I feel strange. Awkward. I'm losing myself totally. I thought I was one person and now I'm another. I look at myself two years ago and say "Man I was dumb and closed minded..." but if I looked at myself this year from last year's point of view, I'd probably hurl all over the floor.

Its unbelieveable how much I've changed scince Jan 19th, 2002. My vocabulary has broadened. I've changed my religion. I broke up with nick which devistated me. I now have 9 scars which will probably never heal unless I buy some of that special cream for. I know more scars will appear. I've changed my sexual preferance. my favourite colour is no longer sky blue, but black. That's nearly opposite...

If I walked out on the street and told someone I used to be a sweet little innocent Christian girl, they'd laugh and make fun. I don't know why all these changes have occured... Maybe I'm just discovering myself more.

Enough sob story.

I still quiver from two nights ago. I've never felt this nervous feeling before. I'm not one to feel this<i> nervous.

I feel guilty as well... I think I should have waited until she was at least over him. I've confused her. I don't know how she'll act tomorrow at the ice skating rink. I'm excited, yet I dread it.

My feelings are all mixed up right now. I think I don't know how to feel. I feel so much... I'm in overload. If one more feeling thing comes up, I might shut down. But what is the definition of "feelings"?

Feeling
a : an emotional state or reaction <had a kindly feeling toward the child> b : plural : susceptibility to impression : SENSITIVITY <the remark hurt her feelings>

I see... But I still don't understand why.
Missing: </i>

Okay... Here I am... I'm going to do something very very very very very (maybe) dumb... but its easier for me to let her read this than for me to have to tell her stright up. I don't know if this is worth writing here... I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't want her to act differently around me. So Ten, I'm sorry... but I think... I like you. You know those boys always gathered around you during English? I don't blame them for wanting to be with you... You're funny, smart, nice, pretty, a great artist, and everything else that I can't be and never will be... Its hard to hide my feelings for you. I'm not the type of person who would hide feelings from someone she cared for... But it was different this time. You're straight. When I first met you, I was somewhat confused. I asked inside my head "Is she an angel?" Over the last year, I've gotten to know you. I've answered the question which changed my sexual preferance in october of last year. "Yes" was my answer. A simple word could only mean so much if it has feelings behind it. If you don't feel the same way about me, I understand fully. This might have come as a shock to you, or maybe you've read me better than I think you have. Heck... Maybe you have feelings for me, too...
I didn't tell you sooner because I didn't (and I still don't) know what your reaction will be. I figure this: You're open minded and definately not homophobic, so why not give it a shot? Look at me... babbling on and on... I know I'm lame. I'd better let you ponder...

The truth can harm
The truth can heal
But what am I to
Carry it's message?

What am I to harm?
To heal?
What am I?
A lie.

A lie so thick
you can taste it.
A lie so soft
you can feel it.

What stories do I speak?
What wars have I caused?
I murdur.
I kill.

Such a lie
as myself
is not made
for healing.
or hurting.
but covering.
not revieling.

I'm small
and white.
But I'll grow.
watch me.

I'll grow
to be big
and black,
I will.

But once
I was told
"what hurts
can also heal"

So I must have some sort of use...