In the past two hours or so I've plunged head-long into some of the most intense emotions that I've let myself feel in a long time. 

It was so intense all of my muscles are sore because my entire body was tensed. Tensed for that blow that will send me into a terrible, blinding rage. Anger, sadness, misery, loneliness. All of it. Crushing me all at once so that whoever I come into contact with will feel the sting. Not the ones I want to really scream at though, anyone else that gets in the way. People that are easy prey. Like my mom, who really doesn't deserve half the shit I give her, or any of us for that matter.

Working at Target isn't hard at all. Scan the items in question, accept the tender given, press total, give the person their items and their reciept. But because I was so concentrated on focusing half the time I forgot to give people their items. Or I pressed the wrong button or no button at all. It was my first day but I fucked it up due to nerves. I am a real bundle of nerves right now. The slightest touch could melt me. 

Right now I just want some real physical contact. A big hug from strong arms that hold me in my place, purposefully felt, a long kiss, lying together on the bed our limbs tangled together to keep that feeling that we're not alone alive.

I wish I weren't alone.

But I feel like dying.

Most of my day is spent with no touch, no contact from other people. Most of a lot of people's days are filled with no touch like that. But I'm one of those people that feed off of physical contact.

Not shallow shit either. I can't stand shallowness.

I just want someone who is comfortable enough and confident enough to step up and give a good proper cuddle. No inhibitions.

Fuck, like I said earlier, I'm missing two things, a car and a cocktail.

Alcohol sounds like heaven right now.

Something tasty, like rum, but will get me fucked, like rum. Yup, I could use a bottle of rum right now.

I feel like shit............

Goddamnit.

I want to express this in a different way than writing. I want to fight someone, tear someone's clothes off and hold their naked body to mine, just so my heart isn't the only beating thing for that fraction of a moment in my life. A long time ago I cut my arm open just so I could feel again. The raised and puffy skin reminded me I was human. I didn't even bleed. Am I really human? Maybe I'm just nuts.

I'm a supersensitive being. Won't admit it if you asked me, couldn't explain it if I tried.

I feel like vomiting.

Things are going so well right now, college, job, soon a car maybe... My girlfriend Sierra, but I feel so alone... And I can't quite understand it. 

Things have been strained between me and my friends. Why? I don't know.

I don't like it though.

I want to fucking get out there, meet all sorts of people, new friends, new lovers, even jerks that I despise, but I need a goddamn change of scene. 

Somewhere outside of Placerville, Auburn, Cool, Georgetown.

Now that I have a job I'm a bit more mobile, because eventually I'll get money which means that I'll have gas and money to do things. I have to do other things like get my books for school, pay people back the money they lent me so kindly, blah blah blah, but I have a certain freedom now, if I can handle my money well.

I remember when I used to be in love with a girl. She really is quite an extraordinary beauty, but a shallow bitch at heart... in fact there are two of them, one who is actually quite gorgeous and the other ugly... My heart doesn't ache for either of them as it once did but I ache for that feeling, that total and all consuming desire, love and devotion to someone.

It was so exciting back then when I was naive as hell... Risque and dangerous, and back then it felt like just me and that one person that I had fallen for, no one else in the world existed, they didn't have to, at least not for me.

Which is why my grades slipped, my emotional state was a wreck for years, but it felt better than it did now.

I keep thinking that if I alter myself somehow, with ink or metal, cut my hair and dress in a more flattering manner, than maybe I'll get the attention of those people that I look upon with that all consuming, naive desire and devotion.

Of course, I want to get tattoos and piercings, I'm not a complete dumb ass, I've always wanted to, and I have wanted to cut my hair and dress better too, and to generally mold my body into something that I can fully and proudly present to the world, but that stupid pre-sixteen year old girl inside of me somewhere is also hoping that with those changes I can finally hang out with the cool kids.

It's not only that, I'll be able to bring out that side of my personality that I know people will like. I'll be confident...

I don't have much confidence.

Though I pretend that I do.

A harsh breeze brings me down a notch or three. I just don't feel like I can compete with those attractive people, or those talented people, or those smart people. I have found a reason why I don't wish to be exceptionally intelligent though.

People see intelligence like beauty, something glamourous, untouchable, but unless that really genius person is really lucky, they are the most miserable people, plagued with mental afflictions, self-doubt and a tendency to relieve their problems with substance abuse.

So at least I'm not a genius. The only thing that I really am brilliant about is analyzing. Not even analyzing much, just people. Maybe I should work at Target as the ASP lady, in the back room lording over my cameras and files. I can tell (Unless love-struck) whether or not I really, really will like a person almost instantly, I'm very sensitive to pheramones and such.

Why would anyone care about this shit though?

No one does...

I'm just some dumb kid.

Like usual.

Nothing special.

Oh... I'm really nice. Fuck....

My stomach aches because there is a rift in there, in my stomach, since I packed it too full and oh so soon the socks are going to tumble out. Think smart Roxxy, can't pack too much. Stomach aches are a bitch.

I don't want to I tell you! I don't want to at all! What is it that I don't want to do remains the true question.

Hmm.

I miss my dear friend Cecilia.

Here is where I shall commit lots of verbal vomit so you're going to have to deal with that MMMMM'KAY?

So I'm taking this Advil allergy night shit right for my cold because whenever I get a cold my sinuses get all ick and I'm like, "NOOO," so I take medication in order to heal myself. But it's doing fucking weird things to my head.

I was up on the ladder and I got the slow nausea as I hammered away at the nails to be put in. I felt dizzy and I wanted to fall but I just sat there, lying against a beam and thinking that it was a most revolting feeling but also strangely right.

These past few days I've been in such an odd tripping dream land. My head is fucking fucked...

So to remedy this I take more medication.

I'm thinking about Sierra and every piece of me is screaming, 'RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!' but something is making me stay, probably logic and my sick sense of loyalty.

I like her, I love her, but she scares me.

I am terrified of my own girlfriend.

Her grandparents, amongst the rest of her family, now know of me, and my relationship to her, and I'm like, "NOOO".

But I'm standing in the middle of my house and though I am still the world spins around me faster and faster until it feels as if I'll vomit if it doesn't stop and the only thing that helps is to sit in the sunlight and bask there for awhile, eyes closed, cheek pressed against the cool tile on the porch, letting the world slow.

It's a difficult sensation, having all of your limbs being twisted and twisted but you know they're not. Driving is difficult too, much more than you can possibly realize.

I don't know what to do except to take it one day at a time and see what becomes of it.

Though that is making me icky and impatient. I'm not very patient when it comes to these kinds of things, I must know what's going to happen or it gets me anxious.

It's strange, me who wants to be in a relationship so bad is somewhat of a commitment phobic.

Fuck you....

Fuck you for the slow dripping sensation in the back of my skull, feeling as if my brain matter is sliding from my skull down into my spine....

FUCK YOU FOR QUESTIONING AND BEING INTERESTED!

Why the hell do you care? Why can't I just get drunk and fucked and lie down and vomit for all the ages...

Fuck.

Roxxy's not feeling well.