I HAVE AN ENORMOUS CRUSH ON VICTORIA! I'M SO SCARED OF HER! DEAR GOD! 

When I finally get through the first nervous stages that I had experienced around women cooler than I, (Which took two years), they go ahead and start the touching, hair-playing contact. A whole different thing to deal with. Luckily I'm not such an idiot so I'm dealing with it rather well!

I HAVE AN ENORMOUS CRUSH ON VICTORIA! I'M SO SCARED OF HER! DEAR GOD!

She's like the pale, mentally disturbed version of Angelina Jolie, much more slender and sexy. GOD! DEAR FUCKING GOD! She's so fucking gorgeous... disturbed as hell but gorgeous. I made her happy today when she was going through one of her low swings and that made me feel good. And so I started talking to her and she I think finds me cute in "She's so bashful" kind of way. So she let me kiss her stomach!!!!!!! I got all blushy and I said, "Dear god you taste so good!" and she laughed. When I was leaving she ran up and hugged me in a "Noooo" type of way" and then I just kissed her on the neck lightly and she kissed my cheek! I have a big crush! Will it amount to anything? Knowing Victoria, no, but still!

For two years I have strived to be in drama. Not only does it mean I can act (My love of loves of loves) but it also means I am percieved differently in the eyes of the drama club. They claim to be all inclusive and all but they really aren't. Ever since I landed my part, or maybe it's because I've grown up and matured, or possibly only because they realise I've got a good head for drama, all of the members who gained status so quickly are caring for me. I have status with two annoying freshman boys, one of them named Rick who's in the play and came from a group home, and I am on good terms with them. I stick up for them. I keep the peace with them even if they're being annoying. Rick is a nice guy but already I can see the floundering of needing to be accepted. He doesn't really know how to interact with us so he tries real hard. I did the same thing. Is it because of his that I am more grounded, more open to them than my other drama colleagues? Simply because of years of experience and hard work, I am superior to them in my acting. I am even nicer than them. They have finally included me. Victoria was giving me suggestions, I told her my reasoning and that I had a handle on it and I think she actually respected me. Louise, my character, is a lot like me. I have developed her character this way. There's a lot of similarities between us. I mentioned to Victoria that Louise, like me, does not think of herself as very attractive in an off hand sort of way and suddenly Victoria hugged me. This has never happened before, why now? God...

Victoria and I are similar creatures even! She's different about she handles her things and all emotionally but we are very much alike, aside from the fact that she's gorgeous and therefore gets away with anything whereas I am not...

Which brings me to my next point! I recently read the play by which my name, Roxane, was derived. Cyrano de Beurgerac. Strangely enough, I have never really read the play before and once I did, I noticed uncanny similarities between this fictional Cyrano and my own life. He has a grotesquely enormous nose but has a gift for verse that would make any woman fall in love with him. He's daring, witty, intelligent beyond belief and unerringly brave. Unfortunately I am not quite like him in his honorable everything. BUT he has this cousin, Roxane, whom I am named after, whom he is madly in love with. She's the most beautiful of all women, most intelligent, most maddening. Of course with this I reference to my dearest Mira, whom I love beyond imagination. Me, the love sick Cyrano who has a grotesque feature of my own...  I became fast friends with Miranda over a certain exploit of mine. Cyrano became first known to his beloved after a great exploit. She is in love with the handsome Christian, a beautiful red-headed soldier. He is gorgeous beyond belief AND witty but only when it came to defending himself against other men. This is Marq (Almost completely!) and all. Marq is quite capable of himself but I am almost assured he does not have my gift of prose, or my monstrous grotesque features, making me Cyrano.

Christian is sent off to war as well as Cyrano (Who is quite capable of handling himself) is petitioned by Roxane to watch over him (This is like me communicating with Marq for Miranda because of her parents ban on the boy). Cyrano writes her twice a day, crosses enemy lines twice a day, pours his heart out twice a day under the name of Christian. Roxane comes out to see her love of loves because she has now fallen in love with not only his beauty but his soul. She no longer cares about his outwardly appearance. Christian realises this and implores Cyrano to tell Roxane his true feelings, but in the progress, Christian dies by the first bullet fired in the battle that was supposed to kill everyone but didn't. Roxane is grieved, blah blah blah.

About ten years later Roxane is STILL in mourning for Christian, carrying around the last letter Cyrano wrote that has his tears and Christian's blood on it. Cyrano has kept an exact date of coming to see her and is dirt poor, creating many many enemies. They are the best of friends. Though she still doesn't know of his great love for her.  On his way, Cyrano is hit in the head and is dying. He gets up, killing himself ever so slowly to visit her about five minutes past the exact time that he always came. She doesn't know about the head wound that is slowly draining his life away. He tells her the 'gazette' as he has every time. Then asks to see the letter, recites it to her, she realises that he, not Christian, is the one she loved but Cyrano is dying. So she loses the same love twice. Cyrano has a big thing of passing and then is dead. His happiness completely sucked from him to preserve his love's idea of her dead love.

I predict my fate with Mira will go something like this.

Mira is my Roxane. She really, really, really is. Oh dear god... *Has attack of massive jivvers*

Garrett doesn't belong with Alex... she's not right for him. For one thing, she's an idiot. Another, she probably has nasty STD's. I want him back so bad but I don't want him at all. He doesn't belong with her. He belongs with me. Indefinately. He is one of my soul mates. I have formed a bond with him that will never be broken. As long as he is still there, in my life, I can never move on completely. I don't care if he is officially dating Alex, he's mine, always had been, always will. I will do what I feel is appropriate. If she has a problem with that, she can take it up with Garrett. 

I always was pissed off at Garrett because he was sexually motivated about everything. I have since learned that except in certain cases, that is what teenage guys did. They had a boner, they thought about it, they tried to use it. I wasn't going to be the one used like that. I still won't. I refuse. Yet I still want him back. He made me feel cherished. He made me feel like the most delicate, fragile thing. No one can do that. Hell no. He is the only one. I love him. Do I want him back truly though?

I had a good time at my birthday party!!!!!! It was short though, too short. Fortunately we will be having a private party of sorts next week. *Beams*. I will not be sober... *Hrmhrms*.

I got nailed like a hundred time on the butt with water balloons because Garrett is a bitch. *Grins*. Then Aaron figured out I needed birthday spankings so Garrett picked me up and five different hands delivered the killing blow. I was in such a daze I hardly noticed. It was a struggle I tell you! Sixteen slaps right on the bum... Ouch. Then Garrett needed to get his kicks in so he just gave me one good one, very, very painful.... *Winces in memory* I couldn't sit down....

*Sighs happily* Good times, good times...

I have decided that I will throw the most FABULOUS parties in the modern world. Having them very personalized and on the small side but it'll be themed! 

Dog Days (This is all about leather and bondage and biting and pain and all, much fun but difficult to find people to go to it), The Spinsters Come Together, Gay Fabulous, Let's Go To Town and Knock Things Over, Let's Have Sex, Teenage Werewolf, We Smoke Weed, The Drunken Burbles...


All sorts of ideas.

And then of course there's the very secretive but not really California Sisterhood.

*Grins* I would tell you what goes on in those parties but tis a secret. You have to be a Sister to know.

I am Mistress Kinky-Fabulous... There's Aubrey too, Dr. Doctor and of course Chloe as Lady Mew.

I love having my head on my shoulders.

I just remembered my dream, it was sooo weird. My little sister and I rode bikes over a weird bridge and went into this house... there we found a mother-cat that was normal but she had about thirty to fifty kittens attempting to suckle. One of them was orange that had three tails (My favorite). Lara and I knew all of them would die if they couldn't eat so we collected all of them and put them in a basket nice and comfortable like and rode back over the bridge to go back to my mom's house, even though I knew my mom wouldn't let us keep them. They were about the size of my palm, all of them. Rather disfigured looking kittens I should say.

I love my friends but as Amanda knows how to pick men to love that will screw up somehow, I have the instinctual ability to become dependent upon someone who will walk all over me. Such as Amanda... Or Aubrey. Amanda, *pfft's*, is a joke... I can handle her, I understand it has to do with mental problems, blah blah blah. It hurts but not too much. It's forgiveable.

Aubrey though, Aubrey is sooo ignorant sometimes it's not funny. She is so absorbed in her little world of maturity and self-growth that she often misses out on an entire world of fun. It's like all she think about is turning thirty. She is so analytical and crytical of things around her, including myself... her tried and true best friend for years... 

The sad thing is she thinks she still knows me based upon her opinion that she got out of a phycology book. Aubrey is not a free thinker. She follows the word of others so much it's not funny. It's always a behavioral trait with her. The girl has no love left because there's always a chemical reaction involved.

*Laughs sadly*. When Aubrey told the first one of our friends I had broken up with Garrett because I thought I preffered women, Monique was like, "Awesome! I love dykes!" I am not dyke but still, it left me expecting a phone call. Me and Monique had never been close but of course Monique and Aubrey are... OF COURSE. Whenever I go over there, Monique invites Aubrey over for the night, I sit or sleep under the desk and I don't talk for the duration of the day or morning. No one makes a fucking effort to talk to me. This has happened around seven times already... Monique hesitantly asks me, "Hey why aren't you your usual talkative bubbly self?" I shrug and glare at the door. Aubrey knows whats going on and treats me like an immature child..

And they wonder why I go on the internet to talk to people, real people who fucking care...

I wish emotion could be accompanied by imagery implied by descriptual words. It would be so much better that way.

When the day comes that I do visit my lurve in wherever, I shall sleep in the streets, in the woods, under the stars. Never shall a roof cover me if I plan to sleep. I think.....

I want to live homeless for awhile. It'd be an interesting experience. I'd have fun with it. I'd be like the mysterious homeless love child girl, spreading mystery and love and such wherever I go.

It'd be sooooooooooooooo awesome! I would have such an experience with it. It'd teach me some street smarts and self-reliance and all. I'd be eckshited.

Fuck camping.

*Is a grinning happy fool*

Dear Miss Mira,

Come back to your Roxxy-Toks and we can do anything, be anything. I will walk to Oregon if you want me to.  I can hitch a ride. I love you so much and wait for any word from you sadly. Don't leave me without at least telling me what's happened of you. It's unfair. You know how much I care for you. I may be one of the exceptions that were worth it but I still am if you give me the chance. We still need to walk around Eugene and eat chocolate until we're sick and vomiting. Elope in Massachusettes. Go to college together even and become room mates. Whatever you want or need of me. I'm here. I'm waiting. I want it. I want to make you happy. I will follow you to the ends of the earth. One day I'll find you, there will be a moment of shock on my part, and then I'll devour you in kisses that would be memorable to Romeo and Juliet's. I don't want to waste them on anyone, they were meant for you Miss Mira. My soul is yours to keep. Please just once?

Love,

Roxxy

I'm so lonely without her! I miss her so much!

This could be any number of hers. I just want one to fucking awhile. Why am I such a fucking idiot? Am I that unplesant to talk to?

I'm not that bad... I don't think I am at least. Why does it hurt so much? Fuck. I wish someone would take time out of their lives and give me the appreciation I gave them. I just want my best friend back. I really do. She's GONE! Too busy with her goddamn boyfriend or school or too tired to talk or something.

Why is it that I always lose to a guy? This is another reason why I hate men. It's not because they themselves are bad, it's just their taking all the attention and time of my friend's away from me. I just want to spend time with them, watch a movie..... sit in silence staring at each other for fucks sake. Not even talk to each other. Be in the same vicinity for a couple days and interact as minimally as possible. I don't care! I just want someone who will do that!

why do i do this to myself i ask myself.

it's obvious isn't it.

hope, the one thing that did not escape pandora's box.

there's nothing in my box.

my poor empty box.

all alone.

nothing in it for me to look forward to.

there may be but how can i believe it???

i don't want to cry.

i really don't.

why do those hateful tears shed themselves anyway?

it's a painful sensation rather than an emotion.

i don't know what's going on.

i need to move out.

i wish my best friend had time for me.

there is no one else.

fuck.


i hate this. 

why?

i mourn the rest of my life for the pain it shall be to me.

it may turn out better who knows.

it sucks. i get an idea for something to hope for. something to look forward to. something to live for really. i pin all my hopes on it only for it to dissipate in blood and tears when it's taken away from me by my own hands. i am the only reason i'm unhappy. i know this. no one can help me. no one will help me. they may alleviate the pressure a bit but they can never just make me forget. why? because my need is not satisfied. i feel selfish, stupid, udesirable, lost, alone and horrily confused. 

I have been thinking much of late. Where is my soft warm body that I can devour in small kisses? Not near me that's where.

*Sighs*.

I miss Catlin, my homosexual lifemate. The guy was a gay god. I love that guy. Soooo cute. *Misses Catlin*. He made it real easy to be gay.

Another thing I hate, fucking MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just reading through this one kid's profile an' he's like, "Hee-ey! You don't want to fuck with me!".

Reasons why I can fuck with him and win:

1) This kid is 13 years old, which is an obvious

2) He has no intelligence to him whatsoever

3) I'm violent and can probably do more damage to the poor boy than he could to me. (Sighs, craving violence)

4) HE'S 13 YEARS OLD!

I hate nerds.

Academics.

Such and such.

Except for certain cases.  See, when acadamia consumes what you are, when you're trying sooooo hard to get those grades you lose sight of who you are. It's like an A+ defines you. A 4.0 means you've just got the best gee dern personality out there.

Fuck that shit.

I'd rather get average grades and let my personality and quirks shine out radiantly rather than make a grade my shining accomplishment.

My accomplishment is being me! I am a good person! I am proud of the girl I'm going to look back on! Yay for me! So what I'm not getting the best grades? I'll work my ass off for the grades I get. I'd be prouder to get a C than an A because then it means I was in my own state of mind. When I get A's, it means I was being an academic.

This is a sad experirement. Ever since I've taken down my picture and posted some intellectual CRAP I've had more people that are truly interesting messaging me than ever before. I dun mind. I just wonder if they would find me as interesting if they could see my face. I seem to attract a lot of people with my whit but not physical appearance. Strange...


Oh well! It doesn't matter though 'cause I have discovered the cure for insomnia. At least mine and other's at least. Warm bodies. IE, a cuddly kitten thingy, a teddy-bear, your sexy best friend.... *Grins*. I need a GIRL. Not sexually at all. I am the most perverted person in the world (Intelligent people often are) but just a girl. Someone to hold hands with, kiss, hug, love up on. *Grins*. I don't want a girlfriend quite because with that it's an established relationship not much unlike the one I just got out of awhile ago, but my type of romance. My type of lovin'. My type of loving is awesome. I could dazzle you with descriptions of my fantasies and this is not said out of vanity but truth. I have a huge vocabulary and a gift for twisting words.

I love my brain.

Not my face.

I need to find my love of love's.

I remember the only girlfriend I had paid somebody to write a letter to dump me. I had a crush on that girl for about two years. FINALLY I got to do the one thing I wanted. It was terribly exciting. I was ecstatic. All my friend's knew and were excited for me. Unfortunately, so did hers and they ridiculed her to no end. So she paid someone to dump me.


Greeeeaat.

But then there's memories of people like Leslie, my magical crush. My first real revealings of my gay side. We would play in her grandfather's orchard, eating fresh fruit and playing games. She took me to see my first movie friend to friend and introduced me to music. Then at the orchard, we played prince and princess (I was the prince) and we got married, then had to have sex cause that's what married couples do. Made me take my shirt off, hug her real tight and kiss her. That... that was exciting. We would hang out in this big enclosed area for her grandfather's birthday and eat coffee cake. To this day she was the only one who was able to get me to try something. Without fuss. For awhile I thought she was murdered and raped but it turns out I had misheard. 


I think I'm in love with that girl.

I love being gay.

I need to look her up. 

Why the fuck am I so uninteresting? I could be the most fascinating person in your entire LIFE and you would pas me over. For shame I tell you. For shame. Some day, I'm going to be an influential person and THEN you'll fucking see. My voice is going to resonate throughout the halls and touch young people's minds.

But they'll ignore it, as you are now.

I want to crack open your skull and eat the contents. In olden day lore and stuff in some cannabalistic tribe, you were supposed to gain their strength, their soul really, when you ate the brain of your enemy.

If it weren't so illegal I'd do something similar without the eatng part.

I should make my own fucking society and then maybe I'd be happy too.

I think this rant just changed my life.

I owe it all to SLC Punks.

That movie has so much truth to it if you just look.

I should become a philosopher.

*Sweeps up huge pile of floor lint and lies in it contemplatively*

I need to undo the damange that I have done but I don't know that there is anything to be undone. I'm very scared right now. Fear wells up inside of me like bile. 

Fuck..........

I can't think right now. No thoughts, aside from Mira, are in my head. I feel a great void. The only reason I'm thinking of Mira so much is because it's the only thought I'm capable of. I'm serious. Nothing other than that IS PASSING THROUGH MY FUCKING HEAD! It's static noise, all bits of something but there is no whole thought. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the worst I've felt in such a long time. All those other times I could think. I could think clearly. Now.............

Now I can't do anything.

It feels as if there's a great weight crushing my very being. I am in a state of renewal but it's difficult and I don't like it so far. I want to NOT do this. I want it to be all the same again.

But it was my decision to do this. So it's all my fault. I made the changes, I have to deal with the consequences. But................. the consequences SUCK. And there seems to be no benefits in sight.

*Sighs*

Fuck...