I think that everyone in my weekly group (Now sadly ended) knows that I, Roxxy, am gay. Or at least the adults, my lovely counselor friend, Dennis maybe. And the people I already told. *Thinks*. It's just so easy to let it slip. Yet I'm nothing like the mold. 
Jesus, I hate the CHILDREN that walk into group (It's basically a weekly discussion group on lots of subjects, which others abuse as time to talk about their boyfriends or amusing little stories they have about them, or family, or they bring their annoying little dogs to crawl all over the table because they're SOO CUTE *Vomit*), that abuse the system. I personally talk about the really big issues that weigh upon my thoughts. I bring up subjects that may make people uncomfortable, or may make them think, or I plainly tell them (Kind of) to shut the fuck up because what they say is irrelevant. 

Why is it that I cannot meet someone else who does the same? There always seems to be a hidden agenda, a secret thought and motive that people won't let out.

So this means what? I'm not quite the typical girl, or the exceptional girl, I'm just unusual. And I'm certainly not a guy. Maybe I'm like Scotland. Oh, Scotland, how I love him so.... If only we didn't come from such seperate backgrounds. Like him being religious. If he was just a weird boy on his own and didn't mind dating.... He's just terribly perfect.

Sadness ensues.

Perhaps this is why I like Rane? But I don't even know Rane. 

Fuck.

Recent celebrity crush: Eva Green. There's something about those fresh faced young pretty actresses that pull my attention in. 

Okay, so I've been thinking about a great many things, especially myself and my position in life, but mainly I've been thinking about people.

Ahh, Scotland. Scotland is one of the few men I actually approve of without criticism. One of the few people I approve of without criticism. I like him very much. If I liked men, I'd even have a crush on him. Which I do, in a puppy crush sort of way. Why? Because I tend to be attracted to the highly unavailable types. He's deathly religious and doesn't even believe in dating until he's looking for a marriage partner.

My answer to that, I'm always looking for my soul mate. The one romance in my life. I am a total romantic, I don't do anything casually (Not anything, you could ask the victims of my crushes), so I look for that soul mate in everyone I see. It could be the girl I see on the internet, just messaging them with odd comments, it could be anyone really. Sure there's a lot of people who are freaked out by the depth in which I think (Fuck, I've never met anyone who actually does think like me...), but one of these days I'm going to meet that girl that just takes me heart away with that smile...

Shit, the thing I'm paranoid about though is that I get rather goofy when I think about girls. Sure I can write the most beautiful things to them, but when I'm actually with this person, I can't stop grinning and suddenly I revert to thirteen again. I know I'm going to meet this wonderful person that I am absolutely crazy about, and I know I have it in me to make this other person see me for all that I am, but I get nervous, then I talk on and on about shit, randomly interjecting weird little things like, "You do know that the only reason I'm rambling on like this is because I want to kiss you, right?".

So you see, I am a fukkup.

*Grins*

A happy one though. Happy and blissfully self aware. The only thing I really need in my life at the moment is a car and my damn license.

Then I can maybe go out and find that girl that's waiting for me somewhere.

If she's truly right for me, I will finally live out that lifelong dream of going backpacking with my lover across Europe. Find an apartment in San Francisco maybe? Go to acting school. 

Ah, to act. I am quite excited over upcoming drama lessons in Sierra College, but I see these plays and films that these people create and I'm thinking a thousand times bigger. Is it wishful thinking? Is it arrogance? Or is it just that drive and the knowledge that I was a big fish in a small pond. This is literally a tiny place to live in. Huge expanses of land, very little people in it. Most of which I cannot relate to.

Which is why I smoke the dope, drink the drink, poison myself! Because it's all just so easy to slip into the terribleness of life that threatens to knock someone down everyday.

*Thinks* You know, I really don't even like alcohol. Or cigarettes. Pot is my drug of choice, and that's only for winding down or winding up. Pot does crazy things to me. Why do I do them then? Because occassionally it's nice, and more often, it's the situation...

I rarely smoke cigarettes by myself, and even when around others, I don't really drink. When I do get drunk, I love it. The actual process, not my thing.

Marijuana though. That's nice.

But I'm drifting off subject.

All my love,

Roxxy

I am happy! I am joyous! I am free, finally I have broken the bondage of my mind and opened to the happiness that resides within me. I don't know what it was about my dark little mood, but it has finally gone away and I am happy once again, no doubting, no expectations, ah, freedom....

I've been like this since forever, but at least for today, I doubt nothing, I'm not hung up on anyone, and I don't give a shit. 

Yay for me.

Prom was lovely, but horrible as well, because I had expectations which I fulfilled, and also the disappointments, which was my fault as well...

I don't know why I told Emily that I was sad because I saw her with Jesii and I couldn't have her. I didn't mean that. What I meant is that I'm lonely as hell and she's the closest thing I've ever come to love, so why can't I be jealous for a bit, watching everyone else be happy while I'm stuck?

Then there was that whole thing with my small group making out with each other (Male Jesii and gay friend Jeff, gay-girl Jessi and Emily), making out with each other at MY suggestion and me being left out. Yup. That's how it works for me. Because I'm FUCKED.

Then they all coaxed me into dancing, so it was okay... except I was distracted by the fact I wasn't hanging out with my prom date, and that I looked like shit... Um, let's see, what else? Oh yes. That in my small group of friends, everyone seemed to prefer each other over me. Yup. Dates went with their dates! Me? I ignored mine. Not on purpose. I just knew it would happen like that though. Not quite, but still.

I have a date and I'm worried whether it will actually happen or not........... You see, when I try to get into a relationship with anyone of a romantic manner, it turns out to be FUCKED up, just like I am.

Because I'm quite fucked up, but who cares anyway, no one ever reads this trash anyway that I spew out... 

Why I write this and hope for someone to read it, I don't know. Possibly because I am just that lonely, waiting for someone to read this and feel bad enough to say hi and truly wonder about my life. Because I'm a pathetic child..............

Half the people I'm supposed to be friends with don't even care, so why should some internet stranger?

I was sitting there, calling everyone I really wanted to talk to in my little phone book, and they all had to go or weren't there. I sat there and nearly sobbed. So I did the next best thing and I called Garrett, who didn't make me feel much better, but at least he cares...

That's why I'm still stuck on him. Because he cares about me at least comparitavely to everyone else in my life.

Sure there's my family, but I'm upset with them because my younger sister is still that, younger, a child, my sister, how the hell could she understand or sympathize with what I'm going through? I don't need to lay down my burdens upon her when she's still figuring out puberty. I can't tell my mom, why the hell would I tell my mom? She too has her own stresses and would give me some sentimental, motherly advise, dribble and snot... Her opinion of things she doesn't understand. Alex, well, Alex doesn't quite care for me, and I don't care for her. My dad.... That's a laugh. He's too concerned being a father to some sixteen year old rape victim to ever be concerned with his own sixteen year old. That and talking to his internet girlfriends. Quite pathetic, my dad can land a girlfriend that calls him all the time, but I can't. By the way, did I mention my parents were still married, which just contributes wholly to the stress of this goddamn environment...

I find peace only in sleep... There my dreams are realized.

Fuck, my dad goes on about how he wants to get me a new car, and yet now he's talking about taking a loan out for Alex. Always fucking Alex, never me. Sure, they're working hard to get me my license, but that was owed to me. I've waited long enough, almost a year of waiting around for them to get their act together, and my sister nags them enough and she gets whatever she wants.  Fuck.

I could have just bought that Bug I fell in love with, 1,000 dollars, I had it in my hand, I could have bought it, and yet I didn't, because my dad was a prick and pushed his fatherly instincts on me...

I hate being in this restricted environment.

Track 9 of the Dresden Dolls is perfectly suited to my environmental feelings.

Such as this growing headache.

Wishing Mira would care.

Yes, wishing Mira would care. A phantom, a fantasy. No one to me, me, no one to her.

I could cry right now if I didn't know my tears would be for nothing. Why waste it just on me, indulging in a little cry? A lot of people will blame this on PMS, whatever, but nope, this is my state of BEING. Whenever I lie, they believe the maybe a little sad but happy girl, because then they won't have to deal with all of my fears and worries. because I'm the only one who cares about them!!!!!!

My fears and worries include my friends. I try to extend the friendship, try to be there for someone, and they fucking reject me. Even in friendship. I'm a fuck up when it comes to every goddamn relationship. Maybe I should have just stayed with Garrett, but no, that would turn out horribly, because Garrett is a controlling sex-maniac prick and I broke up with him in the pursuit of happiness.

The only advise I've gotten is, "A lot of people feel like you do."

Isn't that fucking great?

Shit, how many times do I hear people say, "If only I were gay, I would totally date you Roxxy." Or "You're beautiful Roxxy..." How many times do I hear that and yet from the people it matters most from the words are empty...

We are too restricted by our inhibitions. I'm restricted by my fantasies. Fantasies of someone, anyone caring for me the way I care for almost everyone.

I feel sick................................

Aubrey always says she's going to call me later while she's sleeping and suddenly three weeks later I hear from her.

Mira always says she might call me back and then a few weeks or months later, I hear from her, in a one line e-mail or something.

Emily tells me she's writing me a letter, makes all the flourishes and really trusses it up to make it look nice, and it contains whatever she did in class that day.

I write Mandy some of my most intimate moments, caught on paper, I write the most beautiful things to Mandy, most of the time I don't even warrant a response.

I don't belong here. I don't know where I belong. I'm scared to leave here though. I just know this doesn't suit me. It hurts me, these people... These people who aren't quite real.

God, I was vomiting and I didn't even warrant any pity.

Now that has got to be pathetic.

I miss Jeff... Tyler... people quite far and yet so near. I suppose it might change with my license... I suppose...

I should call Rane.

I don't really want to though. It would only be depressing.

Poor guy, he's probably been waiting for weeks...

*Sigh*.

I don't think he quite understand though.




I really don't want anyone to read this and think that I'm just some depressed little restricted teenager. I'm not repressed. I'm just fucked up. All of this is inflicted upon me by me.

I am just getting everything out that I keep within.


 

Urgh... yesterday I felt like vomiting I was so sick. Not with stomach troubles, but with sinus fucked up-ed-ness. Hopped up on Dayquil (Which made me drowsy), and now my throat is hurting and I sneeze on occassion, I feel disgusting. A shower sounds good in about three minutes.

Yesterday, I don't know how I felt. Just BAD. For no apparent reason. I kept on thinking that I kept myself from being normal. I was preventing myself from feeling as if I belong. Questioning it, dissecting it, analyzing my results with tears in my eyes. Why? Because I'm fucked up.

My prom date looks beautiful in her dress. I don't think I told her that enough. She's going to be the prettiest date at the prom, with the weirdest...

I am going to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in a very long time. Of course I'm going to have unrealistic expectations and disappoint myself when I actually arrive, but I'll be distracted enough hopefully that I won't truly give a shit.

*Cough cough*

Ugh.

Prom is tomorrow and I cannot wait. As well as the Mayfair. I want to purchase a svord. A sword sounds lovely. I've already got an athame, and a hefty dagger (If it's a dagger, it's huge), as well as a few hunting knives laying around. Oh, and that other dagger I purchased from Chinatown. Should have bought a sword though. Should have... but didn't. Lara was going to buy a pair of samuri blades but me mumsy wouldn't let her. I think I might try to duck out of my official greeting duties. Shirk them entirely. Because I'm sick, I need to do homework, and I just don't want to do them. 

I need to lie down and rest all day, otherwise I'll be an irritable bitch at prom.

*Listens to Dresden Dolls with pleasure*. Sometimes I don't want to listen to them at all, and I can't believe I actually bought the disk, but then I am in moods like this one and it's the perfect CD to be listening to. perfect.

I'll be fending for myself now.

Anti-flag is neato.

Not like anyone reads this anyway, but I tend to leave my thoughts all over the internet, so who cares? Alrighty, alright, alrighty-o. Thinking about a great many things, Mira for one, Emily for another, the future girlfriend love of my life in the end. I had a rather provocative dream last night that seemed to manifest my desire for a girlfriend in the form of Emily, in a pleasing, but not pleasing way. Because Emily, unfortunately, is the closest I've come to that kind of happiness. She made me happy, yes, but she also makes me miserable. I love to listen to her heart beating, but I would rather hear the steady throb of her heart with my ear pressed against bare flesh, a lover's embrace rather than in a bear hug, me lifting her up, her giggling, and such and such. 

My, my I can be dramatic sometimes (Thinks this as I read my older diary entry). I don't know. These, are my inward thoughts that I think people should read to get to know me better, see what my thought pattern is like, but they don't. For reasons I suspect, but are still quite unknown. 

I wish I had time to call a certain someone whom I have not spoken with in a very long time.

I wish I were PURE.

At the moment my chest is giving me aches. That's kind of gay.

Speaking of gay, I've been going through huge doubts when I'm in the Virgo state of mind about whether or not I really am gay or not, but then when I'm in my element, I have no doubt in my mind. I know exactly how my life is going to end up. Sadly enough, I might hurt my future lover at one point by having a tragic affair with some man, get pregnant by him, rethink things and return to the love of my life if she'd accept me. Of course I wouldn't do it if I thought she might reject me for the rest of my life, but this is a romantic fantasy everyone. It's my biggest wish in life, to find that one. I asked Aubrey about where she thought I'd be in five years, and she said I'd be with my life partner. Oh god I hope that's true. 

That would be worth all the torture I put myself through now.

Aubrey's going to join the Peace Corp. Me? I'm going to probably move in with Ceci for awhile, travel a bit while going to college for my own enjoyment and future moving on to a bigger college, spend a summer in Europe backpacking, find my luvver... Visit Rane at one point before then. As well as Mira. I do plan to visit her, sooner or later, even if I'm apprehensive about it. I think it would be marvelously adventurous of me. A step outside the box that is me being nervous about being away from home at any length of time with certain people.

Eww. My mother just said the erectile-dysfunction men on TV are cute. *Laughs*. She's such a wonderful woman. Then she launched into a semi-discussion about how those pills that give older men erections are going to lead to future problems with their plumbing. Plumbing was my word.

Oh Christ Jesus.

I miss my Flapjack. I can't wait to see her tomorrow at Groop. Yaya! Even though the girls in group are generally half wits that I would like to beat with a large stick so that they might just grow up a tiny bit.

Unfortunately, they don't have the potential to do so.

Love everyone who might be reading this,

Roxxy

I am terrible confused about everything at the moment kiddies, not like there's anyone to read this anyway. *Sighs*. On the left foot, I screwed up with my license getting (Forgot my permit in the other car) and couldn't get a print-out copy because the DMV are Satan's minions. I got my tuxedo which is a plus, but I'm also having horrible doubts over it because I am a crazy mother fucking Virgo, constantly doubting worrying and being upset. I don't know how to open up to people sometimes. I seem to open up to the wrong people. I really don't want to be a Virgo at all, but rather retain my Leo like qualities even if I may be vain. Because it's much easier than moping around all the time.

I wish my head would not sear with such pain.

At least I'm not going to be weak and ask for medication or start smoking more, drinking more, whatever because of it. I'm actually considering not doing much of any of that stuff because I'm horribly worried about my internal life, the one I don't see, that may be rotting away as we speak. I want to be healthy, fit and happy for a very long time, not get diagnosed with holes in my brain and black on my lungs at thirty-two. I don't want to have to struggle with myself when I decide to have a child because I just can't put down that beer, or cigarette.

I wish I was everything I'm not.

I'm begging someone, anyone, to fucking help me. And all I hear is the distant and lonely sound of thunder rumbling in my fucking skull telling me there's no one out there who can help me at all.

Because no one really particularly wants to, and that's the truth. Not anyone I have access to at least. I could tell my family but that would result in conflict since I am at the moment conflicted with my family.

Oh jesus, this had better be a side-effect of going through puberty. If this shit is permanent I think I'll shoot myself in the head.

FUCK! The Punkfuck Kid is my alter ego, he has revealed himself to me. Oh shit man. I am his Angel and he is my Hate, we are both the same, and yet he's nothing.

It is no wonder that I do what I do.

Oh my dear giddy goddish, my breasts are ginormous. I didn't think I'd be a D in my entire life, but it turns out, I already am. This brings shame and embarrassment to me because I have been wearing C's, obviously not well.

I love Dresden Dolls, The Jeep Song. It's so odd.

****Look at the way this moves your eye.********

FUCK YOU, Kiwi Strawberry Arizona Ice t's are rockish.

I have sudden realizations of different objects history of the world. I cannot wait until I go to school, how fucked up is that? Though I cannot wait until I can get to my Flapjack's homeography with my car (The Pride Ride), and we can go cruising, discussing stuff. 

Dude, Ceci like fucking fulfills that need in me that I thought could never be filled by anybody. If only she were homosexual, and we hadn't been friends for a long time, or I was a guy or something. That, would be sweet. Because she gets it while other people think they do but really, really don't.

You see, it really is not the fault of others, but they just don't fucking get it. No matter what I tell them or try and tell them, they don't fucking get it.

beer is my saviour.

Oh happy days and a half! I feel jubilated by being around people who know nothing but do with it what they will. But that's Ceci's opinion, not mine, because any true knowledge is knowing something, and you know things man, correct?

See, I will ramble on about how I'm one of the smartest people around, but that's only because I allow myself to have those thoughts. One thing I do know is that I'm a very good person. I walk through the kingdom of heaven right now man. You can warp my intentions towards people into personal gain, but I don't like making people unhappy, I wish to make them happier, even if it makes me unhappy. I get selfish when it comes to my ice cream. That's about it.

And yet most still don't get what I'm doing for them. I'm not asking for anything in return, just recognition that I am really trying to be there for somebody in every way possible. I would sacrifice my health, body and happiness so that someone else can get happier. Because I know I will regain what they had lost so long ago. Because I have the power over me, no one else. I completely own myself, and that's neat. If I have to go through shit for awhile so that I might see somebody else at least a little happier, my life's all the more enriched for it, even if they fuck me over repeatedly. Because no matter how much shit I go through, I will get over it. I don't harbor.

*Smiles joyously*. Truly freedom. 

Internet lovers, not reality ones, though I hope to make them ones soon, not as lovers (Maybe one but not the other), but friends, like all my other lovers are. Because I am a lover, no doubt about it bitch.

My Rane, I don't know what it is about him but this man infatuates me so. I have an intense desire for him without any particular reason. I suppose he just floats me boat. Mmyes. He excites that shiver of delight... a task no other man has achieved with me thus far.

And mine Mira. She be the one who I suspect will not be the lover. My young souled friend, how dearly I love her so. I miss and love her so much. I don't know how much she means to me.

I've been going through some hard times kids, kids meaning anybody who's reading this. Shit...

I have gone through the ringer and still am going through it. Gone from being comfortable with anybody anywhere to being afraid of them. Or at least I don't remember being afraid of many people. Now... now they scare me with the potential pain they can bring. Because I truly fall in love that easily. I love them until they push me away, which happens all too soon. I love them still, and they either accept me... well, no, they all accept me, in fact they love me, but not in that way that I wish. It's not that hard to find someone to fall in love with. Noooo. It's hard to find someone to fall in love with you.

FUCK!!!!!!! It's hard to find someone at all who can reciprocate the strong swell of emotion that one feels for people. One meaning me, naturally.

I mean, goddamn, I have written so many fucking letters to so many different people pouring my goddamn heart out, creating eloquent verse that would bring tears in their eyes, and I receive no response, no reciprocal feelings, nothing. I am constantly subjected as a subject of interest, fascination even, but the human in me craves the affections of another person.

This is why I say I have no friends sometimes. Because most of them don't understand what I need. They might have a vague idea of what I want, but need, no.

I can cry my heart out to these people and they'll take it, dole out whatever advise they've got stored away, and go back to seeing me as nothing.

I'm one of the most emotionally inflicted persons I've ever met. I live through feeling. Mostly I feel pain.

Oh shit, I've banged my elbow so badly and I am in such pain...

On the bright side... there is none really. Went to school and bought prom tickets, which is a joy and a half, saw love of my life, gradually becoming ex-love of my life, but still I'm holding on with a dogged stubborn-streak to my jealousy. I wish I had a best friend again. Someone who thought that the best person in the world to hang out with/cuddle with/be with is me. I have none like that. I had viewed it as maturing relationships, but sadly I delude myself. Two things missing in my life. I see Mandy and Jessi who totally think that the coolest person on the planet is each other. I'm incredibly jealous.

Though I have that (Somewhat) with my Wifey, it's complicated. I don't know what to make of it, so I blame myself. With everything. There must be something going on with me. I distance myself from them so I don't have to experience it. I've done it so much I've become detatched, unable to function normally in group environments without the stimuli of drugs or alcohol to relax my inhibitions. Because I'm trapped in my fucking skull, kids! I can't do fucking shit about it. I have all these thoughts, urges and feelings that I cannot relate to other people, because... because I don't know. I don't really have the answer to that one. Because no one tries to relate? They view my stories with amusement, sadness, admiration, pride, but they don't relate to it. I relate to them, somewhat, but always I feel like an outsider. There are no exceptions. Except when I'm with someone individually. If I know them well enough, then I feel alright. In most groups, I cannot function well at all.

The ones I do don't know me at all. I'm just comfortable with it.

Where is my peer? Where is my listener?

I'm so close to tears it's painful.

Soft skin epitome of love and perfection, yet there's the ugliness residing. Where could it be, I couldn't tell you, for I see through closed eyes. Where is this ugliness that makes the viewer scorn? Where is the mark that tells you this stock is spoiled?

Oh sighing days, when shall they end? Unrequited love count: 5. I would have done anything in my power to make any of them happy and yet they overlook me. I feel sadness. Oh wretched state of being I am.

Where is the ugliness? Where is the imperfection? Well, of course there is nothing perfect about anyone, unless one accepts the flaws inside.

Confusion expounded everyone, confusion expounded! Now more than ever, I have confirmed the fact: I like women. Ah, how good it is to be in the arms of multiple men and know that you don't wish to be touched by any of them sexually, even if I was slightly drunk at the time.

Alcohol is an interesting substance, as long as we don't abuse it. It brings down inhibitions, which allows thoughts, but also destroys the liver, which is bad. And it can cause one hell of a hangover, goddamn! *Chuckles to myself*. The same with MARIJUANA. Pot actually brings out who people are emotionally, entirely, which is interesting, because once you smoke it long enough, it becomes degraded. Your emotions are dilluted because there's been too many times when it's been flooded with smoke. But seriously. Drugs are mind-expanding and recreational and wonderful, as long as we use them carefully, in a controlled manner. Because people say if you abuse alcohol long enough, you'll damage your insides, they say if you smoke enough pot, you'll be stupid, okay... so what about food? Eat enough calories and you'll be fat! Diet too much and you'll be unhealthy and underweight! Shit people are stupid! 

Alright, so there are a lot of drugs out there that I wouldn't even touch, because I know that in my little brain, I probably don't have the self-control. Probably because I've never tried them, because I'm scared to. So heroin and meth (Widely known about scary drugs like that) is off the list, yippee for me. But the main thing about drugs is that you have to control your intake, instead of just becoming ridiculously hopped up. So when I get caught with possession of marijuana and thrown in juvie for a couple months (Never happened, doubt it will, but still), what do I want to do when I get out? Not smoke weed? For awhile, at least for me, yeah. But there are a lot of other people who don't even try to control themselves who the second they are able, will light up a fatty joint and toke the fuck up. Pop a pill of E, hell, drink cough syrup to get that high that they've been craving so long in that hell hole.

So what does this mean children? That the system is fucked.

WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID BITCHES!

I have heard enough stupid teenagers who are over dramatisizing their lives and all they do is fucking complain about it, or act weird, or whatever. They 'rebel' against their parents, or something stupid like that.

Live in the adult world you ass holes and see what it's like. Deal with it in an adult manner and maybe you won't be happier but you'd be a lot more fun to be around. I cannot stand listening to the same stories over and over again, attempting to give my counsel and support and being spit on. You people make me fucking sick. I know it's nice to have a listening ear but you can't just walk all over somebody. Try being encompassing, compassionate... It usually gets me places, but sometimes I'm just blocked by the likes of whiny little pimple-popping "I miss my boyfriend" twats that can think of nothing but having the attention of someone so that they can validate themselves in some way. There is an inner strength in every single individual that they do not tap into because there's something deeply wrong with them. Try growing up for a change.

I know that every one has got some fucking story that they live by to make excuses for their behavior. There are some that I can understand and I can sympathize with, because they take it into themselves and try to understand themselves better, to improve their situation. There are others that are just so wonderfully absorbed in their lot that they don't give a shit to actually wonder why it happens.

GET OVER IT.

To any person who's reading this and thinking I am just like you, some stupid teenager who is always absorbed in their own problems, then you're sadly dillusioned. I am not judgemental in the least, I try to listen to you, I try to be there for you, but I am revolted by the ugliness within people and I'm seeing a hell of a lot of ugly around here.

Bitches....

I strive to be the best person possible, truly I do, and I am walked all over... I have no one I can truly confide in (Aside from Hiawatha) that will listen. She may have judgements I don't like but she's got good intentions, which is more than I can say for some people. Actually, she's the only one with good intentions towards me sometimes. As much as I disagree with her, especially the fact that she's a good person truly, that her fucked up life has only created a thin outward shell, she's one of the only friends I have that will tell it to me without jaded eyes. 

I have been feeling especially stressed, lack of sleep, seeing first Emily and having another blow nail driven into my heart, then Garrett, and just knowing again and again that Garrett is not a good person at all. I love him to death and he's so cute, kind and good, but he's so fucked up. He doesn't want to even try and overcome it so he can't be the boy I want him to be. I have no desire to be with him at all, but to see him not caring about me like he used to crushes something inside of me, because all I did was care about Garrett. Garrett was my world, my life, for two years. I would do anything for him. I still would, to an extent, but now that he's got a girlfriend he's moved on. He can throw away two years for a good fuck. I know he cares about me, yes, but I've become something else to him. We lost our virginities to each other, he told me his secrets, his pleasures and his pains, and I told him mine, but now I'm just another girl. I have to mean something more to him than that, otherwise something more will die within my still heart. I am the only one who's remained monogomous, he has been the only person to ever touch me in the ways he did. And he threw it away. For Karen, his fuck buddy, for Sylvia, who he practically dated while we were still going out. His parents even knew what he was doing and they didn't do anything. I would stay home at night while I knew he was with her and feel agonized, just wanting him to call me, tell me he loves me because that's all I was thinking about. I was dedicated, I was true... He doesn't even know what he did to me, I was truly traumatized. I'm only now getting over it by myself. I try to tell him and he gets confused. He doesn't know how to grow up.


I don't even know myself anymore. Ever since I broke up with Garrett almost eight months ago, and I suddenly started going around being 'out'. Falling for Emily and having that bull shit happen. 

And no one understands. No one will listen. They just think it's easy. Not a single person around me understands the shit that I went through. They have their prejudices, their problems that they are more worried about. I can understand that, but I'm still the one sitting to listen to them, giving them counsel, trying to comfort them in times of need. 

I remember Emily said that she preferred me to her other friends because I sit and I listen to her, give her insightful comments. I do that to everyone. Everyone seems to prefer me to those other friends because I listen to them. And me? I prefer no one, because they're all mostly the same. The only person I have received the same loyalty from is Hiawatha. And I don't understand her at times and I get upset with her, but she's got a whole world of shit she had to deal with and I can forgive her for that. I actually want to be there for her, even if it at times seems like she's treating me badly. No one really understands her though, and I'm only starting to now.

And she seems to be the only one in my reality that seems to tell me anything that I truly appreciate. Everything else is just noise, because I can sense that note of untruthfullness. It's not that they don't mean it, it's just that they don't understand fully, and they don't try to. I don't understand why people really don't just care. It makes me upset. I see people who are 'best friends' and they don't even try to understand each other. They barely even know each other. How can people live like that? It's sickening.

I don't mean to be a bitch, I don't even mean to be condescending, I'm just trying to understand. But there are just too many bad people in the world, and the good people that you do find, are broken somehow, like Hiawatha. I don't care what anyone says, especially her, she's a good person and they can fuck off if they say otherwise. 

*Sighs*

If I had a perfect pink band-aid to heal the world, I would. If I had to give my life for it, I would. If it came down to me dying so that the ozone layer could magically be healed, I'd fucking do it. Not go out and kill people in the Middle-East for my country, because that's just another death. But truly unselfish sacrifice, that I would do.

*Sniffs* Coheed and Cambria can perfectly capture the moments that are unexplainable. 




 

I wish to write a love letter, but to whom it is unknown. I have no one to love really. I can, in a way, but not truly, because my love is not being received properly. Breaking it slightly.

I love Mira. She whom I've never met, has never phyically had contact with, not even through the mail. I can only imagine, yet I think I know her well. Or at least I hope so. She's a wonderful person and I don't think she experiences enough reenforcement of that fact. She's stuck in a stage that I was at, until I had other influences.

I love Amanda, jaded and confused as she may be, and I know she loves me too. We're both pig-headed as hell, stubborn, loyal, sensitive, and unlucky in love. She's one of my best friends. At times I've hated her, and yet she's always there for me, in her own way. We're both very similar, which I've never experienced really in anyone. Aside from the fact that she's wonderfully attractive to everyone and has this extrovert personality that she lies to everyone with. Except to me. I've always seen that inside part, in bits and pieces. 

I love Emily. She's so horribly naive and childish. Seriously, it's like being attracted to a twelve year old, but she's still so intriguing to me. The way she moves, the way she thinks, talks, acts. She has a certain exterior as well, but I see the inner part more. The adult part that has yet to emerge. She exudes an intense sexuality that turns me from reserved and well controlled to a panting moron. And when she's in my arms, it just feels so right. Like I would never ever let go if I could. With the slightest touch she can make me think about nothing but that touch, hoping against all hope that she'll touch me again... I'm addicted to her. Sad but true. She can bring out the most sensual parts of me without even looking at me.

I love Cynthia, but not like the others... more like someone I'd really like to get to know and help adjust to the world because right now in her world, she thinks it's just her, a secret to hide. I think she thinks that everyone is the same. God, she thinks just like a boy.... It's wonderful kissing the girl but she won't open up to me completely so there's something lagging.

I like two things right now mindlessly. Beer and Selma Hayek. I don't know why.

Beer, I don't even think about it. Alcohol, yes, I think about it a lot, not in good ways, but it's just like, "If I had a beer right now, I'd drink it." That's it. Not, "Damn I want to get drunk." Or, "Shit I'm so depressed I need a beer." Just, "A beer sounds yummy."

What the hell is it about beer? The one drink I used to avoid? I still think it tastes like cow piss (Or at least I'm imagining) and yet I want one. Beer makes you pee a lot, and I don't even care. I want a beer, and then afterwards, I'd wash my hands a lot with soap, giggling.

That would be the best thing in my life.

Selma Hayek, well, I just think she's hot.

I vomited three times Sunday. The first time partially through my nose.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I wish I could get ahold of Cynthia.

BEER! WHERE FOR ART THOU?

I LIKE BEER. Mmyes. Anyway, yeah... I've been going mad with the maddity lately, being cooped up in this house, not going outside, not talking to anyone, being suspicious of everything, so that's why I wish for Beer. If there is a god of alcohol out there, bring me beer and I will worship you to the end of my days. 

*Coughs*

Teehee....

I was supposed to go car shopping with my diddy Daddy today but he sleeps and avoids it and I sit like a lumpkin waiting. Pooh. I wish to get out today...

I feel sickness.