Memories and feelings conjured up that I didn't even think I had anymore. Emily.... so confusing. She is so beautiful and attractive and in some ways stupid but still. I've been in love with her forever. I look for the same feeling in others but find it not. Tragic it seems. I wish that she would just grow up, but the thing is, Emily has never known rejection or sorrow or pain. Somebody is always there to make it better, she nurses no old wounds. Temporary always, just like her feelings. I was left literally breathless and dizzy every time she came near me. My favorite sound in the whole world that filed me with absolute awe is her heartbeat... I remember her hands in mine and how soft they were. The merest touch sends me shivering. It's not fair...

I know I will most likely meet someone better suited to me that will do the same, but it seems like that day will never come. I dwell in insufferable silence.

Turns out though that I don't hate nearly as many people as I pretend to. Well... no, that's a lie. Because I do hate them, but unfortunately I also love them. It's much easier to love though. In so many ways, with my emotions at least, I am still a child, and I wonder if this is permanent or something I'll grow out of. 

Oh well, at least I can go around naked now and not feel self-conscious. That's right ladies and gentleman, not only is my body acceptable, it's attractive. So deal with it.

My head feels light.. I cannot think. I wish.. I wish I could just find someone to care about me. Who's top priority aside from family would be me. 

i remember the times when a symbol used to be happiness, a letter or a thought. with it i used to be taken to the stars away from life and thought. i remember when the same could bring me down to the depths of hell. my entire life was other people. i would never look inward, explore my feelings. i'd rather experience other peoples. because i wanted to be there for them so bad. i wanted them to need me. i needed them to need me. with gradual pain and realization, i realized that they didn't need me at all. they didn't need, nor wanted me. i wasn't anything to them. it hurt, being rejected so. i was lost and wrong and confused. then i started being concerned with myself. i thought it arrogance at first but then it turned to self-realization. i found myself and i found this girl, this person that was me, to be good. i am good. there's nothing wrong with me, no matter what i think they all think. so to everyone it thought wanted or needed me, it's okay, discard me, i have myself to think of you know. i won't sit and grovel in the dirt for you to pay your attentions to. by doing so, i've realized how much smarter i am than you. or in retrospect, how stupid you are. you're not smart at all, you're just stupid. all of them. with the exceptions of the people i've deemed as being intelligent. it doesn't mean that we're on some higher plane, it means that you're just stupid. you've been brainwashed and we haven't. we are elite from you. and because of this, we're rejected, made to feel unwanted. i must be really not brainwashed because i've been rejected a lot of times. too many times to count. from friends. from people i loved. it means i've resisted that secret message enough to know myself. what is the secret message, i wonder. have i heard it before? if so, then why did it not get me, like the others have?

Hi kids, my name's Foxy John and I like beer. Lookit behind you, it's a kinkajou! *Laughs radically*. I'm here to liberate your panties from their unholy opression. Free them, ladies, free them good! Let them run wild with boxer shorts, or if they prefer, other panties, and bask in the freedom of Commando.

*Laughs*

You all know what I say is true.

I am at a conflict of interests. That is, now there are two. Cynthia and Ladina. *Shrugs*.

The thing is, I've not felt such passionate emotions or flirtatious wants since Emily, with anyone, then I found Ladina. *Sighs*. I don't know. I have half dedicated myself to Cynthia but it's not going anywhere so is it wrong to suddenly have this profound big thing with Ladina? Would it be wrong? Cause while I really, really like Cynthia, I also really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like Ladina and also have someone lustful feelings that I suppress with a might unequaled except by the force of God. 

Shit.

What should I dooooo?

I feel betrayed. This is the first diary entry that I have posted here in such a long time, it almost feels painful. *Bites lip, thinking*

I have worked so hard to be apart of that goddamn school Golden Sierra in some way. I tried so hard. Yet I never felt welcome. This feeling was only added to when Dr. Keebler, our 'loving' 'gentle' principal denied my request to take classes as a concurrent student. She stated to my father that I was an antisocial child, rebellious, having difficulty accepting authority figures. Rude. Unkempt. I feel angered by her assumptions, but also, somewhere in the untouched emotions that I seem to have left behind, hurt. Very hurt. Again this hurt was worried by Dr. Keebler denying me to ride with my drama club to Lanea, the only place I seem to feel accepted at. A place I've known since I was small, a freshman. I never felt apart of that either but once at the college, I seemed to be in my element.  To see these people without social classes confining them, I felt relief. 

I will still be able to go but she has wedged another block between me and my club.

Play try-outs, I think I did a fair job. I was supposed to be cast in a good role. I know it still is, but I'm playing a man's role. I am still in the play, I should quit my grieving, but I still feel rejected. Some other unexperienced girl with the right look will be cast and I will sit back, watching our director nudge them along, and I will secretly hate them all. Because I don't look right.

Do you have any idea how much this hurts? I've worked so hard... I'm at a loss for the proper emotion, the proper word. 

I've never been apart of anything. I still feel this is so. Amongst my friends, amongst my club, in my school, amongst my family for godssakes...

What's wrong with me that everyone else can see? It must be something instinctual, something I can't see.

I seem to be an oddity, a display. Does anyone actually value me for anything? I'm weird, it's funny, I'm not. I attract people, yes, but not for the reasons I wish.

And some of my friends call me a bitch and tell me to go on being emo.

Wow, I really, really love my moose! It was sad when I thought he was gone but he's not so it's okay now.

I am sho shappy happy slappy moopie! I love kissing people, they are very good to kiss. Except Dan, but it's fun to 'Danify' someone for a lark. *Grins and wanders aboot*

TAI CHI IS THE SEXIEST MAN ON THE PLANET! I want to make out with him forever. He's absolutely the best kisser in the world. 

Victoria is the second sexiest woman. Well, I dunno. She has the sexiest bite I've ever experienced though. MMMM. Bleeding....

I am totally bi now.

What the hell is my problem?

I just want for someone to consider me on top of their list of people. For them to think of me as a one person. A one person is someone they put priority to everyone else.

Tht's what I do at least...

I be like animal.

I bite chu and leave marks if you come too near me.

I feel so crazy right now, I'm unsure of what I might do.

I get the feeling that people are becoming more absorbed in the people they care about more than any other friend in the world. Everyone. Everyone that had trouble with relationships suddenly does so great and I'm left sad and single.

Though it's not all bad.

I'm working very hard to stop this.

At least I have fun in life other than those other so called 'crazy' people. They wouldn't let someone lead them around by a leash with their crotch would they? I think not.

I have a big crush on Catlin!! I don't want to date him especially much, considering he's gay and all that, but he's so great! It's a crush-on-people type of crush.

I love Catlin!

He's my boyfriend! (Detect the irony here since we both prefer our own sexes rather than each other).

I want to take him to prom with me soo bad. That or Amanda. Tough choice.

THAT'S IT!!

I'm done with being shy, at least for now. If I have a reasonable chance of not getting slapped, I'm going to be my crazy self.

Licking people.

Biting.

Generally going wild.

*Grins hugely*

Halloween, if we can get the proper material (IE fur) and sew it on my jeans with a tail, I'm going to go as an uber sexy wolf-girl thing, tugged around by the lovely Amanda who will be my master for the night. Catlin and I will attack each other in random spurts of horny crazy things. 

I am going to have a costume this year or I'll kill someone.

What is a girl to do in such a predictimum?


The answer of course lies in the actual answer to the meaning of life. That is, 42.

Now the real question is, what is the Question?

*Sits and contemplates*

My tiny fragile mice-run human mind is far too simple to grasp such a complex thought.

Isn't it sad?

I certainly think so.

What the hell is wrong with this thing called love? I see this girl, and every time I do, my intelligent bits that might attract her into conversing with me go numb and I just have to desperately attempt to manipulate the stoopid bits into forming at least a half intelligent bit of speech but NOOOO. Dudn't work. I go all atrembloid.

This is perhaps because I'm a bisexual female (Who mainly prefers girls mind you) who is attracted to the most unavailable or the most straight.

Such as Miranda.

Or Sarah.



This would all be so much easier if I could just labotomise myself right now and live life blissfully free as one of the stoopid people. No more worries about anything. Nothing. Of course my conscious soul would be horrified and devastated. Inside, underneath all the lack of brain-waves, I would be crying constantly, hoping for someone to kill me.

That's what my conscious side does anyway. Why? I don't know. I try to ignore it. Tends to be quite irritating at times.

Like now.

Goddamnit.

Why can't everything just be fixed, just like that?


I can't believe I admitted that to Miranda.

Fucking hell.

*Points imaginary gun to head, cocks it and says, "Pow" while winking*

God, you know.....

God damnit.

My demons are out of the closet and they're still horrible. Still chasing me. The ugliest but prettiest to look at is love itself.

What a fucking bitch....

How fucking sad it is to be me. All these other people bitch on and on about their stupid little problems. I have issues and yet I won't talk about them, I'll listen to them CONSTANTLY and I tell them my romantic, I think acceptable feelings but they're really not acceptable at all. No one wants them.

I just want someone so bad to pour all of my love and emotion into. I want to make them glow, thereby making me glow in return. I love Mira so much. I wanted for it to be her so badly. I thought I had found someone that I could be really honest and thought provoking over and I still can but she has Marq and that's cool and all but that leaves me in friend status.

I remember there used to be times...........................

Now they are so gone. Blown up into tiny smitherines.  I'll still feel them but now I know they will lead me nowhere. I'll still be such a great friend.

I don't want to be a great friend to someone I love that much and in that way. I thought people would understand, listen to me and sympathize because they are in the same situation. They don't. I tell them my issues, they tell me theirs and it turns into we have so much in common and then I start feeling for them the way that I do (Which is basically pointing a pistol to my forehead and shooting) and they say, "No! I like this other person and I talked to you about them which is why we became such good friends." 

Then the bullet flies.

My love is spread all over the back wall in a gory mixture of blood and other bits that are indestinguishable.

I HAVE AN ENORMOUS CRUSH ON VICTORIA! I'M SO SCARED OF HER! DEAR GOD! 

When I finally get through the first nervous stages that I had experienced around women cooler than I, (Which took two years), they go ahead and start the touching, hair-playing contact. A whole different thing to deal with. Luckily I'm not such an idiot so I'm dealing with it rather well!

I HAVE AN ENORMOUS CRUSH ON VICTORIA! I'M SO SCARED OF HER! DEAR GOD!

She's like the pale, mentally disturbed version of Angelina Jolie, much more slender and sexy. GOD! DEAR FUCKING GOD! She's so fucking gorgeous... disturbed as hell but gorgeous. I made her happy today when she was going through one of her low swings and that made me feel good. And so I started talking to her and she I think finds me cute in "She's so bashful" kind of way. So she let me kiss her stomach!!!!!!! I got all blushy and I said, "Dear god you taste so good!" and she laughed. When I was leaving she ran up and hugged me in a "Noooo" type of way" and then I just kissed her on the neck lightly and she kissed my cheek! I have a big crush! Will it amount to anything? Knowing Victoria, no, but still!

For two years I have strived to be in drama. Not only does it mean I can act (My love of loves of loves) but it also means I am percieved differently in the eyes of the drama club. They claim to be all inclusive and all but they really aren't. Ever since I landed my part, or maybe it's because I've grown up and matured, or possibly only because they realise I've got a good head for drama, all of the members who gained status so quickly are caring for me. I have status with two annoying freshman boys, one of them named Rick who's in the play and came from a group home, and I am on good terms with them. I stick up for them. I keep the peace with them even if they're being annoying. Rick is a nice guy but already I can see the floundering of needing to be accepted. He doesn't really know how to interact with us so he tries real hard. I did the same thing. Is it because of his that I am more grounded, more open to them than my other drama colleagues? Simply because of years of experience and hard work, I am superior to them in my acting. I am even nicer than them. They have finally included me. Victoria was giving me suggestions, I told her my reasoning and that I had a handle on it and I think she actually respected me. Louise, my character, is a lot like me. I have developed her character this way. There's a lot of similarities between us. I mentioned to Victoria that Louise, like me, does not think of herself as very attractive in an off hand sort of way and suddenly Victoria hugged me. This has never happened before, why now? God...

Victoria and I are similar creatures even! She's different about she handles her things and all emotionally but we are very much alike, aside from the fact that she's gorgeous and therefore gets away with anything whereas I am not...

Which brings me to my next point! I recently read the play by which my name, Roxane, was derived. Cyrano de Beurgerac. Strangely enough, I have never really read the play before and once I did, I noticed uncanny similarities between this fictional Cyrano and my own life. He has a grotesquely enormous nose but has a gift for verse that would make any woman fall in love with him. He's daring, witty, intelligent beyond belief and unerringly brave. Unfortunately I am not quite like him in his honorable everything. BUT he has this cousin, Roxane, whom I am named after, whom he is madly in love with. She's the most beautiful of all women, most intelligent, most maddening. Of course with this I reference to my dearest Mira, whom I love beyond imagination. Me, the love sick Cyrano who has a grotesque feature of my own...  I became fast friends with Miranda over a certain exploit of mine. Cyrano became first known to his beloved after a great exploit. She is in love with the handsome Christian, a beautiful red-headed soldier. He is gorgeous beyond belief AND witty but only when it came to defending himself against other men. This is Marq (Almost completely!) and all. Marq is quite capable of himself but I am almost assured he does not have my gift of prose, or my monstrous grotesque features, making me Cyrano.

Christian is sent off to war as well as Cyrano (Who is quite capable of handling himself) is petitioned by Roxane to watch over him (This is like me communicating with Marq for Miranda because of her parents ban on the boy). Cyrano writes her twice a day, crosses enemy lines twice a day, pours his heart out twice a day under the name of Christian. Roxane comes out to see her love of loves because she has now fallen in love with not only his beauty but his soul. She no longer cares about his outwardly appearance. Christian realises this and implores Cyrano to tell Roxane his true feelings, but in the progress, Christian dies by the first bullet fired in the battle that was supposed to kill everyone but didn't. Roxane is grieved, blah blah blah.

About ten years later Roxane is STILL in mourning for Christian, carrying around the last letter Cyrano wrote that has his tears and Christian's blood on it. Cyrano has kept an exact date of coming to see her and is dirt poor, creating many many enemies. They are the best of friends. Though she still doesn't know of his great love for her.  On his way, Cyrano is hit in the head and is dying. He gets up, killing himself ever so slowly to visit her about five minutes past the exact time that he always came. She doesn't know about the head wound that is slowly draining his life away. He tells her the 'gazette' as he has every time. Then asks to see the letter, recites it to her, she realises that he, not Christian, is the one she loved but Cyrano is dying. So she loses the same love twice. Cyrano has a big thing of passing and then is dead. His happiness completely sucked from him to preserve his love's idea of her dead love.

I predict my fate with Mira will go something like this.

Mira is my Roxane. She really, really, really is. Oh dear god... *Has attack of massive jivvers*

Garrett doesn't belong with Alex... she's not right for him. For one thing, she's an idiot. Another, she probably has nasty STD's. I want him back so bad but I don't want him at all. He doesn't belong with her. He belongs with me. Indefinately. He is one of my soul mates. I have formed a bond with him that will never be broken. As long as he is still there, in my life, I can never move on completely. I don't care if he is officially dating Alex, he's mine, always had been, always will. I will do what I feel is appropriate. If she has a problem with that, she can take it up with Garrett. 

I always was pissed off at Garrett because he was sexually motivated about everything. I have since learned that except in certain cases, that is what teenage guys did. They had a boner, they thought about it, they tried to use it. I wasn't going to be the one used like that. I still won't. I refuse. Yet I still want him back. He made me feel cherished. He made me feel like the most delicate, fragile thing. No one can do that. Hell no. He is the only one. I love him. Do I want him back truly though?

I had a good time at my birthday party!!!!!! It was short though, too short. Fortunately we will be having a private party of sorts next week. *Beams*. I will not be sober... *Hrmhrms*.

I got nailed like a hundred time on the butt with water balloons because Garrett is a bitch. *Grins*. Then Aaron figured out I needed birthday spankings so Garrett picked me up and five different hands delivered the killing blow. I was in such a daze I hardly noticed. It was a struggle I tell you! Sixteen slaps right on the bum... Ouch. Then Garrett needed to get his kicks in so he just gave me one good one, very, very painful.... *Winces in memory* I couldn't sit down....

*Sighs happily* Good times, good times...

I have decided that I will throw the most FABULOUS parties in the modern world. Having them very personalized and on the small side but it'll be themed! 

Dog Days (This is all about leather and bondage and biting and pain and all, much fun but difficult to find people to go to it), The Spinsters Come Together, Gay Fabulous, Let's Go To Town and Knock Things Over, Let's Have Sex, Teenage Werewolf, We Smoke Weed, The Drunken Burbles...


All sorts of ideas.

And then of course there's the very secretive but not really California Sisterhood.

*Grins* I would tell you what goes on in those parties but tis a secret. You have to be a Sister to know.

I am Mistress Kinky-Fabulous... There's Aubrey too, Dr. Doctor and of course Chloe as Lady Mew.

I love having my head on my shoulders.

I just remembered my dream, it was sooo weird. My little sister and I rode bikes over a weird bridge and went into this house... there we found a mother-cat that was normal but she had about thirty to fifty kittens attempting to suckle. One of them was orange that had three tails (My favorite). Lara and I knew all of them would die if they couldn't eat so we collected all of them and put them in a basket nice and comfortable like and rode back over the bridge to go back to my mom's house, even though I knew my mom wouldn't let us keep them. They were about the size of my palm, all of them. Rather disfigured looking kittens I should say.

I love my friends but as Amanda knows how to pick men to love that will screw up somehow, I have the instinctual ability to become dependent upon someone who will walk all over me. Such as Amanda... Or Aubrey. Amanda, *pfft's*, is a joke... I can handle her, I understand it has to do with mental problems, blah blah blah. It hurts but not too much. It's forgiveable.

Aubrey though, Aubrey is sooo ignorant sometimes it's not funny. She is so absorbed in her little world of maturity and self-growth that she often misses out on an entire world of fun. It's like all she think about is turning thirty. She is so analytical and crytical of things around her, including myself... her tried and true best friend for years... 

The sad thing is she thinks she still knows me based upon her opinion that she got out of a phycology book. Aubrey is not a free thinker. She follows the word of others so much it's not funny. It's always a behavioral trait with her. The girl has no love left because there's always a chemical reaction involved.

*Laughs sadly*. When Aubrey told the first one of our friends I had broken up with Garrett because I thought I preffered women, Monique was like, "Awesome! I love dykes!" I am not dyke but still, it left me expecting a phone call. Me and Monique had never been close but of course Monique and Aubrey are... OF COURSE. Whenever I go over there, Monique invites Aubrey over for the night, I sit or sleep under the desk and I don't talk for the duration of the day or morning. No one makes a fucking effort to talk to me. This has happened around seven times already... Monique hesitantly asks me, "Hey why aren't you your usual talkative bubbly self?" I shrug and glare at the door. Aubrey knows whats going on and treats me like an immature child..

And they wonder why I go on the internet to talk to people, real people who fucking care...

I wish emotion could be accompanied by imagery implied by descriptual words. It would be so much better that way.

When the day comes that I do visit my lurve in wherever, I shall sleep in the streets, in the woods, under the stars. Never shall a roof cover me if I plan to sleep. I think.....

I want to live homeless for awhile. It'd be an interesting experience. I'd have fun with it. I'd be like the mysterious homeless love child girl, spreading mystery and love and such wherever I go.

It'd be sooooooooooooooo awesome! I would have such an experience with it. It'd teach me some street smarts and self-reliance and all. I'd be eckshited.

Fuck camping.

*Is a grinning happy fool*

Dear Miss Mira,

Come back to your Roxxy-Toks and we can do anything, be anything. I will walk to Oregon if you want me to.  I can hitch a ride. I love you so much and wait for any word from you sadly. Don't leave me without at least telling me what's happened of you. It's unfair. You know how much I care for you. I may be one of the exceptions that were worth it but I still am if you give me the chance. We still need to walk around Eugene and eat chocolate until we're sick and vomiting. Elope in Massachusettes. Go to college together even and become room mates. Whatever you want or need of me. I'm here. I'm waiting. I want it. I want to make you happy. I will follow you to the ends of the earth. One day I'll find you, there will be a moment of shock on my part, and then I'll devour you in kisses that would be memorable to Romeo and Juliet's. I don't want to waste them on anyone, they were meant for you Miss Mira. My soul is yours to keep. Please just once?

Love,

Roxxy