I've decided to leave Piccadilly job and work full time for Panera. Told boss awhile back with 7 hours one week if he did that again I was leaving. He put up schedule 5 hours a week for 3 weeks straight and now I'm done. Panera wants me around more but couldn't with other day job so it works out better. hopefully saving more after bill paying so do what i need to do with more to save or play with.

I have alot on my mind with certain choices I know will either help my life get better or slowly destroy it til there's nothing left. I'm not writing for the public as I have a personal entry I have written already for my own thoughts. in addition, weighing my own life at stake to live also. my main focus is CDL and college for the time present. the rest will have to wait til I start getting mine on its own track. prob towards the end of 2009 I'll weigh my decisions and decide what to do. Different outcomes and different possibilities for hoping to settle down for the future.

Not an easy route to take and my mind won't stop to rest. people involved giving me suggestions on what I should do and not do. Friends and family both. most involuntary. some welcomed. Either way my priority is to decide how/when/& where my life should start on my own then the rest will fall in place. hoping not to make a bad decision but will be mistakes for me to learn on my own...

and yet another sad entry of my failed romances. my friend backed out of us meeting and starting a relationship a few days ago. said "give me time". once again like all the others i backed off and she says we're better off friends instead of getting together and ruining our relationship if it doesn't work out. more to this but not into details now. alot has to do with her health and whatever else is floating in her head she's not talking to me about. i only see black/white areas. the grey is blocked. majority of why i'm screwed up in the head but its gotten me this far. no regrets with finding her here on elftown and over the last 5 years we've come to grow with each other and learn alot about each other. she was a great friend i could always talk to with my problems and great on advice. the chemistry emotional/mental was there but the physical with only internet was a serious severing downfall. the major thing that gets me was we was so close to meeting and to just SEE if we can like each other physically to pursue a relationship and now that ain't happening. i shed my tears. single once again. now my focus is once again set to truck driving and college in May. until then i'm bored stuck at the house, once again, surrounded by family and a lost future. until next time...

Seems things are finally starting to go any direction but wrong. Me and my gf been talking and i'm going up to New York in January to see her for a week. taking time off work and from the family. they driving me nuts. mostly do sightseeing, meet her family, and of course spend quality time with her. i'll be staying with her nana which she was nice enough to let a stranger into her home so of course absolute respect and "nothing" going on in her house and i'm cool with that. i'll come back home and me and my girl get together once again in April and this time moving to Florida to stay with my best friend of 15 years who has openly invited me and my gf into her home (SHE OWES ME FOR ALL THE SHIT I DONE FOR HER lol) so we'll see how the roommate thing will work out. hopefully it does cuz i don't know whats gonna happen if they don't get along but i'm thinking optimistically so always a downside to me lol. she'll be getting a 2006 Honda Civic Sport from her dad in November so that will help out alot in our travels. my goal is to do truck driving in April or May and save up for my own vehicle...as well as going to college for computer animation. well thats about it for now i guess. will keep posted how things turn out and hopefully stay on this track!!!

Well turns out i was wrong with her coming back to me...long story short she needed time by herslef to focus on career and i need time to myself to get over her and do my own thing. i stayed in AZ for a month and a half after our break-up with my boss from work. He's a good guy. Sarcastic asshole but still a good guy. i gave him money every paycheck and he was happy. i don't require much and was hardly at the house so nothing was said. Shower and couch was all I needed. Well me and ex had long talks and worked things out to a civil manner and found out things that was wrong in our relationship--which we prob wouldn't have done if i left so things are good now. We talk on phone, elftown, and myspace every so often keeping the friend thing going. That was our mjor problem i think is starting relationship not knowing each other. It was great all the way through with a few struggles here and there but went to shit at the end. Mostly me being selfish and not concerned for her feelings. We still have the love and passion bewteen us just lost ourselves in relationship. Make great lovers and friends just not a good couple. We decided to let life take its course and see what happens later in life. Fate has a weird way of doing things so we'll see what happens...

I'm now living back with aunt and uncle in TN. I am now currently involved with someone else i met here on Elftown (thanks elftown!! hehe) about 4 years ago. We been doing the phone and internet thing and haven't met in person yet but we changing that now. I'm bringing her down in a month or so for a visit to meet family and US to finally meet. I think with us being friends and knowing alot about each other could prove better for a relationship that me and my ex did. I've had a lot of talks with this one to make sure I'm not making another mistake with long distance girls and I think I'm ok with her. I'm starting to fall in love with her, not just say the words, and I haven't even seen her yet!! sure I seen pics but not enough... I do hope this one works out. Learning from each relationship to strengthen the next is a big key in relationship development and committment and I'm gonna try and use that with this one.

well i never thought i'd write in this one again, especially after my last diary entry. unfortunately i only reserve sad stories for elftown diary. plus side is it took 3 years before coming back so thats a good thing, right??? anyways i was with this girl since april 26th 2007 and we broke up may 26 on our anniversary. i don't know what she was thinking when she picked the date but it wasn't about us! so much details i don't wanna go into and i'm trying to get back with her so if she reading this i don't wanna disclose private information that can ruin my chances of "us" so sorry people. alot of things happened between then and now and one things for sure: we both learned what it takes to survive a relationship going down the hard road from the beginning. i think we did pretty good...until i fucked up by taking 2 jobs working 6-8 days a week 17 hours a day that we didn't spend enough time together that ultimately was a serious downfall to our relationship. i severely fucked up and i said a few things "promises" that i didn't fulfil while we was togther and i'm hoping that if i can do these while we on a break i can win her love back to show that i'm trying and want a better future for both of us. shes mostly worried about finding a guy and ending up struggling like her parents did and she don't want that. she's a model, dancer, photographer, and in retail so she multitasks quite efficiently. i'm proud of her ability to do that. unfortunately, i don't have that ability and i was too lazy to take off work to get my GED and a few other things i said i would look into that actually mattered to the beneficial growth of our relationship and future developments. i gave up on life and also some time at the end of "us" that i didn't fulfil my loving, compassionate, understanding role as a boyfriend much less as a fiance so i'm wondering why she took this long to get rid of me!?! i'm surprised we lasted this long but neither one of us communicated as well as we should have. she actually moved out little by little while i was working both jobs before i realized what was going on!!! not a phone call or visit or anything for almost 4 days!!! she's going to another state later on today as a matter of fact for a week so i didn't think anything of it at the time. i thought she was preparing for her trip til i went to watch TV in the bedroom and it wasn't there. i don't know where she stashed her stuff at or was staying while she was away but i knew where she wasn't and needed to be! anyways we broke up and it tore me up inside. after 5 days i can still hardly sleep much less eat. i had maybe a hamburger yesterday and that was it since we broke up. i try to eat and i get sick and throw it up. i really miss her and want her back. i never realized how much i needed her in my life til just last week. "You don't know what you got til its gone." she says she needs "time and space to herself" and hopefully things will come back together. i've been told that before and it's crap women make up to not make the guy feel worse than he already does about getting dumped and leaves the guy hanging on by a leash wrapped around one hand and with his balls in her other hand. i don't know if i should just A)realize that this will be going nowhere and she's laughing behind my back with me thinking i'm gonna get another shot in hell with her and stay in pain and misery til i hurt so much for losing her or B)tell my brain to fuck off and listen to my heart and believe that shes not like all the other women that if i do "give her time and space" that we can work things out and try to live happily ever after..... i'm in a tight place because after hearing her say this i wanted to laugh and say "just be honest...there is no hope for us ever again because you're not the only one who's said those words to me" but something is making me complelled to see if she really is like all the other woman or a completely different one that really means "give me time and space" and we could actually work on becomming a couple once again. i know if we do then alot of things i took advantage of before i will be eternally grateful to have again to possess. it's like the puppeteer and the puppet. i think of myself as the puppet's shoe in this analogy lol. contrary to popular belief its taken me all the way up to this point to be sociable and write or talk to people after our break up. i didn't say shit to anyone for 3 days. we're talking up to this point and i think its going ok so far. i'm going for my GED in 2 weeks and truck driving the same week so i'm working up to what i said i'd do and i'll see if she's like all the other or not. i'll sit back quietly and watch what she does. i'll see how long it takes her to come back around. i think i been doing pretty good with respecting her wishes and giving her space. i love her but i can't wait around forever and chase an empty relationship. i won't say what i would do if i was her but if she loved me as deep as she says she does then she wouldn't let this break up be the end of us. too much history and feelings to let this come between our happiness and i'm changing alot of "what i would do differently if given another chance" redoes. i love her more than any other but a guy can only take so much anexation before snapping out of the love spell. its a dangerous game and someone always ends up getting hurt. i'm willing to take the risk and "sacrifice" my dignity and self-respect to prove to her that i really want to get married and assume a better life for the both of us. hopefully we can both win and i won't be the one with the broken heart...

Good news people. I'm back with my gf! WOOHOO!!! i went over to the house with a do-or-die attitude (meaning either come home today (Do) or me get the rest of my shit and leaving for good (Die)). I siked myself out all week so I wouldn't get "emotional" and start crying or tearing up if she said "leave." Anyways, turns out that she's forgiven me (long story so don't ask for details) but says there's one small problem-her father. She said that he said that if she takes me back he's gonna repo the truck he gave her (he still holds the title), stop giving her money when she wants it, and disown her as is daughter (he's already done it to 2 of his other children). NICE FATHER ISN'T IT?! Anyways bottom line is that he's an asshole with alzheimer’s and he's gonna get his way once again. I'm 20 yrs. old and my gf is 28 yrs. old w/4 kids so she's dependant on him. No money income for both of us so we relied heavily on mom&dad support. Unfortunately, we gotta give in but we're doing it like the teen yrs. I mean the whole "sneaking out of the house" thing and say "we're talking to somebody else when it's really me on the other end of the phone" and the drama like that. GOD! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO WHEN YOU'RE 28 YRS. OLD, GOT YOUR OWN PLACE, HAVE 4 KIDS, AND STILL LIVING BY DADDY'S RULES!?! Fucking sucks cock is what I gotta say about it. Anyways this is the only good news I got all week. We're gonna start "sneaking around" Monday. i can't come over on the weekends cuz the kids have big mouths and blab on her for everything to mom&dad so i'm gonna come over after they get on the bus and leave before the bus gets back at 2:30pm. When parents come over I am to hide in bedroom closet until they leave. When she goes to parents house I am to stay at the house. When family comes over I am to hide as well cuz they talk. CAN YOU SAY DRAMA 15X'S FAST AND ANNOYING!?!?!?!?!? My whole fucking life is made of drama so this is nothing new to me. of course the whole "sneaking around" thing I was pretty good at growing up (guys you know how it works: come over when her parents leave and haul ass like a bat outta hell when the car pulls into the driveway. hehe). I've had plenty of practice over the years so this should be a piece of cake. I gotta lay low for a while until A)her father gives in and wants me around again or B)he drops dead. I love the man despite all this so it's hard to think of him like that but the man's got cancer and the doctor's say he's dieing for 5 years now and he's still holding on so we don't know how long this will last but this is the plan and damnit this is the plan! well it's after 5am and i'm gonna cut out.