This is a sad experirement. Ever since I've taken down my picture and posted some intellectual CRAP I've had more people that are truly interesting messaging me than ever before. I dun mind. I just wonder if they would find me as interesting if they could see my face. I seem to attract a lot of people with my whit but not physical appearance. Strange...


Oh well! It doesn't matter though 'cause I have discovered the cure for insomnia. At least mine and other's at least. Warm bodies. IE, a cuddly kitten thingy, a teddy-bear, your sexy best friend.... *Grins*. I need a GIRL. Not sexually at all. I am the most perverted person in the world (Intelligent people often are) but just a girl. Someone to hold hands with, kiss, hug, love up on. *Grins*. I don't want a girlfriend quite because with that it's an established relationship not much unlike the one I just got out of awhile ago, but my type of romance. My type of lovin'. My type of loving is awesome. I could dazzle you with descriptions of my fantasies and this is not said out of vanity but truth. I have a huge vocabulary and a gift for twisting words.

I love my brain.

Not my face.

I need to find my love of love's.

I remember the only girlfriend I had paid somebody to write a letter to dump me. I had a crush on that girl for about two years. FINALLY I got to do the one thing I wanted. It was terribly exciting. I was ecstatic. All my friend's knew and were excited for me. Unfortunately, so did hers and they ridiculed her to no end. So she paid someone to dump me.


Greeeeaat.

But then there's memories of people like Leslie, my magical crush. My first real revealings of my gay side. We would play in her grandfather's orchard, eating fresh fruit and playing games. She took me to see my first movie friend to friend and introduced me to music. Then at the orchard, we played prince and princess (I was the prince) and we got married, then had to have sex cause that's what married couples do. Made me take my shirt off, hug her real tight and kiss her. That... that was exciting. We would hang out in this big enclosed area for her grandfather's birthday and eat coffee cake. To this day she was the only one who was able to get me to try something. Without fuss. For awhile I thought she was murdered and raped but it turns out I had misheard. 


I think I'm in love with that girl.

I love being gay.

I need to look her up. 

Why the fuck am I so uninteresting? I could be the most fascinating person in your entire LIFE and you would pas me over. For shame I tell you. For shame. Some day, I'm going to be an influential person and THEN you'll fucking see. My voice is going to resonate throughout the halls and touch young people's minds.

But they'll ignore it, as you are now.

I want to crack open your skull and eat the contents. In olden day lore and stuff in some cannabalistic tribe, you were supposed to gain their strength, their soul really, when you ate the brain of your enemy.

If it weren't so illegal I'd do something similar without the eatng part.

I should make my own fucking society and then maybe I'd be happy too.

I think this rant just changed my life.

I owe it all to SLC Punks.

That movie has so much truth to it if you just look.

I should become a philosopher.

*Sweeps up huge pile of floor lint and lies in it contemplatively*

I need to undo the damange that I have done but I don't know that there is anything to be undone. I'm very scared right now. Fear wells up inside of me like bile. 

Fuck..........

I can't think right now. No thoughts, aside from Mira, are in my head. I feel a great void. The only reason I'm thinking of Mira so much is because it's the only thought I'm capable of. I'm serious. Nothing other than that IS PASSING THROUGH MY FUCKING HEAD! It's static noise, all bits of something but there is no whole thought. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the worst I've felt in such a long time. All those other times I could think. I could think clearly. Now.............

Now I can't do anything.

It feels as if there's a great weight crushing my very being. I am in a state of renewal but it's difficult and I don't like it so far. I want to NOT do this. I want it to be all the same again.

But it was my decision to do this. So it's all my fault. I made the changes, I have to deal with the consequences. But................. the consequences SUCK. And there seems to be no benefits in sight.

*Sighs*

Fuck...

Restless, unsure, confused, doubtful.

These are all the things that become me right now. 

I've got nothing that's completed. Any thoughts that I have that may be important are like tattered pieces of a map, unreadable before they can be of any help.

I want to go out and fix what it is that I have undone, but I can't fix it. There's nothing to fix. Because the same problem will happen over and over and over and over again. I will remain who I am. It's not a problem I can fix.

Is it really?

Does it matter?

I don't know whether it's just me or if it's a mood I have to ride out. If it was it's an awfully powerful one and one that is lasting quite a while. 

Today on Days of Our Lives, whatsername had sex and now she's bleeding from the VaGiNi. Sorry, Mom is in love with soap opera's.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I am in a state of terrible energy. A great and destructive force is welling up inside of me. I'm ready to unleash it upon anything. Kind of like numbness. I don't know though and that's the part that's killing me.

Killing me.

Kill me.

Make me unalive.

The anti-establishment of Life, Death. Welcome to the threshold.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

FUCK YOU TOO!

FUCK YOU ALL!

Except Mira.

And everyone else that's reading this. I don't mean to say FUCK YOU to everybody. Kind of in a state of anti-emotion.

Though there are two that are huge thoughts, dominating one half of my thinking each.

One is of my feeling's for Mira. My feeling's for her are........... incredibly huge. Magnanimous in proportion. So huge that I'm scared. Scared of what will be the product of my affection's. Will it turn out that I'm screwed............. or is it something more. If she never, ever, ever reciprocates the feeling and it never goes anywhere, I'm fine with that. I'm expecting it actually. It's the other part that I'm afraid of. What if she likes me back? Which she seems to so far.... I'm TERRIFIED. Terrified of her, terrified of everything that can become of her. I'm scared for her as well....... If she's happy I'm happy. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. Ever. In the rest of her lifetime. She can turn out to be a cruel, cruel bastard and kill babies, do animal testing for horrible experiments, burn down churches or torture people and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen for her. The only thing she could do that is unforgivable really is hurt tree's. Then.... then I'd be upset for a very, very, very long time and probably stop being upset about it on my death bed where I can go back to being amongst the forest like I'm supposed to be. I feel awkward in this man formed body. Limbs, bodily functions... All strange. EMOTIONS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT I'M ENJOYING! And the phycological aspect of the human mind. It's interesting. Exploring I mean. To explore my mind is spectacular. 

The other half, no... I lie. It's not a half. It's a tiny bit of thinking devoted to this part. The other tiny bit that's devoted to the other things in life are............................... 

Okay I lied again. Mira is dominating my entire thinking.

Stupid me.

She'll most likely hate me. Although she probably won't. I just think she is. She doesn't really seem capable of hating I think...................................... Oh well. 

That's my fate as I predict it.

I'm debating whether to come out to my mom about me being MOSTLY gay. *Laughs nervously in head*

Fuck.

If I tell her, she'll be cool with it and all but she'll be anoying about it as she always 's annoying. Such as puberty. She's STILL going about it wrong.

If I tell her that I'm bisexual............

There will be questions.

Questions I don't want to answer.

If I don't tell her I will still live a secret life filled with me kissing and possibly dating girl's. Although I doubt it.

There is one person that I would happily date and that is Mira. Even if she lives 6 hours away and such.

I'd still go. I'd sleep in the woods or something. I don't know.

*Doesn't care at this point*

Hell, I'd live with my worse nightmare *Thinks of her and shudders*. I won't go into that. She may be watching.

*Sits down and contemplates life*

Life is such a wonderful thing. Life without knowing love would have been horrible.

I am so glad that I've loved on numerous occassions.

Even...................... the guy in the place with the thing.

Even Amanda, although she still haunts me....

I've decided the sexiest person ever (Aside from Audrey Hepburn, *Worships her quietly*) is Mira. Growl.

She is beautiful beyond comparison and back again and then away. Lackaday.

She's lovely.

Sexy.

Muffin-like.

Sexy, sexy muffin.

MMMMMM.

A'course, being me, I believe I have no chance.

She seems to be implying otherwise.

*Shoots a gun, pops some bubbly and dances*

It's so great being inside my mind sometimes.

I was going to write a poem but I fell asleep.

FUUUCK!

She always does this.

It's always an emotional leaking and horrible feelings when I talk to her. She dragged me down into the very pinnacle of depression on so many occassions with just a look or a sound.

Yet I love her.

And she's right in all the wrong ways.

I am... fucked.

Has anyone with a single glance and a smile made colors brighter, outlook less bleak, world more beautiful?

Well, a look and a smile is not quite what has happened but it's close enough. The effect is still amazing.

This is what Mira has done for me. 

She has captured not only my imagination (Which she has done quite thoroughly) but my heart. It ebbs and swells with utter happiness when she's around.

I love her very much.

Love,
Roxxy

Undescribable feelings of magic.

Fuck you...

I fucked it up.

I fucked it up big time.

I am so stupid...

My heart feels like it's shards of broken glass.

It's a bit on the emo side but I'm allowed to be.

I don't know what to do about anything.

I'm very confused.

I am forced to stay away from the people that I cherish since the power is being cut-off until late. This means you, Mira, Julie, Blake, Alex...

This is especially stressful since I just did a confession thingy and it's going to drive me crazy thinking of it.

I wish... I wish for everything to work out right.

This is going to be a hard day.

I hope I make it through alright.

People are so interesting once they loosen up and trust each other. There is so much knowledge and inspiration and hope and memory that you can learn from a single person's life.

Even though the popular teenage saying is 'Don't Categorize Me, I'm an Individual' *Laughs wildly at the notion*, I for one try to analyze and put into a statistic or a stereotype, and I still am, but even if you are one of the masses that have the same problem, every case is different because it's hundreds of different people that react in different ways each time. Because of the tiniest thing, the outlook is different.

I'd like to think that I'm apart from the mold. I've been working so hard to make myself someone that will be proud presenting myself to the world, which I am, which I hide... I choose characteristics that I value the most and hone them down to a precise art. I've changed so much... I like to think of myself as honorable of intention and deed. I just want to make people happy because when they are the happiest, you get to know the most about them. Plus they value you on a different scale rather than just the crying shoulder.

Fascinating I tell you.

I completely forgot what I wanted to write in here.

Oh yeah, I'm practically eating my chaptstick cause my lip is split and dry.

Ow.

That is all.

I have decided that being nice to people is totally unrewarding.

I choose the prettiest of people to try and pursue as friend's. I automatically think (Possibly because of my habit of making main character's beautiful inside and out) that because the outside is beautiful that the inside will be too.

There are too few of them.

Or possibly it's because the inside, which could be beautiful, is distrorted and wrong. Something has manipulated it into hiding. I wish people weren't so afraid to show their beauty. It would make me feel a lot better.

I tend to attract the people that see me inside and out unintentionally. When I pursue something, it turns out wrong. They turn out wrong.

I have figured it out! In my past life, I was a tree. I dun know what kind of tree yet but I think I really was.

I have a strange connection to the forest. I can't watch nature programs on the clear-cutting of forests or the devastation of the rain forest.

It makes me so sad.

A friend of mine after I told her about my connection said that in past lives if you're truly a nice person, then you are re-encarnated as a tree. I wonder if that's true.

I hope I was a tree.

I hope I will be a tree again.

It makes sense though.

I cannot explain it at the moment.

I dun feel like it.

Let's just say that all indications point to yes.

Gah! Why do I have todo this always?

I commit myself to a wrong goal. To THE wrong goal really.

I am so sad...

*Clutches head sadly*

I am so twisted up inside. No, I dun mean my intestines are tangled. I mean that I have severe affections.

Severe I tell you.

So severe that I feel like begging money off of people or hitch-hiking or something.

Being...... dangerous.

Of course I'd carry with me my giant blade of death which I love immensely. I even had it sharpened for use.

I'm vair sad. Not depressed, just sullen I suppose.