[Not Anymore];

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won
So I took what's mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
It may be over but it won't stop there
I am here for you if you'd only care
You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile

I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you, I swear that's true
I cannot live without you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine when I'm asleep
And I will bare my soul in time
When I'm kneeling at your feet

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

FUCKIN PISSED OFF DUDE!!!

Okay. so.
Know how I was going to the hospital?
finally!
after like, what
FUCKIN NOVEMBER OF 2007?!
Weeeell guess what
aint happening
my appointment was cancelled
FUCKING.CANCELLED!!
they rescheduled it
ON A DAY I CANT GO!
MY MOTHER WILL BE ON FUCKING VACATION!!
I want to fucking kill whoever made that decision
I cant go on another fucking month
IN FUCKING PAIN!!
..This whole day sucks..

It's okay be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way

Father figures we are
You're a shooting star you've come so far
I was once in your shoes
In a closet like you
I had nothing to lose

Hey man gay man pick up the soap
Get on your knees and pray
Hey man gay man
Release your load
You've got to cease to delay
The gay way

It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
Hooray! For the man!

Ooh, strong man
queen of the balls
some brotherly love is a pleasure for all
Come out
open your eyes
it's a matter of size

Hey man gay man pick up the soap
Get on your knees and pray
Hey man gay man
Release your load
you've got to cease to delay
The gay way

It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Okay to be gay!
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way

Sing hallelujah (sing hallelujah)
It's getting to ya (it's getting to ya)

Hey! Ho! Mo! Hey! Ho! Mo! Hey! Ho!
Now remember
There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over

It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
It's okay!
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way

West is where you should go
To San Francisco
I get that you know
Would you gather my face
So united we stand in a gay parade
A human serenade

Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
It's okay to be gay!

Okay, first off, I need to apologize to my [ET friends] for not being online lately.. I havnt had the best of days, lately, and it's too long and complicated to explain... so I'll give you the jist of it..

Being betrayed by someone you love, hurts, I have found this out for just the first time.. Someone I cared for talked to me yesterday, telling me that she wasnt the person I have thought she was.. Turns out, she lied about her whole life to me.. But you know what? Shhhit, I forgave her, right off the bat... She pretended to be a boy, to like me, to be 18.. well, she was really 14, and a she. But you know what? Thats fine by me.. And you know what all else? WE'RE STILL OMGBFFS!!! I STILL CARE ABOUT THEM, only not like that, anymore >3 but they're one of my greatest friends I've ever had, and I WONT loose that! ...Guess I really WAS right when I told her I had bad luck with guys.. Haha, tough luck Shi-chan.. I felt really horrible, though, that I had fallen for an immaginary boy, while going out with Lee.. So, a lesson I learned from Rikki, I called Lee last night, and explained everything to her, trying not to cry. I didnt cry. She only chuckled and said "Well, is that all? I thought something was really wrong when you said I shouldnt forgive you.. Listen here, Vex (she calls me Vex because we met durring ohayocon. She's my Aku.. I cosplayed as Vexen, and she did Axel(duh))) I don't care at all that something like that would happen.. We live in different states, I wouldnt expect you to not fall for someone else, especally a boy.. It's nature.. I love you, of course, but I'm still undecided on my sexual orientation, but I love you, I know this.. And hey, if you find someone that makes you happy, I'll be happy." She is so aweet.. I told her "Well don't you worry.. Because you're the ONLY one with my heart right now! That I promise!" and she just giggled, that adorable giggle, the one that makes my heart melt and all she said was "Good"... I've kicked myself in the ass, plenty of times a;ready within the last day.. What do I need some guy for anyway? I have the best girl in the world.. She is so sweet, and kind.. AND SHE MIGHT BE GOING TO COLOSSALCON!! And her friend said I could stay with them in the hotel~ which I might do, because I want to be close to Lee, I want to hold her.. Now that she is REALLY mine, I really want to see her, and she really wants to see me too.. But first things first.. I need to find a ride down there!! ;-;

I love Lee, now more, sadly, than I used to.. But I have given her my everything.. Except for the pieced of my heart shared amongst friends, someone, and my big brother Calica~

Oh! and I forgot to mention.. My sis has me into Ever Quest II XD;; I feel horrible about it, but that game is just so FUN!! I made a Fae character, and she is just so fun!!

~~~

Next, I need to apologize to my [IRL friends, in school..]

I have been very moody lately, and I found out why.. The nerves inside my foot, from that stupid lump on my foot, have been pressed onto, and bothered, which is causing my other nerves to squirm, and even make me feel sick.. Pain causing nausea.. Thus, this results in me having a quick temper, and I snap and yell, or I even get over excited, or overly sad. My doctors appointment is FINALLY here, I'm going in on the 7th! ...First time I'll ever be excited to go to the doctors...

And, if I'm quiet at all next week, It'll either be because I am still slightly hurt at my friend's lying to me, or I'm just tired, or maybe irritated because I'm in pain.. It's nothing against you, I swear it.

Someday-

Someday you're gonna realize
One day you’ll see this through my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I can’t

I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it wont take long
Wont take long

Cuz', Someday someones gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someones gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I wont have to cry,
sweet goodbye

Cuz', Someday someones gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someones gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday
(I know someone's
gonna be there)

Someday someones gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someones gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see I won’t even miss you
Someday someday ..

[H-Holy hell guys!! i thought hell would freeze over long before this would ever happen!!]

Lee, the beautiful lady I met at Ohayocon, just asked me to be her first girlfriend.. Of course, I said yes.. She is so beautiful, I don't understand it. She was always so nice, and she had a sweet smile, why would she like someone like me?

All I know is, I can feel everything slowly starting to lighten up, I feel great, whole, like I used to..It's only been but a few moments since she asked me, but I can already say I feel like it's been hours, when it hasnt even been five minutes..

I feel like I'm floating!!

[All out sorrows] By me.

I watch closely as your body sways
the music is taking you away
light as a feather, spinning on air
my lovely beauty, how you shine

Please come and take my hand
Together our dance shall never end
Here with you i'm here to stay
until all our sorrows have been danced away

Your arms hold me close
your skin touching mine
your eyes catch hold of my soul
I feel like I'm going out of control

The moon reflects your soft porcelin skin
your eyes match your dress
your dress matches your shoes
how could I have held someone so perfect?

Suddenly, the run arises
My eyes open up
tangled in the sheets, a tear escapes
amd I'm left to wait another day

You slipped away once again
Oh beauty of my dreams
but I'll keep you close within my memory
our bond shall never fade

Please come and take my hand
Together our dance shall never end
Here with you i'm here to stay
until all our sorrows have been danced away

all our sorrows will soon be danced away.


~~~

what do you think?

Song: "Better Than Me"
Artist: Hinder

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I wouldn't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had a closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

My music is evil... XD

I was sittin here, minding my own business, and all of a sudden, a song I was downloading opens by itself--the song starts loud, and my speakers were turned up, so it's like "lalaladrawinglala...!!!!*scribbles on paper*"

Evil I tell you, evil!

I stolded it! :3

1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes I would

2. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved you?
Two or Three

3.Longest relationship?
Two years...? Rachel.

4. Do you hate your last boyfriend/girlfriend?
No, I would never.

5. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?
Yes I have, but I never spoke to them about my feelings.. I still havn't.

6. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend mad?
I upset her alot... must to my dismay...

7. Are you happier single or to have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I'm okay with being single, I just miss her alot.

8.Ever dated some one with a STD?
No, I havn't.

10. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I've accidentally broken two of my closest friend's hearts...

11. Think any of your ex's feel the same about you?
doubt it..

12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
I've been told I am, and that I'm not, but I don't think I am.. Not yet..

13. Have you dated people who were not good to you?
Yeaaah, but not souly on purpose..

15. Have you dated someone older than you?
I...Don't remember...

16. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I do..

17. Do you believe in love at first sight?
sometimes

18. Do you want to get married?
Yes I do..

19. Does heart break really feel as bad as it’s said to be?
It really does..

20. Would you believe your ex if she/he said they love you?
I would, because I know she would mean it, she isn't the kind to toy with other's hearts..

21. Would you date your best female/male friend?
I have..

22. Have any of your ex's called you by a nickname after the break up?
no, she stopped.. which is probably what hurt the most, because my friends at school call me by the same nickname..

23. Do you regret any of your relationships?
I never will

24. Are you in a relationship right now?
No..

25.Do you like anyone?
Yeah.. *blush*

26.Wanna date anyone?
Maybe,,

27.Who posted this?
I stole it from [Erubeus] :3

28.Think anyone else will post it?
Perhaps..

I was just sitting, home alone, minding my own business when it all started...

My microwave started itself twice, than when I went to turn it off, my moms dresser of wedding dresses fell over, so i grabbed my dogs and ran into my roomand locked my door.
Than, the dogs outside on all three sides of my house started barking all at once, and my bedroom light blew out, than the mirror outside my bedroom door fell, but sounded like something slammed into my door.. than, I panicked..

Thank you, big brother and Vex-sama for being there to help me!

i just beat the hell out of our container of biscuits XD

it's one of those rolls whre you peel it, and it pops open.. well, I peeled it, and it didnt open, so we tried stabbing it, it didnt open, so I pick it up, and try twisting it, it doesnt open... so I hit it on the counter... didnt open, so i started to smash it against the counter, screaming "damn you!! give me my damn biscuits!
than my mom stabbed it, and it popped open...


...damn biscuits..

It all happened so quickly..

I'm sitting here, as perfect and content as ever.. than it hit me. I fels like I was being crushed, I felt like my heart had just exploded in my chest. I couldnt breath, I couldnt stop shaking, I was skahing so badly I couldnt type. I managed to grab my phone, and call for help..

Thank you, Michelle, for coming to my rescue.. It wasnt that bad of a panic attack, but I've never shaken like that before in my life.. I'm still a bit shaky..

Something I'm sure you're all aware of had caused it.. but it's okay, I have help.. No, I'm still not over..

Hmph.. What a night...

It's 7:50 A.M saturday morning... Ive been awake since 10:00 AM friday...Thats almost a full twenty four hours... but the night before friday, thursday, I didnt get to bed until 3AM friday...im suprised I'm not falling asleep sitting here... I dont think I could, my back hurts sitting here for so long, I really should go lie down..

Alot of things have been rushing through my mind, keeping me from sleep.. I look at my bed, and even think about sleeping, and my heart feels heavy.. I'm not feeling it so much anymore, so I think I'll just take a nap later on in the day, or just drink alot of coffee, than sleep ll night saturday.. or just sleep now, and wait for someone to wake me up..

I'm not so sure how I'm feeling right now, so I cant really say I'm 'good'. I'm more neutral than anything... No emotions what-so-ever.. Thats pretty much how I've always been in times like this. Eh, but it's no big deal..

I'm feeling this heavy weight on my shoulders, and it's slowly becoming more and more harsh on me.. I guess it's all the stuff I've been having to deal with.. Family (Ugh), School, money, friends.. even girlfriends.. things of that nature.. I can feel this light pinch on my heart, that tells me something isnt quite right, so I'm on my toes constantly.

My foots starting to hurt more than usual... For those of you who dont know, I have a bump on the bottom of my heel that feels like it stabs me whenever I walk on it. My mother thinks it might be glass.. All I know is I cant get into the doctors until February, which sucks because now, mroe recently, I've been in a hell of alot more pain, but I dont let anyone see it. I've only told my mother when it was bugging me, so she knows to keep herself reminded about my doctors appointment..

Well, I'm done rambling for now.. Later..

This world will never be what I expected...

http://www.kongregate.com/games/AlexMatveev/3d-logic-2-stronghold-of-sage

OMG!!! THIS IS SO FREAKING FUN!!!

Song to express my thanks:

"Because You Live"


Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice calls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again
Cuz of you, made it though every storm
What is life, what's the use if you're killing time
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live, I live

Because you live there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me always

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has everything I need to survive

Because you live, I live, I live


[cyberhavok], thank you, I love you Lei!!! o>.<O
[HellHathNoFury]- You're awesome! <3
[†|Ðĭ§ŧø®tëd Äηgē£|†]- You're so fun xD lawl!!
[Axyris*] I HEART YOU!!

I'm so mad!! I dont wanna go back to class!! >.<

I dont have any other choice though, sadly... it's tenth period, and I gotta get back to TenEycks... *sigh*

Todays been... rather interesting for me, I dont wanna say why though, it's ust been the thoughs going through my mind that are wierd, and Ive sorta wierded myself out... ah well!! CLASS TIME!!

~Shi-Chan. <3

~Nobody else can help. I need that special you to survive. I cannot believe in myself, but you can.

Well, the school day sucks...

I atleast know I have Matt and Casey to back me up...

I'm so fucking confused, I know what I want.. But I dont want it because of the outcome it will have on others... I really need to stop thinking of others before myself, dont I?

All of my friends tell me that.. "You're too nice, you need to start worrying about yourself more" or even "Why do you care so much about what your friends or family are thinking or think about you? Do what makes you happy, instead of what makes them happy"

The truth is, it's a self-conscience thing... I dont want to feel left out by,per say, not knowin gwho a certain celebrity is, who my friends admire...I will litterally go home, and do research on these people,because I dont want to be left behind again... not again...

I have realized what Ive wanted, but it's hard to think about it.

I hate this, I know what I want, but I just cant bring myself to say it. People will laugh, people will become upset, people will think im fuckign CRAZY! and most of all, what will my mother think? she would most likely throw me out into the streets.. I dotn blaim her, I'm not exactly straight in the head...not like the others...

If onyl Rachel was here, I could talk to her about this, she owuld ocmfort me, because I know she would listen, and understand where I'm coming from...

am I fucking insane? isn there something wrong with me? I just want to go somewhere and cry, cry for hours. Im scared, but I know it's what would make me happy, but yet I am disgusted all the same! someone tell me WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME GOD DAMNIT!!

Now im REALLY going to need those hugs... and this is when my friends show me thier real love, because I will need real friends ot help me through this... I am sorry if you guys are worried... I might not seem like myself in school tomorrow, but I'll try my best ot put on a smile. Thank you guys, I love you all.