so, yeah..

sorry I havnt been on much.. I've been a bit hung up..

I found out two of my best friends from conventions, live right down the freaking street from me.. I've been hanging out with them, to hang out, and get out of my house..

I really need to get out more, this house will be the death of me in college..

I've also been doing a big of self-talk.. which is driving me in and out of a depressed kind of mood.. which isnt fun.. I know, you're probably thinking im going to start telling you the whole story, and whining, but I'm not.. I'll just keep it to myself for now..

Right! So...

I probably wont get on.. at all next week.. starting monday, all the way to next tuesday.. know why?

IM ON MY WAY TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, BABY!!

FUCK YES!! My older brother Shaun got me a plane ticket to visit for a week, and see my best friends's graduation!!

IM COMING HOME GUYS!! I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU!!

...maybe some day one or both of you guys can come out here and visit, too D:

[Not Anymore]

I didn't hear you say you're sorry.
The fault must be mine.
I wish you all the best of luck at
finding somebody more like you.

You said you'd love me always truely.
I must have changed.
Because you don't need me like you used to.
I hope you find somebody more like you.

I hope you finally find someone,
someone that you trust and give him everything.
I hope you meet someone your height so
you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you.

You came out of nowhere and made me smile.
Then tore me in two.
Sayin we're very different people so dear,
I hope you find somebody more like you.

I hope you find somebody more like you.

[Not Anymore],

Remember when we used to look how sun sets far away?
And how you said: "This is never over"
I believed your every word and I guess you did too
But now you're saying : "Hey, let's think this over"

You take my hand and pull me next to you, so close to you
I have a feeling you don't have the words
I found one for you, kiss your cheek, say bye, and walk away
Don't look back 'cause I am crying...

I remember little things you hardly ever do
Tell me why
I don't know why it's over
I remember shooting stars, the walk we took that night
I hope your wish came true, mine betrayed me

You let my hand go, and you fake a smile for me
I have a feeling you don't know what to do
I look deep in your eyes and hesitate a while...
Why are you crying?

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven

I see you walking hand in hand with long-haired drummer of the band
In love with her or so it seems, he's dancing with my beauty queen
Don´t even dare to say you hi, still swallowing the goodbye
But I know the feelings still alive, still alive

I lost my patience once, so do you punish me now
I'll always love you, no matter what you do
I'll win you back for me if you give me a chance
But there is one thing you must understand

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

[Not Anymore]

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she'll make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.
But it's way too soon to be talkin' 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,
'cause I know exactly what she's goin' through; yeah, I've been there too.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

I stop thinkin' 'bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
I stop tryin' the change the things I can't change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you're gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
That's all it takes, and I'm in that place.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can't explain, but I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Every time I hear your name.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Ooh, ooooooooh, ooh, ooooooooh.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Aaaaah aaaaaaah.
Every time I hear your name.

Just a diary to point out some things to someone.

[cyberhavok], you face you! Homies since freahmen year, and years to come! I love you, man! I never can say it enough.. You're the cream in my coffee, and my homeskip for life, yo! Without you or Sophie, school would be dull, and completely useless.. I know I get on your nerves alot with my constant whining, and my clingyness, and especially when I'm rude, and obnoxious to Jacob.. But I still love you! Even when you're feeling down and in the dumps, just sit and talk with me, alright? You know I'm always there to listen when you need it :3 beside, I love to hear you talk! You always make things so much more interesting! Plus, you've helped me out through a few things I'd rather not mention at this time, and I am eternally greatful! You've adapted to how I act, and I'm even more thankful for that, because I know alot of people can only take so much of me XD;

But back on the subject of you; You're a beautiful, amazing person, Leila, and I thank you for being my friend :3 I'm so glad to have met you, even when it was at McTigue, and I didnt think you liked me all that much XD; I don't like it when you talk bad about yourself, because even though you're beautiful on the outside (no matter what you say), it doesnt compare to the you I see inside of you. You're a gorgeous person on the inside. Like a newborn butterfly. I know it sounds sappy, but it's true...and hey... I'D TAP THAT! >3 You aready know! So, yeah, just getting my feelings out there.. I'm not good at these kinds of things, so I wrote what I was thinking.. I love you lady! D< and you better tell me if someone at school wrongs you! I'll pop a cap in thier ass! ...even though I barely know what that means! :3

~Love always, Suki-chan.

Oh yeah, p.s: you don't have to respond to this if you don't want to :3 just a bit of thought I thought you should know.

[Not Anymore];

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won
So I took what's mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
It may be over but it won't stop there
I am here for you if you'd only care
You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile

I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you, I swear that's true
I cannot live without you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine when I'm asleep
And I will bare my soul in time
When I'm kneeling at your feet

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

FUCKIN PISSED OFF DUDE!!!

Okay. so.
Know how I was going to the hospital?
finally!
after like, what
FUCKIN NOVEMBER OF 2007?!
Weeeell guess what
aint happening
my appointment was cancelled
FUCKING.CANCELLED!!
they rescheduled it
ON A DAY I CANT GO!
MY MOTHER WILL BE ON FUCKING VACATION!!
I want to fucking kill whoever made that decision
I cant go on another fucking month
IN FUCKING PAIN!!
..This whole day sucks..

It's okay be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way

Father figures we are
You're a shooting star you've come so far
I was once in your shoes
In a closet like you
I had nothing to lose

Hey man gay man pick up the soap
Get on your knees and pray
Hey man gay man
Release your load
You've got to cease to delay
The gay way

It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
Hooray! For the man!

Ooh, strong man
queen of the balls
some brotherly love is a pleasure for all
Come out
open your eyes
it's a matter of size

Hey man gay man pick up the soap
Get on your knees and pray
Hey man gay man
Release your load
you've got to cease to delay
The gay way

It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Okay to be gay!
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way

Sing hallelujah (sing hallelujah)
It's getting to ya (it's getting to ya)

Hey! Ho! Mo! Hey! Ho! Mo! Hey! Ho!
Now remember
There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over

It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
It's okay!
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way

West is where you should go
To San Francisco
I get that you know
Would you gather my face
So united we stand in a gay parade
A human serenade

Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way
Hooray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way
It's okay to be gay!

Okay, first off, I need to apologize to my [ET friends] for not being online lately.. I havnt had the best of days, lately, and it's too long and complicated to explain... so I'll give you the jist of it..

Being betrayed by someone you love, hurts, I have found this out for just the first time.. Someone I cared for talked to me yesterday, telling me that she wasnt the person I have thought she was.. Turns out, she lied about her whole life to me.. But you know what? Shhhit, I forgave her, right off the bat... She pretended to be a boy, to like me, to be 18.. well, she was really 14, and a she. But you know what? Thats fine by me.. And you know what all else? WE'RE STILL OMGBFFS!!! I STILL CARE ABOUT THEM, only not like that, anymore >3 but they're one of my greatest friends I've ever had, and I WONT loose that! ...Guess I really WAS right when I told her I had bad luck with guys.. Haha, tough luck Shi-chan.. I felt really horrible, though, that I had fallen for an immaginary boy, while going out with Lee.. So, a lesson I learned from Rikki, I called Lee last night, and explained everything to her, trying not to cry. I didnt cry. She only chuckled and said "Well, is that all? I thought something was really wrong when you said I shouldnt forgive you.. Listen here, Vex (she calls me Vex because we met durring ohayocon. She's my Aku.. I cosplayed as Vexen, and she did Axel(duh))) I don't care at all that something like that would happen.. We live in different states, I wouldnt expect you to not fall for someone else, especally a boy.. It's nature.. I love you, of course, but I'm still undecided on my sexual orientation, but I love you, I know this.. And hey, if you find someone that makes you happy, I'll be happy." She is so aweet.. I told her "Well don't you worry.. Because you're the ONLY one with my heart right now! That I promise!" and she just giggled, that adorable giggle, the one that makes my heart melt and all she said was "Good"... I've kicked myself in the ass, plenty of times a;ready within the last day.. What do I need some guy for anyway? I have the best girl in the world.. She is so sweet, and kind.. AND SHE MIGHT BE GOING TO COLOSSALCON!! And her friend said I could stay with them in the hotel~ which I might do, because I want to be close to Lee, I want to hold her.. Now that she is REALLY mine, I really want to see her, and she really wants to see me too.. But first things first.. I need to find a ride down there!! ;-;

I love Lee, now more, sadly, than I used to.. But I have given her my everything.. Except for the pieced of my heart shared amongst friends, someone, and my big brother Calica~

Oh! and I forgot to mention.. My sis has me into Ever Quest II XD;; I feel horrible about it, but that game is just so FUN!! I made a Fae character, and she is just so fun!!

~~~

Next, I need to apologize to my [IRL friends, in school..]

I have been very moody lately, and I found out why.. The nerves inside my foot, from that stupid lump on my foot, have been pressed onto, and bothered, which is causing my other nerves to squirm, and even make me feel sick.. Pain causing nausea.. Thus, this results in me having a quick temper, and I snap and yell, or I even get over excited, or overly sad. My doctors appointment is FINALLY here, I'm going in on the 7th! ...First time I'll ever be excited to go to the doctors...

And, if I'm quiet at all next week, It'll either be because I am still slightly hurt at my friend's lying to me, or I'm just tired, or maybe irritated because I'm in pain.. It's nothing against you, I swear it.

Someday-

Someday you're gonna realize
One day you’ll see this through my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I can’t

I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it wont take long
Wont take long

Cuz', Someday someones gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someones gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I wont have to cry,
sweet goodbye

Cuz', Someday someones gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someones gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday
(I know someone's
gonna be there)

Someday someones gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someones gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see I won’t even miss you
Someday someday ..

[H-Holy hell guys!! i thought hell would freeze over long before this would ever happen!!]

Lee, the beautiful lady I met at Ohayocon, just asked me to be her first girlfriend.. Of course, I said yes.. She is so beautiful, I don't understand it. She was always so nice, and she had a sweet smile, why would she like someone like me?

All I know is, I can feel everything slowly starting to lighten up, I feel great, whole, like I used to..It's only been but a few moments since she asked me, but I can already say I feel like it's been hours, when it hasnt even been five minutes..

I feel like I'm floating!!

[All out sorrows] By me.

I watch closely as your body sways
the music is taking you away
light as a feather, spinning on air
my lovely beauty, how you shine

Please come and take my hand
Together our dance shall never end
Here with you i'm here to stay
until all our sorrows have been danced away

Your arms hold me close
your skin touching mine
your eyes catch hold of my soul
I feel like I'm going out of control

The moon reflects your soft porcelin skin
your eyes match your dress
your dress matches your shoes
how could I have held someone so perfect?

Suddenly, the run arises
My eyes open up
tangled in the sheets, a tear escapes
amd I'm left to wait another day

You slipped away once again
Oh beauty of my dreams
but I'll keep you close within my memory
our bond shall never fade

Please come and take my hand
Together our dance shall never end
Here with you i'm here to stay
until all our sorrows have been danced away

all our sorrows will soon be danced away.


~~~

what do you think?