For those of you who arent up to date on me: www.livejournal.com/users/luciddaydream

It wont let me post in my LJ... so... im posting in here and ill add it to my lj later.

Dear Tenley,
  
   Its funny how every time I talk to you, my heart breaks... over and over it breaks.... I feel like some little people inside me decide to tickle my heart to the point where its painful when my ears hear your voice. I thought I was over you, but upon seeing you again today I realised... I'm far from 'over you'. When I returned home from your house today, I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried, and my eyes are still puffy. I think if I wipe the tears from my eyes once more, they'll bleed.
   When we talked on the phone, you said you'd kept all the roses I'd given you. You said that even girl/girl relationships turn you on more than girl/boy... So I thought, "You know... maybe she's saying those things to tease me... or maybe shes saying those things and she doesnt realise what shes saying... and if that's true, then does that mean she might have felt or _maybe_ still feels something for me?"
   I seriously doubt you'll read this, but it doesnt really matter anymore. I feel like nothing matters anymore. Most of the letters to you I write are actually for me, anyway, if that makes any sense. I used to write you a letter every day in English class so I could give it to you at lunch, but most of the time, it went in the garbage can. I felt really bad, you know, about how my brother spread rumours about us... but you know, none of it matters now.
   I also want to say... I'm sorry. Yes, yes, yes. In pretty much every note ive ever written to you, I say I'm sorry, and ive used it to the point where its meaning is thin, but just once more, I'd like to say I'm sorry. For what, you ask? Everything. Sometimes I wish I'd never entered your life and made you suffer.
      
                              All my love... My deepest deepest love,
                                                    Raevynne

Never

Abyss shouldn't be questioned
But accepted with open arm
I found what was real in you
Oh, bittersweet alarm.

Never could I cry for you
Never will I die for you
"Never" sings my sigh to you
But always you remain

Weep, weep, weep for me
Reach out and stroke the sky,
Twist the knife ever so slow,
You're just a lie, just a lie.

Ever so swiftly on soft tender tears
You stay within my heart
The poison's seeping into me
The poison from your dart

Never could I cry for you
Never will I die for you
"Never" sings my sigh to you
But always you remain

Just a lie, lie, lie (echolike fashion until it fades away)


Here's a song I wrote. The only instrument is a piano or guitar...

Meh.

I'm sorry to all who have read the last entry and thought me a bitch. Its how I felt.

Anyway, onto other more important news, things have been going GREAT for Tenley and me, in my opinion. I've gotten over my "oh i cant hug her... she'll freak out" fear. Now I hug her about once a day (or she hugs me or we both hug each other). Ah, yes, love is grand.

She had a festival yesterday (was it yesterday or was it the day before? i cant remember. I lose track of time when I'm around her...) during school, and the orchestra didn't come back until lunchtime and I missed her sooooooooooo muuuuch! Those 5 periods seemed like an eternity.

That morning, I gave her a rose not unlike the one I gave her on V-day for good luck.

At lunch, she came downstairs all the way to the cafeteria just to say hi to me. I thought that was, like, the sweetest thing in the world...

And you know, once she wrote me a note saying she was bored. I love those notes because they let me know she thinks about me! I love it.

I love her with all my heart.

Hehe you'll prolly never read this, but who cares anyway?

Emelee, THANK YOU *SO* MUCH! Without you, I'd never have realised how stupid I am! I let you copy my ankh! I didn't say anything about your cat ears even though I had them first! I let you get a rat even though I had one first! I supported them when they died! And you know what? You treated my like a pile of shit! THANK YOU!

Its people like you who make me want to embrace the world and say, "GOD DAMN! There actually *are* people in this life more fucked up than me!"

We all learn from our mistakes, you know? Well, this was one of my worst mistakes and one of my best lessons! I'll never ever *EVER* let anyone take advantage of me like that again!

Emelee, I love you! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!

I wish the best for you and your family for the rest of your life, you rathead bale o' hay!

I hope you learn a lesson as important as the one you taught me. Thank you!

When you were mad at me I thought "Aw dammit. shes angry again." and I wrote a rap. Can you believe that? *me* writing a *rap*? Unfortunately, I threw it away so you can't read it. Sorry.

But then, I read your ET profile (which is now in your diary) and I realised that you were just jealous. You wanted to be my everything instead of Tenley. Thats why you always copied me, because, in your mind, you figure, if you're the same as someone else, they'll like you more. And when you realised you were trying to be just like me, you tried to push me away, denying your true feelings, not wanting to be hurt. But then, I pulled you back to me, like a dumbass not wanting to be hurt, either! And now that your love for me is at its peak, and my love for Tenley is getting stronger every day, you push me away again, not wanting to be hurt anymore than you already are!

But this time, I'm more educated. I'm not going to try to pull you back to me. I'm not going to try to be your 'soul sister' again. I think this tie is best severed.

Peace out, and thank you again, [Lynxie]!

~Rae

HAHAHA


Bauhaus - Peter Murphy

Take a fish
And a potato
Hold the fish
And the potato
In your hand
In your hand

Put the potato
In the fish
Make it digest it
Smash it up
Smash it up

Smash it up
Smash it up

This is how you make fishcakes
This is how one makes fishcakes
Smash it up
Poke it up

Fishcakes
Fishcakes
Fishcakes
Fishcakes

Put it down the fish
Put it down the fish
Throw it against the wall
Stamp on the fish

Fishcakes
Fishcakes
Fishcakes
Fishcakes

Throw it on the wall
Smash it on the wall
Throw it on the wall
Smash it on the wall

Fishcakes
Fishcakes

"The Upstairs Room"

I love it all
These games we play
I close my eyes
You run away
I'm sure I asked you to stay
But now you're gone
And so I feel the grey
Pulse in my head
I turn off the lights and crawl into bed
I try to think of sunshine
But my body goes wet
With the first crash of thunder

I don't think I can know
Anyone but you dear
That's for sure

When it gets to four
It's my turn to go
Oh the kiss
So alcoholic and slow
Arranging me for Saturday
I thought you would know
That I always sleep
Alone

I don't think I can know
Anyone but you
Dear
That's for sure

The upstairs room is cool and bright
We can go up there in summer
And dance all night

Your sister started talking at a minute after ten
So everyone jumped up
And then fell over again
In April you can join them
And stare at me
At the ghost from your past

I don't think I can love
anyone but you
dear
thats for sure

001: Name: Raevynne
002: Nickname: Tora is the most common...
003: Country of living: U.S
004: Birthdate: 11/4/89
005: Length: 170 cm
006: Eye color: hazel
007: Shoesize: 7-8
008: School/work: school
009: You smoke: no
010: Hobby's: stuff
011: Brothers/Sisters: two brothers
012: Relationship: ... no not presently but maybe... im hoping maybe... just maybe...
013: Piercing(s): ears
014: Tattoo: no
015: Fave Country to go to: anywhere
016: Are there people you wont reply to?: no...
017: Nicest person you met this year: Jake ^^
018: Person you'd rather not have met this year: My brother... i dont want to meet him at all...
019: Who would you like to meet: i want to meet myself... all the way through.
020: Who do you admire most: [Pink Panther]
021: Most sexy person(s): ^^ look down at the other quiz
022: Favorite Pyjama: i dont wear pjs... i usually just wear a t-shirt and thats it.
023: Favorite Car: im not much into cars...
024: Favorite Movie(s): Interview with a Vampire
025: Favorite music: everything but country
026: Favorite City(s): anywhere
027: Favorite Plush: my bat...
028: Favorite Perfume: the one that i have that came in a little black bottle by calvin klein
029: Favoriete Magazine: i dunno... Elle?
030: Favorite sound: her voice
031: Favorite TV-series: dun have one...
032: Favorite Writer: me... haha
033: Favorite Nickname: Tora
034: What is on your mousepad: orange and UPS-ish
035: What all is under your bed: i dunno... im afraid to look
036: Favorite color: black
037: Favorite Song ever: i like Dreams bu the cranberries but only because it reflects me right now
038: Favorite song at this moment: look up there
039: Favorite food: egg rolls
040: Favorite class in school: chior
041: Favorite drink: cokeacola
042: Lucky number: whatevers on the back of my last fortune cookie paper thing.
043: What do you think is greatest about yourself: nothing. i suck.
044: What deodorant do you use: speed stick but i like Axe (yesh i know i wear mens deo... i think its sessy.)
045: Favorite shoes: my boots
046: What time do you go to bed on workdays: 10:30pm
047: What word do you use most: eef
048: Most romantic moment in your life: When i held him for the first time...
049: Most embarassing moment in your life: i only get embarrassed in good ways...
050: You spend your time rather inside or outside: inside. on my butt. on the computer.
051: What do you do in the weekends: clean and do stuff on the computer...
052: What class on school do/did you dislike most: any class I dont have with her.
053: Your Breakfast: chocolate (its v-day)
054: What do you really really dislike to eat: tomatos
055: Pets: a pet rat named sora
056: Laugh or dream: laugh dreamily
057: Serious or funny: depends on who im with
058: Fast or slow: moo.
059: You prefer being alone or have relation: I like having relations... theres always someone right there who you can go to if you need to cry on thier shoulder or if you feel like hugging someone.
060: Simple or Complicated: I am simple, i think, but i like people who are complicated because i think its fun to try and untwist them and figure out how they work...
061: Cremate or Buried when dead: cremate me and spread my ashes over the mountains, please. I don;t like to take up space in the ground...
062: Sex or alcohol: i dont know...
063: Stay up late or go to bed early: stay up late
064: Light or dark?: Dark
065: Speak or Silence: speak silently
066: Tall or small man/woman: It doesnt matter to me.
067: News paper: oh.
068: Hug or kiss: depends on who you are
069: Happy or Sad: i like both...
070: Life or Death: the space in between
071: Gig or Disco: disco ha.
072: Left or Right: im right handed so im saying right.
073: Sausages on top, or on the side: I dont eat sausage.
074: Dark/ red/ Blonde: dark red
075: What would you ask God if you could ask him 1 single question: meow.
076: You believe in reincarnation: yes
077: You believe in Aliens: i believe in life on other planets, yes, but if they do exist im sure they look more like us than what we think they look like...
078: When you die, what will be your last words?: i dunno
079: Does true love exist: maybe... perhaps... maybe...
080: How many kids would you like to have: however many my mate wants...
081: What is the one thing you can't stand: my brother lestat
082: Best feeling: being loved
083: Worst feeling in the world: being hurt by love
084: What are you affraid of: myself and my feelings
085: Are you an emotional person: very. and i show it.
086: Do you ever cry during a movie: yes
087: Your goal in life: to make someone somewhere forever happy
088: What was the promise you made to yourself at new years eve: i wouldnt eat beef or pork... ((i broke it... i had an arbys beefncheddar... grr damn roast beef...))
089: Who's your favorite artist: [Pink Panther]
090: As what animal would you like to reincarnate: a panda bear
091: What is the most beautifull part on the male/female body: the whole human body is nothing but beautiful. a work of art.
092: Most original place to ask your love to marry you: a graveyard... i love it...
093:What do you think of Elftown: its cool
094: Is there something you miss about elftown: ?.?
095: Where did you get this question list: [Pink Panther]
095: Besides elftown, what do you do most on your PC: chat, look up strange things, look at some art. look at other stuff, check my horoscope... those sorts of things.

real name: Raevynne
age: 14
Gender: im a chick
Where ya come from: Utah...
birthdate: Nov. 4th, '89
eyecolor: hazel
hair color: dyed burgundy
smoke: no
Drugs: no
Alcoholic: no
Name of comic: what comic? my comic? i have no comic...
Hobbies: stuff
Computer: what about it?
Relationship: maybe...
Fave Bands: eef... toughy
Fave Movie: interview with a vampire
Fave Disney movie: Spirited Away
Known Languages: English, and some french
Fave Artists: [Pink Panther]
Sexiest person on elftown: [Pink Panther]
good friends on elftown: [Caomh], [Ironballs "the Preposterous One"], [Pink Panther], [Kyriel], [Eoran_01], [Crystained], [enix1]
who do ya love: her! (y'know who you are ~.^))
and?: and what? and I get a million dollars? and I get my own spaceship?
Fave Manga: chobits
fave race of elf: "elf" is a race, therefore you cannot say that its your favourite race of elf, but you could say your favourite type of elf.
Tattoo: no
Peircings: ears
Pets: A pet rat named Sora
Fave place to be: with her (once again you know who you are ^^)
how tidy is ur desk: uh... untidy
Fave Color: black n blood red, especially swirled together...
Fave food: egg rolls!
Night or day: night
cat or dog: dont make me choose between animals. its inhumane lol
believe in life after death: I believe in reincarnation
One thing u hate most in the world: when you're eating and you get a pice of food stuck in your teeth and you cant get it out... grrr
One thing u love most in the world: her ^^
If you could hav one wish, wat would it be: -puts on a Miss Utah ribbon- WORLD PEACE!
if u met God, wat would u say: which god are you refering to?
Worst feeling in the world: to know that ive wasted my life on nothing
What are u frightened of: myself
Goal in life: moo
Summer or winter: Summer
Digimon or pokémon: pokemon just because they were my friends when i was 10...
how many kids do u want: I dunno... what happens will happen
wat will ur last words be on ur deathbed: I dunno... i havnt died yet
Lucky number: a goose egg
Fave shoes: my boots
Fave sport: underwater basket weaving
so ur basically a goth/sk8r: uh... uh... a poser goth haha.
Wat subject do u hate most: any subject that I don't get to be with her.
Fave Subject: chior!
Serious or funny: depends on who im with
simple or complicated: complicated. the more the better
Fast or slow: medium
where did u get most of these questions from: I copied them and pasted them from someone
who looks like a hobbit: Elijah Wood
are u bored now, and can't think of any-more: noodle.

Today has been just awesome! Yesterday I let Ten read my journal, and she wrote something in it. Its so sweet it almost makes me teary. It put a smile on my face for the whole day. Y'know not many people can do that but she's just talented that way.

To sum today up in one word, I'd say... YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bought her a rose today. Its in my fridge. Y'know... to keep it fresh... Its really pretty... Tomorrow morning I'll give it to her. ^^ YAY!

Something i stole from someones house (but i filled it in with my info):





~*WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU*~


Smiled: I'm smiling now
Laughed: When I was with [Caomh] after school she was like "Five ohhh my heeecks! OH MY HECK!"
Cried: uh... i cant remember... im shocked O.O
Bought something: Yesterday I bought a pack of twizzlers nibs from the school vendors
Danced: If swaying counts, it was at lunch.
Were sarcastic: heh like five minutes ago...

here ill show you:

Life is a dream we are dreaming says:
I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM THE FROG!!!!!!! NOW YOU SHALL FEEL THE WRATH OF THE EXCESSIVE GREEN QUESTION MARKS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!
Life is a dream we are dreaming says:
!!!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!??!!!!!!!!?!??!??????????!!!?!?!?!?!??!!!!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!??!!
j00 d3d f00... says:
oh. save me.
Life is a dream we are dreaming says:
lol
j00 d3d f00... says:
im horrified.


Kissed someone: New years day... I kissed Nick for the last time I'll ever kiss him... -sigh-
Talked to an ex: I talked to him a coup,e nights ago on MSN
Watched your favorite movie: I dont have a favourite movie
Had a nightmare: I cant remember


~*A LAST TIME FOR EVERYTHING*~


Last book you read: Mars 13 (YAY!)
Last movie you saw: Uh... Labyrynth
Last song you heard: Depeche Mode - Strange Love
Last thing you had to drink: er... chocolate milk
Last time you showered: Last night
Last thing you ate: a blueberry candy cane.


~*DO YOU*~...


Smoke: Nope.
Do drugs: Not unless love counts (yeah im a hopeless romantic)
Have sex: No... maybe when im a little older...
Sleep with stuffed animals: ... what is this question implying?!
Live in the moment: nope
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Single as can be... but I only have eyes for one person right now.
Have a dream that keeps coming back: Nopes
Play an instrument: I played Clarinet in 6th grade, and I can play my voice really well... (oh really)
Believe there is life on other planets: duh, people!
Remember your first love: please dont bring him up... it makes me cry.
Read the newspaper: For the comics... and anything that happens to catch my eye... but i dont buy it every sunday
Have any gay or lesbian friends: WELL DUH! HOMOSEXUALS AND BISEXUALS ARE THE COOLEST! HAVNT YOU FIGURED THAT OUT?!?
Believe in miracles: strongly.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever: No... not forever... forever is such a long time...
Consider yourself tolerant of others: maybe TOO tolerant
Consider love a mistake: sometimes...
Like the taste of alcohol: wine coolers
Have a favorite candy: no
Believe in astrology: of coarse.
Believe in magic: m'hmm
Believe in God: gods and godesses
Pray: Sometimes... but I meditate a lot
Go to church: nope
Have any secrets: doesnt everyone?
Have any pets: A rat, Sora
Do well in school: sometimes...
Go to or plan to go to college: i dont know yet
Talk to strangers who instant message you: yup
Wear hats: not usually...
Have any piercings: One in each ear, but I want my eyebrows
Have any tattoos: No
Hate yourself: sometimes
Have an obsession: Many... Manga, Uh... a girl, blood... thats only naming a few...
Have a secret crush: not anymore
Do they know yet: yeah... thats why i dont have one anymore because... they like... know
Collect anything: thoughts. I keep them in my puddles of despair O.o
Have a best friend: Em is mad at me for some reason
Wish on stars: a lot lately...
Like your handwriting: sometimes
Have any bad habits: i bite my nails
Care about looks: not really but sometimes
Boy/girlfriend's looks: ...
Believe in witches: I am one
Believe in Satan: no
in ghosts: yup

Grave digger, when you dig my grave, will you dig it shallow so I can feel the rain?

This is a song which is really really cool.


Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you



Its by The Cure, but 311 dide a remake... they did alright but I think the origional is better. The cure with a reggae beat just doesnt sound... right.

Anyway... Love Song reminds me of everything I live for and will ever live for. It's cool

THE CURE ROXORZ!

Today was extreamly tiring, confusing, and great. Somehow it was great. I really don't understand why it was.

Debate class is somewhat fun, but boring at the same time. People say I might make a good lawyer someday if I decide to (which has a 1% chance of happening). I actually signed up for drama but for some reason they put me in debate. I don't know... maybe its destiny or something. -shrug-

I drew an awesome pic of an angel yesterday and as soon as i can get my paws on a scanner, i think i may scan it.
I'll decribe the angel as best as i can:

A side view of the angel is shown on a piece of paper. Her eyes are gently shut, and her mouth is curled into a somewhat amused, but at the same time confused smile. her wings are folded inward, one on each side, shielding her. Her wings are big and feathery. framing the picture is a drawing of a ribbon. Her hair is very short.

I dare not show it to Inari, because it resembles her greatly and I don't know what she'd say or think or do if she saw. It's hanging in my locker, though, and if she sees it, so be it.

Anyway ive got to get going now. toodles.

I feel strange. Awkward. I'm losing myself totally. I thought I was one person and now I'm another. I look at myself two years ago and say "Man I was dumb and closed minded..." but if I looked at myself this year from last year's point of view, I'd probably hurl all over the floor.

Its unbelieveable how much I've changed scince Jan 19th, 2002. My vocabulary has broadened. I've changed my religion. I broke up with nick which devistated me. I now have 9 scars which will probably never heal unless I buy some of that special cream for. I know more scars will appear. I've changed my sexual preferance. my favourite colour is no longer sky blue, but black. That's nearly opposite...

If I walked out on the street and told someone I used to be a sweet little innocent Christian girl, they'd laugh and make fun. I don't know why all these changes have occured... Maybe I'm just discovering myself more.

Enough sob story.

I still quiver from two nights ago. I've never felt this nervous feeling before. I'm not one to feel this<i> nervous.

I feel guilty as well... I think I should have waited until she was at least over him. I've confused her. I don't know how she'll act tomorrow at the ice skating rink. I'm excited, yet I dread it.

My feelings are all mixed up right now. I think I don't know how to feel. I feel so much... I'm in overload. If one more feeling thing comes up, I might shut down. But what is the definition of "feelings"?

Feeling
a : an emotional state or reaction <had a kindly feeling toward the child> b : plural : susceptibility to impression : SENSITIVITY <the remark hurt her feelings>

I see... But I still don't understand why.
Missing: </i>

Okay... Here I am... I'm going to do something very very very very very (maybe) dumb... but its easier for me to let her read this than for me to have to tell her stright up. I don't know if this is worth writing here... I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't want her to act differently around me. So Ten, I'm sorry... but I think... I like you. You know those boys always gathered around you during English? I don't blame them for wanting to be with you... You're funny, smart, nice, pretty, a great artist, and everything else that I can't be and never will be... Its hard to hide my feelings for you. I'm not the type of person who would hide feelings from someone she cared for... But it was different this time. You're straight. When I first met you, I was somewhat confused. I asked inside my head "Is she an angel?" Over the last year, I've gotten to know you. I've answered the question which changed my sexual preferance in october of last year. "Yes" was my answer. A simple word could only mean so much if it has feelings behind it. If you don't feel the same way about me, I understand fully. This might have come as a shock to you, or maybe you've read me better than I think you have. Heck... Maybe you have feelings for me, too...
I didn't tell you sooner because I didn't (and I still don't) know what your reaction will be. I figure this: You're open minded and definately not homophobic, so why not give it a shot? Look at me... babbling on and on... I know I'm lame. I'd better let you ponder...

The truth can harm
The truth can heal
But what am I to
Carry it's message?

What am I to harm?
To heal?
What am I?
A lie.

A lie so thick
you can taste it.
A lie so soft
you can feel it.

What stories do I speak?
What wars have I caused?
I murdur.
I kill.

Such a lie
as myself
is not made
for healing.
or hurting.
but covering.
not revieling.

I'm small
and white.
But I'll grow.
watch me.

I'll grow
to be big
and black,
I will.

But once
I was told
"what hurts
can also heal"

So I must have some sort of use...