I'm creating so many things! I have a wonderful plan for a story, and I know that whatever I do I totally want to see the people come to life, so it's a film.
In this film, there is a four year old girl in a beautiful garden. She reaches up, trying to get a peach. The film is all old like, black and white, and you can hear the film reel and everything. So she's trying to reach this beautiful succulent peach, but she's too short. Another little girl, hiding behind the trunk, hands the little girl another peach exactly like it. The first little girl smiles, taking a bite of the perfectly ripe peach. Juice runs down her cheek, smearing on her face in a very four-year old manner. The first little girl, Rebecca, hands the second little girl the peach, offering a bite of it. The second little girl, Morgan, takes a bite, smearing juice all over her face and hands, again like a four-year old.
The movie starts after that. The house that owns the garden is Rebecca's family's summer home, where they reside during summer's obviously. It's Rebecca's first time she can remember being at the house and she's met her new little friend. Morgan is the daughter of the gardener that tends to the house year-round. Her mother is dead. Will (The gardener) let's his daughter play in the gardens while he's there, and so it was inevitable that Rebecca and Morgan would meet. The two play in the gardens together, laughing and stuff.
At each summer's end, the family leaves the summer home to go to the city, to their real home, Rebecca at boarding school, Morgan in the public educational system of the town. At each summer's beginning, the family returns, both of the girl's one year older.
At seven years old, the girls are playing a game of Prince and Princess. Morgan being the Prince and Rebecca being the Princess. They have to get married, at Rebecca's insistence. So they do. They have to have a honeymoon, where Morgan takes Rebecca by the hand to a certain tree. She pushes her against the tree, in a hidden spot, and kisses her. They run off to beside the lake, where a butterfly lands in Morgan's palm. Rebecca tries to touch it but Morgan urges against such a thing, for fear of hurting the butterfly. They watch it for awhile. Once it leaves, Morgan tells Rebecca that she is her butterfly, because she goes away every year (like the butterfly) and returns every summer. They tell each other I love you in a seven year old fashion, and call each other Butterfly, and they part ways.
That was the last they'd see of each other in nine years, neither knowing what had happened to each other.
Rebecca comes like usual to the summer home, once again missing her friend. She walks along the lake, thinking about her life, and then she hear's a noise on the water. A boat pulls up, and a sixteen year old Morgan steps onto the shore, hands in her pockets sullenly.
That's where I'll leave you for now, chicks. The story continues later. You'll find out why Morgan was gone for nine years, and what else will happen too.
I spent all morning coughing up blood and trying to stem the bleeding from my nose.
This is what constitutes of my life. I have no one.
I am no one.
I feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out for a very long time.
Even now I can't possibly express anything.
My stomach is trying to eat me. I'm wandring round like the general B'day.
Look at my shit and smile fuckers. I am so happy with my new profile, because it expresses many things.
Damn dude. Twelve year old's sporting the 'gothic' look and thinking that they're fucking awesome because they can spout off bull shit, "I'm depressed, I want to kill myself, NO (HAHA) I don't want to cyber..." Fuck, I'm never letting my children get that stupid.
First of all, they are twelve. What the hell do they know of sexual encounters, and anyone who attempts it, you fucking whack ass, it's a twelve year old.
Second, gothic? Does anyone really know what gothic is? No, it's not wearing black or any of the other fifty helpful signs (Including being gay), it's a lifestyle as well as a state of mind. I don't like gothics, they are generally snobby, sporting their eighteenth century wears, and I really don't like fashion-goths. My message to anyone sporting 'gothic' is, FUCK YOURSELF. In the eye, using, I don't know, pepper spray for lubricant. I know it's a lame sentence, but fuck, shut the hell up.
I want to cut myself, I'm so depressed and suicidal. If you're really suicidal, you most likely would NOT talk about it. You most likely would have been hospitilized for trying to kill yourself. That or you'd be dead. So to all those fourteen and ups who are goddamn morons, stop bitching and whining. It's called cutting. Who the fuck cares.
I certianly don't.
Cutting is a form of release, blood-letting, pain. Much like fat people eat. Are fat people going to go around saying, "I'm depressed, I'm gothic, I'm suicidal, so I'm trying to give myself heart disease."
How aboot, no. They're going to hide it. I sympathize more with someone who struggles with weight problems than a cutter. Cutting is hardly dangerous. It's actually a rather tame form of self-mutilatio
Apparently there are people in love with me.
How aboot, no.
I have to go hold Calix. I think he is feeling lonely in his new shirt. I have a sudden inspirational thing to do with it too, if I can find Lara's Sharpies.
This is the strangest of days, truly it is.
I am rather confused at the moment.
I am suddenly overwhelmed with these feelings that I've harbored deep inside of me, for like so long, and they're all just clawing at me to get out.
Literally, they use their claws.
Fortunately, they are made of fluff, these claws, so they don't hurt.
Calix is wearing a shirt.
I fucking need sleep. I have no access to it though, I have to do work. WORK SLAVE WORK.
Earth Child
I was walking in the Valley of the Kings, or so it was called locally. I often went down there to think and sleep in the forest, or by the river, though it was considered dangerous by many, because the path was long and windy, miles away from people. The day was very hot, the sun beating down on my back mercilessly. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but I was sweating profusely by the time I got down to the actual canyon. Another ten minutes and I was by the river. There was a sheer cliff face bordering it on one side, and then the beach. The river there was mild, with small rapids that were fun to slide down. I sat for a moment, catching my breath, dizzy and hot from the sun, from walking so much. The river looked so cool and inviting though. Disregarding modesty, I stripped of my sweat-saturate
I ran to the water's edge and slipped into the cool water with nary a ripple. The cool water on my hot body felt so good, suddenly I was refreshed and energetic rather than fatigued. Feeling new vigor, I kicked about in the clear water happily, letting the new energy I suddenly felt wash through me.
I spent about an hour swimming about, lying in the sun for awhile, jumping off of rocks. I was purely happy. I still wanted to swim but I needed a break, so I slid out of the water onto the slimy rocks and found a purchase, sitting above everything and panting lightly. The sun glinted off the water prettily and the sun felt really warm against the rock, absorbing in my skin. I looked out at the surrounding forest, admiring the greenery. I thought I saw a deer, a slight flash of movement, and I craned my head to see. On closer expection though, I saw not a deer, but a human! A person, walking, down here? It could happen but I had never encountered anyone here before. I felt violated, like my secret spot had been spoiled. I was about to slip into the water, when this person walking through the woods made themselves visible.
For one thing, it was a she, and she was naked. Completely. No shoes, no anything, except for what I could see bits of jewlery. She was walking quite casually, smiling. I felt myself blush in spite of everything. Maybe she was a hippie kid? Wandering the woods perhaps, stoned or on some other drug, absorbing nature? The girl walked over the shore, past my disgarded clothing and straight into the water. I watched her quite easily swim across the river to my rock. As she got closer, I could make out more of her features.
Long, very rich brown hair that flowed behind her in the water like a veil. Pale skin that was like alabaster in the water, long, strong limbs. She swam closer, still smiling, going below the water for awhile and popping back up again. She got to the base of the rock. I stared at her, in awe really. She was beautiful. She had large, cat-like eyes that were regarding me with an almost alien intelligence, what was strange though is that they were purple. Really purple, like violet, ringed with a dark blue, and then another ring of pure sapphire. Her full mouth was smiling, showing off her perfectly straight white teeth, pretty red lips, almost like what a rose would look like if it could blush. She was perfectly formed, more beautiful than any model I had ever seen or drawing that anyone could do.
I realized I was staring, but the girl didn't do anything. She kicked her legs in the water, holding onto the rock with only her fingers gently. She bit her lip, eyes sparkling. "Hi. What are you doing?" She asked brightly. Her voice was like a little girl's but not. Innocent and flirtatious, but very woman-like.
I cocked my head involuntarily. "I'm... swimming." Confusion was filling up in me like carbonation in a closed bottle, the only thing that stopped me from exploding was realization. It kept building and building while I stared at her, my eyebrows knitting together in concentration. The girl just smiled, looking perfect, like a statue, not saying anything. Then it hit me. I was attracted to her! She exuded something so incredibly sexual that it was disturbing almost. All she had done was say hi and it felt like she had touched me in the most secret of places where no one can reach. Two things happened at once. As the realization hit me, my features betrayed my thoughts. My concentrated expression just collapsed and I became dumbfounded. At that exact moment, the girl slid out of the water and over the rock, lying on top of me fully, her mouth on mine, kissing me! Fireworks, earthquakes, the Apocolypse, it was everything. It was like falling in love every second of every moment. Just pure and unadulterated feeling. I could say it was happiness, or amazement, but nothing could justly describe the emotion.
The girl was pressed against my body, and like being awakened, I could feel every part of her. The chilled but so smooth wet skin against mine, the only thing seperating us our clothing. I wanted to rip off all of my clothes and close that gap, but the girl was on top of me and I couldn't move.
Very gently, she opened my mouth with a lick of her tongue against my lower lip, like a secret key to a secret door, I opened my mouth and she let herself in. With a lover's care, she kissed me, and it was like nothing I had ever experienced. We were one being, we just were.
Then, just as suddenly, after this explosive and passionate moment, the girl rolled over, staring at me and laughing, her bare breasts in the light prettily. I just stared at her, totally amazed, too stunned to do anything but look.
The girl stretched her body out on the rock, sighing wistfully. She batted her eyelashes seductively. I looked down the length of her body unwittingly. She was perfect. All of her.
"I'm Gabrielle. You're my Earth Child, did you know?" She smiled, a purely happy look.
"Earth Child?" I asked, still too dazed.
Gabrielle rolled on her side, leaning her head on her hand, looking at me with intensity.
"Yes, you are my Earth Child and I'm your Bat with Butterfly Wings. You are Earth and I am sky. Did you know you were looking for me, and I for you?"
I tried to comprehend what she was saying. It was riddles, it was nonsense, there was too much going on.
"Bat..." I asked, staring at her. Gabrielle ran her finger along the edge of my bra, a curious look in her eye. Then she looked at me, eyes blazing. A secret smile on her face, she rolled over and brushed her hair from her back. Spanning the length of her shoulders was a tattoo of a bat, it's wings extended. It was perfectly normal, except for the fact that instead of the bat's skin on it's wings, they were colorful butterfly patterns of purple and green. The bat was looking at me intensely and it just felt familiar. I couldn't explain it, but then again, this was an odd day anyway. I touched it gently, almost expecting to feel the bat, but instead touching the soft skin of her back. Gabrielle rolled onto her side again, looking at me.
"What's your name?" She asked, biting her lip again excitedly.
"Astrid," I said quietly.
Gabrielle rolled over on her back and comprehended this, thoughts too quick for me to follow flashing in her eyes. "Astrid, Astrid, As-trid..." She tried the name out, playing with the sounds like a child would with blocks. She smiled delightedly.
I was going to ask her what did she mean by bat and earth child but then she kissed me again with the same intensity as before. I kissed her back and it was like magic. I was so absorbed that I didn't feel her reach behind and unhook the clips on my bra. With a delighted sparkle in her eye, she slid the thing from me, looking at my breasts that were now exposed to the air and water.
With an artists grace, her fingers traced the curve of my breasts delicately. I felt a shudder of pleasure by that. I was so confused though. Astrid traced her fingertip around my areola gently and I stifled a sigh of pleasure. Gabrielle cocked her head, staring hard, and then she smiled again, happily.
I looked down, wondering. "What, what is it?" I asked, curious and terrified for all unknown reasons to me. Gabrielle's eyes sparkled.
"The angel's kiss, we mirror each other. I knew it, I knew." Gabrielle kissed me again, pressing her body fully to mine. She pulled away, stroking my hair lovingly and whispering things I didn't quite understand. It sounded like another language, she was smiling at me though, holding me to her. I just let her, not knowing what else to do. She sighed suddenly, contented. "Oh, hold me, won't you Astrid?" She smiled again, amused by my name apparently, and turned on her side once more, pressing her body into the curve of mine, wrapping my hands about her body tightly. "Hold me, Astrid, hold me, sleep Astrid..."
I did as she asked, a feel of warm skin and this exotic, biting scent that made me feel tingly. I lay with her, feeling strange, but I closed my eyes anyway, and after a few minutes of listening to her breath quietly, fell asleep.
I woke up god-knows how much later, and it was dark. Gabrielle sat above me, looking at me with those intense eyes. I was naked, I felt cold, but strangely Gabrielle was clothed. Not in much though, she wore only this gauzy white material that covered enough for modesty, but left little to the imagination. You could see through it except for the fact that it was thickly layered over her breasts and hips. She was just looking at me, a thoughtful look on her face. Though it was night and I was practically nude, I didn't feel cold. I sat up, looking at her, smiling despite myself, wondering what was going on. I felt like this had been a dream, perhaps I was still asleep. Gabrielle handed me a thick cloth, it was black. It was the same material as she was wearing. I stood awkwardly with it in my hands, not knowing what to do with it. I felt cold stone beneath my feet and realized she had taken my shoes off while I was sleeping.
Gabrielle stood with me, eyes on me still intently. Oh so carefully, she slid my panties off of my hips, down my the length of my legs and once they reached my knee's, she tore them with strength she didn't look as if she possessed. The ruined cloth she tossed to the side. The cloth I was holding, she took from my hands. The cloth she wore fell around her like a crude dress or a toga, wrapping about her shoulders and her body, but it looked like angel's cloth. I stood, naked and shivering slightly from the strangeness, and let her wrap the black cloth about me. She started at my shoulder, wrapping it across my chest twice, wrapping it around my breasts three times so that there it was opaque, around my stomach, across my hips and butt three times, wrapping the cloth upward again so that it was tucked all around me. Though it was so see-through and the wrapping strange, it was surprisingly comfortable.
I looked at Gabrielle. Her hair was dry now, wavy, falling down to her waist. Mine was shorter, actually dyed blue. My skin, unlike Gabrielle's, was a rich brown from being in the sun. It looked like Gabrielle was never touched by it.
Gabrielle cocked her head, a strange smile on her face, a look in her eyes. Though it was dark, the moon illuminated our rock, bathing us both in pale light. Gabrielle raised her hand, I raised my hand to meet it, and then she raised her other hand, I did the same. We touched hands, intertwining fingers.
"You are my Earth Child. Like me, you're different." She kissed me firmly, biting my lower lip gently that made me shiver with want. My knees went weak and I felt like I couldn't hold myself up, Gabrielle being the only thing keeping me standing. When she pulled away though, I gasped, amazed.
Sprouted from Gabrielle's back were the wings like the ones on the bat tattoo. She flexed them in the light, smiling. I looked at her hands, her fingertips ending in sharp looking claws. I brushed her hair out of her face, and she smiled at my reaction to her delicately pointed ears, the neat, sharp looking little pointed canines. The entirety of her eyes had become swallowed up in blackness.
"What are you?" I asked, incredulous.
Gabrielle cocked her head curiously. With these new changes, she was more animal than human, and more graceful than both. She wrapped one large wing about the entirety of her body, hiding behind it. "I'm a bat with butterfly wings, I'm Gabrielle, I'm your Bat." She hid behind her wing even more, shy eyes regarding me. "You're my Earth Child, my lover, my companion." She whispered. As she said that, a slight breeze started up that was warm but it felt so strange. With a gasp of air, I felt as if something reached inside of me and pulling. It wasn't painful, it was a wonderful carress, but it was so strange, so alien. The breeze calmed and the pulling ceased.
I still felt like me, but I was suddenly aware of things I hadn't been before. For one thing, I could hear everything, the softest rustle in the grass across the river and I knew it was a mouse for how delicately it tread. I could see Gabrielle better too, every detail of her beautiful wings was illuminated to my newfound senses. I felt better, stronger, still me, but infinately more aware of myself.
Then I felt my tail twitch.
I looked down and like I would move my hand, my tail went in the air, twitching like a cat's. I touched it, amazed. It was like thick like a lion's, ending with a thick tuft of black silky fur, but the entirety of it was tawny gold. My hands! My hands were like paw's now, still human but now I had retractable claws, black things that could tear flesh and break bone. I touched my face, feeling nothing different, until I felt my ears. Cat's ears on either side of my face, still human but now like a lion's. I touched my teeth, finding large, curved canines that were set comfortably in my mouth as if they'd been their my entire life. I was so startled by all of it, my wings opened, catching a gush of air and almost knocking me backwards. I closed them quickly, without thinking about it, amazed at the instantaneous reaction. I touched them, feeling feathers. Silky soft feathers, but they were my feathers, on my back.
Gabrielle was watching me through all of this, still hiding behind her wing. Shyly untucking herself from it, like stepping out from behind a curtain or something, she folded her wing back, looking at me with a pleased look in her eye.
"What's going on? What am I?" I asked, unafraid, I felt so right, it all felt right. Strange but it felt perfectly alright. I was just so amazed.
Gabrielle shrugged, stepping closer to me. Carefully, as if wrapping her arms about me, she enclosed me in those wings of hers, our bodies close. "I don't know. I don't know what any of this is. You're my Earth Child though. I'm your Bat. I've felt you all of my life."
I felt Gabrielle's thumbs, not the ones on her hands, on the ends of her wings, playing with my hair nervously. I touched them, hooking one finger around hers, smiling and content.
Gabrielle leaned over and kissed me again. I kissed her back with vigor. Her tongue was neat and quick, the most intimate of things while mine was like a cat's, slow and carressing. I maneuvered my wings with little effort to enclose hers, so that we formed a circle of our bodies with us trapped inside. We held hands, kissing like that. It felt like a perfect eternity before Gabrielle stepped away from me again, and she was Gabrielle, not Bat. She blinked at me, smiling mysteriously. I looked down at my own body, I was me again as well, plain Astrid and not Earth child. I could feel everything though, my tail, teeth, wings, everything. I could still hear and see and smell everything around me, but I looked like Astrid.
I blinked and suddenly Gabrielle was Bat again. I watched her as the features that set her apart just kind of winked out of sight. One moment she'd be this almost alien thing of ferocious beauty, and then she'd be Gabrielle, and back again to Bat. I could always feel that otherness to her though.
I wondered if I could do the same. I concentrated on being different, being Earth Child. My secret features became substantial again, I was Earth Child. Gabrielle laughed and touched my forehead, tugging a bit. I reached up and touched two horns on either side of my forehead, small ones, but horns none the less. It was strange but it just felt correct. I flared my nostrils, taking in the pure pine scent of the woods, the rich purity of the water, I could smell the Earth, animals, vegetation, and more overpowering than all of that, I could smell Gabrielle. Something very feminine and alluring, but I could also smell Bat. Something powerful, ancient and very, very sexy.
I grabbed Gabrielle in both of my clawed hands by the hips, smelling her excitement, a chemical change in the air really. I pulled her close and she nuzzled my cheek very cat-like. Deep in my throat a rumbling started. I was surprised for a moment before I realized I was purring. Before either of us could react, I kissed her deeply.
We held each other tightly, and there was a small thought in the back of my mind...
I was Earth Child, and I had found my Bat with Butterfly Wings.
Oh to be loved, and yet not. The circle turns, the circle turns. Going from feeling as if I have all the love I can handle, now feeling as if I have none of it. I have no one. One day, everyone will leave me, and I will be left with my sad memories.
Ceci now has kj. It'll happen. I know it will. I will be on the outside once again. Gay. Strange.
Amanda once again ruins my life with intervening. It upsets me that she knows so much about me, she has so many pieces of me and she's squeezing them painfully all at once, making them bleed and crack. So I fall to my knees and agree to do anything she wants. Not anymore though, not anymore. I'm standing up to her, even though there's blood gushing from my eyes and I feel like I cannot stand up against her, I'll do it.
I'm taking back the pieces of my life, one by one. I have gotten them from Garrett finally. It's mine again. Which means I have the capacity to love again. I've gotten them mostly back from Emily, she still keeps a few on a string round her neck, but they will be mine again. I will look upon her with pity, not sadness. Mira, though it's far and difficult, I am getting them back.
So what do I do with these new pieces of me that I have recently attained? I give them away again.
Fuck Roxxy, what kind of idiot are you?
You knew, you told yourself, it would never happen, it won't happen, you know it'd never happen.
She's proved it to you too.
Spend the night awake, wondering if she'll look at the letters, the blog, and if she had, you'd know and feel good, but she didn't. Now you're humiliated, horribly so, because that piece of hope has died.
Instead she went to see what the boy wrote, as she should. I'm happy for it, but I'm still the friend.
Just a friend, like everyone I know.
I HAVE SO MANY FUCKING GODDAMN FRIENDS! I have so many. Most of whom see me as someone apart, different from the rest, special, but not a single one knows or understands what I wish I could have.
I just want my Bat. I want her to love me as I love her already.
Is there even a Bat out there? Will I spend my life suffering long, chasing after a bit of smoke?
I haven't seen even a glimpse of her yet. Not like I've seen anything except for my own backyard, but in all the people I've met, not a glimpse.
Except for the unknown, the alien, the people that venture beyond my backyard. That beautiful woman with the all the tattoos and the cute bathing suit with the skirt. What a paradox. Wearing an adorable little old-lady bathing suit, and yet wore a full sleeve of tattoos, and more on her back and lower back. She had two young gorgeous girls, such precious creatures. She was beautiful. I saw the Bat within her. Butterfly wings? Maybe.
My winged horse, prancing in circles, going in and out of my vision, a mirage? My box, a great impenetrable thing, swirling dark with bits of red, the orchid, the ladder...
How strange it is that everything had changed in the past couple years but my friends. Nothing has changed about my friends. Nothing at all. It was still the same sturdy ladder that was perfect and it leaned against my box. It was the same old ladder, not decaying, looks almost freshly made, hand-made...
I am going to drive myself fucking nuts if I think too hard about all of this bull shit. That's what it is too, it's bull shit. ALL OF IT.
BULL SHIT.
MY FUCKING BAT, I NEED YOU.
I need her, I need her more than anything I've ever wanted.
I need my mice, and my dog.
I NEED THEM.
Yet I am denied. I had momentary glimpses of my fucking happiness. I had The Lord, my most holy of treasured possessions, and within a day he escaped from me and died. I cried more about that damn fucking mouse than I had my friend's father dying, who had been like a dad to me.
Why? Because I don't trust people. No matter how much I loved him, I loved her, I love everyone, I don't trust people. Animals are easy to trust. An animal will not try to hurt you emotionally.
I had a fleeting glimpse of happiness. I had fucking Emily. Emily who was my world, my treasured possession, my love, my life! For an entire week, I was blissfully happy, I had nothing in the world that could have made me happier than Emily. One weekend we're apart and she works up the courage to tell me that her mother despises me and thinks I shouldn't hang out with her daughter, her perfect excuse to run into the arms of her darling Jesii. SHE FUCKING KISSED HIM WHILE MY HEART WAS BREAKING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. That girl has no guilt, no fucking shame over anything. I HATE HER. I HATE HER.
Ever since then, I've had nothing.
I am empty.
People wondered why I had wanted a mouse so badly.
My still happiest memory of my life when hanging out with a friend is out on that damn paddle boat, after being warm on beer and giddiness of success. Slipping into the water, successfully not catching my skull on the fish hook dangling above me, and swimming about, my breasts practically in my eyebrows.
But that's okay.
The only thing I regret is the fact that I drowned a worm. *Sniffs*. Poor wormy. I love you wormy.
I am so sad that that squirrel got hit. If I had been driving, I would have pulled over, run across the highway, and took the little thing to a vet's office to try and see if they could help it, or maybe just put it out of it's misery. No though, I don't even know whether it's alive. Oh heartfelt misery!
*Sigh*.
Oh well.
Here's where I get my 'Bat'. It's the song of my heart, the song of my love. MM, I love it.
I awoke the dawn
Saw horses growing out the lawn
Ah ah .....
I glimpsed a bat with butterfly wings
Oh what marvelous things
Ah ah....
Dark night...hold tight, and sleep tight
My baby
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
I followed a rabbit
Through rows of mermaid entwined Shrubbery
Ah ah....
Oh what marvelous things but, they are, they are, they are
Giving me the creeps
Dark night...hold tight, and sleep tight
My baby
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
Oh...lying in the sun
Everday feeling all of the magic in life
You might find the wonder.....
Dark night...hold tight, and sleep tight
My baby
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
Morning light...shall burst bright
And keep us here safely
Ah ah.....
Ah, I think, glorious thoughts. Secret, but glorious.
FOUR FUCKING DAYS! MY LICENSE SHALL BE MINE!
I love you Cecil B. you're my love nacho, goodness me.
Hello Amelia Salisbury, have you seen Margaret Chamberlain? I believe she's gone off the pot again.
Chipped I tell you, chipped.
Whooha.
Damn, but do I like women.
Yes, I do.
Of course, I hate most of the population because of this or that (Probably because I just don't know them, those that I do, I don't like many), which includes women, and lesbians as well. Fuck, the worst thing anyone could call me is a fucking dyke, not even in anger. I can take some ass hole calling me a dyke for this reason or that, but a dyke in any other form is NOT ME.
I hate lesbian culture in that sense. Womyn, boi's, femme's (Attracted to femme's actually...), blah blah blah... IT MAKES ME ANGRY! I am a woMAN. A GIRL. I do not posess some other fucking trait that sets me apart from the rest of WOMANHOOD. Just because I don't like men generally, and not at all sexually, doesn't mean that I am all of a sudden boi-ish in any way.
I am a romantic invididual, not much differen than your average lonely sixteen year old dreaming of the love of her life, it just so happens that I think the love of my life will be a woman, not a man.
So everything I do all of a sudden (By Aubrey...) is me being a fucking dyke. I spit on that.
Fuck that SHIT.
Ooh, Roxxy be mad something big.
Of course, this all has to do with that constantly changing mood thing I have.
Muahaha.
In the days after Philip's death, things are going rather well.
Suddenly I have the motivation to do everything. This is why school (Conventional school of any sort) is bad for me.
I love Phil so much, but I also know he's happier wherever he is, probably arguing with Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd and Charlie Chaplain in his charming ways. *Sighs*.
I was thinking about being gay (As I often do). Questioning it because that is my nature, analyze it to death and then freak out about the results, but every road points to fag! So I am pretty sure I'm gay. Right now, as always, the thought of female flesh makes my senses spin, in a sensual way.
If only...
Of course I can't voice that one thought.
Um, let me see, listening to Jay Gordon of Orgy sing Slept So Long, lovely song...
I was looking at all the people I've known over the past year and ninety percent of them are infantile bastards that I despise. Kind of sad.
I really hoped that they would look beyond my walls.
Fuck, the worst one yet, above all of them, is Garrett. Garrett whom I loved, who was the one block point between me and sanity really. He fucked up my life for three years. Now, I don't even know him, nor do I care. He's such a dick. It's difficult to look back on that part of my life and see how he manipulated and abused me the way he did. I let it happen, even after I came to a certain sense of self-actualiza
People wonder why I have such a hard time trusting anyone.
I think a certain part of it is fate though, being born under the sign of Virgo, shaping my personality through events seemingly random.
Of course, my Rising Sign is Leo, which I despise... I can't keep it under control, in my Virgo way, so more often than not my Leo side embarrasses me. *Sighs*.
How unfortunate.
I love gay girls.
I think that everyone in my weekly group (Now sadly ended) knows that I, Roxxy, am gay. Or at least the adults, my lovely counselor friend, Dennis maybe. And the people I already told. *Thinks*. It's just so easy to let it slip. Yet I'm nothing like the mold.
Jesus, I hate the CHILDREN that walk into group (It's basically a weekly discussion group on lots of subjects, which others abuse as time to talk about their boyfriends or amusing little stories they have about them, or family, or they bring their annoying little dogs to crawl all over the table because they're SOO CUTE *Vomit*), that abuse the system. I personally talk about the really big issues that weigh upon my thoughts. I bring up subjects that may make people uncomfortable, or may make them think, or I plainly tell them (Kind of) to shut the fuck up because what they say is irrelevant.
Why is it that I cannot meet someone else who does the same? There always seems to be a hidden agenda, a secret thought and motive that people won't let out.
So this means what? I'm not quite the typical girl, or the exceptional girl, I'm just unusual. And I'm certainly not a guy. Maybe I'm like Scotland. Oh, Scotland, how I love him so.... If only we didn't come from such seperate backgrounds. Like him being religious. If he was just a weird boy on his own and didn't mind dating.... He's just terribly perfect.
Sadness ensues.
Perhaps this is why I like Rane? But I don't even know Rane.
Fuck.
Recent celebrity crush: Eva Green. There's something about those fresh faced young pretty actresses that pull my attention in.
Okay, so I've been thinking about a great many things, especially myself and my position in life, but mainly I've been thinking about people.
Ahh, Scotland. Scotland is one of the few men I actually approve of without criticism. One of the few people I approve of without criticism. I like him very much. If I liked men, I'd even have a crush on him. Which I do, in a puppy crush sort of way. Why? Because I tend to be attracted to the highly unavailable types. He's deathly religious and doesn't even believe in dating until he's looking for a marriage partner.
My answer to that, I'm always looking for my soul mate. The one romance in my life. I am a total romantic, I don't do anything casually (Not anything, you could ask the victims of my crushes), so I look for that soul mate in everyone I see. It could be the girl I see on the internet, just messaging them with odd comments, it could be anyone really. Sure there's a lot of people who are freaked out by the depth in which I think (Fuck, I've never met anyone who actually does think like me...), but one of these days I'm going to meet that girl that just takes me heart away with that smile...
Shit, the thing I'm paranoid about though is that I get rather goofy when I think about girls. Sure I can write the most beautiful things to them, but when I'm actually with this person, I can't stop grinning and suddenly I revert to thirteen again. I know I'm going to meet this wonderful person that I am absolutely crazy about, and I know I have it in me to make this other person see me for all that I am, but I get nervous, then I talk on and on about shit, randomly interjecting weird little things like, "You do know that the only reason I'm rambling on like this is because I want to kiss you, right?".
So you see, I am a fukkup.
*Grins*
A happy one though. Happy and blissfully self aware. The only thing I really need in my life at the moment is a car and my damn license.
Then I can maybe go out and find that girl that's waiting for me somewhere.
If she's truly right for me, I will finally live out that lifelong dream of going backpacking with my lover across Europe. Find an apartment in San Francisco maybe? Go to acting school.
Ah, to act. I am quite excited over upcoming drama lessons in Sierra College, but I see these plays and films that these people create and I'm thinking a thousand times bigger. Is it wishful thinking? Is it arrogance? Or is it just that drive and the knowledge that I was a big fish in a small pond. This is literally a tiny place to live in. Huge expanses of land, very little people in it. Most of which I cannot relate to.
Which is why I smoke the dope, drink the drink, poison myself! Because it's all just so easy to slip into the terribleness of life that threatens to knock someone down everyday.
*Thinks* You know, I really don't even like alcohol. Or cigarettes. Pot is my drug of choice, and that's only for winding down or winding up. Pot does crazy things to me. Why do I do them then? Because occassionally it's nice, and more often, it's the situation...
I rarely smoke cigarettes by myself, and even when around others, I don't really drink. When I do get drunk, I love it. The actual process, not my thing.
Marijuana though. That's nice.
But I'm drifting off subject.
All my love,
Roxxy
I am happy! I am joyous! I am free, finally I have broken the bondage of my mind and opened to the happiness that resides within me. I don't know what it was about my dark little mood, but it has finally gone away and I am happy once again, no doubting, no expectations, ah, freedom....
I've been like this since forever, but at least for today, I doubt nothing, I'm not hung up on anyone, and I don't give a shit.
Yay for me.
Prom was lovely, but horrible as well, because I had expectations which I fulfilled, and also the disappointment
I don't know why I told Emily that I was sad because I saw her with Jesii and I couldn't have her. I didn't mean that. What I meant is that I'm lonely as hell and she's the closest thing I've ever come to love, so why can't I be jealous for a bit, watching everyone else be happy while I'm stuck?
Then there was that whole thing with my small group making out with each other (Male Jesii and gay friend Jeff, gay-girl Jessi and Emily), making out with each other at MY suggestion and me being left out. Yup. That's how it works for me. Because I'm FUCKED.
Then they all coaxed me into dancing, so it was okay... except I was distracted by the fact I wasn't hanging out with my prom date, and that I looked like shit... Um, let's see, what else? Oh yes. That in my small group of friends, everyone seemed to prefer each other over me. Yup. Dates went with their dates! Me? I ignored mine. Not on purpose. I just knew it would happen like that though. Not quite, but still.
I have a date and I'm worried whether it will actually happen or not........... You see, when I try to get into a relationship with anyone of a romantic manner, it turns out to be FUCKED up, just like I am.
Because I'm quite fucked up, but who cares anyway, no one ever reads this trash anyway that I spew out...
Why I write this and hope for someone to read it, I don't know. Possibly because I am just that lonely, waiting for someone to read this and feel bad enough to say hi and truly wonder about my life. Because I'm a pathetic child.........
Half the people I'm supposed to be friends with don't even care, so why should some internet stranger?
I was sitting there, calling everyone I really wanted to talk to in my little phone book, and they all had to go or weren't there. I sat there and nearly sobbed. So I did the next best thing and I called Garrett, who didn't make me feel much better, but at least he cares...
That's why I'm still stuck on him. Because he cares about me at least comparitavely to everyone else in my life.
Sure there's my family, but I'm upset with them because my younger sister is still that, younger, a child, my sister, how the hell could she understand or sympathize with what I'm going through? I don't need to lay down my burdens upon her when she's still figuring out puberty. I can't tell my mom, why the hell would I tell my mom? She too has her own stresses and would give me some sentimental, motherly advise, dribble and snot... Her opinion of things she doesn't understand. Alex, well, Alex doesn't quite care for me, and I don't care for her. My dad.... That's a laugh. He's too concerned being a father to some sixteen year old rape victim to ever be concerned with his own sixteen year old. That and talking to his internet girlfriends. Quite pathetic, my dad can land a girlfriend that calls him all the time, but I can't. By the way, did I mention my parents were still married, which just contributes wholly to the stress of this goddamn environment...
I find peace only in sleep... There my dreams are realized.
Fuck, my dad goes on about how he wants to get me a new car, and yet now he's talking about taking a loan out for Alex. Always fucking Alex, never me. Sure, they're working hard to get me my license, but that was owed to me. I've waited long enough, almost a year of waiting around for them to get their act together, and my sister nags them enough and she gets whatever she wants. Fuck.
I could have just bought that Bug I fell in love with, 1,000 dollars, I had it in my hand, I could have bought it, and yet I didn't, because my dad was a prick and pushed his fatherly instincts on me...
I hate being in this restricted environment.
Track 9 of the Dresden Dolls is perfectly suited to my environmental feelings.
Such as this growing headache.
Wishing Mira would care.
Yes, wishing Mira would care. A phantom, a fantasy. No one to me, me, no one to her.
I could cry right now if I didn't know my tears would be for nothing. Why waste it just on me, indulging in a little cry? A lot of people will blame this on PMS, whatever, but nope, this is my state of BEING. Whenever I lie, they believe the maybe a little sad but happy girl, because then they won't have to deal with all of my fears and worries. because I'm the only one who cares about them!!!!!!
My fears and worries include my friends. I try to extend the friendship, try to be there for someone, and they fucking reject me. Even in friendship. I'm a fuck up when it comes to every goddamn relationship. Maybe I should have just stayed with Garrett, but no, that would turn out horribly, because Garrett is a controlling sex-maniac prick and I broke up with him in the pursuit of happiness.
The only advise I've gotten is, "A lot of people feel like you do."
Isn't that fucking great?
Shit, how many times do I hear people say, "If only I were gay, I would totally date you Roxxy." Or "You're beautiful Roxxy..." How many times do I hear that and yet from the people it matters most from the words are empty...
We are too restricted by our inhibitions. I'm restricted by my fantasies. Fantasies of someone, anyone caring for me the way I care for almost everyone.
I feel sick..........
Aubrey always says she's going to call me later while she's sleeping and suddenly three weeks later I hear from her.
Mira always says she might call me back and then a few weeks or months later, I hear from her, in a one line e-mail or something.
Emily tells me she's writing me a letter, makes all the flourishes and really trusses it up to make it look nice, and it contains whatever she did in class that day.
I write Mandy some of my most intimate moments, caught on paper, I write the most beautiful things to Mandy, most of the time I don't even warrant a response.
I don't belong here. I don't know where I belong. I'm scared to leave here though. I just know this doesn't suit me. It hurts me, these people... These people who aren't quite real.
God, I was vomiting and I didn't even warrant any pity.
Now that has got to be pathetic.
I miss Jeff... Tyler... people quite far and yet so near. I suppose it might change with my license... I suppose...
I should call Rane.
I don't really want to though. It would only be depressing.
Poor guy, he's probably been waiting for weeks...
*Sigh*.
I don't think he quite understand though.
I really don't want anyone to read this and think that I'm just some depressed little restricted teenager. I'm not repressed. I'm just fucked up. All of this is inflicted upon me by me.
I am just getting everything out that I keep within.
Urgh... yesterday I felt like vomiting I was so sick. Not with stomach troubles, but with sinus fucked up-ed-ness. Hopped up on Dayquil (Which made me drowsy), and now my throat is hurting and I sneeze on occassion, I feel disgusting. A shower sounds good in about three minutes.
Yesterday, I don't know how I felt. Just BAD. For no apparent reason. I kept on thinking that I kept myself from being normal. I was preventing myself from feeling as if I belong. Questioning it, dissecting it, analyzing my results with tears in my eyes. Why? Because I'm fucked up.
My prom date looks beautiful in her dress. I don't think I told her that enough. She's going to be the prettiest date at the prom, with the weirdest...
I am going to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in a very long time. Of course I'm going to have unrealistic expectations and disappoint myself when I actually arrive, but I'll be distracted enough hopefully that I won't truly give a shit.
*Cough cough*
Ugh.
Prom is tomorrow and I cannot wait. As well as the Mayfair. I want to purchase a svord. A sword sounds lovely. I've already got an athame, and a hefty dagger (If it's a dagger, it's huge), as well as a few hunting knives laying around. Oh, and that other dagger I purchased from Chinatown. Should have bought a sword though. Should have... but didn't. Lara was going to buy a pair of samuri blades but me mumsy wouldn't let her. I think I might try to duck out of my official greeting duties. Shirk them entirely. Because I'm sick, I need to do homework, and I just don't want to do them.
I need to lie down and rest all day, otherwise I'll be an irritable bitch at prom.
*Listens to Dresden Dolls with pleasure*. Sometimes I don't want to listen to them at all, and I can't believe I actually bought the disk, but then I am in moods like this one and it's the perfect CD to be listening to. perfect.
I'll be fending for myself now.
Anti-flag is neato.
Not like anyone reads this anyway, but I tend to leave my thoughts all over the internet, so who cares? Alrighty, alright, alrighty-o. Thinking about a great many things, Mira for one, Emily for another, the future girlfriend love of my life in the end. I had a rather provocative dream last night that seemed to manifest my desire for a girlfriend in the form of Emily, in a pleasing, but not pleasing way. Because Emily, unfortunately, is the closest I've come to that kind of happiness. She made me happy, yes, but she also makes me miserable. I love to listen to her heart beating, but I would rather hear the steady throb of her heart with my ear pressed against bare flesh, a lover's embrace rather than in a bear hug, me lifting her up, her giggling, and such and such.
My, my I can be dramatic sometimes (Thinks this as I read my older diary entry). I don't know. These, are my inward thoughts that I think people should read to get to know me better, see what my thought pattern is like, but they don't. For reasons I suspect, but are still quite unknown.
I wish I had time to call a certain someone whom I have not spoken with in a very long time.
I wish I were PURE.
At the moment my chest is giving me aches. That's kind of gay.
Speaking of gay, I've been going through huge doubts when I'm in the Virgo state of mind about whether or not I really am gay or not, but then when I'm in my element, I have no doubt in my mind. I know exactly how my life is going to end up. Sadly enough, I might hurt my future lover at one point by having a tragic affair with some man, get pregnant by him, rethink things and return to the love of my life if she'd accept me. Of course I wouldn't do it if I thought she might reject me for the rest of my life, but this is a romantic fantasy everyone. It's my biggest wish in life, to find that one. I asked Aubrey about where she thought I'd be in five years, and she said I'd be with my life partner. Oh god I hope that's true.
That would be worth all the torture I put myself through now.
Aubrey's going to join the Peace Corp. Me? I'm going to probably move in with Ceci for awhile, travel a bit while going to college for my own enjoyment and future moving on to a bigger college, spend a summer in Europe backpacking, find my luvver... Visit Rane at one point before then. As well as Mira. I do plan to visit her, sooner or later, even if I'm apprehensive about it. I think it would be marvelously adventurous of me. A step outside the box that is me being nervous about being away from home at any length of time with certain people.
Eww. My mother just said the erectile-dysfu
Oh Christ Jesus.
I miss my Flapjack. I can't wait to see her tomorrow at Groop. Yaya! Even though the girls in group are generally half wits that I would like to beat with a large stick so that they might just grow up a tiny bit.
Unfortunately, they don't have the potential to do so.
Love everyone who might be reading this,
Roxxy
I am terrible confused about everything at the moment kiddies, not like there's anyone to read this anyway. *Sighs*. On the left foot, I screwed up with my license getting (Forgot my permit in the other car) and couldn't get a print-out copy because the DMV are Satan's minions. I got my tuxedo which is a plus, but I'm also having horrible doubts over it because I am a crazy mother fucking Virgo, constantly doubting worrying and being upset. I don't know how to open up to people sometimes. I seem to open up to the wrong people. I really don't want to be a Virgo at all, but rather retain my Leo like qualities even if I may be vain. Because it's much easier than moping around all the time.
I wish my head would not sear with such pain.
At least I'm not going to be weak and ask for medication or start smoking more, drinking more, whatever because of it. I'm actually considering not doing much of any of that stuff because I'm horribly worried about my internal life, the one I don't see, that may be rotting away as we speak. I want to be healthy, fit and happy for a very long time, not get diagnosed with holes in my brain and black on my lungs at thirty-two. I don't want to have to struggle with myself when I decide to have a child because I just can't put down that beer, or cigarette.
I wish I was everything I'm not.
I'm begging someone, anyone, to fucking help me. And all I hear is the distant and lonely sound of thunder rumbling in my fucking skull telling me there's no one out there who can help me at all.
Because no one really particularly wants to, and that's the truth. Not anyone I have access to at least. I could tell my family but that would result in conflict since I am at the moment conflicted with my family.
Oh jesus, this had better be a side-effect of going through puberty. If this shit is permanent I think I'll shoot myself in the head.
FUCK! The Punkfuck Kid is my alter ego, he has revealed himself to me. Oh shit man. I am his Angel and he is my Hate, we are both the same, and yet he's nothing.
It is no wonder that I do what I do.