I strive to be the best person possible, truly I do, and I am walked all over... I have no one I can truly confide in (Aside from Hiawatha) that will listen. She may have judgements I don't like but she's got good intentions, which is more than I can say for some people. Actually, she's the only one with good intentions towards me sometimes. As much as I disagree with her, especially the fact that she's a good person truly, that her fucked up life has only created a thin outward shell, she's one of the only friends I have that will tell it to me without jaded eyes. 

I have been feeling especially stressed, lack of sleep, seeing first Emily and having another blow nail driven into my heart, then Garrett, and just knowing again and again that Garrett is not a good person at all. I love him to death and he's so cute, kind and good, but he's so fucked up. He doesn't want to even try and overcome it so he can't be the boy I want him to be. I have no desire to be with him at all, but to see him not caring about me like he used to crushes something inside of me, because all I did was care about Garrett. Garrett was my world, my life, for two years. I would do anything for him. I still would, to an extent, but now that he's got a girlfriend he's moved on. He can throw away two years for a good fuck. I know he cares about me, yes, but I've become something else to him. We lost our virginities to each other, he told me his secrets, his pleasures and his pains, and I told him mine, but now I'm just another girl. I have to mean something more to him than that, otherwise something more will die within my still heart. I am the only one who's remained monogomous, he has been the only person to ever touch me in the ways he did. And he threw it away. For Karen, his fuck buddy, for Sylvia, who he practically dated while we were still going out. His parents even knew what he was doing and they didn't do anything. I would stay home at night while I knew he was with her and feel agonized, just wanting him to call me, tell me he loves me because that's all I was thinking about. I was dedicated, I was true... He doesn't even know what he did to me, I was truly traumatized. I'm only now getting over it by myself. I try to tell him and he gets confused. He doesn't know how to grow up.


I don't even know myself anymore. Ever since I broke up with Garrett almost eight months ago, and I suddenly started going around being 'out'. Falling for Emily and having that bull shit happen. 

And no one understands. No one will listen. They just think it's easy. Not a single person around me understands the shit that I went through. They have their prejudices, their problems that they are more worried about. I can understand that, but I'm still the one sitting to listen to them, giving them counsel, trying to comfort them in times of need. 

I remember Emily said that she preferred me to her other friends because I sit and I listen to her, give her insightful comments. I do that to everyone. Everyone seems to prefer me to those other friends because I listen to them. And me? I prefer no one, because they're all mostly the same. The only person I have received the same loyalty from is Hiawatha. And I don't understand her at times and I get upset with her, but she's got a whole world of shit she had to deal with and I can forgive her for that. I actually want to be there for her, even if it at times seems like she's treating me badly. No one really understands her though, and I'm only starting to now.

And she seems to be the only one in my reality that seems to tell me anything that I truly appreciate. Everything else is just noise, because I can sense that note of untruthfullness. It's not that they don't mean it, it's just that they don't understand fully, and they don't try to. I don't understand why people really don't just care. It makes me upset. I see people who are 'best friends' and they don't even try to understand each other. They barely even know each other. How can people live like that? It's sickening.

I don't mean to be a bitch, I don't even mean to be condescending, I'm just trying to understand. But there are just too many bad people in the world, and the good people that you do find, are broken somehow, like Hiawatha. I don't care what anyone says, especially her, she's a good person and they can fuck off if they say otherwise. 

*Sighs*

If I had a perfect pink band-aid to heal the world, I would. If I had to give my life for it, I would. If it came down to me dying so that the ozone layer could magically be healed, I'd fucking do it. Not go out and kill people in the Middle-East for my country, because that's just another death. But truly unselfish sacrifice, that I would do.

*Sniffs* Coheed and Cambria can perfectly capture the moments that are unexplainable. 




 

I wish to write a love letter, but to whom it is unknown. I have no one to love really. I can, in a way, but not truly, because my love is not being received properly. Breaking it slightly.

I love Mira. She whom I've never met, has never phyically had contact with, not even through the mail. I can only imagine, yet I think I know her well. Or at least I hope so. She's a wonderful person and I don't think she experiences enough reenforcement of that fact. She's stuck in a stage that I was at, until I had other influences.

I love Amanda, jaded and confused as she may be, and I know she loves me too. We're both pig-headed as hell, stubborn, loyal, sensitive, and unlucky in love. She's one of my best friends. At times I've hated her, and yet she's always there for me, in her own way. We're both very similar, which I've never experienced really in anyone. Aside from the fact that she's wonderfully attractive to everyone and has this extrovert personality that she lies to everyone with. Except to me. I've always seen that inside part, in bits and pieces. 

I love Emily. She's so horribly naive and childish. Seriously, it's like being attracted to a twelve year old, but she's still so intriguing to me. The way she moves, the way she thinks, talks, acts. She has a certain exterior as well, but I see the inner part more. The adult part that has yet to emerge. She exudes an intense sexuality that turns me from reserved and well controlled to a panting moron. And when she's in my arms, it just feels so right. Like I would never ever let go if I could. With the slightest touch she can make me think about nothing but that touch, hoping against all hope that she'll touch me again... I'm addicted to her. Sad but true. She can bring out the most sensual parts of me without even looking at me.

I love Cynthia, but not like the others... more like someone I'd really like to get to know and help adjust to the world because right now in her world, she thinks it's just her, a secret to hide. I think she thinks that everyone is the same. God, she thinks just like a boy.... It's wonderful kissing the girl but she won't open up to me completely so there's something lagging.

I like two things right now mindlessly. Beer and Selma Hayek. I don't know why.

Beer, I don't even think about it. Alcohol, yes, I think about it a lot, not in good ways, but it's just like, "If I had a beer right now, I'd drink it." That's it. Not, "Damn I want to get drunk." Or, "Shit I'm so depressed I need a beer." Just, "A beer sounds yummy."

What the hell is it about beer? The one drink I used to avoid? I still think it tastes like cow piss (Or at least I'm imagining) and yet I want one. Beer makes you pee a lot, and I don't even care. I want a beer, and then afterwards, I'd wash my hands a lot with soap, giggling.

That would be the best thing in my life.

Selma Hayek, well, I just think she's hot.

I vomited three times Sunday. The first time partially through my nose.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I wish I could get ahold of Cynthia.

BEER! WHERE FOR ART THOU?

I LIKE BEER. Mmyes. Anyway, yeah... I've been going mad with the maddity lately, being cooped up in this house, not going outside, not talking to anyone, being suspicious of everything, so that's why I wish for Beer. If there is a god of alcohol out there, bring me beer and I will worship you to the end of my days. 

*Coughs*

Teehee....

I was supposed to go car shopping with my diddy Daddy today but he sleeps and avoids it and I sit like a lumpkin waiting. Pooh. I wish to get out today...

I feel sickness.

Well, let's see here, tis April the fifth. *Yawns* Well, well, well, I am back on the internet again and typing away, click click click tap. I am currently without any commitments except to school and a little get together that I am holding not next, but the one after that, as it is my friend's birthday. I cannot very well organize a party to the extent that I am hoping in less than a week now as well as my homework and such. Shit and fuck.

Right now I'm wearing the most beautiful Harley Quinn t-shirt that I have always loved. The girls of Batman were always the best, Ivy and Harley... wondrous.

I have a very bad problem with committing myself to completing the work I am supposed to do. It shouldn't be too hard, except that I find school (IE, being a good little student and researching my ass off without actually retaining anything, then showing it to my teacher so she could show it to other teachers that I am not a complete fuck up) to be horrible. It's got no point. Discussion, lectures, such as that, I would find fascinting. This bull shit, this bile they try and make me inhale, is pointless. Without point. Boring. Wasting tree's for fuck's sake. Half the time I'm off in my own little world, thinking about what the fuck it is with people that bothers me so much... so why the hell would I be worrying about my algebra? Algebra, I spit on it, I loathe it so... 

*Thinks*. People who put so much time into their looks are so worried about their clothes hanging right, the make-up not melting, the hair having enough gel in it, rarely have time to think.

That bothers me.

I've always wanted a brother, it seems, a male protector who can be my equal but also be safe, sexually. I really get intimidated by men, especially sexually, for various reasons. I want somebody safe and good... Someone without a dick basically. No dick, no harm. But I do find something so delicious about men, something that entices me so much. Perhaps I'm not as gay as everyone around me leads me to believe. Or perhaps that side of me is still a young girl, scared of her first kiss, while the part that enjoys men has already been there and found it... I don't know. I'm never sure of what to say after I'm about to reveal thoughts I'm not too solid on.

There is only one man who entices me out of my shield of "I Only Like Girls". That is you, Rane. Ah, my Rane, my darling.... If only you knew.

Of course, there is this nagging thing that I really find girls spectacularly attractive...

I shall never know soon I think.

Memories and feelings conjured up that I didn't even think I had anymore. Emily.... so confusing. She is so beautiful and attractive and in some ways stupid but still. I've been in love with her forever. I look for the same feeling in others but find it not. Tragic it seems. I wish that she would just grow up, but the thing is, Emily has never known rejection or sorrow or pain. Somebody is always there to make it better, she nurses no old wounds. Temporary always, just like her feelings. I was left literally breathless and dizzy every time she came near me. My favorite sound in the whole world that filed me with absolute awe is her heartbeat... I remember her hands in mine and how soft they were. The merest touch sends me shivering. It's not fair...

I know I will most likely meet someone better suited to me that will do the same, but it seems like that day will never come. I dwell in insufferable silence.

Turns out though that I don't hate nearly as many people as I pretend to. Well... no, that's a lie. Because I do hate them, but unfortunately I also love them. It's much easier to love though. In so many ways, with my emotions at least, I am still a child, and I wonder if this is permanent or something I'll grow out of. 

Oh well, at least I can go around naked now and not feel self-conscious. That's right ladies and gentleman, not only is my body acceptable, it's attractive. So deal with it.

My head feels light.. I cannot think. I wish.. I wish I could just find someone to care about me. Who's top priority aside from family would be me. 

i remember the times when a symbol used to be happiness, a letter or a thought. with it i used to be taken to the stars away from life and thought. i remember when the same could bring me down to the depths of hell. my entire life was other people. i would never look inward, explore my feelings. i'd rather experience other peoples. because i wanted to be there for them so bad. i wanted them to need me. i needed them to need me. with gradual pain and realization, i realized that they didn't need me at all. they didn't need, nor wanted me. i wasn't anything to them. it hurt, being rejected so. i was lost and wrong and confused. then i started being concerned with myself. i thought it arrogance at first but then it turned to self-realization. i found myself and i found this girl, this person that was me, to be good. i am good. there's nothing wrong with me, no matter what i think they all think. so to everyone it thought wanted or needed me, it's okay, discard me, i have myself to think of you know. i won't sit and grovel in the dirt for you to pay your attentions to. by doing so, i've realized how much smarter i am than you. or in retrospect, how stupid you are. you're not smart at all, you're just stupid. all of them. with the exceptions of the people i've deemed as being intelligent. it doesn't mean that we're on some higher plane, it means that you're just stupid. you've been brainwashed and we haven't. we are elite from you. and because of this, we're rejected, made to feel unwanted. i must be really not brainwashed because i've been rejected a lot of times. too many times to count. from friends. from people i loved. it means i've resisted that secret message enough to know myself. what is the secret message, i wonder. have i heard it before? if so, then why did it not get me, like the others have?

Hi kids, my name's Foxy John and I like beer. Lookit behind you, it's a kinkajou! *Laughs radically*. I'm here to liberate your panties from their unholy opression. Free them, ladies, free them good! Let them run wild with boxer shorts, or if they prefer, other panties, and bask in the freedom of Commando.

*Laughs*

You all know what I say is true.

I am at a conflict of interests. That is, now there are two. Cynthia and Ladina. *Shrugs*.

The thing is, I've not felt such passionate emotions or flirtatious wants since Emily, with anyone, then I found Ladina. *Sighs*. I don't know. I have half dedicated myself to Cynthia but it's not going anywhere so is it wrong to suddenly have this profound big thing with Ladina? Would it be wrong? Cause while I really, really like Cynthia, I also really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like Ladina and also have someone lustful feelings that I suppress with a might unequaled except by the force of God. 

Shit.

What should I dooooo?

I feel betrayed. This is the first diary entry that I have posted here in such a long time, it almost feels painful. *Bites lip, thinking*

I have worked so hard to be apart of that goddamn school Golden Sierra in some way. I tried so hard. Yet I never felt welcome. This feeling was only added to when Dr. Keebler, our 'loving' 'gentle' principal denied my request to take classes as a concurrent student. She stated to my father that I was an antisocial child, rebellious, having difficulty accepting authority figures. Rude. Unkempt. I feel angered by her assumptions, but also, somewhere in the untouched emotions that I seem to have left behind, hurt. Very hurt. Again this hurt was worried by Dr. Keebler denying me to ride with my drama club to Lanea, the only place I seem to feel accepted at. A place I've known since I was small, a freshman. I never felt apart of that either but once at the college, I seemed to be in my element.  To see these people without social classes confining them, I felt relief. 

I will still be able to go but she has wedged another block between me and my club.

Play try-outs, I think I did a fair job. I was supposed to be cast in a good role. I know it still is, but I'm playing a man's role. I am still in the play, I should quit my grieving, but I still feel rejected. Some other unexperienced girl with the right look will be cast and I will sit back, watching our director nudge them along, and I will secretly hate them all. Because I don't look right.

Do you have any idea how much this hurts? I've worked so hard... I'm at a loss for the proper emotion, the proper word. 

I've never been apart of anything. I still feel this is so. Amongst my friends, amongst my club, in my school, amongst my family for godssakes...

What's wrong with me that everyone else can see? It must be something instinctual, something I can't see.

I seem to be an oddity, a display. Does anyone actually value me for anything? I'm weird, it's funny, I'm not. I attract people, yes, but not for the reasons I wish.

And some of my friends call me a bitch and tell me to go on being emo.

Wow, I really, really love my moose! It was sad when I thought he was gone but he's not so it's okay now.

I am sho shappy happy slappy moopie! I love kissing people, they are very good to kiss. Except Dan, but it's fun to 'Danify' someone for a lark. *Grins and wanders aboot*

TAI CHI IS THE SEXIEST MAN ON THE PLANET! I want to make out with him forever. He's absolutely the best kisser in the world. 

Victoria is the second sexiest woman. Well, I dunno. She has the sexiest bite I've ever experienced though. MMMM. Bleeding....

I am totally bi now.

What the hell is my problem?

I just want for someone to consider me on top of their list of people. For them to think of me as a one person. A one person is someone they put priority to everyone else.

Tht's what I do at least...

I be like animal.

I bite chu and leave marks if you come too near me.

I feel so crazy right now, I'm unsure of what I might do.

I get the feeling that people are becoming more absorbed in the people they care about more than any other friend in the world. Everyone. Everyone that had trouble with relationships suddenly does so great and I'm left sad and single.

Though it's not all bad.

I'm working very hard to stop this.

At least I have fun in life other than those other so called 'crazy' people. They wouldn't let someone lead them around by a leash with their crotch would they? I think not.

I have a big crush on Catlin!! I don't want to date him especially much, considering he's gay and all that, but he's so great! It's a crush-on-people type of crush.

I love Catlin!

He's my boyfriend! (Detect the irony here since we both prefer our own sexes rather than each other).

I want to take him to prom with me soo bad. That or Amanda. Tough choice.

THAT'S IT!!

I'm done with being shy, at least for now. If I have a reasonable chance of not getting slapped, I'm going to be my crazy self.

Licking people.

Biting.

Generally going wild.

*Grins hugely*

Halloween, if we can get the proper material (IE fur) and sew it on my jeans with a tail, I'm going to go as an uber sexy wolf-girl thing, tugged around by the lovely Amanda who will be my master for the night. Catlin and I will attack each other in random spurts of horny crazy things. 

I am going to have a costume this year or I'll kill someone.

What is a girl to do in such a predictimum?


The answer of course lies in the actual answer to the meaning of life. That is, 42.

Now the real question is, what is the Question?

*Sits and contemplates*

My tiny fragile mice-run human mind is far too simple to grasp such a complex thought.

Isn't it sad?

I certainly think so.

What the hell is wrong with this thing called love? I see this girl, and every time I do, my intelligent bits that might attract her into conversing with me go numb and I just have to desperately attempt to manipulate the stoopid bits into forming at least a half intelligent bit of speech but NOOOO. Dudn't work. I go all atrembloid.

This is perhaps because I'm a bisexual female (Who mainly prefers girls mind you) who is attracted to the most unavailable or the most straight.

Such as Miranda.

Or Sarah.



This would all be so much easier if I could just labotomise myself right now and live life blissfully free as one of the stoopid people. No more worries about anything. Nothing. Of course my conscious soul would be horrified and devastated. Inside, underneath all the lack of brain-waves, I would be crying constantly, hoping for someone to kill me.

That's what my conscious side does anyway. Why? I don't know. I try to ignore it. Tends to be quite irritating at times.

Like now.

Goddamnit.

Why can't everything just be fixed, just like that?


I can't believe I admitted that to Miranda.

Fucking hell.

*Points imaginary gun to head, cocks it and says, "Pow" while winking*

God, you know.....

God damnit.

My demons are out of the closet and they're still horrible. Still chasing me. The ugliest but prettiest to look at is love itself.

What a fucking bitch....

How fucking sad it is to be me. All these other people bitch on and on about their stupid little problems. I have issues and yet I won't talk about them, I'll listen to them CONSTANTLY and I tell them my romantic, I think acceptable feelings but they're really not acceptable at all. No one wants them.

I just want someone so bad to pour all of my love and emotion into. I want to make them glow, thereby making me glow in return. I love Mira so much. I wanted for it to be her so badly. I thought I had found someone that I could be really honest and thought provoking over and I still can but she has Marq and that's cool and all but that leaves me in friend status.

I remember there used to be times...........................

Now they are so gone. Blown up into tiny smitherines.  I'll still feel them but now I know they will lead me nowhere. I'll still be such a great friend.

I don't want to be a great friend to someone I love that much and in that way. I thought people would understand, listen to me and sympathize because they are in the same situation. They don't. I tell them my issues, they tell me theirs and it turns into we have so much in common and then I start feeling for them the way that I do (Which is basically pointing a pistol to my forehead and shooting) and they say, "No! I like this other person and I talked to you about them which is why we became such good friends." 

Then the bullet flies.

My love is spread all over the back wall in a gory mixture of blood and other bits that are indestinguishable.

I HAVE AN ENORMOUS CRUSH ON VICTORIA! I'M SO SCARED OF HER! DEAR GOD! 

When I finally get through the first nervous stages that I had experienced around women cooler than I, (Which took two years), they go ahead and start the touching, hair-playing contact. A whole different thing to deal with. Luckily I'm not such an idiot so I'm dealing with it rather well!

I HAVE AN ENORMOUS CRUSH ON VICTORIA! I'M SO SCARED OF HER! DEAR GOD!

She's like the pale, mentally disturbed version of Angelina Jolie, much more slender and sexy. GOD! DEAR FUCKING GOD! She's so fucking gorgeous... disturbed as hell but gorgeous. I made her happy today when she was going through one of her low swings and that made me feel good. And so I started talking to her and she I think finds me cute in "She's so bashful" kind of way. So she let me kiss her stomach!!!!!!! I got all blushy and I said, "Dear god you taste so good!" and she laughed. When I was leaving she ran up and hugged me in a "Noooo" type of way" and then I just kissed her on the neck lightly and she kissed my cheek! I have a big crush! Will it amount to anything? Knowing Victoria, no, but still!

For two years I have strived to be in drama. Not only does it mean I can act (My love of loves of loves) but it also means I am percieved differently in the eyes of the drama club. They claim to be all inclusive and all but they really aren't. Ever since I landed my part, or maybe it's because I've grown up and matured, or possibly only because they realise I've got a good head for drama, all of the members who gained status so quickly are caring for me. I have status with two annoying freshman boys, one of them named Rick who's in the play and came from a group home, and I am on good terms with them. I stick up for them. I keep the peace with them even if they're being annoying. Rick is a nice guy but already I can see the floundering of needing to be accepted. He doesn't really know how to interact with us so he tries real hard. I did the same thing. Is it because of his that I am more grounded, more open to them than my other drama colleagues? Simply because of years of experience and hard work, I am superior to them in my acting. I am even nicer than them. They have finally included me. Victoria was giving me suggestions, I told her my reasoning and that I had a handle on it and I think she actually respected me. Louise, my character, is a lot like me. I have developed her character this way. There's a lot of similarities between us. I mentioned to Victoria that Louise, like me, does not think of herself as very attractive in an off hand sort of way and suddenly Victoria hugged me. This has never happened before, why now? God...

Victoria and I are similar creatures even! She's different about she handles her things and all emotionally but we are very much alike, aside from the fact that she's gorgeous and therefore gets away with anything whereas I am not...

Which brings me to my next point! I recently read the play by which my name, Roxane, was derived. Cyrano de Beurgerac. Strangely enough, I have never really read the play before and once I did, I noticed uncanny similarities between this fictional Cyrano and my own life. He has a grotesquely enormous nose but has a gift for verse that would make any woman fall in love with him. He's daring, witty, intelligent beyond belief and unerringly brave. Unfortunately I am not quite like him in his honorable everything. BUT he has this cousin, Roxane, whom I am named after, whom he is madly in love with. She's the most beautiful of all women, most intelligent, most maddening. Of course with this I reference to my dearest Mira, whom I love beyond imagination. Me, the love sick Cyrano who has a grotesque feature of my own...  I became fast friends with Miranda over a certain exploit of mine. Cyrano became first known to his beloved after a great exploit. She is in love with the handsome Christian, a beautiful red-headed soldier. He is gorgeous beyond belief AND witty but only when it came to defending himself against other men. This is Marq (Almost completely!) and all. Marq is quite capable of himself but I am almost assured he does not have my gift of prose, or my monstrous grotesque features, making me Cyrano.

Christian is sent off to war as well as Cyrano (Who is quite capable of handling himself) is petitioned by Roxane to watch over him (This is like me communicating with Marq for Miranda because of her parents ban on the boy). Cyrano writes her twice a day, crosses enemy lines twice a day, pours his heart out twice a day under the name of Christian. Roxane comes out to see her love of loves because she has now fallen in love with not only his beauty but his soul. She no longer cares about his outwardly appearance. Christian realises this and implores Cyrano to tell Roxane his true feelings, but in the progress, Christian dies by the first bullet fired in the battle that was supposed to kill everyone but didn't. Roxane is grieved, blah blah blah.

About ten years later Roxane is STILL in mourning for Christian, carrying around the last letter Cyrano wrote that has his tears and Christian's blood on it. Cyrano has kept an exact date of coming to see her and is dirt poor, creating many many enemies. They are the best of friends. Though she still doesn't know of his great love for her.  On his way, Cyrano is hit in the head and is dying. He gets up, killing himself ever so slowly to visit her about five minutes past the exact time that he always came. She doesn't know about the head wound that is slowly draining his life away. He tells her the 'gazette' as he has every time. Then asks to see the letter, recites it to her, she realises that he, not Christian, is the one she loved but Cyrano is dying. So she loses the same love twice. Cyrano has a big thing of passing and then is dead. His happiness completely sucked from him to preserve his love's idea of her dead love.

I predict my fate with Mira will go something like this.

Mira is my Roxane. She really, really, really is. Oh dear god... *Has attack of massive jivvers*

Garrett doesn't belong with Alex... she's not right for him. For one thing, she's an idiot. Another, she probably has nasty STD's. I want him back so bad but I don't want him at all. He doesn't belong with her. He belongs with me. Indefinately. He is one of my soul mates. I have formed a bond with him that will never be broken. As long as he is still there, in my life, I can never move on completely. I don't care if he is officially dating Alex, he's mine, always had been, always will. I will do what I feel is appropriate. If she has a problem with that, she can take it up with Garrett. 

I always was pissed off at Garrett because he was sexually motivated about everything. I have since learned that except in certain cases, that is what teenage guys did. They had a boner, they thought about it, they tried to use it. I wasn't going to be the one used like that. I still won't. I refuse. Yet I still want him back. He made me feel cherished. He made me feel like the most delicate, fragile thing. No one can do that. Hell no. He is the only one. I love him. Do I want him back truly though?

I had a good time at my birthday party!!!!!! It was short though, too short. Fortunately we will be having a private party of sorts next week. *Beams*. I will not be sober... *Hrmhrms*.

I got nailed like a hundred time on the butt with water balloons because Garrett is a bitch. *Grins*. Then Aaron figured out I needed birthday spankings so Garrett picked me up and five different hands delivered the killing blow. I was in such a daze I hardly noticed. It was a struggle I tell you! Sixteen slaps right on the bum... Ouch. Then Garrett needed to get his kicks in so he just gave me one good one, very, very painful.... *Winces in memory* I couldn't sit down....

*Sighs happily* Good times, good times...