It feels as if there's a great weight crushing my very being. I am in a state of renewal but it's difficult and I don't like it so far. I want to NOT do this. I want it to be all the same again.

But it was my decision to do this. So it's all my fault. I made the changes, I have to deal with the consequences. But................. the consequences SUCK. And there seems to be no benefits in sight.

*Sighs*

Fuck...

Restless, unsure, confused, doubtful.

These are all the things that become me right now. 

I've got nothing that's completed. Any thoughts that I have that may be important are like tattered pieces of a map, unreadable before they can be of any help.

I want to go out and fix what it is that I have undone, but I can't fix it. There's nothing to fix. Because the same problem will happen over and over and over and over again. I will remain who I am. It's not a problem I can fix.

Is it really?

Does it matter?

I don't know whether it's just me or if it's a mood I have to ride out. If it was it's an awfully powerful one and one that is lasting quite a while. 

Today on Days of Our Lives, whatsername had sex and now she's bleeding from the VaGiNi. Sorry, Mom is in love with soap opera's.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I am in a state of terrible energy. A great and destructive force is welling up inside of me. I'm ready to unleash it upon anything. Kind of like numbness. I don't know though and that's the part that's killing me.

Killing me.

Kill me.

Make me unalive.

The anti-establishment of Life, Death. Welcome to the threshold.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

FUCK YOU TOO!

FUCK YOU ALL!

Except Mira.

And everyone else that's reading this. I don't mean to say FUCK YOU to everybody. Kind of in a state of anti-emotion.

Though there are two that are huge thoughts, dominating one half of my thinking each.

One is of my feeling's for Mira. My feeling's for her are........... incredibly huge. Magnanimous in proportion. So huge that I'm scared. Scared of what will be the product of my affection's. Will it turn out that I'm screwed............. or is it something more. If she never, ever, ever reciprocates the feeling and it never goes anywhere, I'm fine with that. I'm expecting it actually. It's the other part that I'm afraid of. What if she likes me back? Which she seems to so far.... I'm TERRIFIED. Terrified of her, terrified of everything that can become of her. I'm scared for her as well....... If she's happy I'm happy. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. Ever. In the rest of her lifetime. She can turn out to be a cruel, cruel bastard and kill babies, do animal testing for horrible experiments, burn down churches or torture people and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen for her. The only thing she could do that is unforgivable really is hurt tree's. Then.... then I'd be upset for a very, very, very long time and probably stop being upset about it on my death bed where I can go back to being amongst the forest like I'm supposed to be. I feel awkward in this man formed body. Limbs, bodily functions... All strange. EMOTIONS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT I'M ENJOYING! And the phycological aspect of the human mind. It's interesting. Exploring I mean. To explore my mind is spectacular. 

The other half, no... I lie. It's not a half. It's a tiny bit of thinking devoted to this part. The other tiny bit that's devoted to the other things in life are............................... 

Okay I lied again. Mira is dominating my entire thinking.

Stupid me.

She'll most likely hate me. Although she probably won't. I just think she is. She doesn't really seem capable of hating I think...................................... Oh well. 

That's my fate as I predict it.

I'm debating whether to come out to my mom about me being MOSTLY gay. *Laughs nervously in head*

Fuck.

If I tell her, she'll be cool with it and all but she'll be anoying about it as she always 's annoying. Such as puberty. She's STILL going about it wrong.

If I tell her that I'm bisexual............

There will be questions.

Questions I don't want to answer.

If I don't tell her I will still live a secret life filled with me kissing and possibly dating girl's. Although I doubt it.

There is one person that I would happily date and that is Mira. Even if she lives 6 hours away and such.

I'd still go. I'd sleep in the woods or something. I don't know.

*Doesn't care at this point*

Hell, I'd live with my worse nightmare *Thinks of her and shudders*. I won't go into that. She may be watching.

*Sits down and contemplates life*

Life is such a wonderful thing. Life without knowing love would have been horrible.

I am so glad that I've loved on numerous occassions.

Even...................... the guy in the place with the thing.

Even Amanda, although she still haunts me....

I've decided the sexiest person ever (Aside from Audrey Hepburn, *Worships her quietly*) is Mira. Growl.

She is beautiful beyond comparison and back again and then away. Lackaday.

She's lovely.

Sexy.

Muffin-like.

Sexy, sexy muffin.

MMMMMM.

A'course, being me, I believe I have no chance.

She seems to be implying otherwise.

*Shoots a gun, pops some bubbly and dances*

It's so great being inside my mind sometimes.

I was going to write a poem but I fell asleep.

FUUUCK!

She always does this.

It's always an emotional leaking and horrible feelings when I talk to her. She dragged me down into the very pinnacle of depression on so many occassions with just a look or a sound.

Yet I love her.

And she's right in all the wrong ways.

I am... fucked.

Has anyone with a single glance and a smile made colors brighter, outlook less bleak, world more beautiful?

Well, a look and a smile is not quite what has happened but it's close enough. The effect is still amazing.

This is what Mira has done for me. 

She has captured not only my imagination (Which she has done quite thoroughly) but my heart. It ebbs and swells with utter happiness when she's around.

I love her very much.

Love,
Roxxy

Undescribable feelings of magic.

Fuck you...

I fucked it up.

I fucked it up big time.

I am so stupid...

My heart feels like it's shards of broken glass.

It's a bit on the emo side but I'm allowed to be.

I don't know what to do about anything.

I'm very confused.

I am forced to stay away from the people that I cherish since the power is being cut-off until late. This means you, Mira, Julie, Blake, Alex...

This is especially stressful since I just did a confession thingy and it's going to drive me crazy thinking of it.

I wish... I wish for everything to work out right.

This is going to be a hard day.

I hope I make it through alright.

People are so interesting once they loosen up and trust each other. There is so much knowledge and inspiration and hope and memory that you can learn from a single person's life.

Even though the popular teenage saying is 'Don't Categorize Me, I'm an Individual' *Laughs wildly at the notion*, I for one try to analyze and put into a statistic or a stereotype, and I still am, but even if you are one of the masses that have the same problem, every case is different because it's hundreds of different people that react in different ways each time. Because of the tiniest thing, the outlook is different.

I'd like to think that I'm apart from the mold. I've been working so hard to make myself someone that will be proud presenting myself to the world, which I am, which I hide... I choose characteristics that I value the most and hone them down to a precise art. I've changed so much... I like to think of myself as honorable of intention and deed. I just want to make people happy because when they are the happiest, you get to know the most about them. Plus they value you on a different scale rather than just the crying shoulder.

Fascinating I tell you.

I completely forgot what I wanted to write in here.

Oh yeah, I'm practically eating my chaptstick cause my lip is split and dry.

Ow.

That is all.

I have decided that being nice to people is totally unrewarding.

I choose the prettiest of people to try and pursue as friend's. I automatically think (Possibly because of my habit of making main character's beautiful inside and out) that because the outside is beautiful that the inside will be too.

There are too few of them.

Or possibly it's because the inside, which could be beautiful, is distrorted and wrong. Something has manipulated it into hiding. I wish people weren't so afraid to show their beauty. It would make me feel a lot better.

I tend to attract the people that see me inside and out unintentionally. When I pursue something, it turns out wrong. They turn out wrong.

I have figured it out! In my past life, I was a tree. I dun know what kind of tree yet but I think I really was.

I have a strange connection to the forest. I can't watch nature programs on the clear-cutting of forests or the devastation of the rain forest.

It makes me so sad.

A friend of mine after I told her about my connection said that in past lives if you're truly a nice person, then you are re-encarnated as a tree. I wonder if that's true.

I hope I was a tree.

I hope I will be a tree again.

It makes sense though.

I cannot explain it at the moment.

I dun feel like it.

Let's just say that all indications point to yes.

Gah! Why do I have todo this always?

I commit myself to a wrong goal. To THE wrong goal really.

I am so sad...

*Clutches head sadly*

I am so twisted up inside. No, I dun mean my intestines are tangled. I mean that I have severe affections.

Severe I tell you.

So severe that I feel like begging money off of people or hitch-hiking or something.

Being...... dangerous.

Of course I'd carry with me my giant blade of death which I love immensely. I even had it sharpened for use.

I'm vair sad. Not depressed, just sullen I suppose.

I am frustrated with people.

I attract the attentions of the unwanted and am not noticed by those I am attracted to.

Except in certain cases, such as you Blake, if you're reading this.

There is something wrong with people.

I've realised as I have countless time and again that people are morons. Absolute morons.

Not in the sense that they are dumb, it the choices they make.

The interactions that they do.

Absolute idiots I tell you.

If you're a moron and you're reading this, improve yourself will you?

YAAY! My diary is sad and empty. I've been trying to make it so all day. That makes me happy all over. 

I've been told I'm gifted in the tongue department. And before all you perverts jump in and scream, I mean linguistically.

I am quite the linguist.

Yes. It makes me happy all over. Like right here... *Plays with belly button*.

Mmm.... my fascination as of late and still will be for who knows how long is such a spectacular example of the beauty of genetics. And for you religious types, God. She is, as she always has been, fantastic. A Poem of Flesh.

Beautiful words describing beauty beyond comparison that has been molded into a human being. 

On a lighter note....

I oft lay wond'ring at night what my fate shall be. There are so many choices, decisions, to be made that will decide my future. Such as, if I run off after high school, leaving all former ties behind, and travel the world as a nameless face and then end up settling down to become uber bohemian chick. Or joining the circus.... I would love to follow around Cirque de Sole as a circus roadie. Contortionists are so very cool. I could very well end up being a wife and mother by the time I'm thirty *Feels horror*. With luck, that won't happen.

I am Roxxy, I am very lucky.

Hmm, my name does not seem to fit here on Elftown anymore. I have become Tok in my own right. *Feels immense pleasure*.

My one desire right now is to go and see the object of my affection. My heart's desire. My inspiration. And for some reason it is in Oregon. How lucky for me. ^^

I need a car and money for gas. Anything beyond that and I don't care. I dun care if I have to walk half-way. It would all be worth it in the end. I dun care if I have to sleep in a gutter or anything. I really dun care.

Would you?

No. No you wouldn't.