Here is where I shall commit lots of verbal vomit so you're going to have to deal with that MMMMM'KAY?

So I'm taking this Advil allergy night shit right for my cold because whenever I get a cold my sinuses get all ick and I'm like, "NOOO," so I take medication in order to heal myself. But it's doing fucking weird things to my head.

I was up on the ladder and I got the slow nausea as I hammered away at the nails to be put in. I felt dizzy and I wanted to fall but I just sat there, lying against a beam and thinking that it was a most revolting feeling but also strangely right.

These past few days I've been in such an odd tripping dream land. My head is fucking fucked...

So to remedy this I take more medication.

I'm thinking about Sierra and every piece of me is screaming, 'RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!' but something is making me stay, probably logic and my sick sense of loyalty.

I like her, I love her, but she scares me.

I am terrified of my own girlfriend.

Her grandparents, amongst the rest of her family, now know of me, and my relationship to her, and I'm like, "NOOO".

But I'm standing in the middle of my house and though I am still the world spins around me faster and faster until it feels as if I'll vomit if it doesn't stop and the only thing that helps is to sit in the sunlight and bask there for awhile, eyes closed, cheek pressed against the cool tile on the porch, letting the world slow.

It's a difficult sensation, having all of your limbs being twisted and twisted but you know they're not. Driving is difficult too, much more than you can possibly realize.

I don't know what to do except to take it one day at a time and see what becomes of it.

Though that is making me icky and impatient. I'm not very patient when it comes to these kinds of things, I must know what's going to happen or it gets me anxious.

It's strange, me who wants to be in a relationship so bad is somewhat of a commitment phobic.

Fuck you....

Fuck you for the slow dripping sensation in the back of my skull, feeling as if my brain matter is sliding from my skull down into my spine....

FUCK YOU FOR QUESTIONING AND BEING INTERESTED!

Why the hell do you care? Why can't I just get drunk and fucked and lie down and vomit for all the ages...

Fuck.

Roxxy's not feeling well.

Oh dear goddish I am absolutely smitten as sin.

This girl, this wondrous girl, she likes me! Less amazing is that I like her and so it's going sooo slowly (Like four days, Jeez, so long) but I like her ever so much and there's all these pretty pictures in my head of her and I.

She likes bubble baths and snuggling real close in sleep, two of my secret small romantic fantasies.

Oh my.

I am just... amazed.

For years I've fallen for girls that do not like me, in fact they don't care much for me either way, I'm a platonic ken doll, they can tell all those pretty secrets of theirs to me and I will not go around and tell anyone. The only problem is that this Ken doll is in fact Barbie, lesbian barbie that tends to get the metaphorical boner for these girls. I want to love them so completely it's terrible to think about.

But... Sierra, she will accept all that I have to give her, and all I want to give her is happy things, things that will make her smile and laugh. She's got the most adorable laugh... *Sighs dreamily*. And she lisps like me so it's a happy thing.

Better still she won't hurt.

She's a vegetarian, she enjoys Milky Way chocolate bars, is very in tune with her sensitive side. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I see her cry for the first time because half the time I want to scoop her up anyway and hold her because I am that... smitten!

My lioness is purring loudly and snuggling close to her lioness and they're content with each other, dozing next to each other. She was born on the cusp of Leo and Virgo though so we have more in common than I percieved earlier. She is very much like me in fact and I have NO problem with that.

I like her SO much.

I was afraid of her at first because she was so very young and I didn't know whether I was jumping feet first into a puddle of shit but nooo... I'm drowning in the lovely blue of her eyes.

Every time I see her I have an uncontrollable urge to just touch her, which is translated into me holding her hand and playing with her fingertips, wrapping my arms about her shoulders and kissing her atop the head.

But truly I just want to kiss the girl, a good long kiss... That, would be marvelous. Because unlike the kisses I've recieved in the past, this would be a genuine and affectionate kiss.

I want to present her with a gardenia, so fragrant and beautiful and romantic. I want to hold it cupped in my hands and be the humble presenter of such a pretty thing, because I know for a fact that I am an unworthy vessel to present it to her.

A flower, such a beautiful and complicated thing...

*Sighs drearily*. 

I don't know about Bat but I do know that Sierra is a Butterfly, a brightly colored, beautiful thing that entices the romantic and playful side of me deeply.

Jeez, I'm gone guys, someone shoot me before it gets really bad.

*Curls up in computer chair feeling reserved*.

Today should be a happy day...

Construction was short, though H reprimanded me, and then I went home and chilled quite peaceably, picked Mark up and bought LOTS of alcohol, but then I went to the play.

I hurt so bad...

Mr. Chollet I think regrets not casting me. Is he seeing my full potential? Is he mad at me? What the hell is it, why won't he talk to me, look at me like he used to...

I am working on mourning the death of things. Mourning my molestation, mourning my silencing, mourning my losses of mentors.

I miss Phil. If he were here I could curl up with him and we'd watch an old flicker picture and discuss the dynamics of the actual movie. 

If I could act... If I could walk across that cheap stage and show them all the real true me. Not by the character I play but how I do it...

If only I could let this all out and be listened to.

I am surrounded by people that are horrible and I feel this great void begin in me where all of my confident feelings where I know I'm more accomplished than any of those bitches, where I live and love and be free and happy, but then I encounter...

Repression, shame, despair, sorrow... Take your pick.

Today should be a happy day. I got a date. With someone who I'm sure will go on it this time.

I like the girl, really I do, but she's so young...

All the while the dancing eyes of Emily and that soft mouth of hers is on my mind.

Or of a thousand other girls!

There are many things that I must be aware of about my date, adorable as she is. 

I hardly know her very well, though she is lovely. Sierra, she has a lisp and she's cuuute. But still, she's fifteen and she just now is trying out the whole bisexual skin. With me! She had a crush on me... *Laughs*.

So we're going laser tagging and such, wandering around the dark corridors...

I don't know. I don't know what it is but I just cannot get into this shit right now.

What I feel like I want is a cigarette, a couple actually, get that haunted feeling out of me.

Why is it that I still care about her?

WHAT THE FUCK?

*Bangs head repeatedly against imaginary emotional walls*.

I am so beaten up, abused, used and tired... and I am SICK of these little girls that are finding their sexuality and fucking each other and giggling even though they don't know shit.

I KNOW WHAT PAIN IS.

The heart hurts worst of all...

FUCK.

I present to every little girl that has had sex with her so beautiful best friend that though I am very much a lesbian, my attempts at relationships have burned and failed miserably. They do the 'aww' thing and hug me and say, "Oh silly Roxxy."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I AM TIRED OF THEM.

I am sick of these people... so stupid, trowel feeding morons that are a dime a dozen. THEY GET SO MUCH ATTENTION. Fuck.

I don't even know what to do, I should be so happy that I'm going on a date with Sierra but I just can't bring myself to it tonight. She's so young...

I DON'T KNOW.

She's not the type I'm generally attracted to on impulse, though I am impulsively attracted to everyone, I'm just being negative.

Oh god I'm starting the fault finding.

She's really adorable, yes. I don't know...

So why can't I stop thinking about all those wonderfully beautiful girls in my mind. *Holds hands over ears, trying to block them out*.

Why did my heart leap when my one and only darling girl FINALLY sent me a message after months of not hearing from her even though she never, ever acknowledges me as anything... but pond-scum.

I have sunk to the level of pond-scum.

I HATE ALL HAPPY COUPLES.

FUCK.

FUCK THEM ALL.

Fuck me for being so unright. What the hell is it with me? I'm not right, not fucking right. I don't look correct, I don't act correct.

I am not ugly, I am not a horrid individual, I'm just NOT RIGHT.

I'm so fucked up.

Even now I'm thinking that I want to tear into something, cloth, flesh, wood, whatever, I'm thinking that... but in that process I'll be thinking about Bat, calming me, holding me, knowing me...

THEY DON'T FUCKING GET IT, NONE OF THEM DO!

I am such a happy individual, really I am, but in matter's of my heart of heart's...

Oh god...

FUCK.

FUCK THEM THOSE BASTARDS.

Dread dread and fear. I just have to open that window and I have to read, confront, and accept whatever it is Aubrey has to say.

I hate her for doing this to me.

I hate her entirely, she's so disgusting.

I'm so afraid...

I don't even really care that the friendship is gone, what matters to me is that she is... disgusting.

I can't say it either way though, she hurts so bad. A wound that never will heal because Aubrey does not believe the things I say.

WHY DO I LIE SO MUCH?

Because at heart I do serve, I am a righteous server, forever bearing the burdens of others even though it tears at my heart.

Especially the people that hurt the worst....

I wrote her a long and elegant message explaiing my feelings and asking for her to trust me. I don't care though, Aubrey won't get it, only I will, but she'll look at me with the same eyes as she always did. Little confused Roxxy...

Fuck.

Oh but have I been wondering lately...

I had a kind of fight this morning with one of my best friends Becky. We were both frustrated and she wasn't feeling well and she totally murdered my good mood. I was angry and glaring at her, she at me, we didn't say anything.

Though I love Becky her tendency for honesty get mixed up with her believing she can say whatever she wants and it is 'TRUTH'. Center-of-the-world-complex, but like me, she just wants to help everyone, she thinks everyone in the realm of touch is her responsibility. Unlike her I know how to dissasociate myself from such feelings that I know are unhealthy, but she just freaks out about them and trivializes my thoughts and feelings.

I was prepared to walk away forever from the entire thing, tuck that bit of information into my head and bring it up again for later review. Becky though surprised me and gave me the one thing I always want from a friend.

SHE CAME TO ME.

No words needed to be exchanged. Becky walked to me, opened her arms and we embraced as close friends do. We held each other tightly before she said something like, "This is kind of retarded". I understood her entirely.

Then I just had to kiss her forehead, cheeks and nose because that's what I wanted to do.

I am calm now that the book reading has calmed.

I've been reading for hours... but I'll be back later.

More word vomit, goddamn Roxxy you're on a roll.

Odds bopkins I'm tired. I've wrung out the emotional rag, the tears have fallen, and now I'm trying to catch my breath. Really, it's like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can finally lie back and relax. 

This has been building up about all month. It'll continue I'm sure, but for now I can rest. At least for a little while.

Pisces does not allow for a rest though, little four year old 'Roxy' needs to be heard.

*looks at the old spelling of my name*.

Roxy is gone, Roxxy is in her place. The name Roxy scares me actually. She was ugly, not liked, stupid, confused. Roxxy is self-assured, confident, humorous, adult.

Roxxy is who I am, I can never revert back to Roxy.

Now I'm really getting sick...

It's amazing how real raw emotions, your receptor cells getting flooded with really disgusting pain, can make you feel physically ill. And you darlings that are reading this at the moment, let me tell you, I feel sick to my stomach.

This is how I felt when I read darling Miranda's diary entry on llllllove. It was all about the confusion surrounding love, something I had experienced when I was in the seventh and eighth grade. It made me truly ill that someone so beautiful, so truly stunning could be so naive and selfish.

I'm not much to look at, I don't catch the eye like some certain indvidual's do. Sure I could doll myself up, which might be nice, it could improve my self confidence, but why can't I be gorgeous wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt? Everyone's always going on about my looks...

Fuck.

Mr. Chollet especially made me uncomfortable with that. I had to wear a salmon pink monstrosity (AKA my business suit which made me look like I was about forty something) for the play, "Crimes of the Heart" as the highpower woman lawyer defending Babe. Mr. Chollet said that I hid under my clothes and that some individual's were commenting on how lovely I looked, with my hair out of my face, with my legs long looking and such.

Fuckers.

Everyone's always trying to change me so the rest of the world will notice me. Well, I'm going to continue to be who I am, because I don't need to strive for the attention of other people.

One of these days, you'll all see my true self, and I hope that it is something so beautiful and radiant that it will bring tears to your eyes. I'm not the average girl, I'm below standards for beauty, but I can put an A+ on my soul. How about you?