I'm sorry, you've always been so perfect, so everything not me. This is the thing thats seperated us. Your family was broken but still a family. Mine broke into ittybitty pieces and I'm so lost in the shards I don't know where I start. You are so intellegent, so beautiful. Where did I miss the sign up sheet to learn what you know? My family the sham, the Gypsies among the wealthy, how were we so close? It was so long ago, I latched onto you in hopes that some of your grace and talent would rub off on me. We shared the same intrests and talents, but your gift was so so much more then mine. I miss you everyday, and we haven't been so close for years. I became a disease to you. Your parents started saying I was too low class, my family not respectable enough. I just always hoped you'd feel diffrent, grow past all of that. You'll go to college and become a writer, get married and have kids, maybe have a horse or two. I'll ride at the track and clean stalls and earn a living dancing on tables.
Sometimes I think though, that when I drop my reins and run for the finish, will you be behind me, or infront of me? Or maybe, I hope, you'll match me stride for stride and we can finish the race like we started, equals.
The same song runs through my head,
the song that was playing,
when you said that thing you said.
I'm playing it on my stereo,
over and over...
its pounding out a beat to my heart,
over and over...
Curled up in my favorite chair,
listening to a song,
that doesn't ring "heartbreak"
but feeling it all the same.
The words are scratching across my mind,
and blasting in my ears,
so loud the people around
can surely hear.
The world rises up to meet me,
and my heart is finding the rythm...
over and over
I'm singing, over and over...
hungry
I will lose this weight! Eating is for the greedy! Should only be done to survive! Can't look at myself anymore! 6lbs gained in two weeks.... fucking fatass. arg....
I miss people. they keep leaving, never to be heard from again and I'm just being me but thy don't like me. My cover should never come off. I should always be who you want me to be.... ALWAYS. GAHHH!
Happy as a clam and I love you-know-who-y
Hope won't scare him off.
lol
:)
Hey draconis! Don't fucking dare pretend you ever loved me. Asshole.
I want you to look at me,
and see how ugly life can be.
I don't want to destory
your innocence.
Or crush these comfortable lies
you love
I just want you to see,
that all of these terrible things
are part of me...
-ugly
and I am, inside and out.
^^
MUAH! Hugs and kisses to you all. lol You are beautiful people. You kick ass, you have my respect. lol
I don't need your love.
I cry because I know what I've done wrong, why he doesn't want me. I want it to eat me alive and just let me quietly die. Why am I this?
Girls make thier depression known, they make it romantic, full of lost love and hopless dreams. I guess I'm no diffrent. I can't help it. I'm not an angry person but I'm sick of being used, taking a sick little leasure in cutting my wrists in the shower and watching the blood tint the water pink as it swirls down the drain. I'm sick. An attention seeker, I want this feeling to consume me, to suck me in and spit me out. I want to run with my blood down the drain and forget everything except nothingness.
I want people to read what I say and understand, not hate. I don't really hate myself. I don't understand beauty, or why people tell me I'm cute but would be beautiful if I was skinny. I'd rather be ugly, I'd rather be me, and people like me for that. But wouldn't everyone? The track rules me. like a comfortable prison I don't think I could leave... I know it here, I know what to expect, I could change lives so easy before, but my resiliance is gone, I want to settle down, find someone who loves me and stay with them, grow old and die. I won't even pretend I think it will happen any more...But thats okay
my poems all sound so selfserving, I just don't know how to write them anyother way, most of these thoughts I have I haven't felt. I just watch people. I don't talk in person, I'm quiet, I observe. I'm fading in the background so fast- its nice. I don't want anything to be about me, but still all my poems start with "I"
I'm finally dating someone/living with them. I'm really confused though. I'm head over heals for this guy. I would do anything. But he doesn't feel for me... I mean. He alwasys talks about moveing. about leaving me. He never wants to hug or kiss me anymore. I miss how it used to be. But here I am. I finally understand how you could mourn love. And to any of you feminist types, I would leave. But I currently don't have a car, or job, own a race horse. I couldn't do anything without him. I would miss him to. I've never been with someone who loved horses. Even if its not as much as I do.
I don't know if I can give up those one or two times a week that he truly cares to be all alone again. I've given up so much of myself for him.
No one reads this but what the hell.
I finally got a job. Breakin baby horses and stable care. That puts me as head groom on a farm of 13 horses- most under the age of 4. Lol I love it.
Love it!
They ignored me. So sad. :(
PERFECTLY aware that I need to be on more. I have been drawing nonstop in my lack of computer. Dude, you should see my hands! All black from charcoals and pencils. Washed constantly but not getting any lighter. Haha.
Hopefully I can get a computer of my own again and be on constantly to torrment the few of you who continue to make the mistake of messaging me.
To all of you people, kudos for your bravery.
(I'm a born again atheist so stop messaging me about how I must find jesus- is he lost? You must be so worried.)