i just beat the hell out of our container of biscuits XD
it's one of those rolls whre you peel it, and it pops open.. well, I peeled it, and it didnt open, so we tried stabbing it, it didnt open, so I pick it up, and try twisting it, it doesnt open... so I hit it on the counter... didnt open, so i started to smash it against the counter, screaming "damn you!! give me my damn biscuits!
than my mom stabbed it, and it popped open...
...damn biscuits..
It all happened so quickly..
I'm sitting here, as perfect and content as ever.. than it hit me. I fels like I was being crushed, I felt like my heart had just exploded in my chest. I couldnt breath, I couldnt stop shaking, I was skahing so badly I couldnt type. I managed to grab my phone, and call for help..
Thank you, Michelle, for coming to my rescue.. It wasnt that bad of a panic attack, but I've never shaken like that before in my life.. I'm still a bit shaky..
Something I'm sure you're all aware of had caused it.. but it's okay, I have help.. No, I'm still not over..
Hmph.. What a night...
It's 7:50 A.M saturday morning... Ive been awake since 10:00 AM friday...Thats almost a full twenty four hours... but the night before friday, thursday, I didnt get to bed until 3AM friday...im suprised I'm not falling asleep sitting here... I dont think I could, my back hurts sitting here for so long, I really should go lie down..
Alot of things have been rushing through my mind, keeping me from sleep.. I look at my bed, and even think about sleeping, and my heart feels heavy.. I'm not feeling it so much anymore, so I think I'll just take a nap later on in the day, or just drink alot of coffee, than sleep ll night saturday.. or just sleep now, and wait for someone to wake me up..
I'm not so sure how I'm feeling right now, so I cant really say I'm 'good'. I'm more neutral than anything... No emotions what-so-ever.. Thats pretty much how I've always been in times like this. Eh, but it's no big deal..
I'm feeling this heavy weight on my shoulders, and it's slowly becoming more and more harsh on me.. I guess it's all the stuff I've been having to deal with.. Family (Ugh), School, money, friends.. even girlfriends.. things of that nature.. I can feel this light pinch on my heart, that tells me something isnt quite right, so I'm on my toes constantly.
My foots starting to hurt more than usual... For those of you who dont know, I have a bump on the bottom of my heel that feels like it stabs me whenever I walk on it. My mother thinks it might be glass.. All I know is I cant get into the doctors until February, which sucks because now, mroe recently, I've been in a hell of alot more pain, but I dont let anyone see it. I've only told my mother when it was bugging me, so she knows to keep herself reminded about my doctors appointment..
Well, I'm done rambling for now.. Later..
This world will never be what I expected...
http://www.kon
OMG!!! THIS IS SO FREAKING FUN!!!
Song to express my thanks:
"Because You Live"
Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice calls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again
Cuz of you, made it though every storm
What is life, what's the use if you're killing time
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live, I live
Because you live there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me always
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live, I live
[cyberhavok], thank you, I love you Lei!!! o>.<O
[HellHathNoFury]- You're awesome! <3
[†|Ðĭ§ŧø®tëd Äηgē£|†]- You're so fun xD lawl!!
[Axyris*] I HEART YOU!!
I'm so mad!! I dont wanna go back to class!! >.<
I dont have any other choice though, sadly... it's tenth period, and I gotta get back to TenEycks... *sigh*
Todays been... rather interesting for me, I dont wanna say why though, it's ust been the thoughs going through my mind that are wierd, and Ive sorta wierded myself out... ah well!! CLASS TIME!!
~Shi-Chan. <3
~Nobody else can help. I need that special you to survive. I cannot believe in myself, but you can.
Well, the school day sucks...
I atleast know I have Matt and Casey to back me up...
I'm so fucking confused, I know what I want.. But I dont want it because of the outcome it will have on others... I really need to stop thinking of others before myself, dont I?
All of my friends tell me that.. "You're too nice, you need to start worrying about yourself more" or even "Why do you care so much about what your friends or family are thinking or think about you? Do what makes you happy, instead of what makes them happy"
The truth is, it's a self-conscienc
I have realized what Ive wanted, but it's hard to think about it.
I hate this, I know what I want, but I just cant bring myself to say it. People will laugh, people will become upset, people will think im fuckign CRAZY! and most of all, what will my mother think? she would most likely throw me out into the streets.. I dotn blaim her, I'm not exactly straight in the head...not like the others...
If onyl Rachel was here, I could talk to her about this, she owuld ocmfort me, because I know she would listen, and understand where I'm coming from...
am I fucking insane? isn there something wrong with me? I just want to go somewhere and cry, cry for hours. Im scared, but I know it's what would make me happy, but yet I am disgusted all the same! someone tell me WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME GOD DAMNIT!!
Now im REALLY going to need those hugs... and this is when my friends show me thier real love, because I will need real friends ot help me through this... I am sorry if you guys are worried... I might not seem like myself in school tomorrow, but I'll try my best ot put on a smile. Thank you guys, I love you all.
I have been facing an internal struggle with myself..so if you happen to notice that I am not acting like myself, I will just need a hug..
Ive been in deep thought lately about myself, and who I am, and what I want out of life, and I have come to the conclusion that I am far from the person I want to be..and I dont mean emotionally or mentaly.
Anyways, it's dinner time, and ive got capri sun orange juice waiting for me that my mommy bought me!! =D!! Later!!
I really dotn knwo whats going on, but I'mnot going to pass judgement until I can get both sides of the story.
My friends are falling out--it's scary. I mean, first, Rachel goes from my best friend, to a total Bitch, and now wont even talk to me, and then yells at me when I try to ask for a chance to be her friend...
Next, Norm starts to put pressure on me by sayign crap like 'I dont think she likes us anymore' when I ask to go to my friend Tori's house on saturday..
And now this. Amber and Leila, my two best friends in all of fucking Ohio, are colliding like the fucking sea and shore during a storm! what the hell is going on! I'm not going to throw myself into the middle of this, and risk being killed (figure of speech) but I am going to investigate on these things, and try and find out whats happened... I mean, without them, I'd have nothing! >< I wouldnt have met all these amazing people I've come to adore! liek Sophia, and Matt and Brittany... I mena, it was Amber who got me talking to Matt last year for the first time, and Leila who was sitting with Sophia the first day I met her, because they were friends.
I care about all of my friends too much to let anymore of these things happen. All of my friends throughout my life(even those who hate me now and may want me dead) are all still an important factor of my life, and my childhood. Any person who has impacted my life, and anyone I have ever made memories with, I cherish, no matter what... So I am going to try my best to get this straightened out... and if it ends with me losing another friend, I will still love them. Even if it ends with me choosing sides, I will refuse, and probably get left behind again, but hey, this is how I choose to life my life, so yeah, get over it! *headdesk*
But for now... MAAAAN! I'M SO HUNGRY!! I cant wait for lunch!! :D
(it's 3rd hour..Lunch is 6th hour, after 4/5th hour... T^T)
Real story:
[cyberhavok]- *lookign at [Axyris*]'s house*
Mr.Shepard: (school librarian): *walks by, and glances at comp screen, but keeps walking*
[cyberhavok]- O-O;; oh sh-...
RAWR RAWR RAWR!!
In addition to my last entry: it's the last hour of school, and I feel better! :D I'm still confused, though...
Well, today was quite annoying...
I got on the bus, perfectly alright and content, I got to school, started feeling a little heavy-hearted, got ot breakfast...bu
I just miss some things so badly, that my emotions just sometimes explode out... gah!! -.-; and now, I have sophia threatening to hit me with a meter stick ._.;; shes watchign me type this up in Astronomy class... <.< Hi sophia...
Well, I feel better now-- I'm just hungry!! RAAAAR!! pizza...yum... o.o or maybe nachos... *thinks* hmm.. *ponders* uhh... *wonders* XD Gah! I cant decide! ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I miss it, but I wont let it win.
A problem I have got in the way of what made me happiest in life. I lost that special item, a large piece of what little heart I posess, and I wish to someday regain that trust. I swear to never let that issue get in the way of my relationships, or our friendship ever again.
What I mean by little, is that I find is difficult to feel certain emotions. I have, for a long time, been unable to feel guilty, afraid, or even lighthearted. I can smile, but I dotn really understand what it is I am smiling for. I can shed tears, but in an instant I can straighten out my face, whipe them away, and say "I'm not really sad". I'm not really, so I dont know why I cry, when I feel neutral about it, I dotn really understand it myself. I can get angry, but It isnt as strong as I would think. I can cry, but yet I dont feel any remourse. It just doesnt make sence, and I want to know why.
The other day, my mother lectured me about placing my own life in danger, about some stupid things I do to put my life at risk, and I just sat there, and nodded. I felt no guilt, I didnt feel like I wanted to laugh, cry, become angry, I felt nothingness, and it confuses me. I want to be able to cry when I am really sad, when I can feel that I am truly sad. A few nights ago, I actually shed the first real tears I have shed for a long time (not counting when my mom went to the hospital--I was really scared then). My heart had started to hurt, and I just clutched my beloved bear to my chest and cried. Why is it that I can feel only those emotions caused by... her? Things that she does? Why is every thought I have of her strong enough to influence my emotions stronger than most other things? Why are my thoughts so messed up? Should other things matter more than her? Why does it feel like my life is liek nothingness without her memory? Is she like a support beam for me? Can I make this without her? Why do I think this way, Why do I feel so empty, and without emotion or feeling when she isnt around? ...And why is she the only one who has ever made me cry real tear when she raises her voice?
why do I feel like such a lost little child with nowhere to go? I want to find her, liek I am lost and afraid... Am I... A bad person for feelign this way? Is everything my fault? Is she sad, because I need her so much? Am I the reason for her real sadness, her real depression..he
I am deeply confused, and I dont understand any of this... Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you did. I dont feel alone, I just feel dark. It's a wierd way to put it, but I feel like darkness. I dont know how else to put it.
Want to chat? Just go ahead and message me. I like to hear from my friends.
I woke up this morning
with two cuts in my left wrist.
I have no idea where they must have come from, but it stings like hell, but it's okay. I must have just slept on a pencil or something... maybe mechanical..
<.< my friends think i'm hiding something, because the cuts are horizontal, and almost aligned... *shrug* whatever, believe what you want. Wether I am lying to you or not...thats for you to decide, loves.
Either way, life is dull...
I need to get out...
I need to escape.
I need to run.
Seasons come and go, but they dont last.
Before you know it, the future is the past.
Please help me remove this curse from within my skin.
That light of life around me, it grows so dim.
I've been wishing on a broken star.
Hoping soon to hold you in my arms.
Watching as those city lights slowly die.
Slowly, I am losing my ability to fly.
With you I could do anything
I wish you could stay with me, and see everything.
I could touch the stars hung up high at night.
You gave me that beautiful gift of flight.
Without your love, I fear I will fall.
I cant even stand, so I have to crawl.
As the darkness surrounds me, I slowly grow weak.
I open my mouth, but I fear I can no longer speak.
I've been wishing on a broken star.
Hoping soon to hold you in my arms.
Watching as those city lights slowly die.
Slowly, I am losing my ability to fly.
Im bored... I want to roleplay... >.<;;
I cant keep this a secret anymore.
I want to tell you the truth, a truth i was hiding from you, but now you just wont listen...
I know you wont believe me, but it is the honest truth, but now you wont even speak to me. Please allow me ot tell you the truth, I need to tell you about why I acted the way that I did. I made you fall out of love with me.
My heart is heavy, I feel as though I cannot stand anymore... I just want to cry myself to death.
Please dotn blaim her, I love her. This is my own fault. My heart is bleeding slowly, and it is my own fault.
I did this to myself. This feeling is brought on me by myself. It is my feeling to bare alone, like I feel I should be...
If your interested at all in talkign to me, and why would you be, anytime after 7 would be a good time to call my cell...if you have the number... if not, message me, and ill probabaly give it to you...but i doubt you'll want it.
I might not be good conversation, though...yeah.
dude, a lock of hair in the front was dyed purple by a friend... Ill have a picture up soon ._.;;