I have realized what Ive wanted, but it's hard to think about it.
I hate this, I know what I want, but I just cant bring myself to say it. People will laugh, people will become upset, people will think im fuckign CRAZY! and most of all, what will my mother think? she would most likely throw me out into the streets.. I dotn blaim her, I'm not exactly straight in the head...not like the others...
If onyl Rachel was here, I could talk to her about this, she owuld ocmfort me, because I know she would listen, and understand where I'm coming from...
am I fucking insane? isn there something wrong with me? I just want to go somewhere and cry, cry for hours. Im scared, but I know it's what would make me happy, but yet I am disgusted all the same! someone tell me WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME GOD DAMNIT!!
Now im REALLY going to need those hugs... and this is when my friends show me thier real love, because I will need real friends ot help me through this... I am sorry if you guys are worried... I might not seem like myself in school tomorrow, but I'll try my best ot put on a smile. Thank you guys, I love you all.
I have been facing an internal struggle with myself..so if you happen to notice that I am not acting like myself, I will just need a hug..
Ive been in deep thought lately about myself, and who I am, and what I want out of life, and I have come to the conclusion that I am far from the person I want to be..and I dont mean emotionally or mentaly.
Anyways, it's dinner time, and ive got capri sun orange juice waiting for me that my mommy bought me!! =D!! Later!!
I really dotn knwo whats going on, but I'mnot going to pass judgement until I can get both sides of the story.
My friends are falling out--it's scary. I mean, first, Rachel goes from my best friend, to a total Bitch, and now wont even talk to me, and then yells at me when I try to ask for a chance to be her friend...
Next, Norm starts to put pressure on me by sayign crap like 'I dont think she likes us anymore' when I ask to go to my friend Tori's house on saturday..
And now this. Amber and Leila, my two best friends in all of fucking Ohio, are colliding like the fucking sea and shore during a storm! what the hell is going on! I'm not going to throw myself into the middle of this, and risk being killed (figure of speech) but I am going to investigate on these things, and try and find out whats happened... I mean, without them, I'd have nothing! >< I wouldnt have met all these amazing people I've come to adore! liek Sophia, and Matt and Brittany... I mena, it was Amber who got me talking to Matt last year for the first time, and Leila who was sitting with Sophia the first day I met her, because they were friends.
I care about all of my friends too much to let anymore of these things happen. All of my friends throughout my life(even those who hate me now and may want me dead) are all still an important factor of my life, and my childhood. Any person who has impacted my life, and anyone I have ever made memories with, I cherish, no matter what... So I am going to try my best to get this straightened out... and if it ends with me losing another friend, I will still love them. Even if it ends with me choosing sides, I will refuse, and probably get left behind again, but hey, this is how I choose to life my life, so yeah, get over it! *headdesk*
But for now... MAAAAN! I'M SO HUNGRY!! I cant wait for lunch!! :D
(it's 3rd hour..Lunch is 6th hour, after 4/5th hour... T^T)
Real story:
[cyberhavok]- *lookign at [Axyris*]'s house*
Mr.Shepard: (school librarian): *walks by, and glances at comp screen, but keeps walking*
[cyberhavok]- O-O;; oh sh-...
RAWR RAWR RAWR!!
In addition to my last entry: it's the last hour of school, and I feel better! :D I'm still confused, though...
Well, today was quite annoying...
I got on the bus, perfectly alright and content, I got to school, started feeling a little heavy-hearted, got ot breakfast...bu
I just miss some things so badly, that my emotions just sometimes explode out... gah!! -.-; and now, I have sophia threatening to hit me with a meter stick ._.;; shes watchign me type this up in Astronomy class... <.< Hi sophia...
Well, I feel better now-- I'm just hungry!! RAAAAR!! pizza...yum... o.o or maybe nachos... *thinks* hmm.. *ponders* uhh... *wonders* XD Gah! I cant decide! ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I miss it, but I wont let it win.
A problem I have got in the way of what made me happiest in life. I lost that special item, a large piece of what little heart I posess, and I wish to someday regain that trust. I swear to never let that issue get in the way of my relationships, or our friendship ever again.
What I mean by little, is that I find is difficult to feel certain emotions. I have, for a long time, been unable to feel guilty, afraid, or even lighthearted. I can smile, but I dotn really understand what it is I am smiling for. I can shed tears, but in an instant I can straighten out my face, whipe them away, and say "I'm not really sad". I'm not really, so I dont know why I cry, when I feel neutral about it, I dotn really understand it myself. I can get angry, but It isnt as strong as I would think. I can cry, but yet I dont feel any remourse. It just doesnt make sence, and I want to know why.
The other day, my mother lectured me about placing my own life in danger, about some stupid things I do to put my life at risk, and I just sat there, and nodded. I felt no guilt, I didnt feel like I wanted to laugh, cry, become angry, I felt nothingness, and it confuses me. I want to be able to cry when I am really sad, when I can feel that I am truly sad. A few nights ago, I actually shed the first real tears I have shed for a long time (not counting when my mom went to the hospital--I was really scared then). My heart had started to hurt, and I just clutched my beloved bear to my chest and cried. Why is it that I can feel only those emotions caused by... her? Things that she does? Why is every thought I have of her strong enough to influence my emotions stronger than most other things? Why are my thoughts so messed up? Should other things matter more than her? Why does it feel like my life is liek nothingness without her memory? Is she like a support beam for me? Can I make this without her? Why do I think this way, Why do I feel so empty, and without emotion or feeling when she isnt around? ...And why is she the only one who has ever made me cry real tear when she raises her voice?
why do I feel like such a lost little child with nowhere to go? I want to find her, liek I am lost and afraid... Am I... A bad person for feelign this way? Is everything my fault? Is she sad, because I need her so much? Am I the reason for her real sadness, her real depression..he
I am deeply confused, and I dont understand any of this... Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you did. I dont feel alone, I just feel dark. It's a wierd way to put it, but I feel like darkness. I dont know how else to put it.
Want to chat? Just go ahead and message me. I like to hear from my friends.
I woke up this morning
with two cuts in my left wrist.
I have no idea where they must have come from, but it stings like hell, but it's okay. I must have just slept on a pencil or something... maybe mechanical..
<.< my friends think i'm hiding something, because the cuts are horizontal, and almost aligned... *shrug* whatever, believe what you want. Wether I am lying to you or not...thats for you to decide, loves.
Either way, life is dull...
I need to get out...
I need to escape.
I need to run.
Seasons come and go, but they dont last.
Before you know it, the future is the past.
Please help me remove this curse from within my skin.
That light of life around me, it grows so dim.
I've been wishing on a broken star.
Hoping soon to hold you in my arms.
Watching as those city lights slowly die.
Slowly, I am losing my ability to fly.
With you I could do anything
I wish you could stay with me, and see everything.
I could touch the stars hung up high at night.
You gave me that beautiful gift of flight.
Without your love, I fear I will fall.
I cant even stand, so I have to crawl.
As the darkness surrounds me, I slowly grow weak.
I open my mouth, but I fear I can no longer speak.
I've been wishing on a broken star.
Hoping soon to hold you in my arms.
Watching as those city lights slowly die.
Slowly, I am losing my ability to fly.
Im bored... I want to roleplay... >.<;;
I cant keep this a secret anymore.
I want to tell you the truth, a truth i was hiding from you, but now you just wont listen...
I know you wont believe me, but it is the honest truth, but now you wont even speak to me. Please allow me ot tell you the truth, I need to tell you about why I acted the way that I did. I made you fall out of love with me.
My heart is heavy, I feel as though I cannot stand anymore... I just want to cry myself to death.
Please dotn blaim her, I love her. This is my own fault. My heart is bleeding slowly, and it is my own fault.
I did this to myself. This feeling is brought on me by myself. It is my feeling to bare alone, like I feel I should be...
If your interested at all in talkign to me, and why would you be, anytime after 7 would be a good time to call my cell...if you have the number... if not, message me, and ill probabaly give it to you...but i doubt you'll want it.
I might not be good conversation, though...yeah.
dude, a lock of hair in the front was dyed purple by a friend... Ill have a picture up soon ._.;;
I reach my hand out
but I cant reach that far
the darkness surrounds me
sucking me in.
My heart aches and longs for it,
My body cannot handle this stress
the darkness feeds on my feelings.
My emotions are draining.
Here I sit, alone in the darkness
my body refuses to move
I can only look
Into darkness with these eyes.
A single tear escapes
it's form is broken as it collides with the solid ground
I speak a name
but no words can escape my lip.
I manage to lift a hand
i hold it out
waiting for someone to take it
but no one ever does.
I am stranded in this dark abyss
wordlessly, I call out for her
there is no reply.
am I really going to die?
Im all alone,
why didnt they come to rescue me?
why was I left alone?
Alone to suffer in the Darkness
yyyup...empty.
hmm... *sigh* still noimprovement on how im feeling...just the same as ever... empty...
Waaah! my girlfriends laughign at meee! and she made my brain gush!!
I have a crush, on, like, three other girls, her, and my boyfriend... and she just gave me the mental image of a group snuggle >.<
Nuu! -T^T-;; must...stop...
but...they're.
(note: no, it's fine with rikki...shes havign fun laughing at me for it)
I almost died =3 while in NH...litterall
but, my life was saved...thanks to COKE-BEER!!
(Coke-beer = cokacola and rootbeer mixed)
Mmkay, so im in new hampshire right now...
not much has changed o.O
I miss my old hometown...
but i gott aget back to my kickass ohio friends sometime XP
so my dads givign me a choice if i want to stay longer or not...im not sure what to do..i should ask my mom, but i keep forgetting...a
Well, today, wednesday the 6th, we were suppost to go to my unckes house for dinner, but one of my cousins (whom ive never seen, i only saw the first when she was a baby) got sick, so now we're just going out for ice cream later =D I MISS HODGIES!! (hodgies = BETS ICECREAM EVER!! and the large...sheesh
This is my recollection of my week:
Saturday,the 2nd; brother came from NH, and hang out, and took me driving for my very first time. we left at 8 that night to NH--we got there around 9am
Sunday the 3rd; randomly showed up at Lina's and Marisa's house. Spent the evening with them, and stayed the night at lina's.
Monday the 4th; woke up at 5:15 am, to go to school with lina, only to be turned down in my own school, and forced to wait in the office until 8:30, than went home, and vegitated...
Tuesday the 5th; Went skydiving =3 it was awesome! than i also ate one of the best BBQ grilled chicken sandwhiches ive ever had @.@; horray for home-made barbaque sauce! Than i went over to lina's for a bit, and tried to go to the mall, but my dad was late, and linas dad was being an idiot and wouldnt let her come, so i went with marisa, and had fun! =3 i got hugged by four random guys holdign signs that said "FREE HUGS!" aaahh...New Hampshire... you find those kinda guys alot...where are they in OHIO?? >< ... ^-^ gotta love it sometimes... I also broke up a family feud between my dad and older half sister -.-; I had to yell, than speak to them like children until they actually listened to me...i hate my family sometimes
At the mall, i bought a book, and two new rainbow wrist bands! [Toboe: If you havnt found your old one, you can have mine if you want! =3]
i adore this boy...
Billy Gilman:
I am black, I am white
I am all skins in between
I am young, I am old
I am each age that has been
I am scrawny, I am well fed
I am starving for attention
I am famous, I am cryptic
I am hardly worth the mention
I am short, I am height
I am any frame or stature
I am smart, I am challenged
I am striving for a future
Chorus:
The color of sky is blues and grays
The color of earth is greens and browns
The color of hope is rainbows and purple
And the color of peace is people together
Shades of life
I am
I am able, I am weak
I am some strength, I am none
I am being, I am thought
I am all things, said and done
I am born, I am died
I am dust of humble roots
I am grace, I am pain
I am labor of winned fruites
I am slave, I am free
I am bonded to my life
I am rich, I am poor
I am wealth amid strife
[Repeat Chorus]
I am shadow, I am glory
I am hiding from my shame
I am hero, I am loser
I am yearning for a name
I am empty, I am proud
I am seaking my tomorrow
I am growing, I am fading
I am hope amid the sorrow
I am vertain, I am doubtful
I am desperate for solutions
I am leader, I am student
I am fate and evolutions
I am spirit, I am voice
I am memory, not recalled
I am chance, I am cause
I am effort blocked and walled
I am hymn, I am heard
I am reasoned without rhymes
I am past, I am nearing
I am present in all times
I am many, I am no one
I am seasoned by each being
I am me, I am you
I am all-souls now decreeing
[Repeat Chorus]