Oh my dear giddy goddish, my breasts are ginormous. I didn't think I'd be a D in my entire life, but it turns out, I already am. This brings shame and embarrassment to me because I have been wearing C's, obviously not well.

I love Dresden Dolls, The Jeep Song. It's so odd.

****Look at the way this moves your eye.********

FUCK YOU, Kiwi Strawberry Arizona Ice t's are rockish.

I have sudden realizations of different objects history of the world. I cannot wait until I go to school, how fucked up is that? Though I cannot wait until I can get to my Flapjack's homeography with my car (The Pride Ride), and we can go cruising, discussing stuff. 

Dude, Ceci like fucking fulfills that need in me that I thought could never be filled by anybody. If only she were homosexual, and we hadn't been friends for a long time, or I was a guy or something. That, would be sweet. Because she gets it while other people think they do but really, really don't.

You see, it really is not the fault of others, but they just don't fucking get it. No matter what I tell them or try and tell them, they don't fucking get it.

beer is my saviour.

Oh happy days and a half! I feel jubilated by being around people who know nothing but do with it what they will. But that's Ceci's opinion, not mine, because any true knowledge is knowing something, and you know things man, correct?

See, I will ramble on about how I'm one of the smartest people around, but that's only because I allow myself to have those thoughts. One thing I do know is that I'm a very good person. I walk through the kingdom of heaven right now man. You can warp my intentions towards people into personal gain, but I don't like making people unhappy, I wish to make them happier, even if it makes me unhappy. I get selfish when it comes to my ice cream. That's about it.

And yet most still don't get what I'm doing for them. I'm not asking for anything in return, just recognition that I am really trying to be there for somebody in every way possible. I would sacrifice my health, body and happiness so that someone else can get happier. Because I know I will regain what they had lost so long ago. Because I have the power over me, no one else. I completely own myself, and that's neat. If I have to go through shit for awhile so that I might see somebody else at least a little happier, my life's all the more enriched for it, even if they fuck me over repeatedly. Because no matter how much shit I go through, I will get over it. I don't harbor.

*Smiles joyously*. Truly freedom. 

Internet lovers, not reality ones, though I hope to make them ones soon, not as lovers (Maybe one but not the other), but friends, like all my other lovers are. Because I am a lover, no doubt about it bitch.

My Rane, I don't know what it is about him but this man infatuates me so. I have an intense desire for him without any particular reason. I suppose he just floats me boat. Mmyes. He excites that shiver of delight... a task no other man has achieved with me thus far.

And mine Mira. She be the one who I suspect will not be the lover. My young souled friend, how dearly I love her so. I miss and love her so much. I don't know how much she means to me.

I've been going through some hard times kids, kids meaning anybody who's reading this. Shit...

I have gone through the ringer and still am going through it. Gone from being comfortable with anybody anywhere to being afraid of them. Or at least I don't remember being afraid of many people. Now... now they scare me with the potential pain they can bring. Because I truly fall in love that easily. I love them until they push me away, which happens all too soon. I love them still, and they either accept me... well, no, they all accept me, in fact they love me, but not in that way that I wish. It's not that hard to find someone to fall in love with. Noooo. It's hard to find someone to fall in love with you.

FUCK!!!!!!! It's hard to find someone at all who can reciprocate the strong swell of emotion that one feels for people. One meaning me, naturally.

I mean, goddamn, I have written so many fucking letters to so many different people pouring my goddamn heart out, creating eloquent verse that would bring tears in their eyes, and I receive no response, no reciprocal feelings, nothing. I am constantly subjected as a subject of interest, fascination even, but the human in me craves the affections of another person.

This is why I say I have no friends sometimes. Because most of them don't understand what I need. They might have a vague idea of what I want, but need, no.

I can cry my heart out to these people and they'll take it, dole out whatever advise they've got stored away, and go back to seeing me as nothing.

I'm one of the most emotionally inflicted persons I've ever met. I live through feeling. Mostly I feel pain.

Oh shit, I've banged my elbow so badly and I am in such pain...

On the bright side... there is none really. Went to school and bought prom tickets, which is a joy and a half, saw love of my life, gradually becoming ex-love of my life, but still I'm holding on with a dogged stubborn-streak to my jealousy. I wish I had a best friend again. Someone who thought that the best person in the world to hang out with/cuddle with/be with is me. I have none like that. I had viewed it as maturing relationships, but sadly I delude myself. Two things missing in my life. I see Mandy and Jessi who totally think that the coolest person on the planet is each other. I'm incredibly jealous.

Though I have that (Somewhat) with my Wifey, it's complicated. I don't know what to make of it, so I blame myself. With everything. There must be something going on with me. I distance myself from them so I don't have to experience it. I've done it so much I've become detatched, unable to function normally in group environments without the stimuli of drugs or alcohol to relax my inhibitions. Because I'm trapped in my fucking skull, kids! I can't do fucking shit about it. I have all these thoughts, urges and feelings that I cannot relate to other people, because... because I don't know. I don't really have the answer to that one. Because no one tries to relate? They view my stories with amusement, sadness, admiration, pride, but they don't relate to it. I relate to them, somewhat, but always I feel like an outsider. There are no exceptions. Except when I'm with someone individually. If I know them well enough, then I feel alright. In most groups, I cannot function well at all.

The ones I do don't know me at all. I'm just comfortable with it.

Where is my peer? Where is my listener?

I'm so close to tears it's painful.

Soft skin epitome of love and perfection, yet there's the ugliness residing. Where could it be, I couldn't tell you, for I see through closed eyes. Where is this ugliness that makes the viewer scorn? Where is the mark that tells you this stock is spoiled?

Oh sighing days, when shall they end? Unrequited love count: 5. I would have done anything in my power to make any of them happy and yet they overlook me. I feel sadness. Oh wretched state of being I am.

Where is the ugliness? Where is the imperfection? Well, of course there is nothing perfect about anyone, unless one accepts the flaws inside.

Confusion expounded everyone, confusion expounded! Now more than ever, I have confirmed the fact: I like women. Ah, how good it is to be in the arms of multiple men and know that you don't wish to be touched by any of them sexually, even if I was slightly drunk at the time.

Alcohol is an interesting substance, as long as we don't abuse it. It brings down inhibitions, which allows thoughts, but also destroys the liver, which is bad. And it can cause one hell of a hangover, goddamn! *Chuckles to myself*. The same with MARIJUANA. Pot actually brings out who people are emotionally, entirely, which is interesting, because once you smoke it long enough, it becomes degraded. Your emotions are dilluted because there's been too many times when it's been flooded with smoke. But seriously. Drugs are mind-expanding and recreational and wonderful, as long as we use them carefully, in a controlled manner. Because people say if you abuse alcohol long enough, you'll damage your insides, they say if you smoke enough pot, you'll be stupid, okay... so what about food? Eat enough calories and you'll be fat! Diet too much and you'll be unhealthy and underweight! Shit people are stupid! 

Alright, so there are a lot of drugs out there that I wouldn't even touch, because I know that in my little brain, I probably don't have the self-control. Probably because I've never tried them, because I'm scared to. So heroin and meth (Widely known about scary drugs like that) is off the list, yippee for me. But the main thing about drugs is that you have to control your intake, instead of just becoming ridiculously hopped up. So when I get caught with possession of marijuana and thrown in juvie for a couple months (Never happened, doubt it will, but still), what do I want to do when I get out? Not smoke weed? For awhile, at least for me, yeah. But there are a lot of other people who don't even try to control themselves who the second they are able, will light up a fatty joint and toke the fuck up. Pop a pill of E, hell, drink cough syrup to get that high that they've been craving so long in that hell hole.

So what does this mean children? That the system is fucked.

WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID BITCHES!

I have heard enough stupid teenagers who are over dramatisizing their lives and all they do is fucking complain about it, or act weird, or whatever. They 'rebel' against their parents, or something stupid like that.

Live in the adult world you ass holes and see what it's like. Deal with it in an adult manner and maybe you won't be happier but you'd be a lot more fun to be around. I cannot stand listening to the same stories over and over again, attempting to give my counsel and support and being spit on. You people make me fucking sick. I know it's nice to have a listening ear but you can't just walk all over somebody. Try being encompassing, compassionate... It usually gets me places, but sometimes I'm just blocked by the likes of whiny little pimple-popping "I miss my boyfriend" twats that can think of nothing but having the attention of someone so that they can validate themselves in some way. There is an inner strength in every single individual that they do not tap into because there's something deeply wrong with them. Try growing up for a change.

I know that every one has got some fucking story that they live by to make excuses for their behavior. There are some that I can understand and I can sympathize with, because they take it into themselves and try to understand themselves better, to improve their situation. There are others that are just so wonderfully absorbed in their lot that they don't give a shit to actually wonder why it happens.

GET OVER IT.

To any person who's reading this and thinking I am just like you, some stupid teenager who is always absorbed in their own problems, then you're sadly dillusioned. I am not judgemental in the least, I try to listen to you, I try to be there for you, but I am revolted by the ugliness within people and I'm seeing a hell of a lot of ugly around here.

Bitches....

I strive to be the best person possible, truly I do, and I am walked all over... I have no one I can truly confide in (Aside from Hiawatha) that will listen. She may have judgements I don't like but she's got good intentions, which is more than I can say for some people. Actually, she's the only one with good intentions towards me sometimes. As much as I disagree with her, especially the fact that she's a good person truly, that her fucked up life has only created a thin outward shell, she's one of the only friends I have that will tell it to me without jaded eyes. 

I have been feeling especially stressed, lack of sleep, seeing first Emily and having another blow nail driven into my heart, then Garrett, and just knowing again and again that Garrett is not a good person at all. I love him to death and he's so cute, kind and good, but he's so fucked up. He doesn't want to even try and overcome it so he can't be the boy I want him to be. I have no desire to be with him at all, but to see him not caring about me like he used to crushes something inside of me, because all I did was care about Garrett. Garrett was my world, my life, for two years. I would do anything for him. I still would, to an extent, but now that he's got a girlfriend he's moved on. He can throw away two years for a good fuck. I know he cares about me, yes, but I've become something else to him. We lost our virginities to each other, he told me his secrets, his pleasures and his pains, and I told him mine, but now I'm just another girl. I have to mean something more to him than that, otherwise something more will die within my still heart. I am the only one who's remained monogomous, he has been the only person to ever touch me in the ways he did. And he threw it away. For Karen, his fuck buddy, for Sylvia, who he practically dated while we were still going out. His parents even knew what he was doing and they didn't do anything. I would stay home at night while I knew he was with her and feel agonized, just wanting him to call me, tell me he loves me because that's all I was thinking about. I was dedicated, I was true... He doesn't even know what he did to me, I was truly traumatized. I'm only now getting over it by myself. I try to tell him and he gets confused. He doesn't know how to grow up.


I don't even know myself anymore. Ever since I broke up with Garrett almost eight months ago, and I suddenly started going around being 'out'. Falling for Emily and having that bull shit happen. 

And no one understands. No one will listen. They just think it's easy. Not a single person around me understands the shit that I went through. They have their prejudices, their problems that they are more worried about. I can understand that, but I'm still the one sitting to listen to them, giving them counsel, trying to comfort them in times of need. 

I remember Emily said that she preferred me to her other friends because I sit and I listen to her, give her insightful comments. I do that to everyone. Everyone seems to prefer me to those other friends because I listen to them. And me? I prefer no one, because they're all mostly the same. The only person I have received the same loyalty from is Hiawatha. And I don't understand her at times and I get upset with her, but she's got a whole world of shit she had to deal with and I can forgive her for that. I actually want to be there for her, even if it at times seems like she's treating me badly. No one really understands her though, and I'm only starting to now.

And she seems to be the only one in my reality that seems to tell me anything that I truly appreciate. Everything else is just noise, because I can sense that note of untruthfullness. It's not that they don't mean it, it's just that they don't understand fully, and they don't try to. I don't understand why people really don't just care. It makes me upset. I see people who are 'best friends' and they don't even try to understand each other. They barely even know each other. How can people live like that? It's sickening.

I don't mean to be a bitch, I don't even mean to be condescending, I'm just trying to understand. But there are just too many bad people in the world, and the good people that you do find, are broken somehow, like Hiawatha. I don't care what anyone says, especially her, she's a good person and they can fuck off if they say otherwise. 

*Sighs*

If I had a perfect pink band-aid to heal the world, I would. If I had to give my life for it, I would. If it came down to me dying so that the ozone layer could magically be healed, I'd fucking do it. Not go out and kill people in the Middle-East for my country, because that's just another death. But truly unselfish sacrifice, that I would do.

*Sniffs* Coheed and Cambria can perfectly capture the moments that are unexplainable. 




 

I wish to write a love letter, but to whom it is unknown. I have no one to love really. I can, in a way, but not truly, because my love is not being received properly. Breaking it slightly.

I love Mira. She whom I've never met, has never phyically had contact with, not even through the mail. I can only imagine, yet I think I know her well. Or at least I hope so. She's a wonderful person and I don't think she experiences enough reenforcement of that fact. She's stuck in a stage that I was at, until I had other influences.

I love Amanda, jaded and confused as she may be, and I know she loves me too. We're both pig-headed as hell, stubborn, loyal, sensitive, and unlucky in love. She's one of my best friends. At times I've hated her, and yet she's always there for me, in her own way. We're both very similar, which I've never experienced really in anyone. Aside from the fact that she's wonderfully attractive to everyone and has this extrovert personality that she lies to everyone with. Except to me. I've always seen that inside part, in bits and pieces. 

I love Emily. She's so horribly naive and childish. Seriously, it's like being attracted to a twelve year old, but she's still so intriguing to me. The way she moves, the way she thinks, talks, acts. She has a certain exterior as well, but I see the inner part more. The adult part that has yet to emerge. She exudes an intense sexuality that turns me from reserved and well controlled to a panting moron. And when she's in my arms, it just feels so right. Like I would never ever let go if I could. With the slightest touch she can make me think about nothing but that touch, hoping against all hope that she'll touch me again... I'm addicted to her. Sad but true. She can bring out the most sensual parts of me without even looking at me.

I love Cynthia, but not like the others... more like someone I'd really like to get to know and help adjust to the world because right now in her world, she thinks it's just her, a secret to hide. I think she thinks that everyone is the same. God, she thinks just like a boy.... It's wonderful kissing the girl but she won't open up to me completely so there's something lagging.

I like two things right now mindlessly. Beer and Selma Hayek. I don't know why.

Beer, I don't even think about it. Alcohol, yes, I think about it a lot, not in good ways, but it's just like, "If I had a beer right now, I'd drink it." That's it. Not, "Damn I want to get drunk." Or, "Shit I'm so depressed I need a beer." Just, "A beer sounds yummy."

What the hell is it about beer? The one drink I used to avoid? I still think it tastes like cow piss (Or at least I'm imagining) and yet I want one. Beer makes you pee a lot, and I don't even care. I want a beer, and then afterwards, I'd wash my hands a lot with soap, giggling.

That would be the best thing in my life.

Selma Hayek, well, I just think she's hot.

I vomited three times Sunday. The first time partially through my nose.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I wish I could get ahold of Cynthia.

BEER! WHERE FOR ART THOU?

I LIKE BEER. Mmyes. Anyway, yeah... I've been going mad with the maddity lately, being cooped up in this house, not going outside, not talking to anyone, being suspicious of everything, so that's why I wish for Beer. If there is a god of alcohol out there, bring me beer and I will worship you to the end of my days. 

*Coughs*

Teehee....

I was supposed to go car shopping with my diddy Daddy today but he sleeps and avoids it and I sit like a lumpkin waiting. Pooh. I wish to get out today...

I feel sickness.

Well, let's see here, tis April the fifth. *Yawns* Well, well, well, I am back on the internet again and typing away, click click click tap. I am currently without any commitments except to school and a little get together that I am holding not next, but the one after that, as it is my friend's birthday. I cannot very well organize a party to the extent that I am hoping in less than a week now as well as my homework and such. Shit and fuck.

Right now I'm wearing the most beautiful Harley Quinn t-shirt that I have always loved. The girls of Batman were always the best, Ivy and Harley... wondrous.

I have a very bad problem with committing myself to completing the work I am supposed to do. It shouldn't be too hard, except that I find school (IE, being a good little student and researching my ass off without actually retaining anything, then showing it to my teacher so she could show it to other teachers that I am not a complete fuck up) to be horrible. It's got no point. Discussion, lectures, such as that, I would find fascinting. This bull shit, this bile they try and make me inhale, is pointless. Without point. Boring. Wasting tree's for fuck's sake. Half the time I'm off in my own little world, thinking about what the fuck it is with people that bothers me so much... so why the hell would I be worrying about my algebra? Algebra, I spit on it, I loathe it so... 

*Thinks*. People who put so much time into their looks are so worried about their clothes hanging right, the make-up not melting, the hair having enough gel in it, rarely have time to think.

That bothers me.

I've always wanted a brother, it seems, a male protector who can be my equal but also be safe, sexually. I really get intimidated by men, especially sexually, for various reasons. I want somebody safe and good... Someone without a dick basically. No dick, no harm. But I do find something so delicious about men, something that entices me so much. Perhaps I'm not as gay as everyone around me leads me to believe. Or perhaps that side of me is still a young girl, scared of her first kiss, while the part that enjoys men has already been there and found it... I don't know. I'm never sure of what to say after I'm about to reveal thoughts I'm not too solid on.

There is only one man who entices me out of my shield of "I Only Like Girls". That is you, Rane. Ah, my Rane, my darling.... If only you knew.

Of course, there is this nagging thing that I really find girls spectacularly attractive...

I shall never know soon I think.

Memories and feelings conjured up that I didn't even think I had anymore. Emily.... so confusing. She is so beautiful and attractive and in some ways stupid but still. I've been in love with her forever. I look for the same feeling in others but find it not. Tragic it seems. I wish that she would just grow up, but the thing is, Emily has never known rejection or sorrow or pain. Somebody is always there to make it better, she nurses no old wounds. Temporary always, just like her feelings. I was left literally breathless and dizzy every time she came near me. My favorite sound in the whole world that filed me with absolute awe is her heartbeat... I remember her hands in mine and how soft they were. The merest touch sends me shivering. It's not fair...

I know I will most likely meet someone better suited to me that will do the same, but it seems like that day will never come. I dwell in insufferable silence.

Turns out though that I don't hate nearly as many people as I pretend to. Well... no, that's a lie. Because I do hate them, but unfortunately I also love them. It's much easier to love though. In so many ways, with my emotions at least, I am still a child, and I wonder if this is permanent or something I'll grow out of. 

Oh well, at least I can go around naked now and not feel self-conscious. That's right ladies and gentleman, not only is my body acceptable, it's attractive. So deal with it.

My head feels light.. I cannot think. I wish.. I wish I could just find someone to care about me. Who's top priority aside from family would be me. 

i remember the times when a symbol used to be happiness, a letter or a thought. with it i used to be taken to the stars away from life and thought. i remember when the same could bring me down to the depths of hell. my entire life was other people. i would never look inward, explore my feelings. i'd rather experience other peoples. because i wanted to be there for them so bad. i wanted them to need me. i needed them to need me. with gradual pain and realization, i realized that they didn't need me at all. they didn't need, nor wanted me. i wasn't anything to them. it hurt, being rejected so. i was lost and wrong and confused. then i started being concerned with myself. i thought it arrogance at first but then it turned to self-realization. i found myself and i found this girl, this person that was me, to be good. i am good. there's nothing wrong with me, no matter what i think they all think. so to everyone it thought wanted or needed me, it's okay, discard me, i have myself to think of you know. i won't sit and grovel in the dirt for you to pay your attentions to. by doing so, i've realized how much smarter i am than you. or in retrospect, how stupid you are. you're not smart at all, you're just stupid. all of them. with the exceptions of the people i've deemed as being intelligent. it doesn't mean that we're on some higher plane, it means that you're just stupid. you've been brainwashed and we haven't. we are elite from you. and because of this, we're rejected, made to feel unwanted. i must be really not brainwashed because i've been rejected a lot of times. too many times to count. from friends. from people i loved. it means i've resisted that secret message enough to know myself. what is the secret message, i wonder. have i heard it before? if so, then why did it not get me, like the others have?

Hi kids, my name's Foxy John and I like beer. Lookit behind you, it's a kinkajou! *Laughs radically*. I'm here to liberate your panties from their unholy opression. Free them, ladies, free them good! Let them run wild with boxer shorts, or if they prefer, other panties, and bask in the freedom of Commando.

*Laughs*

You all know what I say is true.

I am at a conflict of interests. That is, now there are two. Cynthia and Ladina. *Shrugs*.

The thing is, I've not felt such passionate emotions or flirtatious wants since Emily, with anyone, then I found Ladina. *Sighs*. I don't know. I have half dedicated myself to Cynthia but it's not going anywhere so is it wrong to suddenly have this profound big thing with Ladina? Would it be wrong? Cause while I really, really like Cynthia, I also really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like Ladina and also have someone lustful feelings that I suppress with a might unequaled except by the force of God. 

Shit.

What should I dooooo?

I feel betrayed. This is the first diary entry that I have posted here in such a long time, it almost feels painful. *Bites lip, thinking*

I have worked so hard to be apart of that goddamn school Golden Sierra in some way. I tried so hard. Yet I never felt welcome. This feeling was only added to when Dr. Keebler, our 'loving' 'gentle' principal denied my request to take classes as a concurrent student. She stated to my father that I was an antisocial child, rebellious, having difficulty accepting authority figures. Rude. Unkempt. I feel angered by her assumptions, but also, somewhere in the untouched emotions that I seem to have left behind, hurt. Very hurt. Again this hurt was worried by Dr. Keebler denying me to ride with my drama club to Lanea, the only place I seem to feel accepted at. A place I've known since I was small, a freshman. I never felt apart of that either but once at the college, I seemed to be in my element.  To see these people without social classes confining them, I felt relief. 

I will still be able to go but she has wedged another block between me and my club.

Play try-outs, I think I did a fair job. I was supposed to be cast in a good role. I know it still is, but I'm playing a man's role. I am still in the play, I should quit my grieving, but I still feel rejected. Some other unexperienced girl with the right look will be cast and I will sit back, watching our director nudge them along, and I will secretly hate them all. Because I don't look right.

Do you have any idea how much this hurts? I've worked so hard... I'm at a loss for the proper emotion, the proper word. 

I've never been apart of anything. I still feel this is so. Amongst my friends, amongst my club, in my school, amongst my family for godssakes...

What's wrong with me that everyone else can see? It must be something instinctual, something I can't see.

I seem to be an oddity, a display. Does anyone actually value me for anything? I'm weird, it's funny, I'm not. I attract people, yes, but not for the reasons I wish.

And some of my friends call me a bitch and tell me to go on being emo.

Wow, I really, really love my moose! It was sad when I thought he was gone but he's not so it's okay now.

I am sho shappy happy slappy moopie! I love kissing people, they are very good to kiss. Except Dan, but it's fun to 'Danify' someone for a lark. *Grins and wanders aboot*

TAI CHI IS THE SEXIEST MAN ON THE PLANET! I want to make out with him forever. He's absolutely the best kisser in the world. 

Victoria is the second sexiest woman. Well, I dunno. She has the sexiest bite I've ever experienced though. MMMM. Bleeding....

I am totally bi now.

What the hell is my problem?

I just want for someone to consider me on top of their list of people. For them to think of me as a one person. A one person is someone they put priority to everyone else.

Tht's what I do at least...

I be like animal.

I bite chu and leave marks if you come too near me.

I feel so crazy right now, I'm unsure of what I might do.

I get the feeling that people are becoming more absorbed in the people they care about more than any other friend in the world. Everyone. Everyone that had trouble with relationships suddenly does so great and I'm left sad and single.

Though it's not all bad.

I'm working very hard to stop this.

At least I have fun in life other than those other so called 'crazy' people. They wouldn't let someone lead them around by a leash with their crotch would they? I think not.

I have a big crush on Catlin!! I don't want to date him especially much, considering he's gay and all that, but he's so great! It's a crush-on-people type of crush.

I love Catlin!

He's my boyfriend! (Detect the irony here since we both prefer our own sexes rather than each other).

I want to take him to prom with me soo bad. That or Amanda. Tough choice.

THAT'S IT!!

I'm done with being shy, at least for now. If I have a reasonable chance of not getting slapped, I'm going to be my crazy self.

Licking people.

Biting.

Generally going wild.

*Grins hugely*

Halloween, if we can get the proper material (IE fur) and sew it on my jeans with a tail, I'm going to go as an uber sexy wolf-girl thing, tugged around by the lovely Amanda who will be my master for the night. Catlin and I will attack each other in random spurts of horny crazy things. 

I am going to have a costume this year or I'll kill someone.