i feel sick. too much stress, even tho thats what i was trying to AVOID with the breakup and all that...><

Diaries are fun oO well.. im kinda confused riite now. i dunno why. actually i do.. i hate being confused. BLAH. POOOOOOPY. anywho....... my basement smelled like cat piss, and i found out my old man cat is pissin on shoes...EW! not so fun. and today i had a super mushy experience oO im not sure what to think. kevin was pissed and kinda evil-creepy-depressed from his whole fucked week (im not sure what was all fucked though) and he said he was leaving at the end of the year for sure (though i found out his mom didnt really mean it) and all that.. so it dug at me and bothered me.. i dunno. he really didnt need me to be bitchy at him along with all the other things (that i dont know, lol) thats going on. and THEN theres the jokin about uhm.. his guy friend doing things to him...i mean when ppl mean it but try to sound like they lie they stutter and laugh a lot..oh well >>; ... LMAO, it scares me, lets jus say that. the end!

UGH, thats all i can say about now. 

Why do ppl make their lives sound SOOO bad, when they really want to be mad? Why do people pine for things they can never have? Because we want to... humans are so complex, but so simple minded, I don't know where I'm going with this, but I'm beginning to pack my things..if only I had a place to go...Where could I go? If only I had an adress, a destination...well, that's my life in short.. nothing is so sure, planned and happening, nothing is perfect...but who's to say anyone else is different? Having problems is one thing that keeps life changing all the time, having pain and spewing blood can only make a psycho's mouth water...or is it only the psycho?

*massages head* calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean....ARASHI!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! she has a sword....GAHHHHH >>; i want a sword. not really. i wish ppl in the real world had magic powers.. yes...radio active man to the rescue! uhm anywho...yes.... >> i LOVE how i did my nails.. i wish i could take a pic of them they so FAIYN!! *watches x/1999, tried to keep calmness*

GAH for breakin off with a boyfriend who sez i shouldnt dwell on him he sure keeps bringing stuff up oO..... welp, i have to think of some art stuff to do to sell.. and i need some ideas...BLAH. i think i like this one person in my class cuz i want to draw the person o_O yes people thats how i see things!! PIECES OF FRIGGIN ART! if only i had the courage to ask o_O no, not to fuck them or "go for them" and some certain ppl have said...ugh. they have no clue who this person is (well except a few non-elftowners! hahahahahaaa >>) or how i feel *tears*

downloading x/1999 anime is fun, imaginary person, and i really recommend you watch it out there in imaginary land. do imaginary landeers have kazaa? lol. arashi is my new hero because she (dont read this any non x completists! lol) kills herself because the one she loved was dead...well thats what i read o_O; it makes me feel bad, but hey, i bet i'd do the same thing.

welp, i came back from moosejaw. yes i went to visit me old friends and it was fun. i wish i didnt have to leave. everyone where i live dont give a shit anyways. i have nowhere to go, i have no friends, and im taking a break from THE relationship. gasp. yeah, i realized that boyfriend said he loved me because he jus wanted me to stay with him. he hates rejection and all that shtuff. we;re young, we dont know what love is unless you'd do anything, like ANYTHING for the person, like not pressuring someone or something like that. i dont know who i am talkin to riite now, but love isnt something to toy with oO;

Yaaaay i got Noir dvd number five today! i should watch it and get my mind off stuff and things like yeah things. im bored. yes. and my sis is talking to some weird guy that i swear wants to stalk her o_o oh well. LOL. hes such a flirt...well practically every guy on my msn flirts O_o except the ones that arent super desperate..*SIGH* argh, i hate people. why are they the way they are?! why do they do things the way they do?!?!??! why can't i be something else?! i dont wanna be a human anymore.. i wanna be ...erm.. a...uh.. cat..naw thats not fun. well i wish i could go on a vacation and think thing through about ...everything! sure im 16 im stupid and just bored.. but that dont mean i dont need to get away. school is dull most of the time, home is alriite, and i go out sometimes, but thats not enough.. i want A LIFE!

wOOt well i didnt dissect the heart, i was the recorded...wooohooo. >>; anyways. blarg. im bored. im tired. i complain more than anything else. maybe thats why im so miserable, loolz. welp, i almost got him admittin he watches porno! lmao!! i should stop. he's prolly gonna plot me death soon or atleast TRY not to show he's ready to kill meh ^^ (yes, you should all know who HE is, lol)                               but.. how do ppl date on the net?!!? someone fill me in here! o___O cuz this one guy asked me out, but then i was like "im taken" and he said he was joking and shit? o_O and ppl tell me im a catch..yeesh ppl scare me xD

wheee, now boyfriend is ignoring me and shit. oh well i guess i deserve it or something. ...>> i realized that ppl talk to me more when im single..weird!! guy OR girl!! o_O whats wrong with ppl?? well im disecting a cow heart next class so i hope im cutting.

Welp im listening to Dir En Grey. any j-rock fans you have to love them. they sooth my pain..well the slow songs about suicide and sad stories about how one is dead and waiting for the other to meet him at the hilltop where they first met.. *sniffles* ergh. Im so confussled. Now me and kevin barely talk. the only time we do its about the relationship and its mostly me complaining. ergh >< geeeeze he still wont admit he likes other chicks, even tho he told me to my face that he does lie about things like that because it was "etched into his mind". DOES EVERYONE REALLY THINK IM STUPID OR SOMETHING?!?!!?!?!??  And then this other chik i really hate was askin me if i was gonna hit her for touching kevin, and umm.. i never said i would..except for the time i told KEVIN i'd fuckin hit her if she touched him! and thats another thing!! I tell him one thing i told him not to tell her and he must have told the bitch something. Cuz she wouldnt say i'd hit her unless he told her something. GAWD IN HEAVEN im never telling anyone anything again!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                       and NOW i found out one of my best friends was lying to me....>< UUGGHHH!! fuck, im never trusting anyone ever again. all they do is lie to me and im fucking sick of it. *runs to anime*

Wheeee...hoeee and such! o.o; why are there things to edit old diary entries? oh well. well i have to talk to the school counsellor once a week and i tell her i feel all happy and stuff now and she's layin off... xD! way to be!! go me! anyways.. yes.. its jus fun to type and stay awake for no reason really.. anywho. well i guess i feel a bit happier but im still getting weird vibes from everyone. i cant help it. im impulsive tho.. i do stupid things i sometimes dont even wanna do...erm.. im gonna stop here o.o;

BLAH. Thats about the gist of my real mood. I think im going to the doctors today so maybe they can help me more than whatever ive beeen trying to get help from.. actually nothing is working. im out of coping resources and stuff.. yes, when you are suicidal (but im depressed) you resort to stupid things because your pain outweighs your coping resources. So yeah.. anywho, dear imaginary computer people in Computer Land, I want out of this pain.
I have a boyfriend and i cant even trust him. i know he loves me and stuff, but its hard to trust him when all the other guys ive dated jus wanted me for one thing. A few of em even cheated on me.. like stupid wayne. he cheated and jenn told me riite aways. yeah ppl whoever's reading this dont know of, but thats okay. Then Will had some mark on his neck and told me he didnt know where it was from. hmmmm. so then i got pissed at him because he wasnt even talking to me and such. one time he almost admitted he was fuckin someone else since he said that there was this other girl he liked, but didnt wanna ruin us. yeah we broke up and on new years he was dating the chick.
So now i saw a mark on my boyfriend's neck that looks JUUUSTTT like one i seen on Will. what the fuck am i to think?!?!?!?!? someone help me out here x_x stupid shit. wow this is really long oh well. Anywho, well.. theres a lot of things leading to that girl he tutors. two years actually isnt that bad for fack's sake. She's cute, talkative and prolly has boobs. and HE also said that his brother was bugging him about her but he wouldnt tell me what his bro was even saying because "it wasnt important"....FUCK i wish he'd just figger out THAT WHY im so fucked. I cant trust him when he doesnt tell me lots of stuff./ ERGH!!!! why the hell am i typing this?! if youre reading this (whoever you are in computer land) and you think you can help....HEEELLPP!!

fuck a duck people are something else. who the hell reads my diary anyway?!?!?! oh well. anywho, yeah today is fucked. for some reason im getting annoyed at everything and its a bitch, just like me! I cant help it, im easily agitated and maybe paranoid. okay this dont really sound like a diary entry! xD! hehe i made my new pic today and ppl thought i actually painted on myself! BWAH behold the power of computers! o.o;
BLARG, i know by the end of this school year i wont have any friends at the rate im goin! im getting really annoyed with everyone, even tho im sure theyre more annoyed of me. wow does this ever feel good to vent off on imaginary ppl ^^

blarg. thats what i mostly have to say o_o ummm im bored. lol. i shoulda went to stupid boring gym class where we play gay games and have to wear shorts HAHA

i feel icky today. i dont know what the point is of umm writing in here, but oh well. i guess splurging to a computer is always good... and all... i wish i knew what was wrong with my drawings x_X'

I am in the peak of my pooish mood this month. Does every single boyfriend i have have to check out every other girl around me:?! okay if by chance any guy reads this, its really annoying to do that. So yeah, i did tha same back to him, but was with a guy O_o and i didnt see him after schoo. i dont think thats why im poopy, but i still hate myself for never holding onto friends >< every friend i date or something i hate after! well...atleast for six months. LOL!

I cant draw for some reason x_x why do i have to have no talent.. x_x! stupid diary! make me feel better!! *beats it with stick*

oy, just had my final math exam thingy, and my friend said he'd meet me here once i was done and he's not here!!! *looks under toilette lid* nope, hes not here. hm, well i guess that shows me for trusting ppl! >:\

i feel ugly and fat today O_O *goes and works out*

I hate people now. LOL< well maybe some. Its seems that i am ugly and its gross when i date ppl!! maybe i took what these ppl said tha wrong way.. ERGH! i hate brooks!! WAAHHH!!!! i wanna move with my moosefriends!!!!!

wOOt!! OMG, dont even dare people to do things with a webcam.