Things are going so well right now, college, job, soon a car maybe... My girlfriend Sierra, but I feel so alone... And I can't quite understand it. 

Things have been strained between me and my friends. Why? I don't know.

I don't like it though.

I want to fucking get out there, meet all sorts of people, new friends, new lovers, even jerks that I despise, but I need a goddamn change of scene. 

Somewhere outside of Placerville, Auburn, Cool, Georgetown.

Now that I have a job I'm a bit more mobile, because eventually I'll get money which means that I'll have gas and money to do things. I have to do other things like get my books for school, pay people back the money they lent me so kindly, blah blah blah, but I have a certain freedom now, if I can handle my money well.

I remember when I used to be in love with a girl. She really is quite an extraordinary beauty, but a shallow bitch at heart... in fact there are two of them, one who is actually quite gorgeous and the other ugly... My heart doesn't ache for either of them as it once did but I ache for that feeling, that total and all consuming desire, love and devotion to someone.

It was so exciting back then when I was naive as hell... Risque and dangerous, and back then it felt like just me and that one person that I had fallen for, no one else in the world existed, they didn't have to, at least not for me.

Which is why my grades slipped, my emotional state was a wreck for years, but it felt better than it did now.

I keep thinking that if I alter myself somehow, with ink or metal, cut my hair and dress in a more flattering manner, than maybe I'll get the attention of those people that I look upon with that all consuming, naive desire and devotion.

Of course, I want to get tattoos and piercings, I'm not a complete dumb ass, I've always wanted to, and I have wanted to cut my hair and dress better too, and to generally mold my body into something that I can fully and proudly present to the world, but that stupid pre-sixteen year old girl inside of me somewhere is also hoping that with those changes I can finally hang out with the cool kids.

It's not only that, I'll be able to bring out that side of my personality that I know people will like. I'll be confident...

I don't have much confidence.

Though I pretend that I do.

A harsh breeze brings me down a notch or three. I just don't feel like I can compete with those attractive people, or those talented people, or those smart people. I have found a reason why I don't wish to be exceptionally intelligent though.

People see intelligence like beauty, something glamourous, untouchable, but unless that really genius person is really lucky, they are the most miserable people, plagued with mental afflictions, self-doubt and a tendency to relieve their problems with substance abuse.

So at least I'm not a genius. The only thing that I really am brilliant about is analyzing. Not even analyzing much, just people. Maybe I should work at Target as the ASP lady, in the back room lording over my cameras and files. I can tell (Unless love-struck) whether or not I really, really will like a person almost instantly, I'm very sensitive to pheramones and such.

Why would anyone care about this shit though?

No one does...

I'm just some dumb kid.

Like usual.

Nothing special.

Oh... I'm really nice. Fuck....

My stomach aches because there is a rift in there, in my stomach, since I packed it too full and oh so soon the socks are going to tumble out. Think smart Roxxy, can't pack too much. Stomach aches are a bitch.

I don't want to I tell you! I don't want to at all! What is it that I don't want to do remains the true question.

Hmm.

I miss my dear friend Cecilia.

Here is where I shall commit lots of verbal vomit so you're going to have to deal with that MMMMM'KAY?

So I'm taking this Advil allergy night shit right for my cold because whenever I get a cold my sinuses get all ick and I'm like, "NOOO," so I take medication in order to heal myself. But it's doing fucking weird things to my head.

I was up on the ladder and I got the slow nausea as I hammered away at the nails to be put in. I felt dizzy and I wanted to fall but I just sat there, lying against a beam and thinking that it was a most revolting feeling but also strangely right.

These past few days I've been in such an odd tripping dream land. My head is fucking fucked...

So to remedy this I take more medication.

I'm thinking about Sierra and every piece of me is screaming, 'RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!' but something is making me stay, probably logic and my sick sense of loyalty.

I like her, I love her, but she scares me.

I am terrified of my own girlfriend.

Her grandparents, amongst the rest of her family, now know of me, and my relationship to her, and I'm like, "NOOO".

But I'm standing in the middle of my house and though I am still the world spins around me faster and faster until it feels as if I'll vomit if it doesn't stop and the only thing that helps is to sit in the sunlight and bask there for awhile, eyes closed, cheek pressed against the cool tile on the porch, letting the world slow.

It's a difficult sensation, having all of your limbs being twisted and twisted but you know they're not. Driving is difficult too, much more than you can possibly realize.

I don't know what to do except to take it one day at a time and see what becomes of it.

Though that is making me icky and impatient. I'm not very patient when it comes to these kinds of things, I must know what's going to happen or it gets me anxious.

It's strange, me who wants to be in a relationship so bad is somewhat of a commitment phobic.

Fuck you....

Fuck you for the slow dripping sensation in the back of my skull, feeling as if my brain matter is sliding from my skull down into my spine....

FUCK YOU FOR QUESTIONING AND BEING INTERESTED!

Why the hell do you care? Why can't I just get drunk and fucked and lie down and vomit for all the ages...

Fuck.

Roxxy's not feeling well.

Oh dear goddish I am absolutely smitten as sin.

This girl, this wondrous girl, she likes me! Less amazing is that I like her and so it's going sooo slowly (Like four days, Jeez, so long) but I like her ever so much and there's all these pretty pictures in my head of her and I.

She likes bubble baths and snuggling real close in sleep, two of my secret small romantic fantasies.

Oh my.

I am just... amazed.

For years I've fallen for girls that do not like me, in fact they don't care much for me either way, I'm a platonic ken doll, they can tell all those pretty secrets of theirs to me and I will not go around and tell anyone. The only problem is that this Ken doll is in fact Barbie, lesbian barbie that tends to get the metaphorical boner for these girls. I want to love them so completely it's terrible to think about.

But... Sierra, she will accept all that I have to give her, and all I want to give her is happy things, things that will make her smile and laugh. She's got the most adorable laugh... *Sighs dreamily*. And she lisps like me so it's a happy thing.

Better still she won't hurt.

She's a vegetarian, she enjoys Milky Way chocolate bars, is very in tune with her sensitive side. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I see her cry for the first time because half the time I want to scoop her up anyway and hold her because I am that... smitten!

My lioness is purring loudly and snuggling close to her lioness and they're content with each other, dozing next to each other. She was born on the cusp of Leo and Virgo though so we have more in common than I percieved earlier. She is very much like me in fact and I have NO problem with that.

I like her SO much.

I was afraid of her at first because she was so very young and I didn't know whether I was jumping feet first into a puddle of shit but nooo... I'm drowning in the lovely blue of her eyes.

Every time I see her I have an uncontrollable urge to just touch her, which is translated into me holding her hand and playing with her fingertips, wrapping my arms about her shoulders and kissing her atop the head.

But truly I just want to kiss the girl, a good long kiss... That, would be marvelous. Because unlike the kisses I've recieved in the past, this would be a genuine and affectionate kiss.

I want to present her with a gardenia, so fragrant and beautiful and romantic. I want to hold it cupped in my hands and be the humble presenter of such a pretty thing, because I know for a fact that I am an unworthy vessel to present it to her.

A flower, such a beautiful and complicated thing...

*Sighs drearily*. 

I don't know about Bat but I do know that Sierra is a Butterfly, a brightly colored, beautiful thing that entices the romantic and playful side of me deeply.

Jeez, I'm gone guys, someone shoot me before it gets really bad.