wanted to feel the love that came from the people that could not physically come to me and embrace me tenderly. I turned to watch Angelique, James, and Drogen enter. 

I felt ashamed for tears streaked down my eyes, spoiling my make up. I sobbed...

"Why can't I be happy anymore?!?!"

They looked down at my wrists; the blood seemed to flow from my wounds... on the keyboard. I sat on my chair, my head turned to them. Angel tried to hold back her tears.

"WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING IT ANYMORE, ANGEL?!?! WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF?! WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF!!! WHEN I REALLY WANT TO NOW!" I kneeled at her feet, clawing at her. "Why?" I sobbed, ashamed...

James placed a hand to his mouth, holding back his hurt.

"James?! Tell me! Tell me I can die now!" My heart broke as all they fed me was silence. I shrieked, "TELL ME!!! DO YOU NOT WANT ME AS WELL?! LIKE THEY? Do you not love me?!?!"

James placed a hand on Angel's shoulder as she broke down into tears. He embraced her and cried with her.

My eyes hurt from staring at them... Why couldn't he hugged me like so?

I turned away, sobbing I grabbed for the knife.

I heard Angel gasp and try to shriek my name.

Arms wrapped around my arms, holding myself back from wounding my now bleeding wrists.

"Don't be foolish." Drogen's warm voice soothed my pain only slightly.

"You didn't do anything. You did not lie; you were truthful. You are always being yourself, never changing. Be proud to be who you are... We don't want you to die... There is so much for you."

"WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE?!?!?!" I sobbed into his arms, heart completely splintering as I realized his embrace was not real. " I cannot feel you, Drogen! What kind of body is this?!" I turned to face him, my eyes pleading.

His hand reached up to touch my face, only to fade into me... "What kind of body is this?" Tears started to stream down his eyes... "I cannot touch you, Michelle..."

I shook my head, sobbing. "I cannot touch them... spiritually... They are gone now... all I need... all I want is to go home now..."

Drogen looked sadly at me. I hear Angel break down sobbing entirely...

"The Gates of Heaven are closed to you."

My eyes widened... Tears stung my eyes. It hurt to cry...

"You cannot reach heaven, Michelle. Not until you realize what you have..."

"I have nothing."

"You have yourself... You can retrieve new friends, but when you loose yourself... you're gone."

I shook my head, pounding my fists on the floor. I watched as small specks of blood stained my parent's carpet. I whimpered, trying to wipe it off. Drogen took my hands by the wrist... and it did not hurt.

I shook my head once more, "The problem is, Drogen... I cannot stop loving them."

"Don't love sinners..."

"I love my friends..."

Angel gasped and started to hysterically cry into James... They faded from view, their wings fading to black.

Drogen held pain in his eyes, "If that's what you wish..."

"That's... what I want..."

He faded from me.

"I can't stop; I'm sorry, Drogen. I'd rather go to Hell then stop loving them."]

My tears rolled down my face... Valentine's Day? Dance? Why was I so caught up in it. It's not like I'll ever find a boyfriend that would actually love me as a lover. The dance... what was its purpose? 

Mascara bled down my cheeks; every tear stung. It was like being young again. I remembered the tears that would painfully pour from my eyes. It hurt me in the inside and out. I violently slammed my fists onto the keyboard. It was a miracle to me that my eyes or my hands did not bleed. 

I shrieked helplessly. I could not help it anymore. Everytime I was in despair, I would shove my feelings down into the deepest confines of my heart. Why did it hurt so badly? I just wanted to be loved...

[ A cold hand touched my shoulder gently. I shivered, my tears stopping. My eyes looked up and the eyes of silky blue stared back down at me. I whimpered as he picked me up into his arms.

"Ssshhh," his voice of the deep waves crashed over me. "I know... I told you, but you wouldn't listen."

I sobbed as he placed me down into the warmth of my bed. "I felt so ignored... so abandoned. No one calls me, writes... I feel as if I screwed everything!"

Drogen bent down to kiss my forehead, and he wrapped his arms around me. His touch was but a small weight upon me. My arms found their way to lock around his neck, so he was required to lean over on me.

"I am sorry," I whispered, my voice cracked softly.

"It isn't your fault. I have known you your whole life, and I cannot blame you."

"I have been wretched my whole life."

"Of course not," his voice was stern.

"Drogen... you know I am the most stubborn girl... and all I want is anything I can get my hands on. I am selfish and greedy!"

"You just want to be loved." Drogen's voice softened, and my breath was taken away once more by those caressing waves.

"Yes," I agreed sadly, crying into his chest. "H-how do you put up with me?"

"I answered that question a few years in the past..." Drogen's eyes were deep and dark with sadness and compassion.

I looked up at him directly; his hand wiped the tears away softly. "Why?"

"It's as simple as anything. I love you. You are rare and no man can tame you. Though I do not wish to tame you, I just want to set you free. I will never push you to do anything... I will never place guilt on you. I love you so much, Michelle. It doesn't hurt when you do not love me... though it hurts when you do not let me in. I want the world to be yours, if that is your wish of happiness. I want you to be able to smile without it being hollow..."

"Drogen..."

Today I looked up into the sky of the bluest skies. With joy I watched the sun kiss the creatures below it. The magnificent waves of light rushed over the street with such power, it was intoxicating. I smiled, and it shocked me for the smile was not hollow. I smiled almost happily, almost…

The shine of the sun brought a pain in my heart and a slight thunder in my head. I winced in pain, my smile instantly fading. How could I be experiencing pain on such a wonderful day? My line of vision was fading to gray, and the brilliance of the light that kissed my skin was vanishing. The warmth was leaving me slowly; I could not escape from the loss of life.

I watched neglectfully as all became still. My eyes watered as I saw people around me freeze with time. I watched sinfully, regretfully, as I noticed who these people were. They were the people I had helped all these years. The ones who needed an embrace or a reassuring thought. Why did they ignore me so? Did I not deserve something better? Or have I sinned so much to be reached out to?

I walked over to each person. The grass and asphalt of the road were eroding beneath my bare feet. My fingers started to trail along objects that were on my path. The streetlight started to melt against my fingertips. I whimpered as I staggered backwards. I yelled for help as I screamed out into the thick air.

Silence.

No one wanted to hear me… because I was so dramatic.

“That’s right, Michelle. Everyone thinks you’re an emotional bitch.”

I shrieked, “Stop it!”

“No one cares.”

Tears stung my eyes… the same tears that were never wiped away.

I emitted my unheard cries of help; my fingertips blindly went through the shapes of the people around me. Why could I not erode them like everything else? Why could I not touch them? Why could I not reach them?

Suddenly I reached the middle of the mass of people. I felt the tears stick against my hot skin. I furiously tried to wipe them away though it was useless…

I looked up to meet the eyes of raging blue.

“Michelle…”

My eyes widen with tears, though I held them in…

His hand reached up to touch my face. The instant I felt skin touch skin, everyone disappeared. Time began to move once more.

“Michelle…”

He repeated my name with such kindness, with such love.

The sun blazed down to kiss my face once more, the songs of gentle winds and birds started to play in my head… and the sky matched the mesmerizing eyes I looked into.

I watched as his fingers, that were brushing my face gently, start to chip. The skin of his hand started to shatter and leave to nothing. My heart started to race as I willed him to stop.

He did not pull back… away from the danger… away from me.

“No please, leave me!”

I desperately tried to move, though my legs would not carry me.

He shook his head; his hair of the darkest brown brushed against his chiseled cheekbones as he moved. His soft skinned hand took mine, and he placed it to his face.

His smile was warm as I sobbed. I watched slowly as my touch did not go through him for the first time… My fingers were slowly poisoning him. His veins were visible to my view. They burned with the blood that raged through them. I watched as my touch started to erode him… I watched as I slowly killed him.

“Cry for me,” he said sorrowfully.

I let more tears come from my eyes… The first time I let myself be seen by a man… The first time I cried…

He smiled lovingly at me.

His lips mouthed out a word… his last word.

The sun was bright and everything had life once more… Why was I not happy?

“Michelle…”

His third call for me… His last call for me…

My tears were clear as I collapsed to the floor beneath me.

My eyes tore open, tears trickling from my eyes.

I looked over at the window to my right… I frowned to myself as the sun streaked into my room…

“It was but a dream… an empty promise.”

I had a real conversation with a friend today. Yes, he was here, so do not pester me about it. I went outside to sob all my worries out to the silent world. This was so unusual to me. I was always complaining about the cold, and there I was... in the cold. I was too busy crying and staining the snow with my tears. The swing was filled with snow, yet I paid no heed to it. I knew no one would listen to me on ET or anywhere my internet "friends" lingered. So I ran outside... I did not want to go to my friends in real life... because I had felt so happy before, I do not want them to see me so weak. So I cried, and lest I knew it... He came...

[I started to sob, uncontrollably. My eyes were red with tire, and I wanted to rip them out.

The snow around me was freezing my body slowly. I did not even fight as I watched my bare skin turn white with death. I only paid attention to how my tears flowed, and it only made my tears overflow completely.

Hands of the warmest wrapped around me. I ceased my crying, holding it in suddenly. I choked them down as I looked up.

Eyes of clear blue oceans looked back at me. His eyes were so pure compared to the now gray sky of February.

“What are you doing without a coat?”

Wiping my eyes roughly, I shrugged.

His arms had left a coat around me. I looked over at him, and I noticed he had no other coat to protect himself.

I was about to hand it back to him, though he shook his head and smiled warmly. That smile was enough to warm me up, not the coat.

“What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t in your room so I found you out here, crying.”

“I was not crying.”

“Do not lie to me.”

I muttered darkly, pulling the coat around me tightly.

I looked over at him, sitting beside me on the bench.

His eyes looked sad and marked with worry, he spoke.

“So I heard what happened between you and that guy.”

“Yes, so?”

“Does it hurt.”

Does it look like it hurts… Do you see my damned tears?!

“No…”

“Liar.”

I laughed softly.

“It doesn’t seriously.”

…

“Has he seen you cry before?”

I looked at him, shocked.

“Excuse me?”

He spoke once more.

“Has he seen you cry?”

I nodded.

“In a world of darkened gray, linger on and never cry. Never let a man see your tears. Never let them wipe away the sins. Will yourself not to give in and give out. Will yourself to never scream. Tell yourself that he might not be the one. Tell yourself you cannot give yourself to him completely.”

“Why? I love him.”

“Did he say the same to you?”

“Yes, of course… because it is true.”

“Then where is he?”

“In my heart.”

“Silly girl.”

He ruffled my hair, smiling down at me weakly.

“You love him, really?”

I nodded as a smile spread across my lips.

“How much?”

His questions were drowning me.

“I have felt for him for so long. Though sometimes it sickens me that I cling so desperately to someone who doesn’t-.”

“Love you.”

He finished for me, and he was correct.

I hated it.

“So you admit it…”

Tears were about to streamed from my dark eyes.

“I just told everyone I loved him so… why does it hurt now that I look back.”

“Maybe you just need time away from men.”

“Away from him?”

“Yes.”

“Away from you?”

“…”

“Answer me.”

“I believe that I do not trouble you, hopefully.”

I shook my head solemnly.

“No…”

His smile faded.

“The men you have met have mostly treated you so awfully. I do not want to see you hurt again.”

“It is not their faults… It is mine.”

“Why do you pile upon yourself such descents?”

“I do not exactly know; maybe because it is true?”

My sarcasm made him flinch.

He spoke gently.

“You know it is not even your fault. Why?”

I looked away from his pleading eyes of blue.

“I want to imagine my lover as someone who is kind, never someone who is an evil.”

“Though, why?”

“Why do you need to know so much?”

He hesitated and only displayed it in his eyes.

“I love you.”

“You lie.”

“Why would I?”

“For men say that to me so many times... I know it is not tru-…”

He almost proved me wrong once more; I shut my mouth.

“Ah, so you understand my point. You have been hurt so much. I seriously care for you. I do not want you to be torn and tattered. You are so beautiful in mind; one such as you must be spared from all sins. Please, do not do anything dramatic, for one man.”

“You try to flatter me? It works slowly though not fully. I am still hurt. You do not help. Leave me.”

“Though why should I? Are you that naive? I know you too well to ignore your feelings. I may not be yours as you are not mine, though the notion that I love you still stands. I will never leave you. That is what you want is it not?”

How did he know? He continued.

“I have always known what you do when these men hurt you. You mourn in the confines of your room…”

His fingers encased a sliver of brown hair from my head. As he tucked away the tendril of silky hair, he kissed my forehead softly.

“I enter every time you cry. I always find you not noticing my actions… I find you shrieking in the corner of the dark. You desperately cry for someone to hold you like you have always wanted.”

He took me into his arms.

“I have been your friend for so long. We are like one… I hear your every cry. I try to help you through it, though you push me away. I am sorry to inform you, I will never let go of you.”

My eyes widen, filled with tears.

“That is what you want. Though you always hide your pain behind your eyes in public, I can still see the hurt, the loneliness.”

I sobbed, shaking in his arms. I was completely vulnerable.

“Why?! Why do you not save me…?!”

“I feel like taking photographs of you… keeping your face smiling for the rest of my life is the only thing I want. I want a smile from you that does not hide any regrets. I love you dearly, though do you love me?”

I nodded as if I was on automatic.

“Then smile for me.”

I shook my head vigorously, for I did not want to give in. I cannot share my pain.

“Ssshhh, relax. If you do not want to smile, do me another favor.”

I looked up into those sky blue eyes… The skies of the richest blue…

“Do you love me…”

I nodded my head once more, shaking in his strong arms.

“Never, let a man see you cry… unless you truly love him.”

Sadly, he proved me wrong once more…

I looked up at him, shoving every emotion down.

“Why?”

My voice cracked.

“The sign of tears in weakness… You never give your weakness to one you do not trust… love.”

I willed myself to place my mouth into a fine line. I nodded…and did not let myself cry.]

Why do I bother to keep living? What is really pulling me on? What is my motive. Seriously, every day I get more depressed. What it truly him who swore at me... who made me feel like a whore. What in the world am I going to do. My heart has broken once again, and I cannot handle it.  My tears overflow with every word... I am seriously just bored of this world... Bored out of my wits. What am I to do when everyone hates me?! What am I to say when there is nothing for me to speak of? How many lies must I go through, to realize... this isn't my time... This isn't my home.