I cry because I know what I've done wrong, why he doesn't want me. I want it to eat me alive and just let me quietly die. Why am I this?

Girls make thier depression known, they make it romantic, full of lost love and hopless dreams. I guess I'm no diffrent. I can't help it. I'm not an angry person but I'm sick of being used, taking a sick little leasure in cutting my wrists in the shower and watching the blood tint the water pink as it swirls down the drain. I'm sick. An attention seeker, I want this feeling to consume me, to suck me in and spit me out. I want to run with my blood down the drain and forget everything except nothingness.
I want people to read what I say and understand, not hate. I don't really hate myself. I don't understand beauty, or why people tell me I'm cute but would be beautiful if I was skinny. I'd rather be ugly, I'd rather be me, and people like me for that. But wouldn't everyone? The track rules me. like a comfortable prison I don't think I could leave... I know it here, I know what to expect, I could change lives so easy before, but my resiliance is gone, I want to settle down, find someone who loves me and stay with them, grow old and die. I won't even pretend I think it will happen any more...But thats okay

my poems all sound so selfserving, I just don't know how to write them anyother way, most of these thoughts I have I haven't felt. I just watch people. I don't talk in person, I'm quiet, I observe. I'm fading in the background so fast- its nice. I don't want anything to be about me, but still all my poems start with "I"

I'm finally dating someone/living with them. I'm really confused though. I'm head over heals for this guy. I would do anything. But he doesn't feel for me... I mean. He alwasys talks about moveing. about leaving me. He never wants to hug or kiss me anymore. I miss how it used to be. But here I am. I finally understand how you could mourn love. And to any of you feminist types, I would leave. But I currently don't have a car, or job, own a race horse. I couldn't do anything without him. I would miss him to. I've never been with someone who loved horses. Even if its not as much as I do.

I don't know if I can give up those one or two times a week that he truly cares to be all alone again. I've given up so much of myself for him.

No one reads this but what the hell.
I finally got a job. Breakin baby horses and stable care. That puts me as head groom on a farm of 13 horses- most under the age of 4. Lol I love it.
Love it!

They ignored me. So sad. :(

PERFECTLY aware that I need to be on more. I have been drawing nonstop in my lack of computer. Dude, you should see my hands! All black from charcoals and pencils. Washed constantly but not getting any lighter. Haha.
Hopefully I can get a computer of my own again and be on constantly to torrment the few of you who continue to make the mistake of messaging me.
To all of you people, kudos for your bravery.

(I'm a born again atheist so stop messaging me about how I must find jesus- is he lost? You must be so worried.)

I’m so sorry.
Believe it or not.
I can’t take what I did back,
I can’t make it better,
But I tried.
I’m so sorry.
For all of my scars.
They hurt you more then me.
I can’t make them go away.
They don’t fade.
I’m so sorry,
That he hit you,
That I wasn’t there,
to take the blow.

Doesn't rhyme. There is no real poeticness to it. Its to my mom. She knows how much I love her, even if I can't rhyme when i apologize to her...

My diary ponders exsistance like I do. I also ponder why all these weird guys form obsessions with me then follow me around...and why these guys are always way older then me? ARG.

Should I leave my diary sad and empty? Probably. Who reads this stuff anywho?

my diary was sad and empty.
I really have nothing to say here.
I need a job.
I need a replacement Soulmate. Stupid Mandaas...