All during this week, the All Girls Magnificat High School was lit up with excitement (for mostly the Freshman) about the hosting of the All Boys St. Edward's High School mixer, which is a dance that invites Magnificat. Of course, having being with no contact of boys in school, the girls of Magnificat were completely excited, asking everyone else if they were going.


I, for one, wanted to go with my friend Breanne. She had asked me to go with her. It turned out that both of us couldn't go because we had other plans to attend to. The mixer wasn't at all that important to me. I was a little upset that I couldn't have fun over the weekend, but it was nothing to complain over.

Today, December 2 of 2005... The P.A. Announcements were on. Our principal's words were fragmented over the speakers... She only did this when people had died, or there was bad news to be said. I was too worried that she was going to comment on the dress code, because I was wearing a low-cut shirt on dress-down day...but she didn't...

"Okay, girls, I have some important news to announce. Please, when I speak, I want everyone to keep full attention on the announcements. I will please ask that no one talks when I'm speaking... (There's a pause and no one speaks.) Thank you."

She starts talking about the group meetings going on for the day for about a few minutes.

"December 2 is supposed to be the anniversary of the death of four women in El Salvador." She takes a ragged breath. Her frail old voice cracking my heart into pieces. "Well, as of last night, I am sad to say that Alex (Last name, forgive me Lord for forgetting it), a Senior at St. Ed's just passed away. They said that he had... a chronic night disease, seizures... We assume that it was the cause of his death... So please, join me in prayer."

There is a silence. Everyone seems to be holding their breaths in the room. I felt the whole school still...

And in unison...

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our Holy Bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespassed against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil. Amen..."

Our prayer finish...

She speaks again... I did not quite catch the words, but I feel it meant this...

"My Lord, Our Father... Bring this soul to your Paradise. Soothe the suffering and the dying. Make us your light so that we may show the ways to another, comfort them as You do us... In the name of Jesus Christ, Your Son... Amen."

My voice wavered, soft and heartbroken. Thoughts of this young man dying... His mother, my God, what had become of her? Did she try to wake him to find him that way?! I can imagine her hurt, her pain, her tears....

The bell rings...

In the halls, classes, lunch... I am quieter. My friends sense it, watching me kick my locker every now and then. Ever-small detail of screwed up thoughts come to mind. I hear people gossip, people nag and curse... It makes me sick, wondering how they can do such things as if nothing ever happened. But I knew deep inside that I couldn't judge them, because I too knew that more than one person dies every day...

I'm getting angrier by the second, hearing girls only caring about the St. Ed's mixer. How can they be this way?! HOW CAN THEY BE SO SELFISH?! DAMN THEM! I was hating the school even more. I didn't belong here... I really didn't.

For prayer, the girls pray for the intention of the mixer... I pray for my friends, family... And Alex and his friends and family...

My friend Vikkie, tells me that the mixer was canceled. She's upset, she's one of "them". I love her and all, but she's not seeing the important side. I'm thankful that it was canceled... God wanted people to know... that they shouldn't have taken that death for granted... He wanted us to know that a damn dance wasn't as important as someone one’s life.

I get to the last class of the day. I look too depressed that everyone notices. When we pray, my voice cracks. I start to cry, but silently, so I wouldn't disrupt class... Why am I crying for someone I don't know?

Class ends.

In the hallway I hear two of my classmates start whispering about another girl. They obviously don't like her choice of religion, Wicca. I get furious. They judge her by her beliefs. I flame with anger; I had chosen that faith before... They shouldn't have said such things. I kick my locker as hard as I can, the pain nothing compared to the constriction around my heart. I have the urge to cry, but I keep it in.

Opening my locker, I lean forward against it.

"Are you alright, Michelle?"

I turn to see Megan O'meara looking at me, concerned. She was in my last class. She probably noticed my attitude too. She had always been nice to me, compassionate. I liked her, she was like me in a way. But the fact that she wasn't pretty enough, made her an outcast... With the girl Rebecca who the other two girls were gossiping about. They were friends, and I admired them.

I nod my head slowly, the way I do that makes everyone think I'm cool. But this time, I do it out of solemnest...
Suddenly as I rip my bag out of the locker, I hear my name being called out.

"Michelle! Michelle!--"

It's Breanne. She's smiling like usual.

I don't answer.

I keep packing my things. She stands next to me, waiting for an answer. I tell her simply, not wanting to be rude....

"I hate it here... I don't want to be here. I can't stand this place! All these girls are bitches!!!"

Breanne is silent, and my remark is so loud and filled with angst that the girl with the locker next to mine stays quiet too. I'm done packing.

Breanne, Lexi, and I go downstairs to wait for our bus. To make this part short: I stood out, alone in the snow for an hour. Sometimes, my friends would come out... but I insisted that they stay inside where it was heated. So they did...

I couldn't help to think about Alex, wondering what he wanted to do when he grew up... He'll never get to have a family... His job... Dreams? All that he's accomplished... I couldn't cry again; I won't let myself.

Everything felt slow, but I didn't seem to noticed. I liked the feeling of being alone for a few moments. It made me feel calm...

The bus comes an hour later. For that whole hour I'm in the freezing weather. When I get on the bus, matters don't get better. The St. Ed's boys who ride our bus start talking to the other girls about what happened.

Alec says, "Woah! Too bad the mixer was canceled, right?!" He said it in a way that made my blood boil, forgetting the feeling of freezing. He said it as if the dance was the most important thing in the world. I glared at him over my shoulder. How could he?!

He sees my glare, coming back with, "I know Michelle wanted to go." He's trying to cheer me up... I don't fall for it. He's an ass...

My CD player doesn't help me drown out the noise. Once, when I was changing songs... I hear something that makes it worse..

Breanne goes on about this girl who "doesn't shave her legs"....

I turn off my CD player and lean against the bus window in my seat. I sit on my legs, trying to see over the seats to watch them in the conversation... I know who're they're talking about... and it doesn't make me feel quite happy.

Lexi starts to answer, "OH I KNOW! Like, there's this girl who doesn't shave her legs, and her hair's like really really dark! It's disgusting!"

"Her names Megan O'meara..." Breanne says as if she's disgusted a bit.

I start to rage.  She was nice to me! SHE CARED! SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARED TO ASK HOW I WAS DOING! HOW CAN YOU ALL TALK ABOUT HER THIS WAY?!?! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!??! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ALL! YOU DISGUST ME!

Alec comes back with, "Does she have a Myspace?"

"I doubt it," Lexi says... She thinks that the girl they're talking about is inept. Lexi and Breanne, although I care for them, I want to hit them sometimes. They're not at all that far from the bitches in Magnificat.

"Is she a whore?" Alec asks.

"Ew!" Breanne exclaims, throwing her arms up in exaggeration. "That's one ugly whore if you ask me!!"

I feel like I'm going to explode. My two friends are doing this for attention, for conversation. I'm completely disgusted. Breanne takes a glimpse over at me and I roll my eyes in a way that tells her all she needs to know.

They drop the subject.

....

I finally take the five-minute walk down my road to my house. It's silent, the snow is fiercely blowing into my face. It seems colder than before. All these thoughts rush through my head...

No one out there is going to feel the way I feel.  No normal person cries for someone they don't know. No one is going to be as compassionate as me! No one will care like I do! I CARE!!! I CRY FOR EVERYONE!! I PRAY FOR THE SINNERS IN THIS WORLD!!!--BUT WHO WILL PRAY WITH ME?! I vow to this day, I SWEAR I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS DAY! I will only love one who is as compassionate as me... Who doesn't act like all those who were acting malicious today. I SWEAR ON IT, ALEX!!!

I suddenly feel alone, as if there is no one I can talk to. I feel secluded, like I don't belong on this Earth. I would have died in his place to save the suffering of his family...

I reach my door, waiting for Manang Stella to open it. I take one last look out onto my street, white envelopes everything with its beauty...

I'll go to your wake, and speak to your mother... I'll light a candle for you when I go to Church. I'll pray for your family and for your salvation, Alex...

I reach my hand out.

I cry for you, Alex...

I watch as a snowflake falls into my open palm, melting slowly...

The Angels cry for you today...

I Remember

Getting high meant swinging at the playground
“Sex” was a bad word
You promised to wait for your knight in shining armor
The worst thing you could get from boys were cooties
Mom was your hero and dad was the boy you were going to marry
Your worst enemies were your siblings
Race issues were on who ran the fastest
Blood was something you saw on accident
War was a card game
The only drug you knew of was cough medicine
Wearing skirts didn’t mean you were a slut
The only thing you smoked were the tires on your bike
The only thing that hurt were paper cuts
No one cared what everyone else thought about you
The only things that could be broken were your toys
Your best friends were your best friends
Your imagination was praised and accepted
No one cared if you were a different color
Cutting yourself was when you ran with scissors
The only thing you had to get through was the school day
Dying was a bad thing
Guns were invisible and used for ‘Cops and Robbers’
Labels where only on the lunches Mom packed
Lying was when you got a bad grade at school
Rumors were spread about the monster in your closet
The strongest drink you had was the warm milk that put you to sleep
No one cared if you didn’t wear makeup
Sleeping together meant falling asleep with your siblings on the couch at 12 AM
Backstabbing was what you did when sword fighting
Kissing was only acceptable when your parents said goodnight
Abuse was used in football
Dreams were only broken when you had nightmares
Crying was what you did when you were laughing
The news channel only mattered when school was canceled
Saying Goodbye only lasted for the night
Life was simple and care free
But what I remember the most, was wanting to grow up too fast


-x-Michelle-x- <3

The Temperance dips low in Her glory of astute age of bitter tasting wine. Her rays dimly shine in the shade blanket of the sky. My Queen, do you heed me so, of such a moment that shall come? Will my heart be torn in two?—like the halves of your face, as night, so white. You rejoice in your child, the azure gem of our realm. We destroy Mother Earth with our acid tears, our moans of betrayal, and our serene murderous hands. We display our home to you on a burning cross. Making you both bleed for us, we are content a little while longer. Still you watch, without a single sway of your silk majesty. The melancholy smile of the Virgin is plastered on your fair face. The clock ticks; I see the seasons change.  The branches of the Old reaching up to praise your serenity, yet you keep them at bay. All are lured to you, oh, symbol of romance, the tamer of the sea. You and I watch the leaves fall, withering in the frosting air. Silently, you move across the sky, waiting for a moment of peace. And as you turn to excuse yourself from our ardor, I am in depression. The darkness arrives in black velvet that rushes, claiming me as His own. Ice shrouds my core with poison that which deludes my mind. Relieve me, my Savoir, the light that I desire. For what is November without my ‘Mother’? Will you let the leaves and snow shadow me with their abhorrence? Never let them take me… for if I fall again into dismay, will I stop crying?—the salt continues to rust my eyes shut. My own hand holds the knife at my throat once more, and I am being washed away by those liquid crimson sins. Do not let them have me; never let them take me. The colors of fall décor the lawns of the Living, the heartbeats increasing with each breath. A tide of blood flooded through my veins as if it was yesterday it had spilled. If I reached out to you one more time, I know my blood will taint you again. As a child, I have watched you cry blood, please not for me, not for us. We deserve naught a tear from you. Yet I yearn to gaze into your face, I wonder if you shall ever answer my silent pleas of agony… Because it is October 30th, again, for the fifth time. Tomorrow, November will rise from his sleep to clutch me into the claws of my demise. I just wanted to know, if I mattered anymore.

Setsuna: "If what you say is true, then no one can blame you for hating us humans. But we weren't intentionally trying to hurt you. We believed we were doing the right thing... or at least the best we can. We never realized the harm we're doing to our own world. Our lives are spent not trying to destroy others, but desperately trying to survive. Look at us, crowded into our own matchbox-like little world. Seperated into good and bad according to the standards set by adults. Stripped of our wings and forced into compliance. Schools are supervised boiler factories... It's not like we have somthing to live for. And even those who do can't have everything we want. No, most don't even come close! We all suffer. We all hurt. We're all afraid. Some of us even die because we can't take it. The adults don't help... Never let anyone get close!-- that's the easiest wat to live. But we still have to go on living. So we shut our ears, entertain ourselves like crazy, and try to escape from our fears. Because we know how oppressive and cold reality can be. So, if I really were an angel who tried to destroy your race... I'd spend some time thinking about why I'm now a human. "

[It never made a difference, did it? No matter how much I cried, your eyes were always on her, only cried for her. I thought I could make you leave your lover, but you never knew me, knew the real heart of my feelings. I was but someone you crossed paths with at a game or at the market. Our encounters were always coincidence and never fortune. But I know why you cannot have affection for me; it’s because of her virtue isn’t it? She has that pure fruit that comes at the ripe age of womanhood. The child in her, displaying her face glowing with blissful ignorance, is what attracts you like a moth to flame. I never had that. I was a shell from birth to now, never smiling for the reason of love, growing old of the games they play, getting lonely because of they games they play. If I ever did give my heart and smile out of the fullness of my liking, I would have withered a moment thereafter. That content in both of you drives your feelings a rage, with the love that drowns you both. I’m nothing, just a fragment of your past that will be washed away with your future with her. I want to walk away and forget about you. But even if I leave your story to your own pleasing narrative, I cannot help but take a glimpse back and see if you are watching me leave. No matter how far I travel, how long the distance I place between us, your eyes are on her. 

“You don’t have to know who I am… I would rather leave without you knowing the pain in my eyes. Yet as today when I breathe for no purpose in life, you are still too busy knowing her.”]

!<Photo Manipulation>!

["Everyone says it is so hard to journey in this world expelled of the love from the closest to their feelings. But you, who know my soul so well, I'll tell you this, they don't know what love is. Love takes two people, and that is what we obtain. The love so sweet with bitter tasting fruit that shall bloom in only the darkness of our hearts. Yet sometimes, when you glance at me, the darkness fades. I am once again tolerable; I am once again accepted. You know of my mistakes and deepest thoughts. I know nothing of yours, yet your eyes reflect my sorrow. What is our passion?--but an emotion that flows with such malice. Even when I reach out, your hand does not touch mine. I cry your name, and your arms never wrap around me. What am I to you?-- but someone that is out of reach. Never far, but never touching. If I could, I'd sacrifice everything just for the feel of your skin. I'd cry in front of you, knowing that we have naught the power to bring our aching bodies together. But one day, I sobbed, thinking that maybe we would never be able to have anything with each other. You came to me, with arms spread extensively, a melancholy expression on your face. Had you always smiled, I would have probably thought of you horrible. Your truth and your serenity two of the many abilities that my heart yearned for. I never took that embrace, and yet you reached your hand out. "Close your eyes," you said. I did. "Give me your hand..." I reached out, there was nothing... Tears seeped through my closed eyes, flooding my face with salt. Then suddenly, fingers entwined with mine, the frost of surprise... The tenderness of your flesh. You pulled me towards you, and without a word, inclined your head and grazed your luxurious lips against mine. I opened my eyes... to find it all a delusion."] -x-Chelle-x-

[Burning Deluge]
[By: Suicidal Treason]

I’ll just watch the same routine: I’ll just watch you leave: Cause this is how it always was: And I was fool enough to think of it a phase: But I guess things never change: I guess things never were: But that’s just me right: This is just my fight: Because I never saw you ever step in: Because you always thought you could win: But this war is mine: And there’s nothing you can do: To make it yours: To make this yours: To make me yours: Yet, I once was: Everything you had: Or probably everything you made me think I was:

I guess I’m just ranting on: In this song…that won’t matter to you: No matter what I do: I’ll just be something that you picked up: Someone you never knew enough: I really don’t want this to end: No one could see behind my smile: No one knew anything for a while: I was just something hung: Against the wall for some: But I swear I’ll put that blade out: And cut up those pictures and shout: This isn’t me: This is someone else: Someone else playing me: Pretending to be me:

Take the salt from my tears: And bleed me dry of all my fears: Because I don’t think this is going to last: We’re going to fast: To catch our last breath: As we take our last fall: Into a void that was never there: I guess I’ll just expire: To my desire: That never made sense until now: Until I realized how this was: It stings: It burns: To have it hurt: The water that drowned me: The water that burned me: The rain that took me: Drifted to a crimson sea:

What happened to the lies: They were better spoken out loud then telling me the truth: I always thrived on your romance: But it was just a chance: To get what you wanted: To buy what you needed: I knew it was wrong to let you in: To let you up: To let you have: But I couldn’t help it: I wanted it too: I needed it forever: But it didn’t last, did it: We washed it down the drain: All that pain: Was sliding away: To a place that it could stay: But not forever: Just until: We stop washing away: The dirt and blood

This song won’t do: Not for you: Not for them: This is just another thing to claim me insane: But I’m pretty sure, that’s my goal: To make it all: Just a joke to you: To make it all: Just a story to you: Something that never made sense: Something that never made any thing: How can you care: when there isn't anyone there: When I’m just empty of my position: My body never my own volition: It was just a lie: To get us by: A box that never opened: A love never spoken: It was just the same thing to you: The same thing to you: You and I were never: You and I were never: You were never: I was never: There…

I’ll take that same burning wash: And make it last: Because that’s the only way I can survive these stains: The scars that won’t wash off me: The imperfections that won’t run themselves dry: That discolor that will never wash off: Describes me in ways I can’t even portray: But maybe that’s just the pouring rain: Trying to sing to me: Sing to me slowly: Rock me to sleep and leave me there: Because I need to wash out the blood and dirt: From the night it hurt: So much I couldn’t even cry anymore: But somehow this time, I know it’s for sure: I can’t turn back: But it’s the same reason as before: The same thing, that didn’t belong: In my heart that was never in one piece: So how can I write when there’s nothing to say:

So I sing without a reason: So I sing of treason: But you might never see this again: Because this is the last refrain: The story of a bleeding whore: The Legend of Nothing More: A murmur that was sung by A Broken Music Box: A small tale of something you can’t take back: You can’t ever have: Because this is the end: Of something that never began

Repunzel

I've been feeling like I've been locked in a tower. So high up that the air is getting thinner. It's being bitter to my lungs, clinging like ice does on the morning of the first winter day. I make myself pretty every morning, trying my hardest to make sure that there isn't a flaw on my skin. But that's impossible, I can't erase who I am and how I look. Even if my princes cannot examine every single curve and smooth features of my skin, I must make myself look presentable... maybe not for them... but for myself.

Sometimes, there are men down my tower, asking me to let my hair down. But I had clipped my wings and my hair all the same. There was nothing that I could do to let them up. I was concealed forever to be alone. So sooner or later, the men got bored of waiting. They were annoyed that I wouldn't come down, stopping their balads and poems for me.

So there I watched, leaning over my balcony to watch lovers pass me by. With their giggles and kisses scaring my heart, I watched as if frozen. The ice around my lungs crept into my heart, filling the deep spaces of darkness within me.

And, of course, I take a bit from my poisoned apple, sleeping away the rest of my days. I lay in my velvet bed, waiting for my prince to come through the thorns that grow around my heart.

There is no evil witch... No evil source. No dragon slay, but my own. And yet when I yearned to be my own independence, I was helplessly trying to grasp the hero of my tale.

But I am no princess, and no royalty lies with in me. I am but the girl who reads the stories she is told... I am the fool that lingers on the darkness that consumes me. I long for the moment I am saved. My Prince on the Black Horse, where are thou now? Free me from the thorns, free me from death and loneliness...

I wait for you, my love. I have no note of your face, but I know your heart. Find me, so that we may both be free of the horrors of the world. But like I said, I'm but a child, yearning for love... The child that sings...

"Someday... my Prince will come... Someday my Prince will come..."

[::Being In Love With Being In Love With You::]

You would always start our conversations with a question like “Why”: And with each one, it got harder to get by:I thought it would be easy:To tell you what I wanted to say:to say I loved you:But it wasn’t as simple to do:Because you had those dark eyes that made me freeze:Had those lips that begged to be pleased:Had that hair that made you innocent:And had that body that kept me spent:

You always thought that you weren’t perfect:But every time I fell for you, I didn’t regret it:So I’ll answer all your questions in this song for you:But I know there’s nothing I can do:To make it up to you:I know I can’t change your mind:But I hope this makes you completely mine


I never thought it would end up this way:You were always there to tell me it would be okay:I wasn’t prepared for what was to come:But you never regretted what we’d done:You always called me to see how things were:I always called to check on if I went too far:But you never regretted it:You never fought it:You just smiled at me with those ruby lips:And I never felt so blessed:To be with someone as perfect as you:And knowing no one else can do what you do:

[:::Chorus:::]

When you rushed out of my arms to help someone in need:When you spared your meals for someone to feed:I know this sounds real bad:For someone to fall for a girl like that:I thought what I wanted was a super model:That could show me all the things she knew:But instead what I got was you:And it was all I wanted:You were all I needed:Because you were my Goddess that had my praises:You were the woman that taught me what love is

[:::Chorus:::]

Then that’s when I knew:I’d give it all up for you:That’s when I knew:That all I wanted to do:Was to ask you this next line:That I hope would make you mine:That maybe next time:This wouldn’t be just a rhyme:Maybe I should hold off:Until we both grow up:But
I just want you to know:There isn’t anyone out there who knows:You more than I do:More than I do:You don’t have to answer now:But I hope you will soon:You don’t need to ask how:But let’s hope this doesn’t ruin:Don’t answer and don’t ask any questions, however:Let’s run away together

Everyone Who Cares to Care

I thought that if I let time pass me by, I wouldn't be its slave anymore. I wanted to much to feel like everything was going on like it normally did. I remember all the times that seemed to push me into an abyss of black and coldness. My heart had freezed over into eternal winter because of my past. Then I realized, that the reason my heart melted into a warm glow, was because of that past.

Time really wanted me to realize, that I took for granted my childhood. All the laughs and jokes; all the tears and language... It was all taken for granted.

I cried last night, knowing that... This was it. I could never go back. I crossed the line, and I was too far to turn back. I realised that I wanted nothing more than to turn back time and video tape all the moments I faced. All the sad and the happy. The boxes and boxes of notes, letters, pictures... The photo albums filled with pictures... They didn't capture the moments I wanted. I wanted EVERY single moment to be mine again... But I can't possibly go back, can I?

Today it hit me... Orientation at Avon High School. My friends are all telling me how great it was, how exited, how nervous. Why don't I feel that way? Why do I have to go to a different school that never held my heart like this one?

When I left, when it was for sure I wasn't coming back... The people that couldn't care less were missing me. They were hugging me, saying I was a good kid. Well...

If nothing bad is happening in my life so far, why do I feel so lousy? It's just like looking at the pictures I took of those moments... I can see the happiness... Recall all the words. The echoing sensations that had my heart feeling heavy... but I'll never be in their pictures anymore... I'll never be part of that circle. I'm out... for good.

I guess I have to wake up on Thursday... and realize it wasn't a dream... and face the reality that is my illusion.

Michelle

[Finally, a poem not created by Suicidal Treason, but I really think it should be. It's too beautiful, funcy words...XD Anyways... Here is how I feel...]

Lust

The aphrodisiac is making its way to a place that won’t complain
And it is hard to hide it at my disdain
The tongue inside my mouth is on auction for you
You alone know what it can do
The worthlessness is too far in between
With you I feel, oh so, filthy and clean
Continuously indulge myself in aberrant bliss
Savor in your bloody kiss
The kisses that I live for are too short to catch
The blazing passion is only yours to match
Mold your body roughly against mine
I am your sweet and corrupted wine
You slip into secret places uninvited
And you have the nerve to get me all excited
As much as I want to make you more than my friend
I know so well that it would be our end

[ Broken Music Box]
[By: Suicidal Treason]

It’s been a while since I’ve looked back at things: I couldn’t figure out how it pulled my strings: I just thought that maybe if I did what I was told: Everything would fade away and get old: But what happens when the music box breaks: And you try to tape it together and do whatever it takes: To keep it alive: To keep it right: Next to you when you sleep: Because it’s all that you can keep: It’s all that you don’t want to remember: It’s all that you can’t forget

[Nostalgia is My Paranoia]

Past feelings crept back today:Blood lost through Black Decay:Cuts and bruises were my own:Hurting myself alone:No one seems to listen:When you’re bent and broken:There’s no one who cares:Too caught up in their own affairs:Tell yourself to keep sinking:Start dreaming and stop thinking

The Whore of Your Bleeding Art
By: Suicidal Treason

Yesterday and this morning was the happiest day of my life. The sky was as blue as the eyes I yearned for. My heart was as light as the feeling I wanted. The people I was with... the most amazing people you could ever meet. I wanted so much to freeze-frame every moment. I wanted to record every laugh and every comment. The sun shone with the brightest rays. The lands glistened with the most beautiful liquid kisses. I was sin-free for over twenty four hours... Do you know how beautiful that is? Do you know how happy I was? I promised a friend that I would cry tears of joy... but before I could ever let a blissful tear go... My heart turned black as the void that I lusted for. I was heartbroken... and it wasn't insantly. It wasn't like before when you hit into something so fast and so hard and it hurt afterwards. This kind of hurt was something that was so slow. The most heart shattering moment freeze framed... The moment I didn't want to capture. Who ever knew that I could be happy, you know? I'm so grateful for the happiness I was given, or maybe I'm just saying this because I want to be rewarded for being so good... I'm so twisted aren't I?! I'm such a bitch for ever believing that I deserved this! This is a devil's paradise!--and I'm letting myself live in it! I am an undeserving whore... and a lot of people would agree... But why am I crying?...Why am I crying when it's all my fault... No one cares... No one ever reads these anyways... They think I'm screaming out for attention... but I never get it unless I threaten to leave or die. No one in this world loves me in the way I always wanted... -Whispers.- I just hope... that He does...It's weird... It's going to rain soon...-Bursts into tears, irl-

Pictures of Michelle

Damn straight! Be blinded by the black light! Shwoooo-w00t!

It's hard to stay alive because of al the things that happen around you...

Here's something from my life.

My parents:

I don't know where I'm coming from. I may sound selfish, but that's the result of almost fourteen years of damnation. Yeah, my life is a living hell, and I'm not joking either.

I'm the eldest of four kids. I'm the one that was born before the parentals ever got married. I'm the mistake... the "beauitful" mistake.

I always have to be perfect. I have to wear the right clothes, look the right way, speak the proper things, and do everything I'm told. Get good grades. Get good friends. Get a good life. Well fuck that.

I'm just a teenager and people are expecting me to be a like a freaking super star. I have good grades. I try to get good friends. I want to have a good life. I'm not perfect, and you can't expect me to be that way. It's never like that. You can't do that. That's fucked up.

I don't know why my parents always shove me with bullshit, saying that they love me. The only love they sport is the kind of love they -have- to have. As parents they are obligated to love their children. Their love is a privelage not a pleasure. I don't have the privelage; it's always on and off.

No matter how many times my other siblings go hay-wire... it doesn't matter. They can hit, annoy, scream, complain, cry, bad mouth who ever and whenever they fucking want. They always get away with it. When I say always, it's always. No joke. I know they're young, but the "parents" know that they should start teaching respect NOW so they can grow up to be better kids.

At first, I thought therapy would help. It's helping me but not them. And if they aren't helping... I'm not getting anywhere.

These are the small things that gets them hitting me, yelling at me, bitching at me, and involving me.

1. If I look at them wrong.
2. If I sigh.
3. If I even put my voice in a fucking tone louder or higher.
4. If I don't answer the first time.
5. If I don't do EVERYTHING I'm told.
6. If I embarass them with things that a true.
7. If I have a lower grade than an A.
8. If I have bad friends.
9. If I listen to music they don't like.
10. If I read things that aren't in their liking.
11. When I'm right...

You may think that they have to get mad at me if I push these 11 things too far right? Well yeah... but keep this in mind:

1. I get A's B's and Occasional C's.
2. I have mostly good friends, I'm determined not to be influenced the wrong way.
3. I don't do drugs.
4. I don't drink.
5. I don't do anything completely intolerably illegal.
6. I've never been kicked out of school.


[To be continued.]

My parents are yelling at me again...

~*~

Life isn't as easy as I thought it up to be. It leaves you bent and broken in places you can't even see. Sometimes you want to hold on to things that aren't really there... yet there are other things that are beyond blissful compare. There are things that trap you. They make you do things that you don't want to do. I don't know why I want to cling on to those things, but I love the ignorance it brings. Ignorance is bliss? Well I've had a lot to miss. I don't want to miss a moment. I don't want to miss an instant even if this lovely obsession turns into a rant. I've fallen in love with things here when at times, they aren't even clear. To me, imperfections are perfect and things that are truly considered beautiful is wrecked. I'm such a strange viewer of the world I live in. I'm a follower of God that continues to sin. I want more than ever to stop the lies and say my unending goodbyes. I thank the world that all of you love me... but I can't see how this can be... Farewell.

~*~

Kiss me kill me that is his way, wrap me in a blanket of decay. Keep me showered with attention that's gold into ways that are dead and old. Just close your eyes and keep your skin, so once more I won't let you in. They told me before that you were sweet, a heart always in sync a beat.
But blood poured from mine way too fast, a heart that was to weak to last. I'm guessing this won't even catch your eyes, yet this is how I'll say my goodbyes. Goodnight to all and to all a good night, so alone I can face my on going fight.